Hope

Hi S.A

Thanks for another supportive post! Been taking your advice and hammering the gym. Got up to 10k.m in 59 minutes which i'm really proud of but i'm hoping to better this. I can't tell you how good it feels to be doing this than gambling!

Glad to see there are no gambling issues and your still going strong!

Keep it up mate!

Jimmy

Hi S.A

I have been reading through your diaries, you commented on mine before about the machines we thought of as friends!!

I am sorry but i couldnt help laugh at your dancing episode! but that is only because it was as if i had written it! i cant dance and even with lessons i have no rythmn and am so self conscious! i do think you hit the nail on the head when you said you cant function when you are being observed as that is how i am too, in virtually everything if i am been watched i go to pieces! Funny though as if i was sat at a slot machine with a good bit ih the bank i didnt mind being watched - until it all started to go and then i would secretly think the spectators were voodoo-ing me!

You are doing a great job with the gym - i am putting my energies into mountain biking and swimming but do wonder if i am just filling a hole with another obsession?

I think you are an intelligent and perceptive person so please excuse my lack of knowledge but someone once said to me that i am a people pleaser and evrything i do is always to do with what others would see as good. I dont know if you can see that in yourself? it makes me think if that is the case is the gambling that little naughty bit that no one sees and no one knows about? our way of saying stuff it!!

Any way keep up the good work in the gym! vaseline is good for chaffing on the nips! (apparently 😉 !!)

kindest regards

Linda

Thanks Freda, Jimmy and Lindyloux for your thoughts.. rest assured I shall parachuting into your diaries sometime soon.

Lindyloux I have a long history of being a people pleaser thats for sure. Its born of low self-esteem I think. Machines became a way for me to relax and chill and supposedly enjoy the thrill of the next win. Machines became my way of being selfish and simply amusing myself without having to think about or take other peoples needs or wishes into consideration. Part of my recovery is about putting my own needs first. I get miserable when i do things just to please someone else and that don't help me.

I hated being watched whether I was winning or losing (mostly losing of course).. and inside i would get angry with the lurkers and vultures standing at myside and behind though I would not let it show. My gambling was emotionally exhausting my moods would fluctuate wildly depending on where i was in the win/lose cycle and what others were doing around me

For me exercise replaces the machines for sure but there are so many other health benefits both physical and psycholgical to exercise that i dont see it in a negative way as simply replacing one obsession with another. If you enjoy swimming and mountain biking Lindyloux then keep doing it for sure. Its a good thing

Today i ran 17 km's in 1 hour 38 minutes. Am blumin pleased with myself. Two hours for the half-marathon is still a possibility. In the past i would have gone for a run tomrrow as well but I dont do that anymore. I shall rest and recover and have a run on Monday at the earliest. No obsessing about running and the inevitable injuries that would folllow.

No gambling issues, thoughts or urges. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

P.s Vaseline I discovered a while back.. its great.. no stinging nips in the shower lol 😉

Well my capacity for self-sabotage never ceases to amaze me. Same as last time and the time before. Drank too much and then gambled. Did a bit of damage as well had debit card on me. Feeling ashamed of myself. It wasn't enjoyable either. Just going through the motions. Feeding notes. Gutted. Note to self: when i get P***** I tend to want to gamble.. so don't get P*****!!

On a positive note. This has been a largely gambling free diary. I think on average ive posted every 24-36 hours or so for the last two years. Something quite unique I think. But it really is time to close this diary now. It has become too much of a crutch and its just got way too long.

I will start a new diary topic when the moment feels right but it won't be a day by day account. It will be something a little less intense.

Thankyou to all who have followed my journey and offered your support. Like I say I am still about and will keep in touch.. S.A

Hi all...

... I have not gambled since my last entry and I feel very much back on track... If anything I feel even more determined to lead a gambling free lifestyle. Am fully aware of how my drinking leads to gambling and I will not be setting myself up for a fall in that way anymore. No thoughts or urges to gamble.. S.A

Hi,

Its good to have you back!

You know drinking can lead us all to do things we regret later, not just gambling!, so dont be too hard on yourself. You have picked yourself up and whats done is done so now we want to know about your running and sore nips!! lol

take care and lets go onwards and upwards (i think thats the saying!!)

kind regards

Linda x x

Thanks Linda... 🙂

I was always gonna stick around.. just a question of whether to start a new topic or not.. but now ive settled again I will stick with this one. I like the fact that my thoughts are all in one place. I am gonna try and post less in my diary though.. just when i need to or perhaps a weekly summary rather than a daily thing. No gambling issues. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A.

Am on catch up as usual, 🙂

Glad you're still around. Like it says - never give up giving up. You know the stories, you have the tools...barriers need to be firmly in place at all times...

Sending love and hugs

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi S.A

Thanks for the supportive post on my diary. Its good to see your keeping this diary, you couldn't have summed it up better, all your thoughts are on here, its like a history of your recovery (and also a very good read!).

I think you should put your name down for a half marathon, i really want to but jus don't have the time just yet. If your running roughly ten minute miles, a half marathon looks very hopeful!

Good to see you've got your focus back again, you've approached it the same as last time, recognising instantly what you'd done and focussing back on your recovery straight away. You will beat this horrible addicition, like you said if you go through your diary you havn't gone for long before your back on here. Its rare short bursts. Your doing really well and i admire your determination!

Keep it up mate,

Jimmy

Thanks everyone for your support... much appreciated as always.

Its been a week since ive last posted in my diary. I have not gambled and had no thoughts or urges to gamble though I must admit ive indulged in other behaviours of an escapist flavour from time to time.

I am reminded of something that someone else has written in their diary. Part of it reads that in order to free oneself from addiction any addition...

"You’ll have to give up your search for immature gratifications. You’ll have to give up your self-seeking behaviors. And give up your dependent childlike responses."..

... how true is this?? ... very me thinks.

Being good to myself is about giving up acting on impulse. Its about giving up instant gratification be it in my case with food or alcohol etc. Cos after the instant fix comes weight gain and self-loathing and/or hangover and depression. I am a happier person when I don't act on impulse.

Part of me is writing this this evening in order to stop myself going out drinking. It is working. It is getting late. I'd need to wash and shave and i can't be bothered. I know that when tomorrow comes I will be happy that i didn't go out. I like to feel awake and alive on a Sunday morning.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

I liked hearing you talk about 'instant gratification'. I relate to it a lot.

It's not too difficult to give up an addiction, if you can treat yourself to all the instant gratification you like - as long as its of a different sort.

I like to read your posts because you speak a lot of sense, SA.

I had lengthy psychotherapy a few years ago and learned to, god this sounds so cheesy, 'be' with my emotions. Without distracting myself or comforting myself with anything else. Just stare them square in the face. It did work as I recall, but I got out of the habit at some point.

Thank you for your post, because it kind of jogged my memory and reminded me of a very effective way of dealing with things that I should perhaps take up again.

Good man for not going out on the lash. It would be a giggle for about 2 hours, but cause you about 8 hours of suffering - if you were lucky! 😉

Stay strong you top banana!

f x

Yes its lovely to enjoy Sunday without the after effects of a Saturday night on the booze.

Ive had a good day. I had a really good run. So full of energy. 17km in 1 hour 40 minutes. I havent done that sort of distance for many moons. After that I treated myself to a nice lunch and then bought some new shoes with the £50 I would have spent drinking. I then had a coffee and read the Sunday papers and enjoyed the late afternoon sunshine. Today it felt like summer is really on its way.

Thoughts of gambling are non-existent. I am smiling. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi,

What a lovely day for you! I just wanted you to know that your post made meel smile and had a real feel good factor too it!!

Well done! truly inspiring!

So nice to see your commitment to recovery is paying off!

kindest regards

Linda x

Thank you for your words S.A..... greatly appreciated!!

Its sounds like you had a lovely day. I haven't had time to read through all your journal yet as im new here but i will. I know that i will be truely inspired by alot of peoples journeys.

I think i will find out a lot more about myself than i did before. If nothing else im guessing this process makes you look long and hard at yourself, where perhaps you may have not taken the time before... Early days for me but at least im here now.

Hi S.A

What a nice post, good to see your in a good place at the moment and enjoying the simple things in life. Thank you so much for the amazing post on my diary, your kindness is greatly appreciated! Ever since i started this diary you have always been there to pick me up and keep me on the right track. Your knowledge and advice is top class and your kind words are something that comes naturally to ya! An absolute asset to this forum! Glad the running is going really well too, you've leaving me for dead at the moment, maybe one day i'll be running 17k.m, definately not at the moment!

keep safe mate,

Jimmy