Hope

Hi SA

I think you have done more than well these last couple of years.Not just with your own recovery ,but in all the help and advice you offer the newcomers.You wellcomed me into the diary section.People need to feel wellcome when they first post .Keep up the good work Jeff.

HI SA

Dont be so hard on yourself SA. Nobodies lives are perfect.. we all get lonely...feel worthless etc etc...all of us..i know i have....and of course gambling does not help the cause....think back and when you was standing at the fruit machines putting in £££ after £££ you felt lonlier than ever..i know i always did...especially the 1 hour bus ride home through the city on a friday night(payday) after emptying my bank balance, like i had the week before!

Ive learned to be grateful for what i do have, and realise so so many people are worse of than myself.

keep up the great work..and life really isnt that bad my friend...you currently arent gambling or suffering terrible urges daily like so many...that alone is something.

neil

Thanks Jeff and Neil for your uplifting comments, much appreciated.

I notice that am more likely to write self-pitying comments in the morning that in the evening. Maybe I was just tired or maybe depression is just worse for me in the morning. I don't feel depressed or lonely this evening. As so often happens exercise (this time swimming) has lifted my mood. I feel on a level.

It does make we wonder sometimes whether I should be on some sort of anti-depressive drug.. low dose or something just to stablise my moods a bit. I will have a think.

Of course I always use to use gambling to lift my mood.. straight from depression to euphoria and then back to depression except then it would be worse than before the gambling session. On balance I recognise that my shifting moods and positive or negative thinking is more on a level than it use to be. I feel positive at this moment in time. Cheers all.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Depression and gambling addiction are two of the things that have blighted my life. I see in an earlier post you said that you felt like you were waiting for a eureeka moment to change the way you look at life. I feel I have had a couple of those in the past. With depression I used to try to work out why I had it but in the end I truly believe that most people suffer from it but most are able to deal with it better than I did. Having been hospitalised, desperate and eventually losing my home, I was at the clinic one day when the doctor kept me waiting over an hour. I stood up, walked up to reception and asked them to give my regards to the doctor but I was cured and would not be coming back. Yes I have felt down at times, very down even but I have never once sought help again as I have dealt with it myself from within. This has never been easy but at the end of the day I think my eureeka moment came when I realised that this life is it, it is not a rehearsal, I am not coming back to get things right and perfect. We only have one life so we might as well try our best to enjoy it. If you have never seen the film called 'The Bucket List' it is well worth a look and if you watch it I bet you will shed more than a few tears but at the end you will feel stronger.

With regards to gambling I have thought I wnted to change my ways for many of the 36 years that I have been hooked but deep down I now think I was not ready. Yet on December 1st last year I did feel ready--I felt fed up with wasting my time and more importantly my money betting on a daily basis. I was the idiot who would still be in the shop at 9.30pm when they were closing, either trying to 'win' back the money I had lost that day or doing my best to lose what I had 'won' earlier. The wins were just loans anyway and I suddenly had this vision which had actually been staring me in the face for years anyway---I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP. Since getting this phrase into my mind it has triggered a different attitude to gambling. Again this is not a rehearsal it is the real thing and my money that I have lost has gone. I am now working to ensure that I do not waste anymore in the future.

My outlook to virtually everything has changed-at work I am closing down a company that I have felt trapped in for 5 years with partners who did not seem to care as much as I did. I am now starting a new company with my wife--will it work? who knows but I am not going to die wondering!!

It is great that you say that you are feeling positive at this time--the hard part I know is to remain positive. Look around and count your blessings--I know I did and I felt so glad that I was living my life and not that of the many who are far less fortunate than myself.

Excercise is great for improving your mood, in even in my darkest depths of depression I was still able to play cricket because like I thought gambling was doing at the time, it allowed me to escape the day to day pressures of reality and to this day, still does although like you indicated in your last post that indeed is not the case with gambling as this just ends up producing extremes of emotions.

One life---EUREEKA

All the best

Stumper

Just to say thanks for your continued support in my diary.

I can relate to feeling down and self-pitying in the mornings. I am like this before I go to work especially Monday!

I know I will not get time to do my jobs properly on certain days at work whilst some people are 'hogging the time' so they do not have to help on the more menial customer facing jobs and making me behind.

I have mentioned it before to boss but he seems happy to let me have to get behind and make up more time in a shorter space of time that these other guys get. Then he says why have you made this and that mistake! mmmm wonder why because someone is not giving me enough time and taking too much time doin their job or skiving off not doing their jobs!!!

I also find it hard not getting depressed/down myself when I am working with self pitying people 'poor me' types they are so selfish having time off and then expecting sympathy and you to bend over backwards when they return to work!

I feel like saying ' well I get really down too' you are not the only one. But I tried to say that before and then it's like a competition who is the most down and they always win! So now I try to ignore it.

I don't want to become one of those 'poor me' people as they annoy me. But where I work and the gambling thing it could happen working with these types of people. 50 percent of people I work with are ljke it.

Yes a boring job low paid, but if you want to skive off and say you are down (them) there are other people who would like the job. It is so selfish I think many people are using the depression thing when it is stress/anxiety.

Believe me where I work customers you deal with are so rude and miserable that it is enough to make a grown man cry after a few years there. I can understand why someone quite stable might become anxious/depressed there...

I don't want it to happen but with the staff cuts customers moaning etc the bad down days seem to be far too frequent.

Don't know if that is the same for you SA??/

Awayout

Thanks for the reply on my post mate. This is all about being positive We are what we are but only we can make us happier. Stay positive and strong mate. Depression and compulsive gambling are mere imposters and the sooner we can see that and get rid of them the better we will be.

All the best

Stumper

Well am having a good day today thus far. I have enjoyed posting the last few days.. certainly helps my recovery. I miss writing when i ease off a bit.

Had another good gym session yesterday.. no shin problems.. the specific exercises i do help in preventing injury.

In myself i feel unsure and unsettled about the future.. especially work stuff.. nothing new there though. But at the moment I am managing myself and my feelings well enough so that i don't gamble. Day at a time as always.

Had nice chat with sister yesterday. She's just moved into a new de-tached house. Am happy for her rather than envious. Today i choose to be greatful for what i have in life. I have my health. I have a home that i am happy in. I feel free from my addiction and thats a good thing. happy days.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Glad to hear that air of calmness and clarity back in your posts. It's seems that it's sometimes the pressures that we heap upon ourselves that causes the mind to work overtime and unsettles us.

Weldy

Thats better mate--treat this recovery as something that is part of our life and not totally our life. Things are there to be enjoyed and if the cap don't fit throw the bloody thing away.

Onwards and upwards

Stumper

I am no expert but sounds to me like you are doing very well ! Everyone has their bad /down days where they behave differently from how they would like , that isn't just for CG's so don't be too hard on yourself. Even the loneliness. People smiling , looking great like they haven't a care in the world but who really knows eh ?

Thanks Weldy, Stumper and Muppety.

Another day dawns gambling free. Am feeling good today. Over the last couple of days ive started to do positive things. Nothing big, nothing major, small positive steps. Like it said in some self-help book ive been reading.. its easy to dream of great acheivments and yet with dreams nothing changes. The dream world of the compulsive gambler. Life has to be broken down into very small very acheivable steps. This book refers to it as 3 percents.

Yesterday I bought an over the door hanger thingy and hung up my various coats and jackets, which normally just lie around randomly. Instantly my flat found some order to it. It felt good. And how much did this hanger thingy cost.. £2.. now that would be gone in a flash on a slot machine! .... 3%

Yesterday I bought myself a summer jacket, some new shoes and got my haircut. I seldom by new clothes you see. I always make sure bills are up to date and beyond (in light of my gambling past) but do very little just for me and feeling good about me. Taking these actions felt good... 3%

Yesterday I upped a gear down the gym. I ran 11km's in just over 1 hour. Its been months since ive done that sort of distance in that time. I also made sure I did my stretching and injury avoidance exercises after and consequently today I feel fine..3%

So yesterday was a 9% day. Thats fine with me. Maybe I will use this way of thinking more often. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Good morning SA,

There are several people here who I look forward to reading their diaries and yours has always been one of them. They help me to understand compulsive gambling and its day to day effects on a person in recovery better and I need that, to stay aware in my own life.

But today your last post has reminded me of how I should be. Since I developed my health issues I am constantly being told to 'pace' myself.... break things down into more manageable pieces.

You see SA, I have always been an 'all or nothing kind of person'... often blamed it on the fact that I'm a Scorpio! lol.

In my life before I had all these health problems, it didn't really matter. I always caught up with what ever I was being lacks with... in fact I had always worked at my best when under pressure, crazy but true.

I cannot function like that now, and it makes me cross. Everything takes so bloody long, compared to before. I 'think' that I have allowed enough time or energy to accomplish said task, but I inevitably get it wrong.

Sometimes it doesn't matter, sometimes I feel as though I let others down because of my inability to 'pace' and sometimes my 'actions' will take days or a week(s) to recover physically.... All because I am too stubborn or stupid(or both ;-)) and cannot 'get' the pacing thing. Maybe I am deliberately still trying to ignore the fact that, I so need pacing in my life. In order to live the best I can for me and others in my life, I don't know?

I need to accept. As you say 3% is good... its productive and it all adds up into something worthwhile. Not only does it get things done, it wont leave me in agony and the resulting depression that often follows.

Thank you for your words SA.

They help, because I know that I am not alone in my learning 🙂

Jackie

Your welcome Jackie. I totally relate to the "All or nothing thinking".. otherwise known as perfectionism.. in its extreme it means acheiving "nothing".. because what one does, never feels good enough so one ends up not even trying. This is the problem I have. Alot of the time I don't feel worthy. I don't feel good enough. I feel inadequate.. and yet deep down i know I am very capable. Its actually very debilitating living this way hence my talk of 3% acheivments.

But then I think its not all about acheiving stuff. When I went through counselling it was suggested to me that in order to get the attention and approval of my parents when i was growing up I felt the constant pressure to "acheive stuff".. the obvious example being exams. Don't get me wrong am not blaming my parents for how ive turned out (though I use to!) its just about getting an understanding of how I have ended up being the way I am.

I find it quite hard to accept myself for who I am and where i am at. Its hard to get away from the feeling of being a "disappointment" to others. I think its one of the worst things that loved ones can say to a compulsive gambler because they already feel lousy about themselves anyway.. well i speak for myself anyway. Even though my family have wised up and say things like "your fine just the way you are" I find it hard to see that for myself. I don't feel it. Sometimes as my diary will testify I find it hard to feel positive and as more time passes it feels like its getting worse.. its hard to describe. I am tired of feeling stuck in life.

On a positive 3%'s are definately the way to go for me.. like you say Jac pacing and focussing on the positive things that i am doing however small and not the stuff that am not doing but feel i should be.

Today I have bought lots of fruit. Am gonna eat fruit when i find I want to feed my face to comfort myself. My fruit bowl is full.. 3%

Another good gym session today 11.5 km's in I hour 5 minutes.. thats a record for recent times. I made sure to do my usual injury avoidance exercises. I also get joggers nipple and when i look down after a few km my top is covered in blood. Not any more though.. a bit of vaseline makes all the difference. I also use proper runners socks so I don't get blisters. The end result of all of this is that after the run I feel fine, no aches, no pains, no blisters.. 3%

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA

I like Jackie have health prblems and get frustrated that I can;t do all that I used to and however much I try sometimes it gets me down and of cousre the frustration makes the whole situation worse.

I like the 3% very much and plan to put it to good use 🙂

I always drop in and read your posts because you are one of a those, sadly low, who I feel are truly in recovery and working at it day to day. Many times I go to new postings only to find you have been and posted more or less what I would have said anyway lol

Good to hear you up beat,long may it stay that way cos you deserve it.

Take care

love W x

Hi W thanks for your comments. You remind me that I must count my blessings when it comes to physical health.. because besides my recent running injury and the occasional hangover I don;t get ill not even colds. I can imagine how frustrating health problems must feel. My commiserations.

But I guess like everything in life its about acceptance and coming to terms with stuff. easier said than done of course. I have other stuff that i struggle to accept and i guess like the serenity prayer says.. its excepting the stuff we cannot change and finding the courage to change the things we can... the things i can.. I can find courage.. I am a lion!! .. lol

Ive had a strange day. It wasnt until i was sitting in the sauna this evening that i started to feel angry about work stuff. Ive had a strong urge to write an email to the chief exec and say exactly what i think.. thankfully ive had a good old moan to my sister.. and got it out my system.. and at this moment in time am feeling a bit better. So in a way ive kinda dealt with it ... thats a 3% acheivement I think. Its a big acheivment for me to pick up the phone and have a rant. The normal me would ruminate and pace around alot and look stroppy.

Ive been reading some of my first entries to this diary nearly two years ago and when it comes to work am still writing much the same stuff. Its like a roundabout.. same old s**t same old feelings round and round it goes. The end game is getting closer I feel.. sometimes it almost gives me a high just thinking about it.

This diary chapter of my life will come to end at some point as well. I think the 2 year mark will be that point. Its becoming very long. End of May i will make my last entry and i will decide then whether to start a new chapter. me being me I probably will.. cos i like diary writing.. it helps me not gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A