Life begins again

Haha biggest grin ever. I know i said no wrong answers but you came up with the right one anyway. Gold star Suzanne. While you continue to make it your main priority in life everything will be just fine.

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Hi,

Glad to hear LM drove you bananas today. It sure helps take the mind of everything.

However sometime bliss, peace (and a large vodka) is all that is required.

Thank you for your recent posts on my diary. Much appreciated.

Wishing you a fab Friday evening.

Best wishes xx

Hi Blondie,

Thanks for touching the base.
Good to hear lil man made you go bonkers lol..they do, the things they come out with is really jaw dropping at the times...i remember my Mummy telling us that when my sis was little and we went to the forest, she asked Mum what ants doing running around so quick...Mummy said, they're looking for food to take bk to their kids. ..so my sister just asked - " where are their shopping bags?" 😀

Ya see what i mean,i think kids are geniuses! ☺(if that's a word)

Anyway. Hope your Son is keeping calm and content. He will be slightly worried deep inside...maybe a little mad (12hrs no food !!! What were they thinking) but he will come through this and knows that nothing serious will happen, he inly needs to follow docs instructions.

All will be ok, and you keep looking after yourself as you do well all this time! Be proud, stay safe

S x

Hi Suzanne,

Thanks as always for your support and encouragement. I can always rely on you when the going gets tough 🙂

Feeling a bit scared after reading about the LM. I look after my niece's toddler for two days a week and it's tough going at times. I keep telling myself that it'll get easier as she gets older, but now I'm not so sure 🙂

I hope your son's ok and that the op happens soon. It's horrible waiting for something like that to be done.

I just wanted to say that I loved your answer to Dan's question. It reminded me of being on a plane when they tell your to put our own oxygen mask on first before attending to your children. It makes perfect sense....if we don't look after ourselves as a priority then we're no use to those around us that we love and care about. Time for me to take a leaf out of your book, I think.

Keep well,

LifeBegins x

Good afternoon dear diary.

581 days since I last self inflicted pain on myself, because I was obsessed with my addiction to gambling, I only let go because I had nothing more I could feed it with.and so it broke me, and my journey of abstaining and maintaining began. And therefore my recovery, Do I today still have that pull to gamble, truthfully yes on and off, do I miss it, truthfully yes on and off,,

What do I miss about it, Truthfully I really don't know what I miss about it, was it because this was something I did on my own, in secret, truthfully maybe, Was it because I was actually doing something in secret on my own as a way of escape, truthfully yes, I actually thrived on the near wins, and anticipation, of winning a percentage of any money I put in back????

Did I thrive on the sleepless nights, juggling money about, lying through my teeth, stealing from OH selling everything I could, getting PD loan after PD loan, and this was after my credit cards and bank loans dried up, not to mention ODs with 2 banks, truthfully I thrived on all my deceit until I could not feed it any more, ???? Why, truthfully I do not know, I just know I had to get my next fix anyway I could, that was my priority in my life.

Will,I gamble again, truthfully I don't know, but I do know that by putting my recovery first and my number one priority, I have every chance of not self destructing again,

I can not allow myself to get bored or complacent with my recovery, the outcome would be disastrous,

I accept that gambling was a mugs game, I accept that losing thousands and thousands was utter madness, but I also accept that I am a CG in recovery, and being kind to myself is another top priority.

Do I feel happier, healthier and contentI more so than 581 days ago, truthfully on and off.

Am I better off financially truthfully YES, and that is the only 100% yes I have given, and it somewhat makes me smile, because the money side of this horrible addiction does not even come into it???

Am I embracing my recovery, truthfully on and off, (because I still some days just want to get off my rollercoaster ride) and walk away.from my shameful gamblng past, and forget it ever happened, I can do this with some stuff, but not with this addiction, I have to see it through for always now, for the safety for me and therefore for the safety of my family.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and calm gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Great post Suzanne. If i could get you on my couch for a minute ;-), i have a theory on your drive to use. It might not be pleasant reading so i will let you decide if you want to hear it,

Dan x

Ok here goes. I don't know you or have all the details but here is what I see. Your a people pleaser. I was too. People pleasing come's from a place of not feeling good enough. We are afraid of people's judgements about us & so always try to give them what we think they want or tell them what we think they want to hear. It comes from a fear of being vulnerable in case that is rejected & it comes from a lack of connection. I would guess if you have siblings that you feel you don't measure up in your parents eyes, & I would also guess that gambling wasn't the first time you have gone f#ck this if everything I do still isn't good enough I'll do whatever I want & see how you all like that! You probably threw your toys out of the pram a lot as a teenager and young adult. You probably feel put upon. You have probably been given a label in your family that you don't want. Having said all that, its just a theory & I get things wrong sometimes. I have seen a real breakthrough with you over the last 3/4 weeks. You have stopped trying to be everyone's support & spent some time putting you first. It must be exhausting trying to be there for everyone. Your an amazing woman Suzanne, time to start recognizing that x

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So one piece of advice. Stop being your label. Start being who you are. Trust me it's always enough x

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Good morning diary,

585 days, I don't mentally think of each day adding up now, but it is positive for me to see the count when I write on here.

Buying Xmas pressies on a budget, is going better than I thought, about half way done now, and that is stopping me from getting too stressed, am not buying pressies that we can't afford, and certainly not getting into debt for Xmas, (would not be able to anyway as I have no credit card or overdraft now to use) and no chance of getting any credit as my credit score is shot lol.

Sons operation is now being done on the 14th December, at least it won't be dragging on over the Xmas period, so that is good news,

Gambling thoughts still try and creep in, and I still have thoughts about what I did and what I had become, I would not be normal lol, if I was able to blot it all out like it never happened, but I am living along side with this addiction, and the further up the road I go, the easier it gets to live with, My rational side stays at the forefront and this is thanks to my recovery,

I am able to choose myself with what I want to do ( well most of the time) and not what is expected of me, and to be able to say no, is a big step forward for me, I do have an opinion of my own, and I do have a choice, and I can think for myself, and that is very positive for me, so life is moving OAU slowly but surely, and it's looking pretty good at this time. Because I am realising that I am my own person, I am my own rock 🙂

LM will be here soon, and we are going to make homemade mince pies, (he loves making a mess) and I love having him.(just for a few hours lol). one of my choices for today .

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and determined gambling free day,

Suzanne xx

Thanks for the post on my diary Suzanne, 585 is an incredibly impressive count, you are doing so well! Homemade mince pies sound delicious, have a great day!

Phil x

Hi Suzanne,

Great stuff on your gambling free time! 🙂

Talking of mince pies. I walked into Asda yesterday and there they were 4 of them in a see through packet staring at me. I bought them of course and ate the lot within 5 mins of walking through the door.

They wern't very nice to be fair. I'd imagine your homemade ones were delicious!

Keep up the good work

Regards... S.A 🙂

Hi Suzanne
Hope your sons op goes well and amazingly brilliant on your continued abstention from the demon.
Very proud of you
Cheryl xxx

Good morning lovely lady!
587 days wow!
Great to have a chat via text last night!
Stay safe.
Steve xxx

hows the xmas shopping going suzanne ? x

588 days! Wow! That is amazing. Keep going and inspring us all.