Life begins again

Morning Suzanne

Welcome to the world of walking zombies as I'm not sleeping well either. Horrid how when we need to sleep the brain decides it's playtime isn't it

Well done you tho the tally charts is growing day by day.

There are a million and one reasons not to gamble today. You mentioned a couple. But there will only ever be one excuse to ruin all your hard work and that's cos you want to be selfish.

Selfishness comes to the least selfish person when the drug that is gambling wants to take you over. Fight it all the way. See it as a dealer who only wants to take your money and trash your life. It's not a friend it's your enemy. You are better than your next bet.

Enjoy the sun and the birds.

Shelly

Well done Suzanne, it is day 47 for me today so we are in this together in every sense of the word, keep going and keep strong.

This time next week you will be passed 50 days gamble free - sounds good doesn't it.

Shaun

morning suzanne, hope your well your doing fantastic.

Can i ask do you have anyone to talk to about what you are going through(except for people on here?) friends, family, professional?

I'm only asking as i go to counselling once a week arranged by gam care and i tell you what its bloody fantastic, she said to me yday and it rang very true, giving up is only part of the battle of addiction its finding what the route of the issue that drove you there is and that at the point of compulsive gambling we are not ourselves as much as we dont want to admit it to ourselves this is a mental health issue, just as bereavement is. It maybe worth contacting them? you are carrying so much around on your shoulders and this is such a heavy addiction in every sense physical & emotional having that hour for you to offload to someone who is there to support you i have found is a huge relief.

Take care

Jess x

Evening diary

So glad work is over for the day cos I have felt sooo tired today but because I am responsible for staff and customers I go on an automatic professional mode giving advice and sympathy where it is needed so it comes natural on how to deal with each problem query whatever with staff and customers ( shame I did not to it to myself)

I sort their problems and issues with no problem keeping my own dark secret to myself no one knows at work and I don't feel the need or release to tell anyone apart from my OH it's no one else's problem and I don't blame anyone for my addiction which is how fun bingo ended

I have just read Jess's diary about her dreams on gambling I have read on other diaries about dreams of gambling and waking up quite stressed and have been expecting it but as yet I have not had a definite dream of that

I find this strange because when I was in oblivion with gambling I regularly had dreams mainly after I had a big win and I dreamt I had put it all back on and lost it

I would wAke up obviouslŷ stressed and then realised it was only a dream but I still had to check my laptop to see that my money was still there Jess you have bought that memory to the front and I am glAd cos I need to remember on this diary otherwise no point in a diary

But even stranger after having these dreams I did towards the last year do in real life What I had dreamt about after dreAming about it early on in my gambling and As Shelly said to me this morning about zombie life

Believe me that was my zombie life when I wAs gambling I could not sleep much at all I would get up in the middle of the night hoping to win more money at the beginning but the last year of that totally un normal life I would get up in the middle of the night chasing my losses and feeling absolute ///// and desperate nightmares were real then what was all that about

It was in the end about being totally beaten by gambling it took everything away from me inside and out

I only stopped because I had no more funds to feed that bloody stupid slot that gave me so much at the beginning and then slowly over the years to take everything that was me away and that reminds me of Shelly posting to me how gambling is selfish

When we realise what gambling is doing to our family the pain we know they are going through and when we lie to them after knowing we have a mega problem and yet we still seek the need to gamble then we are undoubtably selfish

Thank you Shelly for reminding me of that I need that in my diary too so I can remember

I use this diary for storing my journey so I remember

This diary and the wonderful people on this site who are giving me so much support are keeping me strong and determined to abstain

I salute you all on this forum As we ride the unpredictable roller coAster to peace and happiness

I have not played tonight because I don't want to be selfish anymore

Have a peaceful gambling free evening all

One day at a time

Suzanne xx

Good morning diary

45 days without spending even one penny on gambling

It looks another lovely day to come don't start work til. Mid day so I will have an hour in the garden enjoying the sun

Feeling ok this morning still tired but slept better last night and it does feel good to wake up with no regrets and the panic from gambling

that I don't miss whatsoever and so with that feeling

I have a clear head no thoughts to gamble at all because in my heart I can with ease say I choose not to gamble today I choose to have peace of mind today with myself and that hAs to be positive doesn't it

I will win today cos I have no thoughts to play today

One day at a time

Have a good peaceful gambling free day all

Suzanne x

Hi Suzanne and thank you for your support on my diary it means alot...

Your dedication and stories inspire me and I cannot wait to get to day 45 and feel the sense of pride in this achievement without spending a penny...

Keep living the dream and each day you are living...

Dream alive

🙂

well done on 45 days Suzanne. Its not easy but does get easier believe me.

For me gambling seems another life ago but we all know we have to keep our guard up just in case.

Stay strong and enjoy your new and much better life.

Steve

Well done the lovely Suzanne, nearly on 50 days, gosh that sounds good - SUZANNE HAS DONE 50 DAYS GAMBLE FREE!!!!!!!

Shaun

Suzanne,

It is great to read your diary and I'm over the moon for you. Such an inspiration and you remind me of myself a little lol..fighting and redirecting your anger onto good things.

You keep fighting soldier, doing brill and should be so proud of yourself. Little steps ahead, you are on the right road..keep it up 🙂

S x

Afternoon diary

Well I got through my first goal which was not to spend one penny on any sort of gambling from last pay day to this payday which is today and not to borrow any money or take any PD loans out and I have not done any if these things

It's day 46 today it's important at the moment to count the dAys because I am living one day at a time

I have seen my hard earned cash go out again today on PD loan payment plans (2 will be paid off next month)

Have put some money in OHs account paid direct debits and all monthly bills and what left I have withdrawn for cash except for 8 I need a tenner to deposit for minimum so 8 is good they can't get any money from me

So this month I will use cash again to live on it really helped me the last month

I was on early early shift today so I. Am now. At home on my lounger in the garden enjoying the sun (another addiction lol but it is free) writing on here and on my diary

I feel strangely satisfied today don't know why really as I hVe just seen all the money that has gone out. To pay my debts but I have taken responsibility to pay them with my own money because I know I will never ever win enough money back to even get even

I wished I had wised up along time ago but I guess I had to self destruct first in total gambling oblivion

There was a post I read last night that when they were lying in bed after another BIG LOSS the mind and brain in total calculation wS working out how to replace that loss with money lies loans and next bet to rectify it all

That was me too feeling positive and confident I would be able to hide my losses by doing this and moving that and lying here and borrowing there

I truly believedI would get that BIG WIN

I know I will never get that big win and if I did I would be still lying awake because The urge would be too strong to gamble it and lose it and more

So I am in my garden lapping up the sun having a vod and orange feeling satisfied because sometimes the best things we do cost very little

I don't want to play today cos I am enjoying being satisfied today

Always one day at a time

Suzanne xx

hi Suzanne

well done on doin what you set out to achieve with regards to paydays setting small targets I find always helps , your recovery continues to get better and better each day

castle2

Hi Suzanne again thanks for your posts to my diary. I am always looking and peeking into yours too, looking good almost at the 50. I wish you all the best and continue being happy in your life you so deserve it and enjoy that voddy today lol.

CL

What a great post Suzanne

To have reached your first milestone pay day to pay day is a great achievement

And to get some time to lay in the sun with a voddy in hand knowing that time was used wisely (vitamin d from the sun and bit c from the orange in your vodka)

Think that counts as a successful day.

I'll raise a glass to you this evening in support of the days weeks and months to come

Shelly

Good morning diary

Thanks Shelly

Day 47

Late shift today but am still up early body clock all over with different shifts everyday

On holiday After today for one full week and so is OH

We won't be going away due to my gambling No spare money in the pot

The last weeks gambling alone would have paid for a lovely much needed hol in the sun but I blew that on stupid slots

So for a few hours of oblivion gambling I forsake a week in the sun how sad is that

I am determined that we will have a good holiday next year gambling will not take another holiday away from us because gambling won't get even one penny from me today

Will not play today I know the score minus one big minus zero

Have a good positive gambling free day all

Suzanne xx

Oh my you are up early. Thanks for the nice post on my diary. I cannot wait for your 50 days, only 3 to go. The holiday next year for your will be so sweet because you would of worked so hard for it, and it will come round in no time at all. Keep doing what's right you have done brilliant and you are one of my inspirations.

Thanks Suzanne seriously thanks a lot.

CL