Hope

Another day passes gambling free. Its been mixed emotions all the way but eneded up fine. Went to work with resignation letter primed but work turned out to be ok today as is so often the case when i catastrophize things in my mind. But I do need to get my a**e into gear to find new job. But also gotta take work and everything a day at a time as always and not act on impulse. Thats what i did with the gambling.

Quite a fiery Ga meeting this evening.. plenty of good stuff to listen to though. Good medicine as to why I don't want to gamble.

Thats it.. better get some sleep... can't wait for the easter break even though ive just had some time off.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Just checking in. No gambling problems. I have the usual pressures and uncertainty around work but as always just taking things a day at a time. Easter break coming up.

had a good gym session this evening.. 11km run.. feeling good.. no leg pain. thanks for listening.. S.A

Just checking in. No gambling problems. I have the usual pressures and uncertainty around work but as always just taking things a day at a time. Easter break is here.

had a good gym session today.. 12km run.. feeling good about that.. no leg pain. thanks for listening.. S.A

Is almost exactly what I wrote on Wednesday. Don't know if that a good thing or not. Actually am a bit depressed really.. hey ho.. thats life.

HI S.A.

Glad you had a good run!

At least you are doing something positive.

I was also feeling quite upbeat earlier on then slightly depressed just recently. My worst times are the silent ones. Not quite knowing how to fill my time.

I have so much clutter and mess at home that I hardly know where to start. Time for a Spring clear out for sure.. Especially with this awful weather!!

Hang in there buddy! I went out today and could easily stayed in and moped (very nearly did). I am glad I did not!!

Strange day today but nice and long and relaxing. Sort of felt like weekend came early!! No it's not Sat its Friday!!

Awayout

Hi SA,

What I seem to get from reading your diary lately, is someone who is aware there is something not quite right in their life, but who doesn't know how to 'fix' it. Your routines and rituals seem to protect you from those feelings for a little while, but they keep resurfacing...

That must be so frustrating for you. I hope you manage to figure out how to make things seem complete again.

However, still a lot of positives my friend! keeping yourself fit and healthy, and working your recovery. These are things not to be overlooked.

Hope you come out from under that cloud soon. 🙂

Take care,

f x

Thanks for yourthoughts and feedback Awayout and Freda.

Your spot on f though I try to get away from the need to "fix" myself as such. I try to be more accepting of myself as i am... not easy though. I am ok accept on those days where i don't think am ok.

I am feeling "stuck" and have done for the entire time ive been writing this diary really. The longer it goes on the more I see the same old patterns repeating themselves over and over. I guess if am trully honest with myself its the lack of talking and emotional support thats the real killer.. especially at work but also in my personal life. This is why i write so much. I seem to soak up stress and emotion and store it within me. It has no where to go so i run it out of me.. literally!

It is wrong that the organisation I work for does not "require" that i have clinical supervison or support or oversight. When am really struggling I will go and find someone to talk to.. cos as individuals there are some lovely supportive staff members.. but its not right in the great scheme of things. As an organisation its like they don't really give a s**t. But then of course the bottom line i spose is money.. my organisation has been dying the last few years.. staff leave but are not replaced.. short term funding.. perpetual state of crisis.

Yesterday a weeks worth of work stuff and work stress had built up and my head was fried. I was pacing around my flat ruminating on stuff but once I had run my socks off down gym and sat in the sauna and chilled out I started to feel better. Today am ok bit.. tired but fine.

I wonder to myself that if I was coming home to a secure relationship whether i'd be so affected by work or not.. am not sure. I think I probably would.. me being me. You'd think i'd be furiously looking for another job wouldnt you.. but am not.. and I dont quite understand that myself. Just scared of change i spose.. clinging to my habits and routines.

Like i say i feel fine today but of course thats in the context of it being the easter break. I have done fantastically well really in the great scheme of things.. part of me would love to go back gambling.. i did enjoy it. For anyone who has stood for hours playing slot machines you know what i mean.. switch off from the world and convince yourself that your winning money. I don't want to go back it though. I am not able to control it. Consequnces are just too grim. I re-affirm my committment not to gamble a day at a time. I keep doing the things that help me not to gamble. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi There my friend

You are doing well. You can be proud of what you have achieved so far and carry on achieving.

I am sending you a big hug (((((((((S.A.))))))))

Sometimes we over analyse, I think we have spoken of this before. I am only now learning to just accept things...

Not sure if a relationship would make you feel better or if it would just add to the pressures you are putting yourself under at the moment.

To be able to have a successful relationship with another human being, you first have to have a successful relationship with yourself, I think.

I have only recently started to accept "me" for who I am and not for who others want me to be. I am only just beginning to like "me"

By doing that I am also beginning to be happier in my relationship, which I have been in for alomst 7 years now. I have tried so hard to destroy it because I thought I wasn't worth loving.

I also believe that there is someone out there for everyone and when the time is right you will cross paths. You may already have crossed paths(like I had with my angel all those years ago) but time may have not been right then to pursue a relationship.

I sometimes feel "stuck" as you put. I then sit back and try to chill, because I think, I am trying to force issues instead of just letting them happen.

And if you ever want to talk, here is my e-mail address. [email protected]

e-mail me a contact number and I will gladly have a chat with you.

Stay strong.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

I walked i into the arcade that i am banned from and gambled my money away. Nobody asked me to leave.. exclusion is a tool rather than fool proof.... I am drunk..... bla bla bla bla.................... warts and all

I reckon you are still pushing out the zzzzz's!

(((((SA)))))

Jas xx

yeah just woken up... am not gonna dwell on last night.. its happened... everything changes after booze... I had a goodnight for the most part. I did not have any cards on me so no major financial damage done... no beating myself up this time... thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi SA,

2 slips quite close together huh? You are totally right, pointless getting all depressed and moping. But I know it has already occurred to you, that they were quite close together.

I do get a feeling from reading your diary, that there is a need for a reliable outlet for you in your life.

However, this doesnt have to be a partner. I often wonder how much you share at GA meetings. Whether this trend for caring for others at your own cost, extends into the room at a meeting?

Anyways, just wondering. Have you ever thought about life coaching or counselling? again, just other forms of outlet. If money was a major barrier (although goodness knows we never let it get in the way of gambling in the past) MIND is a national mental health charity who offer a free listening ear service. All volunteers are trained in basic counselling skills, just very basic ones, but its an option.

Anyway, you take care of yourself today, and remember however you feel today emotionally, it is an illusion caused by the old booze 🙂

f x

Wow last night is all a bit of a blur. Just lost control. I was on one. Couldn't find my off switch and thats addiction isn't it.. the ability to apply self-restraint and personal blocks just goes out the window. I am now £100's lighter in the pocket with the usual depressive hangover and still just as much "stuck" in life as i was this time yesterday. I have my sensible head back on now and with the benefit of hindsight i'd of been better off just flushing the money down the bog and be done with it.

Ive had counselling before Freda and to be honest am not especially open to it at the moment. Ive trawled through my past before and I like to feel ive come to terms with that and in any case i'd probably become dependant on it. It does feel nice to be really listened to and understood.

But your right some sort of reliable outlet is important and that is painfully absent in my life at the mo. Only I can change that. I am much more stable in life when i have atleast one other person of either gender that i really get along with and has the ability to listen as well as talk about themselves.

Many people have told me over the years that i have a naturally empathic nature. Ive always done "helping, supporting listening to others" type jobs.. it comes quite naturally. For years I was at the challenging end of social care. I formed trusting relationships with adults with autism.. which is no mean feat i can tell you. Whilst i put alot of effort into that because it was work I neglected personal and family relationships instead choosing to gamble. I think I will go and wish my family happy easter.

Anyway thanks for listening I just needed to write stuff.. returning to normal once again.. S.A

Hi SA,

Just wanted to add a quick note since you have supported me in the past so much. Keep the chin up m8 and hope normality returns quickly for you.

Weldy

Thanks Weldy,

I'd kind of said to myself at the turn of the year.. that this year was going to be a year of change.. and it will be. I'm tired of treading water. Sometimes I feel like gently headbutting the wall. Am getting more depressed as time passes. Its no surprise really that i want to gamble after drinking.. defenses lowered. Suddenly i can't remember why i cant gamble anymore.

Am not gonna do anything daft though.. tommorow I shall swing my legs out of bed.. go through my usual routines, go to work and do my job and then go to Ga and tell my story. Gambling is like the tip of an iceberg. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A

I think the answer to your latest gambling spree was one of you telling yourself "who cares anyway" and of course the combination of the booze.

I,ve been through similar on a few occasions and its not really a good feeling to encounter,i think it sort of creeps up on us slowly and then pounces at the right moment (not for us of course) but i,m not sure its something you can prepare for.

You like me KNOW more or less everything that is required of you to keep away from gambling but theres something missing and i think you,ve hit the nail on the head with your promise to yourself,CHANGE.

Its probably a bit overdue now,yes we can keep off the gambling with not too much effort but if theres nothing to distract or exert our minds then at some stage its inevitable the "who cares" theory will creep back in.

I,m not actually suggesting you do anything different from what your already doing or done,i reckon you should certainly look into shaking things up radically like i,ve done (buying a classic bike).

I mentioned on my diary about the "mental scars" that could well play a big part in our current way of thinking,well maybe time to put them into some sort of recovery and shake that s**t up.

You know what to do,you know what your doing,get them routines shuffled about.

Regards,

"" A NEW LIFE ""