I can't do this alone

On to day 4 now. Feeling pretty positive today.

Hi mjpsmummy

Just read your dairy and wow gambling with your morage money is a huge risk, you could fall back on your repayments or you could lose that money and also you could also lose your house.

Think of that if you lost your house how bad you would feel then. I am not trying to make you feel bad but you have to look at the reality also.

You could let you someone deal with you fiance.

Trust me it will help in the long run.

Also I would put a block on the computer or get rid of the computer if you don't use it for anything else.

Stay strong.

Thank goodness for blocking software! If it wasn't for that I would have gambled today for sure. I don't have any spare cash but somehow you can always find it from somewhere. We just had 3k paid into our business account so even though that isn't my money to spend it is all too tempting sometimes.

Had a really hectic and fairly stressful day at work and I found myself missing the 'release' I used to feel from playing the online slots. It is a very good job I have betfilter on my work pc (yes I would gamble from there if I could!) and k9 on my phone.

I keep feeling as though I am missing out on winning from the slots even though the reality is I am actually winning by NOT playing them!

This is tough but I have to look at the bigger picture and keep thinking how good it will feel when I get to payday and won't have to watch my wages disappear down the black hole that is the slot machines.

By tomorrow I will have made it to a whole week without gambling! Can't remember the last time I did that! 🙂

This week has been pretty bad and I relapsed on Wednesday and blew £900. Money I just don't have to be wasting on the slot machines. I have just about got over the guilt and annoyance at myself and am ready to dust myself down and start again. So I am back to day 4.

Right now I am at work on my own and there are 3 computers I could go on to gamble as they have no restrictions on them. However, the only person I would be cheating is myself and I would no doubt end up a whole lot poorer as I did on Wednesday.

I have K9 on my phone and betfilter on my laptop and work pc. On top of that I have now emailed the sites I used regularly and asked them to self exclude me. Some of them make it easy and just take your instruction, others make it a bit more difficult with forms to fill in and send back.

Now I have to stop rambling and get on with the work I came here to do.

Well I feel like I've finally turned a corner. I logged into my bank account today and there is still money in there! I got paid on Friday and normally by now all the money would be gone and I'd be trying to work out how we were going to get through the month.

I've paid my daughter's nursery fees in full for the first time in over a year (still got a debt with them but at least it's not getting any bigger now!), did a decent shop at the weekend and am about to catch up on my electricity bill.

I really hope I can do it this time.

Hi! Thanks for the post and tips on my diary. I think I am going to follow your lead and just get the money out of my bank account as quickly as possible. I control the finances and don't want to give that up but you demonstrate all the legitimate things we can transfer funds to rather than blow them online. Best of luck with your recovery; keep posting.

If the money isn't in the bank account I can't spend it!! I take cash out to stop myself giving it to the gambling websites!

I still can't believe there was money in my account today - normally I get paid on Friday and don't want to look in the account on Monday.

Hey mjpsmummy,

Great to see the learnings coming through and you protecting yourself from other lapses.......and I'm delighted that you've shown the courage to get back on the horse and not slink into the background......really well done for continuing to fight. Despite last week, you've got a lot of reasons to believe that this is your moment to seize freedom from this awfulness!!

Right behind you!!

Well done and keep going - the challenge thread is open again for check ins!!

Take care, Mr Bx

Thanks Mr B!

This morning I have been brought back to reality with a bump when looking at my bank account. My account showed a large available balance yesterday, today all that has been swallowed up by the money I wasted last week. Normally the account takes this money straight off and you don't see it in your available balance. Not sure what happened yesterday but on the positive side we have food in the fridge, I paid nursery fees and I paid the electricity bill! It's only a couple of weeks till we get our tax credits and I have cash to last until then.

Hopefully this is the last time I will get that sinking feeling when I look at my bank account and see there is no money in there.

I am starting to feel like a cloud has been lifted and am now wondering how I could ever have thought it was ok to spend £50 after £50 after £50 chasing losses. I felt really happy yesterday when I stocked up on fruit and veg and a few other bits and spent less than £30. I still can't understand how it is possible to be sensible in the supermarket when you are using tangible cash but it is also possible to be such an idiot and keep depositing ££s in the hope that one deposit will win back all the other money that has gone in.

This has been a tough lesson but the £900 I wasted last week is enough to bring me back into the real world and STOP for good. Or at least I hope so.

I never ever want to get that gambling head on where I think it is ok to keep depositing until there is no money left. If it was cash in my pocket I just wouldn't spend it but when it is virtual money (or so it feels when you are in a gambling haze) it is impossible to stop.

I know now I cannot win because I cannot stop! So I will not start in the first place. Even a 'small' deposit leads to trouble and I'm not going there again.

Ramble over......

Another day over 🙂

I keep getting emails from online sites offering me 'free' spins and bonus money but I am so far managing to ignore them. Even if I didn't ignore them the blockers I have in place would stop me. Thank goodness.

I realise I still have a long way to go but at last I feel like I am going in the right direction.

Made it to day 9! Another weekend to contend with but I can honestly say I have no desire to go anywhere near the gambling websites I was so addicted to.

hi mjps

well done on day 9 you doing really well and long may it continue. Just believe in yourself, you can do this and you will never have to deal with those feelings you had last week ever again.

Linda

Morning mjpsmummy!

Many congrats on getting through the first week - no week is easy, but I'm convinced that getting through the first one and beginning to break old habits and form new ones makes the rest slightly easier......and it does get better over time!

Don't forget to check in to the 2014 challenge thread!!

Stay strong, you're doing really well,

Mr B

Thanks Linda and Mr B!

I have had the odd thought of 'what if I wasn't excluded/didn't have blockers in place....' when I get emails offering me bonus money - mostly in my junk box and from sites I've never played on so it's not as easy to stop the emails - but I am managing to ignore them and have to be very grateful for the blocking software and self-exclusion.

I have just read the posts from Jimmyc and find his whole attitude very odd. I agree with him that I never want to go back there (to gambling) but he then goes on to say he is still betting!! For me there is no such thing as controlled gambling and I have to stay away completely. I also know willpower is just not enough and the only way I've got through these early days is the blockers, self exclusion and posting on here.

On to another week 🙂