I HATE MYSELF

My story

this is my second visit to gamcare , my story is much the same as when I first became a member last year , nothing has changed much and needless to say I'm still gambling ...

I have never felt so low as I do at this moment in time and last week I missed my appointment with a gambling councillor

I'm so fed up with myself and the feeling toward myself is that of pure hate.

Something seems different this time I know I need help , last year I thought I would just stop or could stop , but I now realise that to stop I need to get help , not only advice on gambling but advice on why I do something I do not enjoy . In my rational state , at best I just worry how to pay the bills in my irrational state I do not worry about bills I spend what ever I have or haven't got it's like some one giving me a self destruct button and me pressing it .

There is nothing I want more than to stop gambling .

I have no one left to turn to as my will have nothing more to do with me also my dad won't even pick his phone up I'm a mess

I have just about banned myself from every site online , but can always manage to find a new one to join , I have installed blockers on everything I own and then buy a new phone , I'm at my lowest at the moment having just moved home into a council house as my home is about to go up for sale as I cannot pay the mortgage , there is no carpet in the room and the kids are walking on floorboards ,and with what I have gambled away I could bought a dozen carpets , yet I choose to believe its because I have no money because I am a single parent , I have blamed everything and everyone even my kids for my gambling and I feel disgusted with myself .

This has got to be the end

Please let it be the end ...

Or it's just the beginning it's day one

lesley

It's the beginning of the end!!

I know how you feel!! I'll be checking in on u!! Try n keep your chin up and stay positive , your kids need you!! X

Most of the time it takes me to totally mess up to motivate me to get up and make things right ,but what happens when you don't care about making things right .

Rational head on !

I am filling boxes to do a car boot sale on Sunday , I've put my name down for overtime tommorow but that's just steps to ensure the kids get fed this week , it's exhausting ,I look tired all the time I don't sleep , I never go out , don't get my hair cut , just sit in my pjs and gamble , bingo , slots , roulette anything online , when I look back I started when I had my third son , soon after his dad left us and I was left bringing up three kids alone , I was board , if I'm honest a little depressed and one day joined a bingo site , from then on for most if my sons life I have gambled , if I have been gambling for this long that's all my son knows , the me who gambled , snaps , is moody , has no money is always working to pay of debts

It makes me sad ...

I want my kids to know there mum again ... I am determined they will.

Lady h wrote:

It's the beginning of the end!!

I know how you feel!! I'll be checking in on u!! Try n keep your chin up and stay positive , your kids need you!! X

I really hope it is the beginning of the end ... Because right now I am a horrible person .

It's nice to here I have some one checking on me

lady h , thank you

Hi Lesley ! Just picked up on your posts . Wow ! youv'e certainly not had an easy one have you ! . I think firstly you need to be congratulated on bringing up 3 kids alone , I've struggled with one and that was only since he was 13 and that was quite challenging at times , so you need to start feeling proud of yourself for that fact alone !. I think from reading your posts the way you gamble is a release from everyday life and the difficulties you have gone through , I might be wrong but thats the impression I'm getting ?. Everything you describe , the tiredness, not sleeping and not looking after yourself , are all down to gambling taking over your life , everything revolves around it . And your release has now become the cause of your problems !. Time to find a new release me thinks ?. You really do need to stop Lesley , not just for your kids but for you too !. Have you considered talking with your doctor ? he may be able to refer you to other help for the gambling and also help in dealing with the feelings of depression that you speak of . Youv'e got to put all the blocks in place this time and no messing around !. If you were a bloke , I'd be telling you to rummage around and find a pair !, but in your case that would be a bit strange ! But you know what I mean ? . It's no good going through the motions like blocking sites ect, only to go and buy a new phone or laptop , coz your gonna go absolutely nowhere with that one , its just not going to work , is it ? . Lady h was right in saying , your kids need you ! they do , without you they have no one and they dont deserve that , do they ?. So go for it girl ! .Put your brave hat on , take one day at a time , deep breaths when you need them ! and take control of your future , as only you can !!. Tommorows a new day , sieze it and move forward Lesley ! Little steps !!, Take care for now Sweetie . Alan a Compulsive Gambler who will not gamble today !

I am a single mum to four beautiful children, why oh why then am I destroying our future with my vile evil addiction!

Hiya!!

How u feeling 2day? Your not a horrible person it's your addiction that's making you feel that way!! Together we will fight this. I managed not to gamble yesterday & know I wont 2day or 2morrow as I have work.

I've also gambled since my lil one was born, too much time on my hands was a big factor.

Wishing u a gamble free day xx

Many of us will recognise the opening 6 lines of your initial post. Hard to compare how much we've hated ourselves...BUT...the key is to put everything into stringing a few days together...keep coming here and sharing your feelings. You'll get support from others who understand.

When I joined here I could've started with a similar introduction. 85 days later I don't consider myself a great person BUT I am just a little pleased with myself (because I didn't believe I could do it). If I dwell on the mistakes I've made (and there have been many) I will start a cycle of self-loathing but I'm finally understanding that doing that helps NO-ONE....not the people I have wronged and certainly not me. The only way I can help everyone is by being positive and being the best I can be. I believe that target will be achieved by abstaining from gambling. Seeing people on this forum who have hit treble figures and beyond has finally convinced me that I too can genuinely enjoy a normal life.

As I say it doesn't wipe out the past but punishing myself will just put me back in a place where gambling seemed like it helped.

I'm living in the moment and at the moment this is the best I've felt in a long time.

Wishing you strength x x

The reason I gamble cannot compare to the reasons I should not , the most important being my beautiful kids ..

This bit from your first post got me. Remember it everyday from now on as it is so right..... The reasons not to far out way the reasons to do it. Stay strong... You can do this 🙂 we are all pulling for you

Addiction isn't a case of bad people trying to become good. Its about sick people trying to get well.

​

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments Xx

It's hard to write how you feel when you don't know , I have such mixed thoughts about gambling and still don't fully understand why I do it ... When I gamble I shut off I often gamble late night / early morning because I cannot sleep ,when I do finally get to sleep I remember what I have done , panic sets in and the day is already of to a bad start , the kids get up and that's that grumpy mum for the day , I don't gamble everyday , and don't wake up thinking I need to gamble , that's why I cannot understand this addiction I have .

I tend to binge gamble spend a huge amount in one hit then will continue for the next few days and then stop . I spend the rest of the month trying to make ends meet , and working overtime to fix the mess I have made . I have got to a point where I am so exhausted trying to put things right I cannot do it any more . I have had enough , I see pictures of my friends on social media ect .. doing things with their kids , I get really upset and realise I have no pictures to put up I'm costsntly trying to fix things so we can pay the bills ect I am missing out on my life . The thing that hurts the most is so are my kids .

I didn't gamble yesterday I'm still in the repair the mess I've made stage , the biggest test will be when I get get paid in a weeks time ..

Praying not to fail this time xx

P_K wrote:

Many of us will recognise the opening 6 lines of your initial post. Hard to compare how much we've hated ourselves...BUT...the key is to put everything into stringing a few days together...keep coming here and sharing your feelings. You'll get support from others who understand.

When I joined here I could've started with a similar introduction. 85 days later I don't consider myself a great person BUT I am just a little pleased with myself (because I didn't believe I could do it). If I dwell on the mistakes I've made (and there have been many) I will start a cycle of self-loathing but I'm finally understanding that doing that helps NO-ONE....not the people I have wronged and certainly not me. The only way I can help everyone is by being positive and being the best I can be. I believe that target will be achieved by abstaining from gambling. Seeing people on this forum who have hit treble figures and beyond has finally convinced me that I too can genuinely enjoy a normal life.

As I say it doesn't wipe out the past but punishing myself will just put me back in a place where gambling seemed like it helped.

I'm living in the moment and at the moment this is the best I've felt in a long time.

Wishing you strength x x

I am so glad you took the time to write that message that in its self made me smile a little , thank you ! I want to the love the moment I'm in , I understand completely what that means . To be able to enjoy things without having the constant worry I've created by my gambling , right now I don't enjoy anything , my kids have become a chore and I hate that , I spend all my time stressing and working they are just another job , I want to enjoy them again , and your totally right dwelling on the mistakes I have made is helping no one , my little boy asks me why I'm talking to myself quite often , it sounds dumb but I didn't realise I was I was worrying about things and he saw that . I can rember saying I had no one to talk to he told me to talk to him .. I didn't really know until now how much I'd missed them or missed out on .

Thankful for your time x

Hoping I can stay strong xx

You're more than welcome. Keep coming back, read other diaries, update your own as an outlet for your feelings. Together we'll claim back our lives. :0)

Day 3 ..cannot lie today has been pretty easy I haven't had time to think about gambling , busy , busy all day so it's been a breeze , looking forward to my bed and hopefully a decent nights sleep , my mind is working overtime at this hour , I guess it's because I have time to actually think as the kids are in bed , I think I gamble to block out, thoughts , worry ect most of which would not exist if I could just beat this addiction.

Iv never said I have an addiction befor sounds awful , I don't like it

night x

I will not be gambling tomorrow