Killing the Zombie

Thanks cardhue for the post really appreciated. Pleased ur settled in and doin well

Loads of options to manage debt speak with debtline they will guide u in what's best for u

Keep staying strong the light will come

Castle2

Thank you for the kind posts.

Day 15. Not much to say other than few thoughts. Past the 2 week phase without any real urges to play. Closest I've come is looking at a few people play FMs, but without really thinking of playing myself. Would be good to stop having any attraction to them.

I remember thinking that if I ever admitted what I was doing to anyone then I was sure I would stop - as being able to reflect on what I was doing, by talking to someone else, would make me see sense, or at least shame. I hope that I have found that 'someone' to talk to in the form of this online community. Certainly seems to be helping massively.

I still feel guilty and in 2 minds about telling my partner. I think it would really be a biggie to keep under wraps for ever, and if I'm gona tell her at some point might as well do it sooner.

From reading other posts I realise I'm lucky in that I'm in a generally good position now (aside from the gambling and associated debt) -in particular happy in rel and work. Think with me its gona be less a thing about getting urges but a risk of intentional self-destruction when things aren't generally going so well. Need to get a good bit in the bank whilst the goings good so any fall back would be from a greater height (or summit like that)

Hi, glad to read you're doing well. I can identify with a lot of what you've written particularly the being too smart to be in this position. I know how stupid gambling is, I know that you're never on a roll, I know I was lucky to get a win and that I should take my money and run and that another win is not guaranteed, I know that trying to win back losses is stupid - I know all that but I still ended up in this mess. I'm hoping reading these diaries and writing my own will help me start to clear up my mess.

Good luck for the future cardhue!

Day 16 nearing completion and still haven't had any significant urges. I'm half way through my pay month and can see the potential for keeping a bit aside towards the debt. This is has been achieved though through pretty strict Thatcher-esque budgeting and the thought of this thrift being undone by gambling puts further blocks in place.

Still have a dilemma over telling partner. Going on a skiing hol with my family and a friend next week and feel quite inclined to chat to my friend about stuff and build on my new-found sense of openness. My friend's unassuming and non-judgemental, perfect for this and being able to spend a good bit of time together is also the perfect environment. That though brings up this minor dilemma. I've been edging towards telling my partner though had been thinking of doing so in the near future when I'd got a bit more 'distance'. However, if I do tell her I'll obviously have to be totally honest otherwise there's no point- so would have to mention having recently told my friend first. Think this could add to the 'list of hurt'. Don't live with my partner but seeing her tomorrow night perhaps for last time before I go away. Seriously considering saying something. Should I? Can't believe how far I've come to even be contemplating such a thing.

Imagine she'd take it well but who knows. She's had a recent episode of worrying which seemed to come out of the blue and she told me she has a tendency to worry about things (as I re-read I realise this a classic blokey thing to a) describe this as an 'episode' and b) see it as 'out of the blue'. ha ha). Hmm will ponder this one some more....

ps. feel like this diary's turned bit Adrian Moley..

Well done on making it so far. I have recently told a friend about this issue and the sincere care and support I received was amazing. I didn't expect it. It is a difficult thing to be open about it is not like other addictions which are obvious we gamblers can be quit good at hiding this.

Maybe a private chat on a long ski lift would be an ideal time.

Keep up the good work after a few weeks you will really start to see the benefit.

Keep it up

Luke

Finally plucked up the courage to tell my GF last night. She'd come round, just chilling in my room and was still in two minds whether or not to say, right up until I did.

Revealed all- well, subsequently realised I forgot to mention a £1200 loan but hey ho not intentional. My immediate feelings were extreme shame, in spite of her seemingly being very cool. She said it was 'out of kilter' with how she sees me but in another way not surprising - this being a reference to my occasional relapses into 'binge smoking'. Her main concern was that I'd kept this thing a secret for 15 years and how difficult that must have been. Which is sweet.

So we chatted and then things just kind of carried on as normal. So

a) I'm ultimately really glad I spilled the beans, b) It's about bloody time, and c) thanks to the posters on here for creating an environment where I could share and learn, which has ultimately led me to opening up to someone (an actual physical person, face to face) for the first time ever, in 15 years.

I feel like last night had to happen as I couldn't stand the secracy. However, the 'light bulb' moment for me remains self excluding and coming on here.

BTW - I do understand why people choose not to tell their OHs and I fully respect that decision and can see that sometimes it might be necessary. However, if you think he/she is generally an understanding person and if its fear/shame holding you back then I'd encourage anyone to take that leap.

Probs wont update this for 10 days or so as off on hols soon. Cheers

Just a quick check in.

Back from an excellent holiday. There wasn't any temptation to gamble but nonetheless, didn't think about gambling at all. Didn't mention anything to my friend as having told GF felt that was enough. Think that means 30 days free so happy with how things are progressing.

Hi cardhue.

Have been reading through your diary and realised that both me and you are at day 30 gamble free!!

Well done in your continued commitment and I am so happy for you that disclosing to your girlfriend went well. Being a very proud person myself, it took me a ong time to disclose to both one of my brother's and my sister but I am so glad I did in the end. I don't really want to tell anyone else so leaving it at that for now.

Take care and looking forward to us both celebrating day 50 together.

Take care.

Feb.

Haven't updated much as nothing interesting to offer as I've been so busy revising...yawn

Anyway, some key dates have come and gone and goals have been achieved, which deserve a mention.

I stopped gambling on the 18th Jan so the one month goal has been ticked off. Haven't had any compulsion at all - a couple of slightly weirdo moments of staring transfixed at other people playing fruit machines: Excellent start

Today I went pay day to pay day without gambling. I think I had a month off last March, the only month off in years, but if I can make it to next pay day then it could be the first 'double' (back- to- back pay days) ever, in 15 years! V good

I'd been sporadically recording my total debt for a few years prior to stopping gambling. It's generally been fluctuating around £6k and although this sounds 'stable' its actually rubbish as I've had various 'injections' of cash including a redundancy payment of 2.5k within this time. I'd also been recording my losses per month gambling for the preceding 5 months ( I'd been losing on average £500 P/m). Well this month I obviously went from hemorrhaging £500 per month to £0. I also managed to knock off £500 from my debt total. Now, I'm not on a huge wage but I didn't find I had to make any great life-style sacrifices to make this saving due to combining my natural frugal self (honed by years of gambling) with simply not gambling. *** ace!

Still feel impatient at wanting to get rid of this debt quicker - but have to just chip away.

Once my exam is out of the way this weekend then I intend to embrace London more and generally do more stuff. Really want to use this momentum I'm on to make changes in other areas beyond gambling.

Finally, I'm sure I'm not the only one who finds that the whole thing about day counting to be a bit odd. Your keen to reach mile stones ASAP, yet at the same time you don't really just want to be wishing to be older! Definite tension going on there. Anyway, feels like way more than a month since I stopped so at least I'm getting value!

Hi cardhue

Not only did we both decide enough was enough on 18th Jan but also, our pay days are within one day of each other!! I am happy to say that my pay salary (the first in a long time) has been taken up by all my bills and a little for me each week until next pay day. I have never felt so relaxed in such a long time after just being paid!!

I don't know if you have read my diary recently but I just posted today that I think I am going to record in weeks rather than days for the time being. One, I have to keep asking myself what day I am on and two, I feel strong enough to take it week by week. I will still post every day probably but will just record what week I am on rather than what day. For us both, it will be 5 weeks this Saturday. I think that sounds much better that 35 days don't you?

Any way take care and keep in touch.

Bye for now

Feb.

Hue,

Thanks for the post on my diary and well done on starting and maintaining yours. I particularly like the fact you have gone beyond a payday gamble free. This is key I think. Many can stop when they don't have the funds but to go beyond a payday is great progress.

I am interested to know how you are going without the cigs as well as not gambling. I agree with you that both come hand in hand for me. I smoke more after heavy losses and during times of despair. Also, I want to repay debts and by not smoking I can easily pay off good chunks of my overdraft and still have plenty spare. When I went ten months gamble free it amazed me from the start how little I spend when not gambling. I had stopped smoking sporadically during that time but always giving in when having a drink. Even so, during those months money was never a problem. I look forward to getting back to that.

Keep up the good work and all the benefits of a peaceful and happy life will be yours.

Tomso.

Hi Cardhue

Thanks for your very kind words earlier. Much appreciated. Just wanted to wish you the very best of luck for your exam tomorrow. Which exam are you taking? You make sure you have a wine or 3 to relax and wind down afterwards.

Take care and speak soon.

Feb.

Thanks Thomso & Feb

Feb - I'm doing a law conversion part-time whilst doing my full time job. There a lot to learn and most of it's really tedious stuff which I'll never need to use. That said it needs to be done in order to progress in what I do.

Thomso - re smoking, certainly been there with the gambling and chain smoking. And yes, saving money is great though I used to smoke roll ups so the cost wasn't as great. Smoking real f**s though, sheesh what is it now for a packet - £7? Madness how much you pay to harm yourself.

Often wonder which is the worse addiction - gambling or smoking? Has to be gambling, by a nose (ha ha), as you're just going to fundamentally struggle to achieve what you want when gambling - which you can whilst smoking, just means you'll die younger.

I'm going to follow Feb's lead and count in weeks as I also can't be bothered working out the days. So 5 weeks it is. Nothing mcuh to report - watched the Scotland match and still don't know how we won. Gutsy performance though and hopefully start of a new era.

Cardhue,

Thanks for the post on my diary and the feedback reference giving up smoking as well as gambling. Both go hand in hand for me and I won't be satisfied until I have rid both evils from my life. Also, when I think about how much I spend on both I can't help thinking that I will be well off this time next year.

Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

It's gone midnight....that means 5 weeks free. I'm following 'Feb's' lead and counting the weeks cos its easier. Though I'm actually feeling I'm missing out on the key day counts so might swap back. The 50s and 100s are surely key moments which should be appreciated!

Anyway, no urges gamble wise at all. Have just come back from pub and whilst there, I had a thought which I wanted to get down. Again re the smoking analogy. So its been 5 weeks since I've stopped gambling, and this is the first time I've really properly stopped. OK so 'properly stopping' might not mean permanent but for me means realising I've a problem and fessing up, something I'd neve done before. Now, bear in mind I've been gambling solid for 16 years and estimate £100-120k loss, so am by no means trying to make out I'm not a terrible CG. But, since 'properly giving up' I've never really related to reading people's diaries who talk about really strong physical urges to start again. Don't mean to look down or anything - I just haven't had any urges. Tonight, however, I was with a group of fiends/friends of friends who were all smoking (and smoking rollies, my preferred choice of f*g). I've previously stopped smoking before and know that one P**f will at some point lead me to hitting a binge of smoking. Got really close to reaching for a roll up in spite of knowing what it would lead to. Resisted thank ferk. What I appreciated was the whole thing of 'riding out' an urge was never truer. Back home now, 30 mins later, seems ridiculous that I might've restarted smoking and gone through the lengthy mind battle of stopping.

Anyway, in terms of nihilistic urges, that's been the biggest recently by absolutely miles. Guess difference is you can have a smoking binge for a short bit and get over it. Do the same with gambling and you're looking at a ferked year your trying to scramble together. Still both are very stupid and hate them both