Hope

Hi SA

Thanks for your wishes, right back at you 🙂

The strides you have taken are amazing and inspiring.

May this new decade be gamble free for both of us and as many others who are willing to take on those demons full time.

All the best

W xx

Thanks W 🙂

Another day dawns gambling free. Had a strange dream last night which involved going to a casino and getting lots of credit cards. Ive never been to a casino, it was bizarre. Just a dream though it don't matter.

Must admit I was feeling out of sorts yesterday though. I had some angry feelings inside, not sure how they surfaced. Again myabe its the time of year, the cold weather the gloom, not having anyone to vent my thoughts to.. the thoughts unsettle me. Sometimes I don't feel very well.

Am out tonight with a mate to a nightclub (having not gone out New years eve) and a mutual friend is then picking us up at 3 a.m.. home for 4 a.m! We meet at 8 P.m. Thast the best part of 7 hours boozing. Am getting too old for this lark ya know. In fact its been months since ive done a real late one like this. I intend not to drink tooo much, the problem comes if i get bored.

I kinda want to pull out but the wheels are in motion. Must go out with positive hat on.. its gonna be fun isnt it??? Somebody tell me its gonna be fun??? Please I beg you!! lol

Planned to go out for a run this morning but father frost has done a good job.. it would be madness. Lets see how the day plans out. Rest assured i won't be posting at 8.38 tomorrow morning. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Well last night was kinda fun and I did need to blow off a bit of steam. Had a bit of an urge to gamble early in the evening. Was waiting for my friend in the pub.. he was delayed.. has all these fruit machines winking at me. I did have a thought of putting a couple of quid in.. i had that slight feeling of euphoria at the idea of a sneaky gamble.. I didn't act on it and it passed.

Its strange that in the whole time we were in the pub nobody went on the machines even though it was quite busy. Just goes to show that for the average pub dweller the machines simply arent a problem and an irrelevance. Anyway as i say quite enjoyed the evening, leaping around on the dance floor like a leaping thing and spent tooo much money.. but hey once in a while it don't matter.

Nothing productive acheived today.. just been loafing about feeling groggy. Another day passes gambling free... 587 in a row to be precise :-).. on to the next.. S.A

Well done SA

that is a marvellous achievement I am getting there in small steps..

I would not normally ask but I am going through a tough time at home although staying of the gambling would appreciate if you would take a look at my diary and add your comments.

Thanks Awayout

Hi SA,

Lol... "leaping around on the dance floor like a leaping thing".... I have such a weird image of you right now!! lol Great to hear you had a good time after your earlier apprehension about going.

Just wanted to thank you for popping in my diary before xmas... Mother Hen! lol, never been called that before but hey if thats how you see me 🙂 lol.

I have been trying to catch up a bit here today and read your 'story' from your diary. Very moving SA. I was aware of your growth and commitment to your recovery but when I read that story this morning, I now have a better understanding.

You should be proud of actually how far you have come SA. Although I read you still seek peace of mind. It will come, my friend I'm sure.

I also see that your leg is improving and exercise is furthering the healing. Just be careful you don't over do it too soon, too quickly or you will be back to square one 🙁 March for a half marathon? thats only a few weeks away! .... ha, maybe that name does suit me!

Anyway SA, back to the subject of gambling recovery. Keep doing what you do, I think its a winning formula.

As you say in your diary... "Its not the distance from the last bet that matters. What really matters is doing whatever is necessary to keep oneself safe and away from that next bet."

You intend to keep working recovery odaat, and so do I.

Stay strong

Jackie

s.a your excellent post about your gambling free years gives me something to aim at. Well done on your magnificent achievement. You take the time out to reply to a lot of posts on here as well and am sure is well appreciated by everybody. Once again congratulations and keep posting.

Happy 2010 SA. Thank you for all your support.

Jas x

Hi SA

Happy new year mate, thanks for all your suppot on my diary.

you never know my posts might get longer in the new year, lol!

take care and all the very best, ands

Thanks folks for your positve words. Indeed i have my positive hat on today. Ive been adrift and melancholly and really quite depressed over the xmas and new year period.. though maybe it did not come out in my posts.. though if you see the state of my flat at the moment.. it kind of reflects my general state of mind.

But like I say today I feel well. In fact ive changed my working arrangments, so except when collegue is on leave or sick I now work one day on and one day off and one day on and one day off. This will be good for my mental health in the short term atleast.. get myself focussed on me and taking steps for my future.

Anyway like i say, all in all its been a positive day today.. gambling free of course. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hiya SA,

Sounds like a plan with changing your work hours to suit you better..really glad to hear you are feeling more positive.

Now....get that flat tidyed 🙂 Thats wot I'm doing at mo...I even fixed my washing machine today allll by myself....me and white goods don't mix...stuff always breaking down.

Keep strong...take care..

Hug Del xx

Hi S.A. Huge well done on a gamble free 2009. No mean achievement by any stretch of the imagination. Wishing you a happy and healthy 2010. Take care. M

Thanks for dropping in Del and Mrt... and amazingly I have made a start on tidying and cleaning my flat.. even took the nets down and washed them.. thats never happened before lol

Went for a lovely walk down to the pool last night.. normally i'd get the bus cos its a fair old treck.. but fancied the walk in the cold weather. I like the coldness I feel alive and invigorated, walk and think, walk and think.

I realise how much I struggled when my leg was painful, cos it wasnt simply that i couldnt run but couldnt walk without physical pain. I don't cope well with pain, any sort of pain.

Anyway no issues with gambling. In principle am making the treck to Ga today but I think the weather might prevent that.. the weather never stopped me gambling though so unless its really bad I will make the effort.

Time to get the hoover out.. its covered in dust. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Another day passing gambling free.. felt like ive been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster recently.. I guess in part its the freezing weather and probably lacking certain vitamins and the lack of sunlight.. though at this moment in time I feel absolutely fine.

I did go to Ga last night.. felt obliged really in case a newbie showed up and none of the regulars did. As it turned out several others turned up and with peoples therapies the meeting went full length. As for me I was just in a bit of a bad mood, lacking patience with certain others who semmingly rambled on and on. Having said that I did get my medicine.. others gambling episodes were a good reminder for me.

Like ive said before I still get thoughts and occasional urges.. its not all plain sailing even though have not had a bet for the best part of 20 months. It doesnt fully go away. I have to keep working my recovery. Perhaps at some point I will feel happier within myself and it will be all plan sailing but until that day comes I will keep doing what helps to keep me safe... day at a time as always.

Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

hi

i am new to all this - not gambling obviuosly but the recovery stuff.

Ive been reading your diary for the last couple of hours. I've just been dipping in and out over the course of your recovery time and some inspirational posts there that really help me looking forward to might be if i am as strong as you.

just wanted to say well done and als thanks i will refer to your diary throughout when times get hard.

It is only day 1 for me but i am committed.

Hi a38... those are very nice words thank you for that.. its always nice to get positive feedback no matter how long one has been around. I will vist your diary today.

I was awake early this morning (non-work day) and thought sod it am going down the gym.. it was still dark and ever so cold. Enjoyed it though.. managed a slow jog for 30 minutes without the usual shin pain.. about 4.5 km's. I made sure to do some stretching and strengthening exercises. Ive learnt through bitter experience that this is what i need to do to avoid injury.

Afterwards I had a nice sauna and a chat with one of the regulars. It was nice to chat. I have very few people to chat with.. you know "socially". I don't really have a social life to speak of.. gambling filled that void. I wasnt interested in a social life when i was gambling cos in a sad sort of way the machines ticked many of the social boxes. But its different now, I am fully in touch with my own loneliness and i cope with it.. but I am sick and tired of it. Am sick and tired of being a something of a loner... its no way to live life.

And its a strange thing really cos when I do socialise I am liked.. people seem to warm to me. Am told i have that natural ability called empathy. Poeple want to talk to me and tell me there problems.. and yet that is sometimes part of the problem.. I listen to others and yet who listens to me.. sometimes typing is the only way that I can get my voice heard. Like I say i am sick and tired of not having a proper social life.

I am thinking of doing certain things to change the way things are for me and yet I am scared. Scared of what?.. I draw a blank.. nothing much to lose really. try something and if I don't like it.. dont go again. Its not rocket science really. Being new year and all that I was thinking about what changes i wanted to make and what is to take priority.. and its the social really.

I don't like writing this stuff ya know... but it kinda helps. Am not in denial today about how i feel within.. tomorrow maybe different. I intend to take positive action to change my life.. one day at a time.. come on!.. whoever said life was easy. 591 days since my last gamble.. regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂