Hi Everyone
Thanks for taking time to read this. Its a strange place where feel like an insignificant 1 of 1000s here but then again it actually feels like this place "could" be the place where everything turns round.
Cut a very long story short, I am a really bad gambling addict, gambled over 20 years been well aware ive had a problem for at least 10 years as have most of the people around me. Counselling (x4 diff counsellors at the only free place in Liverpool), gordon moody residential (fantastic people there), mum, several good friends, partner (old & new) are just some of the fantastic carimg people who have tried to help me. I genuinely believe I have tried to kick it, sometimes more than others, but whatever I have done hasnt been enough. I do still believe I can and will do more and will manage to live a gambling free live (accept I will never be free of tempatation and free of my own weakness) but in last few years its almost been a daily occurence, certainly when able to lay hands on money.
Last bet was yesterday. Had an hour reading through diaries here before creating this. The one piece of advice which I feel readyy to latch onto most is the "just one day at a time" motto. If i can come here every night and tick off the one day I know in time I will become proud of myself and start to feel the upturn i experience at Gordon Moody again. Was about 5 months clean after going there and life was really looking up. seems a long time ago now but please God I will get to that point again. One day at a time....
My main worries? Firstly the isolation. As i say everyone round me knows all about the problem but to be frank they all totally worn down by it, all been fed promise after promise, lie after lie. I am kind of at a stage now where am left to it. There is still some help available from them dont get me wrong in terms of managing my money etc that I do employ and need to emply further but frankly I dont feel able to talk to them any more. I crave someone 'new' that I can be honest with on day 1 and hopefully maintain that honesty every day from then. Getting things out there is important I know that but as I day theres noone i honestly feel i can ring up each night and just talk at now. There was, but I ruined them all. Hoping this place may become some sort of substitue for that
Second, the debt. Again I know from experience that with gambling head on and having barely broke free from it everything seems overwhelming and in time it can and will seem easier but as of now not dealing with any of it at all, unopened letters are mounting by day as are calls/texts etc from debt companies. I know there is Stepchange etc (have been with them twice and eventually beeen let go from scheme twice by them for continually failing it) but prob is majority of my debt is now Business Debt (which was incorporated during 2 years working as my own company in order to do contracting work....Stepchange and the like do not seem able to help me with this business debt, all people do is refer me to Business Debtline but they arent overly helpful with the particulars of my case either. The combination of business debt through gambling seems to throw CAB/Stepchange/everyone off being able to help me. I owe HMRC (or my comp does) prob about 40k now (growing every day in fines etc) and feel am totally incapable of dealing with it. Totally clueless on paperwork etc it was all done to facilitate my gambling and how I managed it I will never know but there you go
I will leave it there for now. I intend to be here a lot more so plenty of time to discuss my particular history. Thanks for reading and good luck to all in your ongoing battles
Yo, welcome I too did a residential 30 day stint at Goden about 10 years ago and managed to stay clean for 5 years. Yep good people who know 2hat they are talking about. Shame I relapsed but that’s the nature of the beast I suppose . Anyways Welcome as I said, taking it one day at time seems to best me thinks , sorry I can not help you re your financial question and hope their is someone on this site that can . Stay strong , stay clean. Shiny:-)
Thanks mate much appreciated
So 1.5 days gambling free now, just checking in with myself really. Feels like an effort to come on and note it but then I guess thats the point, not gambling and actually trying to recover is actual hard work, certainly in the short term, and gambling is the easy 'go-to' option. Well choosing that easy option all my life has got me to this mess so got to tough it out show some balls and keep choosing the hard option for now. Back tomorrow, finegrs crossed......
Hey mate
You can do this. A wise man told me on here 'clean up a bit of the mess every day' - it's too overwhelming to consider it in its entirety - doing that may lead you back to gambling.
You can sort a few things out each day... And more as your strength and resolve returns over time. You're right, writing on here is and effort and also painful at times... But people here look after each other so it is well worth it and a world away from the pain of gambling.
Being on here is a first step to finally taking care of yourself. Others will help you when you need support and are struggling. Life can and will be what you want it to be if you stay on this path. You are now at a point where gambling simply leads you round in circles and recovery is your chance to jump off the carousel and head in the right direction.
It takes time. Results won't come instantly. You have to wait it out. That's one of the hardest parts of recovery. But you will see the changes unfold before your eyes if you stay strong. Go look at some success stories on here... That helped me loads in the earlier days.
Best of luck.
Thanks Signalman - wise words. I am filling my spare time checking in on other peoples stories and is very inspirational - is amazing how much empathy you can feel with so many on here, recognize so many thought processes both good and bad. Again you have struck a chord saying gambling is just going round and round in circles, I have jumped off the carousel for a few days now, it doesnt feel like i am going in the right direction really but people like yourself make me remember I am, i just dont necessarily feel it now. Good luck to you too
4whole days done. The dreaded weekend ahead although it isn't really anything to dread is it. In future weekends shall be the best gambling free days share with family and friends. Just get past a few squiffy moody ones first
Yo, keep that thought . Sad to think you’d dread weekends , so turn like you said on its head . You may get urges but stay determined , my advice for this weekend is try to avoid anything that you would of normally done that was followed by a gamble . Next weekend I believe you will feel stronger and as you get a few more under your belt the stronger you will feel . Keep the faith my friend , looking forward to hearing from you Monday still gf .
Stay strong ,........Shiny:-)
Hi Shiny thanks again for your kind words. Delighted to report on this Monday morning that the weekend was indeed gf. At the min I feel like my thoughts are just a bit of a rambling mess as I still move away from the gambling bubble but going to log them as best I can here to hopefully look back on one day with pride at how far Ive come on
As i day it was gf. Part of me still feels like am only playing at non gambling rather than making a firm commitment to it but then again part of me is secretly quite chuffed that ive managed to have a gf week and done a lot of productive things in it which is mainly spending productive quality time with my partner and kids. For some of it, especially Friday, I must admit I was quite grumpy, dont know how much of that i can attribute to dealing with gambling thoughts etc but sat and sun were definitely improvements and I found myself quite relaxed at times which is a novel experience for me.
Can see clearly the stress anxiety I cause myself when gambling. At the min am focussing on the time I waste rather than the money spent. Having self -excluded from all local bookies and all online towards end when i was betting I was having to travel miles to get bets on which was obviously such a waste of time and energy. Not doing so in the last week has freed up a lot of time for me, to doo things like enjoy time with the kids and also importantly make time to look at stories on here
Im my head going forward now my "crutch" will be making the time to come on these forums at least 4/5 times a week, even if only for 10 mins per day (hopefully longer) it will help. I know deep down I need to put other mechanisms and supports in place (or at least I think I do). As an example my monthly payday is this Weds, id be lying if i hadnt had thoughts of I can top those wages up with a few hundred quid through a series of "controlled bets" (which the sensible me knows is absolute baloney obviously) so if i was to go quiet stiop reading and posting id probably be enabling myself to slip there. As it is the sensible me which am trying to get to point where i am that at least 95% of time (prob 60% at min?) is still determined to do everything properly, no1 obviously being not to gamble but ithers being make sure things put in place to restrict my access to wages, make sure debts are paid etc. Not least because next week am meant to be on a little trip away with my partner for a few nights, so there is certainly a nice incentive there. Obviously getting to a gambling free place isnt about doing it for incentives etc and I certainly do want to get to a totally gf place, I have no false thoughts that I am capable of controleld gambling etc (at least the sensible me doesnt) and i clearly know that my chance of real sustained happiness all lies in total abstension. If you ask me right now do i truly believe am strong enough to do that then no i dont. But hey if you asked me last week if i could go an entire week without gambling id have said no. So back to the mantra, just make sure today is gf....
8 whole days done. Reading other threads where peoples gf days mount up is really inspirational, I know it can be done, thanks all
Yo, ohhhhhhh so right it can be done , and you can do it. Wont be easy ( what worth having in life never is ) but proof as you said is right here. All about belief in yourself and sticking fingers up when nessessary to that devil on your shoulder when he appears to wear you down. Believe my friend , believe ..... Shiny 🙂
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
