How I feel today, the start of my journey

@deborah270882 Thanks Deb.  Yes, daily life/mindset has resumed to “normal/no thinking about wanting to gamble. Couldn’t think of anything worse to be honest 👎. Through Gamcare, I successfully downloaded Gamban on my phone/ipad. I closed that dodgy overseas sites. However, the trouble I had trying to do this and the non stop emails from them asking me if I am sure/not to close it, just made me more determined!💪. I think my last email to them (after sending them several of the same just said in block caps - CLOSE MY ACCOUNT!!!😡. It is wrong that they are allowed to bombard you after you have instructed them to close your account but they know what they are doing - well at least they do but not going to happen with me thank you!👋👋💪.

Keep going Deb. You have done fantastically well fighting those difficult urges. We all know where continuing to gambling takes us - even more debt or in my case - spending almost 5k of my own money I had saved for other important things 🙈👎. Still, it has gone and I move on and keep aiming to walk in a straight line 🙏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

So little update on me, Ive mentioned a few time along the way that I have been struggling with my mental health, the highs and lows are to be expected when you are in recovery but over the last 6 weeks Its just lows.  I used to feel enjoyment from the little things in life when I first started my recovery but as time has gone by I seem to have lost this feeling of pride and joy, I have found myself just watching the world go by while I do nothing, I go to work, I go home eat sleep repeat, i don't want to socialise, don't want to speak to anyone, I genuinely don't care about anything, its a different kind of numb than when actively gambling, the gambling takes your soul so you feel nothing, now I am just kind of getting through each day in daze.

I thought It may have been menopausal I am coming up to that age unfortunately so I bit the bullet and went to the doctors this morning, apparently I am depressed, now I know depression is a huge thing right now with most of the population suffering one way or another, and not as taboo as it used to be but I never thought It was something I was suffering from, i always put my low moods down to something, bad day, lack of sleep gambling losses!  

Anyway long story short I have been prescribed some anti depressants and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing further down the line in recovery, and also if they worked, I am worried because I have read that it can have the opposite effect and make you want to gamble, although I doubt there is any truth in this, I always worry if I think anything could effect the progress I have made, obviously I want to get better, I want to enjoy myself again, I want to want to live if that makes sense (I dont mean that in the literal way, i dont want to die) I just want to be happy, but dont want to risk recovery.  Any advice would be appreciated

Day 214, struggling with the medication but the doctor says to persevere.  I am so tired all the time and the headaches are a nightmare but its easing off, and hopefully in a few more weeks I will be feeling like my old self.

So big week for me this week, if you have read any of my diary you will know the things I did to fund my gambling, but today I have officially repaid the debt to my employer which will make a big difference in our finances moving forward, which now means I can concentrate on the debt collectors that have been hounding me for over a year, still so ashamed of the mess I got us into but we can only do what we can do.  So today I have spent my day setting up weekly repayment plans with them all starting tomorrow over a 12 month period.  That just leaves a couple of outstanding household bills (As i never paid them).

Unfortunatley I now have some CCJ's but my employer and family came first, I wanted to make right what I had done to them as they are the ones that matter the most.  I will contiue as I have paying my weekly debts and sending my partner the remainder of my money because I dont trust myself despite coming so far.

Anyone at the beginning of your own journey please no it is hard, and it isnt something that you can solve quickly but keep at it and the debt does go down.  Its going to be a good 12 months until we are finally out of the mess we are in, but already this week we are better off than we were, so keep plodding through and make sure you look after yourself, I let myself break mentally trying to take it all on and deal with everyday life which hasnt been great, self care is just as important as the care you give others if not more important.

day 222, feeling much better, sleeping better and I have a lot more energy, no urges which is good, I went through a phase of struggle but it seems to have passed, so Ill just keep fighting and crack on with life

@deborah270882 Lovely to hear Deb 👌💪. Keep up the great work. It most definitely is a fighting game but so well worth it.

Have a lovely weekend.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

255 Days and feeling quite proud of myself today, never in a million years did I ever think I could drag myself this far out, but here I am.  Urges are down lately and my mental health is much better.  Getting through the day is easier and I am enjoying the little things in life again.  I dont come on here as much as I used to and I wish I did, but I try to fill my days up as much as I can and keep of phones and computers, I've regressed to in person socializing, actually speaking and spending time with people and I feel so much better for it.  See your friends and family, go for a walk read a book its amazing how much joy the little things can bring when your not focussed on the next bet/ spin.   x x

@deborah270882 👏👏👏👏💪

Pink lady 🩷🍎

back to day 1, I am so ashamed I have spent the last 17 days gambling non stop ruined everything I had done, In March I would have been 1 year gamble free and I have thrown everything away and risked everything again.  And why, I have no idea on the 10th Jnauary I logged on to Gamstop to ensure my exclusion was still on as I had started getting emails again from some companies, my 5 year exclusion had expired on 6th january this year, instead of renewing or leaving in place in a moment of madness I called them to have it lifted I logged on to my bank and requested the gambling freeze was lifted, after 48 hours I was free to ruin my life so I did, I dont know what i was thinking so so so stupid, since then I have gambled all my wages and our rent, I broke last night and put everything back in place, put the blocks on all my bank cards again reregistered with gamstop for a further 5 years with an auto renewal.  What have I done???? I feel sick with guilt and shame, I hate myself so much, I had fought every urge up until now with everything I had to just get by every day for the past 10 months. Will this ever stop for good, can anyone actually ever beat it

@deborah270882 i am really sorry to hear this and u must be feeling awful i did something similar after covid i was around 3 years clean at the time i had no support in place and ended up gambling i went back to Ga and managed to get few months bet free then relapsed and did my worst damage in 18 years since then i have put more emphasis towards my recovery which i never had done before i am on here regularly and i havent taken my recovery for granted u should be proud of yourself i myself have been in recovery since 2010 however i realised for me i have to continue on this journey as i have already realised i can spend time away from a bet however i have accepted the addiction can catch me out after the last relapse i realised i dont want to experience those feelings again and i cant take this addiction for granted

So sorry to hear about your slip Deborah.  I'm sure there's nobody being any harder with your than you are being to yourself right now. As disappointing as it is, what is done is done.  You put the blocks back in place now ✅ and you realize you made a huge error of judgement ✅.  

Try not to think of it as "right back to day 1" in reality you stayed gamble free for over 250 days.  The number might be reset to 1 but what you achieved was actually remarkable. Shake yourself off, keep those blocks in place and consider giving your finances or at least sight of your finances to a family member for now to hold you to account. 

You got this ! Good luck 

@deborah270882 Hi Deb

I have just replied to your message on my diary so please take a look at that also 😐.

First things first however - you most certainly have NOT failed! You have done something that many of us on here have done. I for one, have done this on and off over a period of 18 years, causing some serious financial damage to myself - a person that for most of the time is so money savvy, sensible and thrives on achieving mini goals!

I think that it’s actually good that you feel so bad about this 👍. It demonstrates that you are not happy behaving like this anymore and you are not comfortable with this either.

You have done what you need to do and this shows strength and determination, knowing that in time, things will resume they way they were.

I would suggest not dwelling about how many days you got to but to commend yourself that you got that far 👏👏👏.

For me, I didn’t like seeing my counter go right back to day one and I’m sure you will be feeling the very same right now. I have since told myself however, that “this was due to 2 separate lapses and besides this, come end of March this year, I will have been g.f for 2 years, less 2 lapses. This in itself made me feel better and helped me not to feel deflated looking at my daily counter.

I am rooting for you Deb. You have got this!💪💪💪💪🙏.

Chin up.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.xx

Good afternoon Deb,

I haven't commented on your diary before and to be honest am slacking with my contribution on here but I rather pop round time to time than never.

I read of your relapse. Oh boy, I've been there so many times it even hurts to remember.  One wise soul once told me "nothing changes if nothing changes". I interpreted this in many ways until I found a fitting which suits me. I cannot say im cured, I will never be but now I am very responsible in accepting this. I speak freely about this dark cloud I had over me all those years and I am now proud to actually tell people that yes, I do have blocks on everything I can because I am an addict. I cant win because I cant stop. So I rather spend time on more engaging activities....sitting still and doing nothing also falls into that bracket for me. 

Don't beat yourself up about the slip. I honestly dont know one fellow soldier battling this who didnt have a relapse. Its just how we grow and how resolve grows when we remember that pain all this causes. Im not making it sound lightly. I know how devastating it feels but it doenst have to stay this way. Dust yourself down, get back up and try again. You are absolutely wonderful and can do anything you put your mind to. !!!

Be proud for clarity you have now. You may not be able to get the money back but you can start this new fresh canvas once again. Its ok to look back and reflect but please don't stare, you got a road ahead of you with many many possibilities and rewards for your soul and mind.

Just for today, choose not to gamble. 

& be kind to you, its very important!

S&B xx

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages, 10 days have passed, I have had time to reflect, still hate myself still seething but I am so glad it was only a couple of weeks, there was financial damage but it was minimal compared to the past and its not the money I care about, its the niggling feeling that I wasn't strong enough when I had done so so well.  But I cant take it back I did it, no clue why, I think simply because I could, it just goes to show I do not think this disease can be beaten on willpower alone, the blocks have to be there, because it takes one split second for that "what if" thought to darken your mind.

I dropped straight back into that numb horrible life I led for so long without a care in the world, I feel lucky to have snapped out of it when I did, I have been honest with my family on this journey and my partner noticed the difference in me after a couple of weeks, I opened up accepted the push I needed to put all the blocks in place.

Anyhoo's like you all say enough negativity, I'm back on the waggon so to speak, maybe just need to strap myself in a little tighter.  

I like the idea of not losing my gamble free days, every single one of them was gamble free, i think I was at about 260, the way i see it with these 10, thats 270 gamble free days and 17 dark ones, I suppose thats not bad going really especially to think of where I was this time last year, I will take a small relapse over rock bottom again any day, I promise myself now I will never give myself the oppertunity to fail again.

Onwards and upwards friends x x x x

@deborah270882 Well done Deb 👏👏👏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Deb hope u are great i had 100s of relapses before coming on here been in recovery since 2010 it all part of the process i am still learning about this addiction as now i value my gamble free life style i recently bought Patrick Foster book life as a gambling addict and i am glad i did now then at the start of my recovery as i am in good space now it the best book i have read as i see my own way of thinking and the way i justified gambling i also forgot certain things i could have done and how my brain justified those actions which gambling addiction had made me forget which has only made me stronger towards my recovery now i completely understand it was the addiction rather then my own thought process why i acted in such situations i realised once i started recovery i needed to invest time towards recovery and also i needed to make changes as a person one thing i learnt i was stronger then i actually thought i was picking myself up since 2010 when i first asked for help