Hope

Well how suddenly things can change. Went out with friend last night.. pub n club.. it was fun to start with but had way too much to drink. Left club at silly o'clock and instead of getting the late coach home as planned walked into a 24 hour arcade place and gambled what was left of my money. Then as far as I can remmber I went back to a cash point but was probably too P***** to remmber my pin and the machine ate it. (which i spose is a blessing really).

I was stuck miles from home with no means to get there, so i started walking and I became overcome with emotion and started having thoughts of walking into the traffic.. I think I tried to get myself arrested but the copper just told me to go home and sober up. I did start to sober up as i walked and phoned a friend to come and get me.. which he did. Thank you friend.

So there we go, thats it in a nutshell. f*****g massive hangover. Why did I do it??? I thought self-destruct behaviour was a thing of the past for me, sadly I was wrong. As you can prob guess am pretty shook up at the moment feeling pretty.... sh*tty

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A. Feeling for you right now. Seems drinking is not a good thing for you as one inevitably leads to another as well as the damage it obviously does you mentally.

It will be an easy for thing for me to say dont beat yourself over this, but i know you will as you will be asking yourself why, and you have put an ibcredibly amount of hard work into your recovery.

Its all about how you come back from this now? You will know what you have to do and what you can and cant do and whether you want to or not.

You are a tremendous example to everyone on this site, and your honesty and integrity is there for all to see. Persoanlly, you have only gone up in my expectations of you. You are only human, you made a mistake for sure, but your life has and will be still heading forwards after this episode, for that im sure.

If ever there was an example that its not about the money, then there it is. Financially it wont destroy you, but the damage is in your heart and in your head. i only pray you have the strength to cancel out last night and continue this rocky road of recovery.

Ironically, i was close to going to a casino last night. Probably self exclusion saved me, but i had all sorts of ideas of where to go and what i wanted to do, such is the nature of this illness. For the grace of god i stopped myself.

We need you around, I personally need people like you here. Together we can beat this.

Very best wishes

Keith

Its ironic

Hi SA

I honestly would have thought you would be the very last person to go and think a gamble would be a good idea. its hard to give advice to someone who understands this addiction more than most, but as the saying goes, dust yourself down and move on, i honestly know you dont want to return to gambling and feel it was just a one off, surely? put it down to the drink, we all do stupid things when we are drunk, least you didnt wake up next to a naked fella (not that i have). was it a spur of the moment thing, if so i wouldnt worry to much my friend, if you knew and were planning it then maybe something to look into. put it down to the drink fella and hope the mood lifts soon. take care.

neil

Hi SA,

Really feeling for you right now. You can have all the willpower, determination and self-awareness in the world - but when the booze kicks in we become someone else, someone we never want to be.

You are still a great person, battling a hard addiction.

I wish you every success in your continued recovery.

Genuine regards,

DT.

Hi SA can see your going through it - hangovers also make feelings much more intense. That will clear ... as others said put it down to a 1 off. Easier said than done but try not beat yourself up over this. Dust of your slip and move forward. The amount of times I have done and said things I regret when drunk is countless. This is just 1 of those moments. I wish you well and keep going with your recovery. Warm thoughts Blocked.

(((SA))), Mother Hen wants you to talk through any cr** going on in your head just now 😉 Please dont be alone with those thoughts... you dont have to, we are here for you, use us!

You said that you have a difficult week coming up at work, hope everything goes well for you. As with everything take it one day at a time my friend.

The past has gone, finished, over, done... Today is everything, dont waste it.

Jackie x

Hi SA,

Alcohol eh...it just lowers all those inhibitions. We've all done crazy stuff when drunk SA...I once walked into the sea after a mega gambling binge...it was too cold though!

You were drunk and from reading your diary you are apprehensive about work and being out of your comfort zone this week. All adds to the pressure.

You have a lot to be proud of SA so please don't beat yourself up. Post an update soon please, thinking of you..I want to see that smile back...remember, the one on the bus :-))

Jas x

Hi S.A.

Now is the time to really do recovery work. I write down what goes on in my head, regardless of it making sense to anyone other then me(lol don't always make sense to me either but write it down I do)

Often while writing this cloud of self doubt, helplessness, self-loathing and all sorts of other not so nice feelings I inflict upon myself, all of a sudden lift and I realise...hey..I am NOT a bad person(takes some convincing at times)....and Wow, I am not a machine, I am human..I am not perfect..I make mistakes....(and that is ok)

Come and share...

Thinking of you.

Love and Hugs

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi Everyone.. I am humbled by all the lovely supportive replies. My eyes have welled up.

I don't know what to say. For any normal person to have put some pound coins into slot machine is no big deal.. they are of course for "amusement only".. but thats not the case for me unfortunately.. I almost feel like ive committed a crime or I did yesterday when in the throes of gambling and alcohol hangover. For the crime of slot machine feeding you are sentenced to life! Indeed there was a moment in the wee small hours where I decided I was going to end it all. Thats pretty scary thinking even if it was just for a moment. Today I am slowly returned to a calmer way of thinking and being. Work was out of the question.. phoned in sick.

I am of course going to get back on the recovery boat.. what is the alternative? .. now that is a scary thought.

Ive always scoffed a bit at the idea of gambling being a mental disorder, its like its an opt out..like saying "I did it because I am ill".. thats alot of nonsense.. I made a decision to gamble, the alcohol just made that decision a little easier. Though having said i spose gambling, my gambling is a reaction to my life.. but does that make me ill.. it doesnt really matter

I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I am ok.. I choose not to make the same mistake again.. one day at a time. I will also say this though.. no more e***n counting!! I think thats what ******** me up a bit.. ive counted to 1000 plus b4 and this time i counted to 600 and something... complete waste of time. It just gets me focussing on the number of days rather than trying to make change to how I live my life.

I have thoughts of closing this diary now and starting a new one.. which is often the way for many after a gamble...and the same for me to.. let it drift off to page 7 to gather dust. Its also that its so long now it feels conspicuous.. unless Williebhoy starts posting again (I am catching you up lol). Anyway I will leave it for now.. see how i feel in a few days.

So, yes mmm .. I am feeling cr** today, but not as cr** as yesterday.. so as is the way with these things I will return to good head space again an sure. Onwards and upwards. Thanks again folks for your heartfelt thoughts.. stength in numbers.. S.A

P.s I will start posting to others wehn am feeling a bit more positive again. Writing to others is also like refecting on my own life.. its all good stuff i think.

I can't be doing with this diary anymore..its lost its focus now. Ive tainted it with gambling. Its not pure anymore. Its a story of the last 20 months on my life almost day by day.. all without gambling until yesterday. I acknowledge my acheivment though. But the time has come for the curtains to close on this diary. I will not be posting in this diary anymore. Thank you to everyone who has contributed over this time... your imput as been invaluable. I will start a new diary today. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Posted: Tue 26 Jan 2010 14:19:29

Thanks folks.. another difficult day in my head space. Its strange that although I did not do any financial damage from Saturday night.. it has had implications. I don't have my cash card so i couldnt get to my money unless I went to the cashier and then you guessed it.. I didn't have the photo id that they needed.. so then i went through a pantomime of back and forth with different id so that i could get access to my own money. I just to burst into tears to be honest. In the end I had a chat with the manager and they made an exception but only after a great long list of security questions and get this i couldnt remmber my own bloody phone number.. cos my stress head get too stressed.

Its also the case that the work event I was pose to be going to am now not there and i was off sick yesterday cos i hadn't got over my hangover. Geeeee f*** f*** f**k f**k f***!!!! agggghhhhhhhh.... am so annoyed with myself... my capacity for self-abuse just as am starting to feel better about myself.. ceases to amaze me.

Am off to Ga to night... no doubt the regulars will be just as surprised as some you guys on here.. I am going though. back to work tomorrow, am feeling uneasy.. but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Live in the moment.. deal with lifes problems as they present themselves. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙁

Posted: Tue 26 Jan 2010 14:22:40

I feel like swaering lots, so i will...

f*** f*** f*** f*** bummer pooh s**t f*** want s**t !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

....thats its am better now 🙂

Posted: Tue 26 Jan 2010 23:03:16

Well the second half of my day i have been pro-active and positive. First I went gym and had a good workout to get the stress and anxiety out of my system.. it worked.

next I went to a number of city centre arcades and asked to be excluded I (after having made sure I got passport sized photos). Now unfortunately it was evening and they all said that the manager needed to deal with it.. but I have appointments to be excluded and it was good that the staff were atleast aware of self-exclusion and that a policy existed. I will follow through on the self-exclusions.

Next i went to Ga and had a cathartic offload and was open to adviuce and thoughts of others.. a couple of beers and lighthearted chat after and then home. Am feeling ok as i write this. No gambling. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Posted: Wed 27 Jan 2010 21:51:55

Hi All,

Thanks folks and yes your so right in those observations. Am feeling stable again in myself. I shall continue to work my recovery day by day. All for now.. S.A 🙂

Posted: Thu 28 Jan 2010 22:02:12

yeah am ok ta.. Jeff has got it spot on.. am alot stronger than I was in the past. I bounce back quick.. rest assured i shall be visiting the diaries of those who have offered me support in my hour of need in the near future.

An interesting evening. After work i went to self-exclude from the 24 hour arcade I gambled in that fateful saturday night. I had been once and the manager was not their.. apparently its the manager that has to do these things. Anyway i got there at the pre-arranged time and he still wasnt there. I had to wait 20 minutes, all the time these machines were winking at me.. but i wasnt gonna be daft.. with no alcohol inside me I am stronger than my addiction.

Anyway he came and the deed was done. Nice enough fella. Shook my hand at the end. Informed me that it was a legally binding obligation. All the sort of stuff that i wanted to hear and I was on my way. It was quite empowering ya know. In the past i simply would not have had the strength of character to do that and such is my character and law abiding nature I would never try to gamble in somewhere where i was banned from. Felt good, went for a swim and sauna.. things that normal people do.

I am spurred on now. I shall fllow through and ban myself from all the city centre 24 hour style arcdes. Its these places that are dangerous to me after a few jars. Strangely because I have never been in a casino I am not drawn to trying to go in one. It feels unfamiliar and scary and hence I wouldnt do it. And as for bookies, I seem to associate them with angry men. When i glance in those places there always seems to be groups of sememingly angry men lurking around what i now know to be the Fobt machines. I just wouldnt gamble on them I hate other people coming to watch.

Its the arcades that are the danger.. cos its where the solitary lonely depressed people go, to gamble alone in a bubble of despair and become even more lonely and depressed. I now see with such clarity how far i have come since I was that person.. slowly killing myself whilst aimless watching noughts and crosses and sevens and bars spinning around on a wheel. The two people I saw in the arcade today were slowly dying.. i could see it in their eyes.. they were not aware of me, such was the draw to the flashing lights and nosises and the illusion of winning money.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂 No gambling.

Posted: Fri 29 Jan 2010 22:51:41

Thanks for your comments. Have been having some quite intense thoughts this evening of a planned gamble. They have passed now but they were there. I know why but don't want to say or is it my addiction that doesnt want me to say. anyway no gambling.. S.A

Posted: Sat 30 Jan 2010 10:24:30

Hi Jeff,

Thanks Jeff. And don't worry I would not suggest to you to stop drinking. It was suggested to me in the past and I did try it.. went for 4 or 5 months without a drink but the thing is I just wasnt motivated. Standing in a pub or club on a Saturday night sober as a judge when everyone else is drunk or atleast mildly mellow is not something I can do. Its your average Joes escapism and i want to be average Joe. Now that have self-excluded from the 24 hour arcade near by and will do so from another one early next week then my barriers have been built a little higher. All being well it should be ok.

As for the planned gamble I mentioned yesterday.. those thoughts have passed.. just feeling a bit sorry for myself and a little ill, also i'd had one beer after my swim last night and standing on my own in the pub ( bloke with beer) I just started feeling a bit lonely and thats what triggered the thoughts I reckon. Sometimes going for a drink on me tod don't bother me and I don;t care what others think but other times i get self-concious.

Anyway like you say, I will get back to posting to others soon enough. Like you say, writing to others helps me to. Am not quite back into fully positive headspace and there is much uncertainty in my life in all departments.. but I will get there. Living each day as it comes. No gambling.. S.A

Posted: Sun 31 Jan 2010 19:33:22

Thanks Green and Jac.. I have been thinking about your thoughts to me. But firstly just to say.. I went out last night had some beer but just the simple fact that i did not take my card with me and the fact that i have self-excluded from the 24 hour arcade means that i was safe. So I will do the same in future. It worked out fine.

I was just replying to Freda.. got me thinking about the transitory nature of recovery forums. It got me thinking about my relationship with this forum from now on. It does need to change. I do need to pull back. I have developed a dependency you see. here i am sitting at my computer on my own writing my thoughts... which is not a bad thing.. intro-spection is a good thing.. but like everything.. in moderation.

A computer is a machine. I am not a machine. I need and want to be a little more out in the world. Spending too much time here keeps me in a self-imposed isolation. I do enjoy it but like i say in moderation.. so hey my aim is to write updates on a less regular basis. I will continue to read.. read more perhaps. Am a bit lazy when it comes to reading. i tend to skim read. Anyway.. all is ok in the great sheme of things.. S.A 🙂

P.s A big thank you to Charly, Psowm, Keith, Jac, Freda, Winningpost, Needtoquit, Sirgamblealot, W, NNS, Jasmine, Ex-gambler jeff, Green, Deeptrouble, londonbloke and 5thtimelucky for your support over the last couple of weeks.

Posted: Thu 04 Feb 2010 20:39:46

Hi Freda and all,

Yes am in a contented headspace today. Am back to the steady rhythm that is my life... regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Posted: Sat 06 Feb 2010 12:08:42

Thanks all.. I will get around to replying in your diaries soon.. am just feeling a bit selfish at the moment.. retreating to my diary and my thoughts.. which is no bad thing for me. Its strange thing that compulsive gambling is a very selfish activity and yet recovery has to be selfish to.. just in a different way.

I woke up feeling really crabby this morning.. stress levels high.. things on my mind. Ive kinda settled down now but managing my feelings feels like a full time job. Anyway no gambling.. no thoughts of gambling. Day at a time. Cheers all.. S.A

Posted: Sun 07 Feb 2010 12:02:07

"get busy living, or get busy dieing"

Have just read that elsewhere in the diaries. A powerful phrase. Thats the choice of the addict. Thats my choice. Its very black and white really. Not much grey. I don't have to gamble and I have not gambled since my episode the other week.. but take away the gambling and I am then left with a choice of a whole host of other addictive activities and behaviours and soemtimes i choose these instead.

Don't get me wrong am not especially beating myself up here.. am just talking and thinking really. But I just want to acknowledge to myself that my capacity for self-abuse is just as ever present as its always been.. its just that i choose not to empty my bank account and then live on pennies for X amount of time and in that sense I am being good to myself... progress made. I still enjoy the feeling of the dopamine high though... even when i am then left emotionally depleted and depressed. Ive just replaced gambling with other activity, like many people do I guess.

I go through periods of time where I am not gambling or drinking ... but at some point I am then drawn back in or rather I allow myself to be drawn back in. I work hard not to allow myself to be drawn back to gambling becasue that is the one self-abuse activity that brings me to my knees. As for the others well am just left feeling empty afterwards, a little knock to the self-esteem but no practical damage done. I am still able to function and go about my daily life without major consequence.

It is hard though to break the patterns.. to genuinely be happy without any dopamine high. Life scares me you know. I just want to hide... but I try to keep working on changing myself.. how i think and how i feel and how i act and how i am.. a day at a time. It is the calssic scenario .. of two steps forward and one a half steps back.. but its the half step forward thatsbthe important bit. The danger for me, for anyone of an addictive nature is to stop trying to change and surrender to the familiar and easy ways of addiction.

I think this is where diary writing helps me.. cos it helps me to draw my line in the stand.. put down my marker, re-affirm my committment to lifestyle change. For me i have to re-affirm these things onterwise I drift back and eventually gambling will once again become an option.

I have in the great scheme of things not succumbed to full on gambling addiction for more than 5 years now and yet it still feels like hard work. I am still up for the fight though.. a day as it comes.

Posted: Sun 07 Feb 2010 17:36:43

Its just kinda dawning on me how unwell i am feeling today, physically and psycholgiically.. was out drinking last night.. o the curse of booze. Am also totally paranoid cos i made a couple of posts to others and they show but they don't show ie as in the time they were posted.. have the moderators stepped in i wonder.. don;t think ive siad anything desparately controversial but mybe i have... I will be glad when todays over and ive returned to a more normal way of thinking... help me lol

Posted: Mon 08 Feb 2010 21:12:51

Thanks for dropping in folks.

Am fine. I awoke in a bad mood but that melted away soon enough. A productive day work wise. 5km run this evening. I feel healthy now.

Just thinking back over the weekend. As always drink does me no favours and i did have a few thoughts of gambling.. but they stayed as thoughts.. no way was i going to act on them. I keep my drinking under review but am not motivated to try and stop drinking so i work with it as best i can. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi All...

I have decided to return to my original diary. I have copied and pasted my thoughts from the new diary that i had started and will not be using that diary anymore.

I want my thoughts in one place. I like the continuity of it. Its my life in progress warts and all. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Morning SA,

Welcome back. The Original diary was always going to be where you belong my friend... warts & all 😉

As you say, "I like the continuity of it." Something that has always served you well.

I Have missed your posts & thoughts but have deliberately stayed away from your diary as I thought you needed time.

Glad you are here

Jackie

Thanks Jackie... they say its the first bet that does the damage... and that was exactly the case with me. Something has changed in me since I gambled again after "yet another" long stretch off it. I am weary. Although I have now returned to "not" gambling again my commitment fluctuates on a daily basis. The resolve and determination is not as strong as it was before.. this feels like abstinence now rather than working recovery... though the fact that I have written this perhaps shows that my resolve is stronger today than it has been recently. The gambling devil within does not want me to write.. it likes me to keep my thoughts in my head with nowhere to go. But today i am stronger than the devil within

I appreciate that it is not simply a case of understanding why I became a compulsive gambler.. because understanding the reasons why doesn't actually help me in terms of stopping and staying stopped "for the long term".. eventually I get sucked back in. For me its lifestyle changes and finding the courage to make them that is key. I am bright and self-aware and yet this feels like a double edged sword. I am paralysed with fear and I don't know how to break free of this. No amount of Cognitive behaviour therapy seems to have helped in the long term. I slip back to old ways of thinking and being.

Perhaps what helps me the most is writing like this as I do. It forces me to think and not simply to day dream. I live so much of my life in my own thoughts.. its not a healthy state really. I would be a good hostage. I could probably cope with solitary confinement. By the way I was drinking last night.. hence the melancholly overtones.

To be honest am kinda ok today. I was walking home last night 4 a.m. It was snowing heavily. I do enjoy watching the snow fall. The child within gets all excited. Appreciating and enjoying the moment that's the key. Its just maintaining that day in and day out. Accepting my life as it is.. warts and all and choosing to be happy anyway. Who ever said life was easy? Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂