Hope

hi sa

i am paralysed with fear too, much of the time. It never quite goes away, i do hope we can both find a way to move forward each in our own ways.

I agree with self awareness being both a blessing and a curse. its hard isnt it? cant think quite what to say...

I have been enjoying playing with the idea of self-acceptance lately. Not pushing against the fear and just 'letting it be there'. It is helping a little for me. Some days i can cope with moving forward - others, i just get through as best i can with my head down, and gritted teeth.

"if there is a solution to a problem, then why be unhappy. Equally, if there is NO solution to a problem, why be unhappy."

Take care,

f x

Hello (((SA)))

I can only try to imagine how weary you must be feeling. Where this bloody addiction takes the compulsive gambler after only a few bets. I do feel for you(hence the cyber hugs above:-) not my usual thing! lol))

Jim told me how scared he became once starting again. How quickly all those old feelings & emotions & behaviours where rushing back.... after all that time and effort he had put in to stopping. He felt so so sick of it all.

All like you say... "From placing those first bets again". Why? .... For Jim, he says it was all because he still had that tiny thought(at the back of his mind) that he could manage a bet & then stop, that he was in control, more than perhaps others? Easy thought for many I suppose after generally feeling better in themselves because of a certain length of time spent in recovery.

Call it complacency or whatever but that kind of thinking definitely invites the 'johnny big balls' of the gambler to resurface. 😉 (Especially after a sherbet or two)

"For me its lifestyle changes and finding the courage to make them that is key" .... that and Total Acceptance of step 1 is what did it for Jim.

As you will know from our diaries Jim went through long periods of not gambling, like you. Thought he had accepted he could never bet again... but as time showed he hadn't really accepted what that truly meant. Not sure if that makes sense to you or not?

Something just 'clicked' for him and thats why he will never buy even a raffle ticket. He knows that for him, buying a raffle ticket, having a go at the lottery etc will not take him back to gambling but he has made the rule to himself of absolutely no betting in his life... ever.

That way he figures that He & the gambling addiction (that now lyes dormant within him) will never get confused as to where they stand on the subject.

Don't get me wrong SA, it has taken a while to pick himself up from where you are now but he now Accepts. He has very few fleeting 'moments'(urges). He has taught himself to only allow negative thoughts to be associated with gambling.

The end result of gambling is the reality... In the real world.

He let that 'dream/fantasy' that gamblers hang on to die a natural death.

Spending too much time alone with your thoughts rattling around is not good SA but you know that. Thats why you have always had a good relationship with your diary. Because you can make those adjustments or understand your feelings & thoughts... because you can see them for what they are... or were at the time of writing.

You ARE strong and more balanced than you give yourself credit for. You will become more confident as time goes on.

Keep talking and put those 'lifestyle' changes you need, into action... doing is actually less scary than thinking about them 😉

Sorry SA, maybe one day I will get the hang of just writing a few lines! lol

Jackie

Hi Jackie.. thanks for your thoughts and support. I think the total acceptance thing is only meaningful until the day that it is isn't if you see what I mean. Its a principle and a very true for people whose gambling becomes a problem (me very much included) but its not something that is cast in stone unfortunately. It would be good if it could be. Its something for me that needs re-inforcement and re-newing.

I forget you see I forget and then during periods of stress particularly long term low level stress my emotional brain will override my logical thinking brain and the acceptance of recovery principles will given enough time go out the window as indeed it has done with me recently and hence my need to stay connected with other recovering gamblers and work on my coping skills. Writing this being a part of that. For me its an emotional problem and words and words do eventually become meaningless unless backed up with positive actions. I can only tread water for so long before i start to sink.. that has been my experience anyway.

Today has been a good gamble free day. I want to write more.. but I am tired.. so will save my thoughts for another day. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Well am very much back on track as far as not gambling is concerned. Had a good Ga meeting. It helped to re-focus my thinking. Today I really don't want to gamble it seems such a pointless activity and yet recently I had started to crave it again. Its such a strange addiction. All that matters is not gambling today and taking that principle forward to the next day.

The last month or so ive been escaping my reality in thought and in action and indulging in escapist behaviours not just gambling, numbing out the real world and lost in un-constructive thinking. But am starting to feel better now.

But of course am still left with the same life issues the same personal issues the same work issues the same perceived pressures on self the same anxieties that I had before.

Over time logic and self-awareness says that these anxieties will build once again unless i start to take action to make changes, positive life changes. I know what they are. I feel them within. Its just the doing that i find difficult. Its so very hard to motivate myself. So very hard to give myself a kick up the backside and yet I know that doing positive things builds confidence and confidence breeds more confidence. Its just getting the ball rolling and not seeing the road ahead as full of danger. I am tired of being scared all the time. Life is not easy but I can cope. I am an intelligent man there is a better life to be had for me. I can find peace with myself cant I ? .. it starts now... yes it starts now. Thanks for listening.. S.A

🙂

Hi SA,

You know you can do this!!

Keep positive and find that happy place again.

Take Care

Stay Strong

Steve

Thanks Yorkie 🙂

My computers really f****d.. it takes about 15 minutes to do all its start up stuff and even then the pages in the browser become unresponsive for a while as it does whatever its doing. I guess its time to get new puter unless someone can tell me what to do to make it all better.

Am feeling good at this moment in time. I always do.. a couple of hours after a good gym session. I did 10 km in just under 1 hour. Its been a few months since ive done that sort of distance. I had to really push myself though. When am at my fitest 10 km is well within my capabilities.. not today though... a real struggle.

My sister emailed me some recent photos and i realise how much weight ive put on recently. When I stop exercising I pile the weight on quick as my eating habits stay the same. Ive let myself go a bit the last few months. It all fed into my relapse of course. When i got my running injury it really did effect me more than I realised. Running seems to be the only thing that really lifts me out of my depression and gets me feeling alive.

I notice I write a lot more after running as well as me brain has gone into high gear. I feel more focussed and can really concentrate. A lot of the time recently ive just felt so lacking in motivation that even writing in here has felt like such a chore... and its strange that it wasn't very long ago where I was so very active on the site writing to all and sundry. It feels like I just want to stick mostly with my diary for now.. but that's ok.

Recovery has so many parts to it in my mind. I liken it to the economy. So many different aspects to consider. A balanced recovery is like a balanced economy. All the different parts performing well leading to growth and prosperity or not as the case may be. I let myself drift, I stopped growing I went into recession I gambled. I am now back into growth again but it feels a little unstable a little uncertain a number of unknowns.. the possibility of a double dip.. but somehow i don't think so. With the right medicine steady growth is on the cards. Ga once a week, writing in my diary as and when, keeping running, keeping working, eating well, sleeping well, keeping talking.. progress not perfection. Taking each day as it comes. Positive thinking.

Gambling feels along way over the horizon today. thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

a good quality post s.a your diaries always an enjoyable read. . Like you say stick to your diary and you dont have to post elsewhere. . Keep it going my friend im impressed with the way your bouncing back from your wee setback. .

Am dwunk. I havent gambled... dont want to either. Am so unhappy though.. whoever said life was easy?? Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙁

Hiya... Im listening x

Hiya Jac,

Am ok.. my last post was written after a few drinks. It was an expression of how I felt at that moment in time. I will leave it to sit but make no further comment.

Today is another passing gambling free. Am off to the gym soon. exercise and sauna. Thanks for dropping in.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

I would love to go for a sauna right now...forget the gym bit though.

I applaud you for leaving the post you wrote after a few drinkies....I write in my own personal diary now after drinking but I may take your stance and post on here and leave it. My drinking brain, is after all, the time when i did the majority of my gambling.

I learn so much from you SA.....you had that smile again on the bus? I will never, ever, forget that posting.

Jas xx

hey Jasmine that was a relly lovely reply.. just the sort of medicne I needed to hear... thank you 🙂

Ive not really been myself for a while now but bit by bit am getting well again. Ive not had that smile on the bus feeling but given time am sure it will happen.

Today has been and continues to be a good day. No gambling issues. Work was fine. Feeling fine. Regards to all.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA really liked what you wrote here :

" .... With the right medicine steady growth is on the cards. Ga once a week, writing in my diary as and when, keeping running, keeping working, eating well, sleeping well, keeping talking.. progress not perfection. Taking each day as it comes. Positive thinking "

Thanks for sharing and keep it up! All the best to you Blocked.

Hi Sa,

sorry to hear you have been very wobbly over the last few weeks. You seem to really struggle with negative emotion at times, much like myself, and i can really empathise with how it feels when you are in the middle of that 'funk'.

I hope you continue to grow and don't plunge into another recession! something that sounds encouraging to me, is that you are quite accepting of your difficulties most of the time. So many people put all of their energy into 'its not fair!' and denial mode - but if you can say this is me there is lots of positive and some negative but thats ok, then I reckon that is a good start.

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda.. I think I just struggle with emotions fullstop! 😉

Thats the key to recovery (after making a committment to stop of course) managing feelings. I know its not a very blokey thing to say.. but its true I think. Compulsive gambling has only a small part to do with money and everything to do character and personality and ego.. whether over or under-inflated.

A long time Ga member and also long time gambling free member said to me recently that.. he is much less likely to gamble again now.. not because of the length of time gambling free but because of the changes he has made and is making to his character and personality. Making these changes is the hard work of my recovery of everyones recovery I would suggest.

Am in a basically good place today. Day off work today. I havent been sleeping well recently but slept well last night. Am gonna get my hair cut today. At the moment I look like ive been dragged through a hedge. Maybe I will buy some new jeans.. then go to the cafe. I will get down the gym.. and later have a long wallow in a hot bath.. then have a nice meal. Just generally do those day to day things.. looking after self.. mind body and spirit.

No gambling thoughts or issues.. regards.. S.A 🙂