Hope

Thanks Jas.. a bit of chilli on a chilly day 🙂

I am enjoying reading and posting at the moment. Its very much helping. I have got through another xmas and much of the cold, dark and snowy months without being tempted to take the edge off with the gambling devil within. I guess in due course I will ease off a bit with the posting.. but not just yet.

Ive been down the gym this morning.. just 5 km.. my body was not up to anymore.. I lsten to it now and what its telling me. Think have got a slight cold... am a bit sniffly.

Went to tesco's after like i do. The supervisor there got a bit arsey with me cos i'd chosen an actual till with a real person rather than the automatic things with synthetic voices... cos i only had a basket. I was a bit miffed to be honest I like the little chats with the till person. I don't get much chit chat.. who is she to demand I go to the machine till.

When i was gambling I liked the fact that i could use the change machines and not actully have to speak to a real person.. that was embarrassing back and forth with £20 notes.. "last one young man!".. errr yes i'd say until 10 minutes later after the machine had eaten it. Of course this was in the days before you could feed the notes direct into the machines. Not that it makes any difference.. the money always goes.

Going to Ga this evening.. i seem to be going regular at the moment. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hi S.A,

Keep posting! I for one find your posts easy to read, and a lot of what you write I can relate to. I don't post much myself, but read other people's diaries on a daily basis and it definitely helps me.

Cheers,

Paul

Hi SA

If it helps you to post m8 then post. I know you have helped plenty of people on here including me. A lot of people look to you for advice because you have done so well .

You especially give newcomers the encouragement they need to get started All the best Jeff.

Thanks guys.. your thoughts are appreciated. 🙂

Not much to say with me today. Its been a work day. Its been quiet. No problems. Feeling stable in myself. No gambling thoughts. Just checking in really..like i do.. regards to all.. S.A 🙂

always a pleasure reading your posts s.a whether long or short. Your one of the experienced ones on these diaries and are always one to look up to. Keep it going mate.

Hi S.A

Just wanted to pop in and say a big thanks for your support and advice over these past few months since i wrote my first post.

I'm slowly getting through your diary and can relate to plenty of it and being fairly new to this site it has helped me no end in dealing with what i'm trying to achieve.

Jeff hit the nail on the head in the last sentence of his last post to you...

Many thanks once again

Takecare

Hi SA ,

It's been a while since I have posted on your diary. I have had a good look back and seen I have in the past. My problem is since 1st Aug I have forgotten most of life. Still in early Sept I was struggling to remember friends/families lives. It's all come back and re-reading my previous comments on here and remembering everything is a joy. Funninly enough whilst still in hospital recovering from brain haemmorages I still thought about gambling when I was trying to work out who my Dad was when he was sat next to me. Thankfully I didn't but proves how destroying it all is. Gambling that is!!!! Good look, take care and keep off the gambling. Cheers

Hi SA,

Hope you are being a good sausage not a silly one today 🙂

f x

Thanks for the replies folks 🙂

Bit low in mood this evening but have had a basically good day. Did another 5 km run down the gym. Am looking forward to the snow and ice melting away and going for a run outside.. maybe Sunday me thinks.

I still enjoying posting.. seems to keep me in a stable frame of mind. No gambling thoughts or issues. The steady rhythm of life continues. Regards to all.. S.A 🙂

My diary had sneaked on to page 2.. whats going on here.. I thought I posted obsessively enough for that not to happen.. I joke to myself lol.. maybe I am going mad 🙂

Another good day.. work went fine.. 30 lengths down the pool which is fine.. am just feeling fine really.. no gambling thoughts... the steady rythm of life continues for another day.. long may it continue.. regards to all.. S.A 🙂

Thankyou.

Another day passing gambling free. Really can't think of anything to say. Maybe I will only write in my diary now when i have something significant to say. Despite moments of distorted thinking I remind myself that I am committed to a gambling free lifestyle one day at a time. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

s.a you have to keep the posts going and not just for when you have something significant to say. . If this is your way of beating them demons then so be it mate. You dont want to fall after this length of time. Keep it going mate.

Thanks winningpost... I agree with what you say. I do enjoy writing and it helps me not gamble. I have no intention of "falling" despite occasional comments that may suggest otherwise. I very much take the philosophy of "Just for today I will not gamble" (I repeat each day).. recovery and life in general becomes so much more manageable and acheiveable that way.

Today has been a good day. I think I was a bit bored yesterday. I find Saturdays a bit aimless. Am not really into going to football matches or watching sport in the pub.. and Saturday always seems to highlight the fact that i aint really got many mates, ya know mates just to hang out with. Its not so bad when am going out in the evening but last night i wasn't so the whole day was a bit aimless no structure to it. Its then that I get a bit introspective, lost in my thoughts and then the self-doubt and self-pity start to creep in and then thats where in the past i'd think "o b*****ks to this.. and spend a few hours gambling".. with the usual predictable outcome.

So anyway on a positive I don't do that any more. I can cope with boredom and self-pity without gambling.. so well done to me.. much progress made. And the fact is is that I feel ok.. I really do. Its a slow old process but bit by bit i am starting to feel happier within myself.

I had a good run this morning.. that always gets me feeling really alive. Later i went to do a bit of clothes shopping and I was sitting on the bus and then for no apparent reason my face just broke out into a broad smile. I had this lovely feeling of well being.. different from the buzz of gambling I might add.. it was more like a contentment.. a moment of peace and serenity.

I am starting to get better. I am starting to heal. After many many years of self-abuse and self-desctruct I no longer want that in my life anymore. My life long depression feels like its starting to lift. Maybe these positive feelings will not last but I think in difficult times ahead I may read these thoughts again to remind myself that overall my life is getting better. I am feeling better. I am becoming a happier person. I feel more able to cope with what ever life may bring. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Got a real buzz from reading your last post, SA.

I recognise the kind of 'moment' you speak of. I have them too from time to time - and like you, they are becoming more and more commonplace.

Its always lovely to hear of someone feeling really good and positive about the future.

I am in the same situation regarding no mates to just hang out with. Its funny, because although I know my situation is due to isolating myself for the last few years with anxiety, depression, and gambling - I feel a bit embarrassed like it means I have 'reject' stamped on my forehead! lol.

I know I am likeable enough, if I just put my fears aside and get meeting people - as are you. Its obvious from your posts, that you are very likeable and have a good sense of humour. Its just doing it though, isnt it? Perhaps your recent feelings of wellbeing are a sign that for you, the fear is subsiding. I do hope so.

I was reading a very good book on depression, and it spoke about how depressives hide their true selves from the world for fear of rejection. Its a defense mechanism to put a smiley jaunty front on, as it is too painful to contemplate being yourself, not overcompensating, and being subsequently rejected.

I have taken off the mask with my husband, and its given me the courage to try and do the same with others. Bit by bit.

Anyway, thanks for your message - you always seem to understand and that feels comforting. I read your posts, and its like I could have written it myself. Feels good.

Long may the contentment last for you 🙂

f x