I HATE MYSELF

Day 4

I have been awake since 4 o clock and awoke during the night , my mind is on overtime at the moment , I am so far resisting the urge to log on to a certain site

it's the only site I havent excluded myself from ... It is force of habit when I wake during the night to gamble , tried to get back to sleep but just couldn't ... I'm going to get up in a minute I thing I'd better leave the I pad up stairs , out of site out if mind so to speak .

Iv been feeling a little panicked these last few days and the reality of having clean up the mess iv made is starting to sink in , there will be no winnings to help clean up the mess, but then also there will be no losses to add to the problems . Don't know why but started to worry about work n stuff seemed to be on edge all day yesterday and a little snappy with people at work .

Oh well I have plenty of house work to do so may as well get up

I did not gamble yesterday xx

[quote=Half-Life]

Hi Lesley

Why leave the door open? Self exclude and get that blocker on. You'll feel better knowing there's no avenue open.

All the best 🙂

Hi , your right i should block myself from this site and I an currently on a six week cooling off period so can't log on , I think maybe I haven't blocked myself because it's my way of trying to stay in control of my gambling , I would like to be able to control myself when I gamble but I know I cannot , I suppose I don't really want to stop gambling just control it . I will be self excluding myself , as soon as I can . I can't seem to motivate myself today I have to set of for work in an hour , I did a car boot sale yesterday which meant I could put a little money in the bank and get a shop in ... It felt good and my bank balance is starting to look a little more like a mess if might be able to manage , so long as I can resist my gambling in the early hours , day 5 so far no major urges but was i so board last night , I thought about it quite a lot .

Time to move , and get ready for work xx

so happy I didn't gamble yesterday

Hi Lesley,

I am very much in the similar situation to yourself. I don't know why I gamble and after I do I hate myself and cannot even look at myself sometimes with all the lies and deciet. I feel self excluding from all the shops is a really good idea, I am going to do that today as I feel once I do I will come out feeling relieved, rather than feeling a sense of being restrained from gambling. I feel if we leave the door open, we will always be tempted to walk through it, especially considering we have a background of addiction

Hope all is well

SRL1

Hi Lesley. I hope all is well today. I am sat here itching to go play slots. I'm grumpy and snappy. I hate what my life has become. Star x

SRL1 wrote:

Hi Lesley,

I am very much in the similar situation to yourself. I don't know why I gamble and after I do I hate myself and cannot even look at myself sometimes with all the lies and deciet. I feel self excluding from all the shops is a really good idea, I am going to do that today as I feel once I do I will come out feeling relieved, rather than feeling a sense of being restrained from gambling. I feel if we leave the door open, we will always be tempted to walk through it, especially considering we have a background of addiction

Hope all is well

SRL1

Hi SRL

I have to admit , I have never gambled in a shop , I can walk in a arcade and betting shop and not be tempted to place a bet what so ever , I only ever gamble on line , my sister is an managing director of a very well known chain of betting shops , she deals with self exclusion on a daily basis it always shocked me when she talked about the amount of money people would spend in the machines in the shops , she would speak about women coming in begging for there money back as they had spent all the money for food and bills and couldn't feed the kids , little did I know I could become one of those women . I have so much to make up for .... Not being able to take the kids out , missing out on school trips , making do with , and doing with out ect ... It's so unfair to them .

I do think however I gamble when I am stressed and feeling a little low , I don't even gamble anymore expecting to win , even when I do have a win I would blow it a day later. I think that's going to be the key to my giving up ,knowing how things will turn out win or no win .

I have been in a good mood today , hope it continues .

Wednesday is my tester , I always gamble on a Wednesday , my day off .

Wow. Reading that last post was like listening to myself ☹

Day 7

I have been very very tempted today , it's my day off work and I have been home alone all day , I logged on to site this afternoon with the intention of plying a few slots , I'm gutted I did , turns out I couldn't deposit as I had excluded my card ,I felt so relieved when I couldn't use my card , I'm not sure how to feel about my attempt to gamble , I suppose I didn't try to log in to any other sites and the blocker was there because I put it there , but If I hadn't maybe I would have gambled today

as it is I didn't

I hope I will not tommorow

Hi,

You might look at this the other way round? You took real positive steps to deal with the problem, you put proper barriers in place and they worked when you were tempted. Isn't that what's supposed to happen? You didn't gamble, that's all that matters.

BW

CW

Very well done to you Lesley. Even though the temptation is there you didn't/couldn't do it and left it at that. When I get the idea in I'm head I am like a crazy woman and it won't leave my head. At the moment I have no choice as I have no funds available whatsoever but in a week or so I will have and am petrified already ☹ keep strong. You are doing great x

I'm a little the same star , I have trawled the internet and played the most crappy sites just because I seem to have this incredible urge to do it

iv banned myself from the really top ones , but now I have

discovered there are foreign ones , American casino's o*g

today I recirved a bill from my solicitor and automatically wanted to block this out of my mind. I went straight to the laptop almost without knowing I was doing it .

Its really quite scary .

I have been snappy , moody

and not very nice .

I didn't gamble because I couldn't ... Im replacing one problem with another it's really not good .

why does life have to be so S****y this cannot be as good as gets ...

I used to be such an interesting person , I can draw and paint anything , My love of Art and print in particular used to excite me , iv done exhibitions and sold quite a lot of my work , I have lost all interest it's like I'm some one else ..

[quote=Cynical wife]

Hi,

You might look at this the other way round? You took real positive steps to deal with the problem, you put proper barriers in place and they worked when you were tempted. Isn't that what's supposed to happen? You didn't gamble, that's all that matters.

BW

CW

I know what your saying , I'm just glad I didn't do it .

I have in the past spent ages trying to find a new site that I could join .

Thought better of it and stopped myself

A small victory

Hi Lesley great to see you in the chat room x

lesley6loc wrote:

I'm a little the same star , I have trawled the internet and played the most crappy sites just because I seem to have this incredible urge to do it

iv banned myself from the really top ones , but now I have

discovered there are foreign ones , American casino's o*g

today I recirved a bill from my solicitor and automatically wanted to block this out of my mind. I went straight to the laptop almost without knowing I was doing it .

Its really quite scary .

I have been snappy , moody

and not very nice .

I didn't gamble because I couldn't ... Im replacing one problem with another it's really not good .

why does life have to be so S****y this cannot be as good as gets ...

I used to be such an interesting person , I can draw and paint anything , My love of Art and print in particular used to excite me , iv done exhibitions and sold quite a lot of my work , I have lost all interest it's like I'm some one else ..

oh Lesley ☹ would you like to email? I can't seem to find the posts I comment on lol

Day 9

Well I have made it past a week and am really totally peed off . I think maybe the mess I have got myself into is worse than I thought. Iv spent all day on the phone dealing with the dreaded red letters ... Wanted so much to shake my head and play the wheel of fortune today it's been hard . Nothing but bills , housework and my boaring life ... Just a little break from this mundane friday of tiresome normality , a bit of excitement can't hurt , but I know it can so now back to the chores ...

I have not gambled today

All being well I will not gamble tomorrow

Hi Lesley, I hope you got through the weekend okay. The frustration you're feeling is so clear in your posts but the more days you can string together, the more determined you'll become not to undo the good work. Wishing you strength.