Just me

Dear HertsC,

Thank you for your forum post and sharing your progress with us; it's clear that taking these first steps have not been easy.

I very much get a sense of you 'taking responsibility' for your actions from your post, however I also hear you sounding quite low and am wondering if there is any further support that we can offer you, to assist in any way. It sounds like there has been a lot of changes made in your life, and not least you are adjusting to this.

If you have not already done so, you would be very welcome to contact us on the helpline 0808 8020 133 or on our netline, both of which are available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, just to have a chat and talk things over and we can also look at options for supporting you. Please don't feel that you need to be alone with this.  

Wishing you all the very best,

Forum Admin

Hi Herts,

It’s good to see you starting your own recovery diary. I see you contributing so much to others, particularly new people at the start of their journeys. Take good care and I look forward to following your journey. You are doing so well in what seems to be really difficult circumstances. Take care x

Almost 8am and what, a few weeks ago, would have been the middle of stories in bed / breakfast hour is now me sitting alone with my laptop.

Was reading the news today and the football industry - little things the industry does to get people involved, like streaming live games if someone signs up.  All the little bricks that build up to get people hooked.

I've not been online much these last few days.   I had a great telephone call with Gamcare therapist this morning - got some stuff to work on for our next call.

I was on a bus at the weekend and chap sat in front had his phone out and I could see he was checking bets online,  furtively hiding it when he saw me look.  I wondered if this was a problem gambler, or just one of the 'can responsibly bet now and again' that the industry likes to promote.  

Back after a little hiatus.  Still doing well with the anti-gambling stance - over 150 days now, give or take a weekend.   Not interested in gambling, even if I didnt have the comfort blanket of GamBlock I dont think I'd be tempted.  Not saying I'm cured, just a feeling that the pain caused has given me the shot in the arm that starts my recovery..

Well, Covid19 has me quarantined abroad.  I've been here since coming a couple of weeks ago, thankfully the self-isolation mandatory 14 days comes to an end in a couple of days so I'll be able to get out for walks.

What a change 3 or so months make.  This time back in December I was still stressing about money and the daily struggle to keep a lid on things and some semblance of normality.   Debts came to the surface and not long after Covid.

I've been able to chat to the children more, on Skype from here and also face-to-face when in the UK.   They are doing well without me - perhaps too well, do they ask after me I wonder, do they wish I was there to tuck them into bed and to be the first face they see in the mornings?

I hope everyone is staying well.  I'm going to try and get onto the chat tonight as it's been a while.

Dont think I have COVID but definitely got a cold or some sort, a little shivery and have a sore throat.  I bought an electronic thermometer which is showing my temperature as somewhere between 35.6 - 36.6'c consistently, which seems a little low as I always remember using kids ones when checking them at home and my range was usually somewhere in the low 37's.  

Had a conversation this morning with my sister re addiction - wonder why I never got addicted to alcohol in all the years I've been drinking, or to weed on the off occasion that I did that in the past?   I love chocolate, give me 3 Bounty bars in the sweet jar, or a pack of Chocolate HobNobs and I could easily clear them in one sitting - but if chocolate not around I wouldnt wake up craving to go out to buy some.   Maybe it was something about the secrecy of gambling that made it easier for me.

Having spoken to my Gamcare counsellor I'm going to concentrate on writing down positives about my thoughts and how I see myself, rather than including those things I dislike about myself and my past behaviour.   I still feel enormous guilt and shame, and sadness about all that happened and feel its still relevant to keep those in mind but will take her advice in the meantime.

The phone sessions will come to an end soon and even if I was in the UK I'd not not be able to get to GA meetings.  I think I'm doing well in knowing that I can never gamble again, and working within the blocks I've put in place.