I HATE MYSELF

I'm going to try anything ..I cannot leave things to will power alone as I have already demonstated I have none, I have blocked i have given up financial control to my bank, none the less ,I have no laptop no I pad no fancy phone , I have limited internet access to block gambling sites but I still manage to find a way there will always be a way .. I do believe I can stop gambling or I wouldn't be here. I am here to stay now good or bad .. I cannot put my family through this, it's one thing hurting myself but another thing hurting others I kid myself thinking my gambling doesn't affect them but In the past it's never been a finacial issue just been me and my constant ups and downs .. my kids want for nothing but they could have more .. i want to give them more and hopfully I can, not necessarily money but give them their mum back .
I recievedl so many comments from people who tell me my kids are a real credit to me .. everyone adores my eldest son who will be 18 soon .. he's such a gem and an amazing young man ..I don't want them ever to be like this .. it would devastate me ..
I have just had an assessment from a councellor who can get me in next week .. face to face this time that means out of my comfort zone i will have to leave the house ..I have had phone councelling previously but I found it of very little help.
All the stops out this time has to be different .Im not prepared to loose my rock and best freind.
I simply cannot let my mum down again I won't let it happen .
I may have lost myself but I will not risk loosing her she is all I have.
The thought me loosing her this week has petrified me .. If i gamble again It will happen .

[quote=ODAAT]

Hi Lesley, sorry I don't have time to go back through your diary but blocks are not going to stop you. Well done for booking the doctor's appointment but I have to ask, what are you expecting from them? GA is a support group of people who get this, they won't offer you money but they will be there for you if you are prepared to reach out. GamCare offers counselling & I understand, a second lot if you've already had one set. It's little wonder you are worried about putting your mum's home @ risk but that didn't happen by chance. That would have taken time & effort & It's a choice that you made, albeit fuelled by addiction...Now you have another choice. You can get off of this landslide & find your self worth again but you can't do it alone & since your loved ones are unable, you have to find the strength to reach out to strangers. We're not intrinsically bad but as addicts, we do bad things & only we can put the effort in to right them!

Fight hard - ODAAT

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So far all the wrong choices have gotten me here , change seems so far away I can't see an ending .. I am going choose a happy one that starts with taking my illness seriously , don't even risk it ,no more trying to find out iv I can control it , just accept the fact I cannot . The depression also is not to be taken lightly .. no more doing things in my own im going to get help ,it's arranged . If I was an outsider looking in on my life I would never choose it for myself .
This has without a doubt been the worst , most stressfull month of my life, it's near its end and soon to be forgotton .
Here's to June .

Thank You ODAAT , always there for others with very sound advice.

Iv had a pretty decent day today .. no gambling, I have been pretty busy doing nothing important but if there is one thing I have learned it is far easier to not gamble when your distracted . I read somewhere that destraction is more effective than will power alone when your trying to beat any addiction . It works but im cream crackered.

Day 16 .. I have sorted counclling out and am not really looking foward to it ..I will try anything at this point .I am so anxious at the moment can't shake it off , worried ,stressed , alone , unable to see through the fog .. I want to stop being worried ..