Life begins again

Hi Suzanne, many thanks for posting in my diary and thought it was time i reciprocated rather than just reading others journeys, just to let people know I am here too!

Well done on reaching Goal 1 of pay day to pay day Gamble Free, and then dealing with the hard day that a pay day is! There is always the opportunity on that day and many habits to break - so very well done. Enjoy the week off doing nice things or just doing nothing and re-charge your body clock! Read that book, watch that movie and indulge in some 'me time' but always remember the OH needs your time too! And to see you busy and putting the negative gambling energy into positive Not gambling energy.

Do you talk to your OH on how you feel each day and does he understand the struggles and inner demons? I mention it to my OH only in passing, by saying I'm going on line to post and read others. That I haven't gambled today and that's it. Not sure if its enough but it is 1000% times more than we discussed gambling when I was!

Stay in control, we are all here for you as you are for us. Well enough wibble from me - enjoy the weather whilst you can and look forward to that milestone next week when you reach the big 50! Cliff

Hi Suzanne,

Thank you for your kind support and I am happy to read you feel strong and determined as always. Simple but most important things are for free. Always been, we just used to ignore them and look for harder way forward.

I know you will have a lovely week off no matter where you are and what you do. You have it all by your side and should be ever so proud of yourself.

Nice and steady, keep reaping the benefits abstinence gifts you. You are more than worth it - enjoy

Take care and have a peaceful evening.

Day at a time

S x

Only 2 days to go - keep going and strong.

Suzanne

thanks for the very kind words upon my thread,I am humbled by your words.

Somebody once said to me that to truly recover from addiction you had to give recovery away too.

You my friend have embraced recovery warts and all,keep doing that the rewards will far outweigh what gambling has to offer.

The support you gift others is testament to the belief you have found.

For that very proud

Those milestones will keep coming

For them a huge well done

most of all enjoy the gift you have bestowed upon yourself

Duncs stepping forward never back

Good morning Diary

Day 79 has arrived and I am on my hols from work for a whole week

Will be wearing my IPAD out on this forum lol

I want to thank everyone who has posted to me for their continuing support it is very much appreciated and I am learning more each day about my addiction

We are all on here for one reason to abstain from this awful addiction we are all fighting it using different methods and that is because we are all unique

In this addiction and yet we are all on this one rollercoaster ride

I have to ride this rollercoAster for life I know that now

There is no quick fix to ending gambling I feel that you really have to feel it inside your heart and gut to want to stop we will know when that happens we are all unique so it can be for different reasons for each of us but mine is very clear the addiction had wiped me out totally physically mentally and financially but believe me before it did I gave it all I had and more I never thought it would beat me but it did

I am not crying over spilt milk that stopped when I self destructed I had to self destruct before I could move on

I have moved on in the sense I do not ever want to gamble again I never want to see that laptop again which was my biggest partner in crime it's locked away in OHs locker I have not set eyes on it since the 9th April and I honestly never want to see it again that laptop is done and dusted

If OH bought it home now I would probably be physically sick looking at it knowing what I did on it

My IPAD is clean of evil gambling and I have no urge or thoughts whatsoever to gamble on it

That is one of my big defences to help me abstain and it is working at the moment

Last memories of me on the laptop was telling my other half am only playing bonus points (what a joke) I was engaged in fighting the biggest fight of my life to keep my sanity by depositing money I had now borrowed from PD loans.

I will not get back on that merrygoround

I am treAding on a very thin line I know that and I will

Carry on one day at a time using all the defences I have

I do not want to play today because I have chosen not

Have a good peaceful gambling free day all

Suzanne xx

Dear diary

Thoughts for me to remember even when laptop was taken off me I continued on the road to self destruct because I continued playing in total secret now on OHs computer in total desperate secrecy until the

28th April which was my last binge into oblivion how sad and desperate was that

Surprise surprise that OH has now locked me out of the

Computer

Suzanne x

Dear diary

More thoughts to remember

8 years ago I started playing bingo online a colleague at work was talking about having played and won and what fun it was

So I thought what could I lose (only needed A fiver then to deposit) and I can honestly say to myself for one year I enjoyed playing once or twice a week with little wins and very small losses Infact I kept even that first year because I did not spend a lot on the site I might even have won overall was all good and fun

Into the second year things started to change with my now habit of playing innocent bingo I remember putting 15pence on a slot and I could not believe it I had won 600 quid I felt I had won the lottery and so it began putting bigger stakes on winning higher amounts and so on

I realise now that as soon as I started chasing the habit had changed to addiction so I guess I had been in denial for seven years

The beginning of the end of my self destruction was PD loans and this is after I had two bank Accounts totally maxed out on overdrafts and two loans from banks and 3 credit cards maxed out

I had already got payment plans with all of these before I started on the total destruction with PD loans 2 years ago but I still did not want to believe I had a serious problem

Well I do now I am a CG and the friend that played innocent bingo and told me about it 8 years ago is still playing for fun I talk to her at work and she has no idea what I have become

I for 7 years have been a CG and only accepted it when I played my last bet

Having accepted the ///// of it all and the damage to my OH and my sons and grand kids

I can but only move forward and keep abstaining There is no other way to go now and that has to be positive doesn't it

Feeling optimistic and determined one day at a time

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

I can relate to every word of your last couple of posts. My partner and I racked up over 33000.00 in cash advance on credit cards that we have been paying down with the help of debt consolidation since the summer of 2010. We too got hooked and remained in denial for almost 10 years before finally stopping. The last couple of years has been up and down but, we are learning and improving every day. I think you are doing fantastic!! -joanxxx

Thanks Joan

We must have posted to each other at the same time

That's got to be a good sign for both of us

Love the word NO

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne,

I suppose it is good to look behind and aknowledge our shortcomings. Yep, past mistakes always hurts but hey girl look at you now!! What a transformation, and believe me girl it will only get better. Day by day you will get a piece of yourself back, self esteem, confidence, your old personality. I suppose you miss all of these qualities you have, well let me tell ya, you are on a right track and can only get stronger.

Enjoy your life, live for now and today, embrace the unknown and look ahead. Life is for living my friend. No turning back, off you go soldier on in this road of recovery.

I'm right beside you all the way. Let's do it soldier! ! No turning back. Have a nice week off, and of course stay safe and be proud. You have achieved so much and it's only the start. Bring it on 🙂

Day at a time

S x

Good morning diary

Thanks Sandra for your kind words

Day 49 and have not spent even one penny on gambling

Spent some quality time with OH yesterday and not one argument about gambling

We did have a conversation about my addiction and that was very positive for both of us

Having little man later today and he is staying overnight cos we are off to Sunny Scarborough for the day tomorrow (weather permitting) am looking forward to that.

Feeling quite relaxed today no stress for a change but then I am on holiday from work and that feels good

No thoughts at all to gamble Infact it seems quite distant to me today

Taking one day at a time

Don't want to play today cos I want to enjoy my day

Have a happy positive gambling free day all

Suzanne xx

Morning Suzanne

Great post. As a former OH of a gambler I can with hand on heart say to you that the best thing you can do is keep talking with the OH

KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN AND HONEST AT ALL TIMES..

Let the OH know that you are approachable to talk to and that you will share all of your feelings even if they are of temptation.

Let the OH know that you are open to questions however tough they may be to answer.

The worse thing for being a partner of a CG is silence. Not knowing what's going on in that silence. What's going thro their minds. Are they planning their next bet. Are they coming up with new ways to deceive. It's truly exhausting. Often these thoughts can be more consuming for the OH than it is for the gambler themselves.

While a CG gambler can put blocks in place to help prevent that next bet the OH can do nothing. It leaves us helpless and at the mercy of a CG. It's not possible for the likes of me and many others to put any blocks in place to protect ourselves.....of course there is one and that's to leave the relationship. I don't wish that on you but for me to leave mine was my only option. K9 and the likes couldn't protect me from his damage. I wished many times it could.

Self preservation on both sides is the key.

Have a great day with the little one hope it warms up a bit it's chilly in south yorks 🙁

Shelly x

Hi Suzanne thanks for dropping in on my diary. Keep climbing that mountain . Your doing good too. Hope the sun is shining with you take care hitthefanx

Suzanne

No problem for posting to Shelly on my thread

Continued best wishes with your recovery

Castle2

Good evening diary

Day 50

Posted early this morning but I guess there was tech problems

This morning I was feeling very positive looking forward to Scarborough with OH little man and doggie

And yes I did have a nice day they all enjoyed it and that's what counts

I had to watch every penny I spent today and I spent less today than what I fed the slots on in 5 mins

Another very sobering experience and a big wake up call to maintain abstaining so I do have more than pennies to spend when my gambling debts have been paid off

It's as simple as that abstain pay debts off start again

I wished it was that simple I am a CG nothing is simple

But I will one day at a time abstain because it is the only way for me to go

I did not play today I wanted a simple day

Wishing you all a safe gambling free evening

Suzanne xx