Hope

Hi Sa,

Glad you slept ok. It is horrid when you can't. Yes, like-minded people - where are they all?!!! lol. I wish I knew more of them. I like what you said about how you flourish around them, I do too.

Hope you enjoy your day off.

f x

Thanks Freda 🙂

Ah ive just had a call from a fellow Ga member... looking for a reference for a job. I was more than happy to oblige. It must have taken courage to pick up the phone to someone he doesnt really know very well and ask. In deed I know what its like to be out of work for quite along time and then finding up to date references can be a challenge.. especially when your a bit of a solitary soul and don't really know many people. It felt good tobe asked. Am always happy to do someone a good turn.

My day has been in flux a bit today. I was just feeling a bit tired and stroppy this morning.. other people just getting on my nerves.. not that i showed it in any meaningful way.. kept my feelings to myself as I do and arguably should do in a work situation. Often its just not worth taking issue over the small stuff.. and anyway by the afternoon I was fine and fairly chilled out. And ive had a good workout this evening.. it always helps settle myself.

I feel like I am back to my old self now. I had stumbled back a bit but now I have dusted myself down and am starting to feel a little more stable and a little more positive. Ive even started doing a little cleaning in my flat which is always a good sign that wellness is returning.

No gambling issues. All the best to anyone who reads this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Know you have been around here a long time and have often dipped in and out of your diary. Your last couple of posts have been very meaningful and I really agree with what you say about personality changes etc. To have a chance of beating this demon I literally had to change 'who' i was and it was the hardest thing I ever did but without it I would still be the old consumed, reptile I used to be.

I hope you feel more upbeat soon - helping others like your GA friend always gives a wee lift. Im sure they appreciate your help too.

Kind wishes

Eyes X

Thanks Lying Eyes.. I now have a vision of you as a Crocodile with shifty looking eyes.. lol ..only joking. I shall be checking out your diary sometime soon.. you have been warned 😉

From time to time I go out by myself on a night and last night was one of those occasions. Am getting a bit older now and I i'd like to think that I really don't care what other people think about solitary souls out on the town.. but I guess I still do. Can anybody relate to the following.. i found myself deleting the texts in my Inbox just for something to do and to give off the impression that...

"hey, my great mass of mates are just texting me and are about to come swarming through the door"

I also find myself glancing over at the entrance and checking out the time to give the impression of hoards of mates about to appear lol And the thing is as I stood in this fairly nice bar I saw this other bloke doing exactly the same thing. If I was a betting man i'd say he was just like me and had nothing else better to do and had decided to go out on impulse and stand on his own with pint watching everyone else and trying to convince himself that he's having a good time. Of course nobody else in the pub really gives a dam if I or this other fella are feeling like Billy no mates, cos they are just out having a good time absorbed in themselves. But then a slightly odd thing happened... a bunch of attractive young women appear.. it turns out they are part of a promotional thing for a beer and as they breeze through the bar I suddenly find myself with a Garland (bright red) around my shoulders.. the promotional women disappear. I leave the Garland on and 2 minutes later am chatting to someone.

It reminds me of someone I use to know.. who'd go out clubbing wearing a big thick fluffly jumper precisely because it looked so out of place that women would just want to come up and want to stroke it.. maybe I should do something like that. The sad thing over the last decade or so is that i have lost alot of confidence in myself especially with women.. though if you met me you wouldnt necessarilly realise that straight away... the consequnces of years of compulsive gambling are so much more than just money. Anyway I musn't dwell.

I did go into a club a bit later but got bored very quickly so went home. Its nice to wake up sober. I feel fine today. I just think that yesterday I am reminded of my own loneliness and low self-esteem. I need to do more social things away from pub environment and i will wehn am ready. No gambling issues. Regards to all.. S.A 🙂

Morning SA,

Sounds like you had an interesting evening...I have a few spare feather boas for your next night out!

I totally agree with you about when you are somewhere on your own. I look at my watch a million times, fiddle with my mobile, check the insides of my handbag continually, then move onto counting the cash in my purse, go the loo a couple of times. I would rather be doing that though SA than standing in front of some cr** slot machine feeding it 20 quid notes.

You sound better anyway which is good. Enjoy your weekend SA........Jas xx

Another day passing gambling free. Must admit I like it when partners keep a diary... it doesnt happen very often. It really puts the consequences of compulsive gambling into focus. Cross- pollination between the forums is a good thing if done carefully.

Today i have accompanied a friend to a meeting an hour or so's drive away. This is unusual for me, normally I spend my weekends pottering around my local area. Not having a car myself makes it harder to get out and about. Anyway today i was in a different town, we enjoyed a pub lunch and then on to this meeting. It was nice just to do something different and see a different place and have a bit of a laugh as well. I feel as if i live a very self-limiting existence sometimes. Only I can change this state of affairs of course.

Anyway I am basically fine.. no gambling issues... S.A 🙂

Hi S.A.

Thanks for the reply on my diary,much appreciated.

Know exactly where your coming from with self-limiting existence,i feel the same.

I wonder if it is genuinely possible to change our state of affairs,theres a feeling stirring within me thats starting to believe it.

Its only a very small feeling and could be snuffed out the minute something gets me down but theres something there.

I quite like that quote from Lincoln,it says it all really,unfortunately and i could be wrong here living in the UK its just not possible to shrug off all our living expenses and walk round like a bedouin monk.

Could we be getting our current feelings confused???,what i mean is were still coming to terms with living life without gambling,maybe it has/had a bigger effect on our minds than we think,i dont know.

I mean i,ve said before i,m happy to not be gambling,i believe i,m geniune with that thought but i,m still thinking "Is this it??

There is one thing i think we can presume and that is we both are having the same feelings,we,re both ex-gamblers,is this just a coincidence??

Take Care,

"" A NEW LIFE ""

Hi Anl,

The thing with me is that i remember a time where gambling wasn't consuming my life and i could genuinely call myself a recreational gambler. However during those times i felt pretty much like I feel now really.. a general apathy, shrugging of the shoulders, struggling with motivation, fairly low self-esteem, social anxiety and a level of depression where i was functioning but like i said before not thriving. Unfortunately for me I literally stumbled across what would turn out to be my downfall when I just wandered into am amusement aracade after having not been in one for a decade.

Standing at those machines i had relief from how I felt within. I didn't fully appreciate this for a long time. I convinced myself that it was all about money and jackpots. After a few years of that I wasn't simply depressed anymore I wanted to die. The symptoms that i was trying to escape from only escalated.

What am trying to say about me is that when I stopped gambling my life objectively stopped getting worse and it got better in the sense that i was no longer suicidal. But the sad part is that after several years of close to total abstinence I have merely returned to a state that I felt more than a 20 years ago. Ok am probably being hard on myself here but am just trying to give some thoughts to your questions.

Ive been on these forums for a long time. Ive been going to Ga on and off for a long time. Ive been though rehab. Ive met alot of addicted gamblers. And often what i see and i see in myself is a reluctance or an ability to change how one lives ones life. People become stuck in the very same patterns of behaviour that led to the gambling in the first place. For me I remain a very self-contained person and yet I don;t really want to be.. and it frustrates me. I am bright I am educated and yet I just struggle.

I cling to my habits and routines because inside I am scared. Thats how my life has always been even as a child to varying degrees. Ive never known anything else. Don't get me wrong am not in an especially bad place today. I just want to explain if only to myself. am trying to break free of my self-limiting life. Its not a healthy place to be.

Maybe their is a stirring within me to ANL.. part of me waits for some sort or eureka moment where I see the light.. where i have a small shift in thinking that kick starts a process a process that leads to something else. I don't know. Ive been down the gym so am actually a bit hyper. I always write lots after a gym session. For a few hours after i don't feel depressed anymore.. its a nice feeling. That function use to be with the machines of course. When in action i didn't feel depressed any more. I did after and thats the crucial difference.

I did this questionanire the other day online. It asseses whether you have a personality disorder.. not a clicnical thing but just an indication of where one stands persoanlity wise. anyway my results came out as indicative of "avoidant personality disorder" and also signs of paranoid personality disorder but that was much less so. Just a general guide of course. nothing i didnt already know.

Anyway despite my rather self-defeating thoughts.. I have no gambling thoughts or issues today.. so thats got to be a good thing. happy days.. I am ok ... S.A 🙂

Hi there S.A.,

Just catching up on your diary and enjoying what i'm reading.I can relate to most of the feelings that you express.Stay away from the online tests they're not very scientific lol.You have way more insight into your own functionning. I'm always happy to read that you're doing so well.May you have a zillion more gamble-free days.

-Nikita

Hi S.A.

Love your thoughts on "You"

Just don't keep on over analysing things.

I did the things you did when I went out on my own after splitting from my husband of almost 20 years. Made me feel better and that is the point isn't it? We have stopped gambling, are looking at ourselves and changing the things we see and don't like, well I am . And now I am able to not over analyse why I did a certain thing, why I am feeling a certain way at a certain time. Over the past few years I have learned and am still learning to just feel these feelings and then let them go. In the beginning I would write my individual feelings on bits of paper and flush them down the loo or send them down the river on "pooh sticks"(Winnie Pooh bear), just so I could see them actually go away. I have learned to accept that gambling is a part of me and of who I am. I no longer fight it. I found that as long as I looked at gambling as a fight I had to win, I would ultimately loose. I look at life the same way now. I accept it day by day rather then fight it.

I hope this makes sense.

Sending you hugs and loads of love. I believe in you and I know you will be ok and I also believe that there is someone out there for everyone. But rather then to go and look, just go and let it happen...

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

I need to rant.

Does anybody else life or work with someone who s only able to see the world interms of themeselves and their own immediate needs.

You know the sort of people that if they have an issue.. the whole world comes to a stop.. because their needs take priority over everything.. The sort of person that takes no regard for other people and thier immediate environment. The sort of people that you cant actrually have a normal conversation with cos they will interupt to talk about themesleves and what they think.. or tuirn the conversation to talk about themsleves..people who dont listen.. but talk endleessly about themesleves on and on. People with such deeply narcissistic personalities just drive me ****** nuts... aghhhhhhh! aghhhhhh! And even when you say what behaviours you don't like and to show consideration it doesnt make any difference .. the nerxt week its like its all forgotten and normal servuice is resumed. In the real world i avoid these sorts of people like the plague.. but at work i cant.. and drives me nuts.

Rant over. Thanks forlistening.. i just neede to et that out my system. I wil let it go now.. S.A

Hi there SA,

Gawd...you aren't working with my youngest sister are you? She is just like that and i have no way of escaping this because she is family. At least this person is only at your work and you can at least leave work.

I know exactly what you mean though.

Jas x

Thanks Jas.. Thanks Nikita.. Thanks Charly.. am a bit calmer now.. I ranted more at Ga. Work becomes so much harder when you work with someone with a fragile Ego the size of Jupiter lol.. who's so pathologically jealous and insecure it just makes it a ****** nightmare working with them.. I am looking for a new job.. this has gone on for so long now.. its probably the biggest stressor in my life at the moment. I feel as if i know what its like to be in dysfunctional relationship.. even though this is just a work relationship but the nature of the work means its hard to get away from them.. its orrible and i think this is what gets me feeling so miserable. Ive been bleating on about finding anew job for so long now. Looking at my first posts i was just as stressed out then as I am now.. on it goes.. if nothing changes nothing changes... eventually madness lol.. gee.. goodnight ..S.A

Hi SA,

Are you able to say anyhting to this person about their behaviour? I wasn't joking when I said my youngest siter is just like the person you are describing....so I know how frustrating it can be.

I am summoning up the strength to have a word with my sis about how her behaviour affects me. She probably won't like it but as you say...nothing changes if nothing changes.

Hope you feel better today SA.....Jas xx

Hi jas.. it doesn't make any difference.. Ive had a bad day in myself am just full of pent up anger thats been lurking within me for such a long time. I was walking home from the gym.. found myself swearing out loud.. well loud enough to be heard from a passer by. I was like a mad man. whatever a mad man is like.

Am very depressed today.. am trapped in my own thoughts.. need to talk with someone that understands really but havent. I will try and do that tomorrow back at work. I feel a bit like a pressure cooker at the moment. I feel that one crossed word or insensitive remark and i will just blow.. not physical aggression just with words and a red face. I have never hit anyone. I hate violence. Most of the time I am calm and gentle and caring and I have a high tolerance for others behaviours but on those rare occasions when i do blow.. its not a pretty site.

Part of me wants to go off on one at work. Part of me wants to make a scene.. so people see that am not a happy chappy and maybe offer some talking support. Supposedly i work for a caring organisation.. doesnt feel like it much of the time. gee am rambling. I just want to write though.. a free flow of thoughts. Channel my inner rage into something productive.

I dont really know what am angry about really. Its just a generalised anger thats built up and built up. Of course this mind state would normally send me straight to gambling but i dont do that anymore.. atleast not 99.9% of the time. maybe I will make an appointment with the doctor.. sick leave. I do feel unwell at the moment. i just want to sit in the park and enjoy the warm rays of the sun. I don't want any pressure. I can't cope with myself at the moment let alone any work pressure or anything else. I want to be a monk up a mountain muttering to himself. i want to climb mount everest. Id love to do that you know.

Even though my mental health aint good today I have no gambling issues and for that i am trully greatful. All the best folks ..S.A