Hope

Hiya SA,

Just read your last couple of posts..I can really relate to being in a job that has a negative effect...and for me was to do with other people.. mostly management...you mention its meant to be a caring organisation..I too worked for a caring organisation but for me it wasn't....in so many respects.

A few weeks ago I got to the point I just could not face it..called in sick..yes one wrong word and I would have blown also..so I know what your sayin...then few days later phoned the manager and said I wouldn't be back. Big risk on my part as I have a family to support + mortgage. But I feel a weight has been lifted...the place I worked in will never change....and no amount of money is worth health being affected.

Life is too short SA....talk to your doc?..get a sick line?, have a break...a bit of distance to clear your head.. might give you the answer in what is the best way to tackle the situation...but as you said looking for a new job....might be the best thing for you.

Take care of yourself....Love Del x

Hi Del,

Well first off.. a big credit to you for for following your instincts and getting out. Like you say...

"I feel a weight has been lifted...the place I worked in will never change....and no amount of money is worth health being affected. "

And that is true.. objectively I agree with you. I have my own fantasy of handing in my resignation and sometimes I come as close as having it in my bag as i go to work.. but I don't, I come close but I don't actually do it. I get myself all worked up into a lather about the politcs and personalities of work and the absence of effective management and support and then don't do anything. the staus quo continues.. on it goes. I hold out hope that certain things will change and then they don't. But the thing is I enjoy the actual job and my skills and personality are well suited to it. Its just everything else.

And as with you if i left, I think initially I would feel "as if a great weight had been lifted" and i'd be walking around with a big smile.. a certain freedom would envelope me. I'd feel alive again. Indeed one of the things about having kept an online diary for so long is that I can see the patterns. Its punctuated with work stress and perosnality clash with collegues throughout.

The problem i find also is that it is nigh on impossible to stop thinking about my work or dipping into it at all time sof the day. I find it almost impossible to switch off properly and of course while i am ruminating about work and getting angry about this and angry about that I am not doing anything constructive in other areas of my life.. like social, relationships or getting active about looking for another job. Its as if their is no space left in my thoughts to have fun and enjoy and try new things because i am so consumed with the here and now.. and then more time passes and more i start to lose touch with myself and the more emotionally exhausted I become.

I will resolve this funk though. One way or the other, maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month.. but certainly this year!.. I will resolve this this. Like you say Del.. when ones health is concerned no job is worth it.. no job is worth on-going high blood pressure.

The frustrating part is that today has been a good day work wise. Only once did i find my blood presure rise about something but that soon dissipated. My family say to me that better in a job than not in a job.. at what point that no longer applies am not sure.

But Del like i say.. good for you for following yur instincts. Am sure it will work out for you.. you have a strength of character that will take you onto pastures new. Thanks again for the reply.. good to hear from you .. S.A 🙂

Hiya SA,

It's nice when you say I have strength of character..I'm a f*****g emotional wreck at the mo lol. I suppose my decisions lately have to do with the fact my dad is terminally ill....the 'all clear' he got turned out not to be. It's made me re evaluate my own life and what is important ... I'm resolving...a work in progress..

As you say..you will resolve this funk....I believe you will.

Del x

Sorry to hear you are so fed up and angry SA.

I can really relate to feeling like you are gonna blow, and feeling scared you will do it in the wrong situation and lose your job.

You know, this is a long, long pattern of feeling beside yourself with frustration and anger that all seems to lead back to work. I see what you are saying about how the job you are in uses your skills and suits your personality - but what good would that do you if you had a breakdown or something?

Is it getting to that point? You know random jobs like sitting at a checkout may not be stimulating and exciting, but its rare that people get stressed in those jobs.

I remember you saying how you had gone part time at your current workplace. Im wondering if it might be possible for you to find some unskilled, low stress work one day a week?

My thinking was, that if you did get to the point of no return with this stressful job - there may be extra hours available in the random one.

Oh dear I dont think im making much sense here.... but I think im trying to say - why have all your eggs in one really stressful basket? maybe just put a couple in a nice relaxed basket.

anyway, if this was not helpful perhaps it will make you laugh, with my strange ramblings, lol.

I hope you find a way to feel a little more peaceful soon.

TaKe care,

f x

Hi Freda,

Yes you make some very valid points. Thank you for your feedback.

I am not remotely angry or P***** off or stressed today.. but that doesnt change anything in relation to work or anything else in my life really. I have stepped off my cycle of problem gambling albeit with the very very occasional nibble in shark infested waters. But some of the other patterns in my life that I want to change, I haven't. So in that sense I continue to be potentially vulnerable to relapse.. though I am not struggle with thoughts of gambling today.

Anway enough of the deeper stuff for now. Am feeling chilled today. Ive been doing my sums albeit with the new council tax and water bills arriving but still have some excess.. so am gonna get myself some new jeans. The ones I am wearing at athe moment are actually a bit short. I actually sit between "long leg" and "regular leg". neither is quite spot on. its like my waist that fluctuates (for different reasons i might add lol).. dam that pate that came and woke me up this morning. It smothered itself on a piece of toast and forced its way into my mouth. Its not on 🙂

Anyway.. no gambling issues, stable in myself. Today will be a good day.. S.A 🙂

Mmmmm.......new jeans sounds good. Primark are good for blokes jeans. You ain't ever going to meet someone if you are wearing jeans which are a little too short lol

Have a good weekend SA 🙂

Jas x

Hi SA,

I am between jean leg sizes too - i feel your pain! lol.

glad you feeling a bit more peaceful my friend.

Take care,

f x

PS - you made me laugh with you bride dash post 😀

Hi S.A, just wanted to thank you for the post, really needed some encouragment as yesterday was a really bad day! I have spent a long time reading through your diary and it is very inspiring and open. When i gave up for 3 months, this was a long time for me and i felt like my old self, happy and on top of the world. I can relate to pretty much all the stuff you were saying on the page you've wrote your history of gambling. As i keep returning to gambling i feel like i will never give, it was really inspiring to see you have returned to gambling on the odd occasion and instead of carrying on you've become more determined to give up. I've learned from reading your diary that counting days doesn't mean a grat deal, working on the way you are and the way you appraoch urges etc is. The more days that go by does help but ultimately its a change of how you think about gambling and always being on your guard that is the most important. When i gave up for 3 months i felt like i was past it and i would never gamble again. I walked in to a bookies with this confidence and thought, i can just put a tenner in and walk out. Instead all my money was spend and thoughts of hurting myself start to creep in.

Sorry to go on but reading your diary has really picked me up today!

Well done on your recovery mate, keep it up!

Jimmy

Hi Jimmy.. am glad that my diary has proved helpful to you. I must admit that i do like the fact that people read my thoughts. I live quite an isolated life and being open with my thoughts on here is one way of getting stuff out of my headspace so it doesn't just go around and around with nowhere to go. In short it helps me to not gamble so I keep doing it. Maybe at some point I will find my not gambling support in some other way but until that day comes I will stick around here. On two occasions I have tried to exit stage left and on both occasions my ambilical cord simply re-attached itself. lol And yes no more counting for me, no more targets just living life day by day "warts and all".

Its been a good day so far. I ran 10.5 km down at the gym in 1 hour exactly. I havent done that sort of distance since October last year, just before I picked up an injury. And touch wood with the stretching afterwards my shin seems to be holding up. I then went for a pub lunch with a mate which was nice and now home and writing and writing on here which is always a good sign that i am in a good place. I guess am on a bit of a high really but thankfully not a gambling high.

Just to go back to your thoughts Jimmy. For me I trully accept that i am a compulsive gambler and that when looked at over a period of time I will always gamble my money away even if i do get some lucky wins. On the rare occasions that i have slipped I treat it as an emergency.. a question of survival even.. becuase it really is that serious for me. Ive been suicidal because of my gambling before and there is no reason to suggest that I couldnt again. I do what I have to do to stop me going back to that hellish place.

Back to work tomorrow. A full week this week. I will very much take things day by day and hour by hour as necessary. I am ok. I can cope with whatever life throws my way. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

P.s No gambling thoughts, problems or issues today.

S.A!!

Thanks again for the post i really appreciate it. I've been going to the gym too to get my mind off gambling and fill up my time. Can't say i'm at the 10.5K.m stage yet though! Understanding other peoples gambling is making me understand my own problem a lot more. As i'm young i'm naive and think that i've got the rest of my life to give up but that is no reason. It destroys your life at whatever age. Your diary has helped me in many ways. Its given me a direction to aim for, a plan to make sure this doesn't happen again and added motivation and determination that quitting is possible! I still feel mad and frustated with gambling and the book makers but i am realising also that you have to respect compulsive gambling as a problem that will always be an underlying issue thoughout life. Respecting it and never underestimating it is vital.

Also, to have the attitude that you now have that is if you do relapse, re-group and fight it. Not the attitide that normally naturally follows where you think sod it, whats the point!

The time so far is flying because i still have about 1150 posts of your 1200 to read!

Its good to see that your really enjoying life as you should now! Its harder to appreciate the non-gambling life as time goes on because you just get used to it, i can only look forward to that where you start to see the financial gains and just generally feel on top of the world.

Keep it up mate, your doing amazing!

Speak soon, Jimmy

Thanks Jimmy.. though am not sure "enjoying life" is quite the right phrase for me.. but objectively my life is alot better than it was. I have a secure home, a job, some money in the bank and perhaps most importantly a sense of dignity and self-respect. I don;t have to beg, borrow or steal to meet my basic needs.

But in order to maintian this I have to work my recovery quite hard. The real heroes of recovery are those few people ive met through Ga who have stayed off it not just for months at a time but for many years sometimes running into decades. These people have a true insight into how to maintain recovery... and they keep saying the same things at every meeting.. openness and honesty, working on ones character, practical barriers..self-exclusion, blocking software, limited access to and accountablity for money, filling the gambling shaped void and "staying connected" with other recovering compulsive gamblers.

Am shattered today.. slept badly last night and then felt as if i had to many demands placed upon me at work.. though in reality I did it to myself really. I eventually decided just to leave some stuff until tomorrow. I enjoyed a swim this evening. No gambling issues.. good night S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

You sound chilled....leave some stuff for tomorrow...going for a swim..nice 🙂

It's those autograph jeans that have done it lol....they are quality though.

You know something....you have really made me happy posting on my diary about you being a carer. My daughter is only 20 with such huge responsibilities. It's good for someone to connect with the me regarding the caring role and how difficult it is. I know this isn't about gambling but who gives a s**t. I find it really interesting.,,,and as you quite rightly point out your guy passed away in his wheel chair and no doubt the lady my daughter is looking after with just get worse and worse.........I'm making sure i don't drop dead in front of a slot machine....I feel writing that is quite funny in a sick sense...what you waffling on about Jas? Dunno.....just thinking of popping my clogs in front of a slot machine...the image is rediculous. I wonder if that has ever actually happened to anyone?

Anyway....take care SA

Jas 🙂

Hi Jas,

I dunno about dropping dead in front of a slot machine.. its probably happened somewhere. Ive cried sitting in front of a slotter as the last couple of 20's of what was supposed to be rent money were eaten up. The attendant asked me if i wanted a cup of tea. I said no thank you and walked out to my own private misery.

Thankfully that type of scenario is in the past for me now and I intend to keep it that way.

I went to Ga tonight. A good meeting. Returning members in the s**t. Full of horror stories. Great medicine for me though in a selfish sort of way. It re-inforced my committment to recovery. Keep safe everyone.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Just having a quick pop by!

Glad you enjoyed your meeting. Im seriously considering giving GA a go. I know there are elements of the approach that wont sit comfortably with me, but as you say, people who stay in GA seem to prosper in recovery.

Hope you are feeling good in yourself, I know you have been up and down a bit. Dont have anything helpful to add really, just 'thinking of you'!

Not been on forum much due to mad new job/wedding stress. Although I guess thats when I should be using it more.. Anyway,

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda,

I feel totally emotionally drained today...work related. I feel as its not even an option to have a "duvet day" (so to speak) cos without saying what i do for a living, things simply wouldnt get done and i care you see. I work with minimal support or supervsion or oversight and although i am pro-active and capable its also stressful.. and ive felt like a real stress head today. I like to feel as if I am part of a team. Its just hard.. thats all. On it goes...

No gambling thoughts so thats good. Goodnight.. S.A