Hope

Thanks Jeff.. am back up and online from home again. I will get back to posting to others soon. But for now am just checking in. No gambling issues. A thought or two of gambling pops into my head every now and again but ive dismissed them as soon as they arrive. I seem to be managing myself and my life well enough at the moment. Cheers for now.. keep safe all.. S.A

I think one of the things my diary tells me is just how hard it is for me to break free of self-destructive patterns of behaviour.. not just the gambling but also my drinking and my comfort eating and other behaviours. After several weeks of hardly having drunk a drop I got drunk last night.. got home after 4 a.m, idly surfed the web till the sun was up and then went to bed feeling like s**t. I am now horribly depressed and just want to burst into tears.

Of course after a good nights sleep I will wake up feeling better and swear to myself not to do it again. But if my history is anything to go by I will do this again. Sometimes it just feels like my whole life is consumed with trying not to do things that i know are bad for me in the long run.. but for a few short hours give some relief from life.

No doubt tomorrow my self-pity will pass and so the cycle begins again. If nothing changes then bothing changes. My addictions large and small continue to do press ups in the background waiting for their chance to strike. Thanks for listening.. S,A

They May be in the background waiting to pounce mate but as long as you have your barriers up they wont get anywhere near you...keep going my friend,we can do this 😉

Hi SA

Sorry to hear the silly-pop has got your head done in again. I was out on the laughing juice last night too, but just stuck to a few drinks and had a good night. Do you have trouble sticking to your limits with drink? I know a lot of people who do, and they end up getting wrecked every time.

Make sure you do things that make you happy for the next coupla days eh, restore the balance.

Hope you wake up feeling just as you have predicted.

Take care,

f x

Hi SA

I can relate to what yoy say about cycles of behaviour.

I more or less know I am going to have some really low spot after doing quite staying off gambling or having a bit more money in my hand and being stupid with it.

I always go through a stage when I am quite elated and then almost expect to got through a low stage and all this can be out of the blue.

It happened to me today, not the drinking but feeling slightly depressed and I went and gambled in an arcade somewhere. Went to go shopping for a day out but the first thing I did when I got there was go in the arcade.

Fortunately I have been scraping together and being careful with money recently (up to now) so I did not lose more than I can afford to get replaced. But still such a waste and scary that I could withdraw these big sums again chasing losses instead of counting my losses and quitting.

I do not mean to go on about my recovery but the thing about the cycle really did strike a chord with me. I almost fear feeling happy and doing well as I know sooner or later there will be a pitfall to fall down in. But we must all do our best and pick ourselves up.

Awayout

Hi Awayout,

I think we all have our cyles and patterns of bahaviour some positive some not so.. perhaps in theory its just about replacing the unhealthy ones with the heathy ones.

I am still recovering from Friday... going right through the night and into the day with no sleep at all and a belly full of drink is just plain daft. I feel depressed.

The thing is is that i have no natural barriers to acting on impulse and going on a "mad one" when and if i feel like it... other than myself and sometimes i am my own worst enemy.. No partner or family member or child to be responsible to.. no obligation to be in by a certain time or anything. Excluding the obligations of work I can in effect do what i want when i want which you'd think would be great especially if you live in a world of obligation and responsibilities... but in reality its not great at all.

I have no sense of belonging.. never have had really. Its strange that although i am no longer angry about events from my past and I do not hold any resentments I do continue to struggle to change my self-limiting patterns of living and being. thats where addiction steps in. Until i find the courage to make changes addiction stays close to me however long it maybe since my last bet.. which has been anything from no time at all to a period of years.. but none of that seems to matter anymore.. its just about trying to live my life for the better and becoming a happier person. I am tired of self-sabotage I really am. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Am feeling much better today.. self-pity and miserablennes has lifted. No gambling 🙂

Day off today. Feeling fine. No gambling problems. Went to Ga last night have been a bit lax on that front recently.. feel as if I am going out of obligation to keep the numbers up rather than becasue i really wanted to be there. But as is often the case once i am actually there i am happy to be there. A good mix of newbies and not newbies.. some in the depths of despair some not. Thankfully am not in despair despite my recent alcohol melancholly.. which is what it was really.

Am gonna do a bit of cleaning and tidying of my flat today. To be honest its a bit of a disgrace at the moment.. its dusty and grimy a bit unhygenic and a bit cluttered feel and I don;t like it that way. I prefer clean and organised but have been a bit lazy on that front. I always keep my phsyical appearance in fairly good order but my flat gets S****y cos few people ever see it other than me. I guess the reality is that my flat reflects the state of my mind.

Anyway thats me. Another day passing gambling free.. S.A

Hi SA

glad you are in upbeat mood. My flat is always S****y too! I never invite people round - im too ashamed!

Anyway, just checking in to say 'hi'!

f x

Hi SA

Thanks for popping in my diary, hope you are well!

Is your flat clean now???

Anyway mate you are the inspiration, love reading your posts, you always say it how it is in your own unique way. Like reading posts which show some real emotion and honesty and yours certainly have both!

Have good weekend, take care..ands

Cleaning and making your flat much more refreshed...

...Or gambling away?!

There certainly is only one obvious choice!

And you must feel so much better for it!

Hi S.A

Thank you for posting on my diary and your support.

You should get your bike going and get out and about! I cant believe what i did to mine! that walk home was a killer! yours sounded it too!

i mean sitting here now its obvious that if a piece of metal is sticking out you dont just snap it off! but at the time my sily little head didnt say that it said go on just do it! a bit like gambling I suppose! the thing is the bike cost £500!

i am gutted i have ruined it as i like going out on it you get to see so much more than in a car and the exercise is good! so now i have had to enrol in aerobiking at the gym and enlist the services of a personal trainer twice a week!

Your drinking nights sound very familiar to me, like you say when you have no responsibilities the endless drinking nights arent so much fun!

Just one last thought, my mum always says to me " a messy bed means a messy head!" so if your flat is in a pickle your head will be too!! lol

Onwards and upwards we go!

love linda x

Hi,

I post more on your diary than you do!! lol

Your description of you after a nights gambling was so spot on i was exactly the same. Crying out for water! sheer madness isnt it sat for hours and hours no drink, nothing! I even went to the doctor with my constant aching b*m and legs, was it sciatica? was it heck it was those bloomin chairs at the casino designed for 6ft men to sit on when all i could do was climb up and dangle my legs!! That has just reminded me actually i havent had back ache for months!

I am really interested in your running, i am so tempted to have a go! i really want to do a triatholon i can do the cycling and swiming but never done running as not really the right build.Shaped like a light bulb!! So silly as it may sound but i dont know where to start! any ideas would be gratefuly recieved i suppose everyone starts somewhere but its really daunting!

hope you are enjoying the weekend and not suffering a hangover?

love linda x x

Hi Lindy.. thanks for your posts .. you have a great way with words, brings a smile to my face 🙂

As far as the running goes.. its like any endurance sport.. just gotta put the miles in.. one foot in front of the other. I am not built for running.. I have a belly and generally a bit heavy up top. The weight seems to go to my shins and i have to be careful to avoid injury. I cant go running 5 times a week like some people can. Ive had many a light bulb lady running past me. Just get on the tread mill or start pounding the streets.. youl be fine. Just make sure you have the correct running shoes for you.. go along to sports shop and get checked out.. its important and proper running socks to avoid blisters and cut labels out of tops and shorts cos after a few miles they might start to rub.

I get joggers nipple real bad.. i have to smear my nips in petoleum jelly to avoid a blood bath lol I don't spose the fairer s*x has this problem. O and stretching before but especially after is important.. calves and thighs. I never use to bother with stretching and got injured. I always do it now. Go on google and type in "stretching exercises for runners" .. signing up for race is good motivator to.

Anyway thats enough of that.. no gambling problems.. am off for an early lunch. Cheers to all.. S.A

Hi SA,

Nipples eh? who'd ave em!

I am daunted by the thought of getting into running, but its something I would like to do too. I think its just because I want to conquer stuff. Have never been able to run far, but Im into the idea of overcoming things I find difficult, at the moment.

Do you run marathons?

Anyways, hope you have a good week!

Take care,

f x