Life begins again

Hi S,

Good to see lil man is on the mend ☺ . I do hope he sees more light ahead now and stopped worrying about "nothing". It will be ok, I'm sure of it ☺

As of yourself - look how well you're doing! Keep it up, keep it real, believe in urself! You're stronger than before ☺

One day at a time

S x

Hi Suzanne , thank you for your kind comments on my diary , youve always been a great comfort to me on my dark and also happy day's.

Glad things are improving with your son , positive thoughts !

Have a great Day ! xx

I wished wrote:

Thanks for your kind words folks xxx

Good morning diary,

Son had his op yesterday and was back home yesterday evening:) feeling very sore and groggy, but he had a good nights sleep:)) so it's just a waiting game again for the results from a biopsy that was taken, be about 10 days but I am 99% it won't be anything nasty:)) I know he has been gambling more of late, (within his means he say) his vice is the bookies sports bets, he says he does not have a problem with his gambling, as he only puts on what he can afford to, but I know that anything in excess, is no good for us.his pattern is he bets just once a week at the bookies, but every so often, he just goes over the top with it, I think he is in the middle bit, not a CG, but not a total responsible gambler all the time either (if that makes sense) he has gambled since he was 18 and I do think if he was going to,self destruct as a CG, he would have done it by now, (I hope so anyway) I can't do anything about his gambling believe me I have tried, he is very open about his bets, and does not think he has a problem. like me, so he says.

As for me, my only vice was and still is online slots, but for me personally I just don't gamble on anything any more, I don't even do raffle tickets, but this is easy not to do, the same with scratch cards and the lottery, (OH does it at work in a syndicate) but none of these interest me, so it's not a big deal for me to just not do them, I wasn't a big deal to play bingo online when I started, I could take it or leave it, but look where that got me, so for me I just abstain from all of it, but this is me, and we are all individual on our journeys,

No dreams now for a few days and no slot thoughts, so that episode has subsided, and I am looking forward to Xmas and seeing the family,

This recovery is hard work at times but it is soo much worth it, and at the end of the day, it really is the only way I can move OAUs.

Wishing everyone a strong, positive and calm gambling free day.

Suzanne xx

Great news about your son! Must be a load off your mind.

Keep strong and thanks for everything you do on here

tri

Getting closer to the big 600! X

Haha thanks GT. I doubt he did though as he'll never have the time. He works endlessly. Probably clears about £50k a month into his bank! He is incredibly good at his job just a bit of an a*s most of the time. He's been disciplined before but when you bring in so much revenue you're above all that.

Do I aspire to be him? Absolutely not. Do I respect his capabilities? Absolutely yes.

The afternoon dragged like crazy as I'm so tired and just need sleep. The triangle should be updated to a square! As if you're asleep you're going to find it fairly hard to gamble. Haha. Take care everyone and I'll check back later.

Thanks guys for your lovely messages very much appreciated:))

Good evening diary,

Another out of the ordinary Friday, I normally have LM, but spent the day with BM, instead(OH) lol, he had a days holiday,

First thing we went to get our hair cut, I am quite happy to have my hair cut at a barbers, used to it now:)) and then shopping, a bit of lunch out, and then a visit to his brothers, quite a nice normal day out,

It's 600 days tomorrow, as Steve and GT have mentioned, but do you what dear diary, it honestly feels just like another day, my day count I think stopped being so important, after the one year milestone, maybe it is because the abstaining side has been taken over by my recovery, I hope this is a good sign, I was really chuffed to get to day 50 and then 100 and then the year was more important than the actual day count, and now I am not thinking in years either, (if that makes sense) my roller coaster recovery ride is more important now than ever before because I have seen the changes already in my life for the better.not just for me but for my family. I still cannot get my head around how I could get soo addicted to online slots, but I did for 8 years, and I have the scars and memory to remind me, but that was a negative time in my life which made everything around me look and feel negative.

I am working at not letting complacency set in, I am aware how easy it can take over, I am not posting on my diary every day now, and I say to myself, I don't need to now, also there is only so much I can say about my daily life so I honestly don't feel the need to write every day now,

This must be a positive, I still read every day and try to give support to others, because without you lot, I would not have gotten this far. I have learnt so much by reading other diarists posts on here, it truly is an amazing forum.

I just have to watch for complacency at this time, because my recovery is very much one day at a time, and I can't lose sight of that.

We have a viewing on the house tomorrow, first one for a few weeks, I hope they are not time wasters, we have had so many, and have decided I am not going to go bolistic around the house before they come, it's not a show house, it's our home and hopefully not for too much longer (she says fingers crossed).

Nearly forgot lol, gambling thoughts and dreams, none lately, a big 0% and that has to be a big fat positive, far too busy to be thinkng or dreaming about that cxxp, let's face it gamblng is just sheer cxxp

Wishing everyone a positive, calm and happy gamblng free Friday evening.

Suzanne xx

PS I am now wondering that because I am not excited about reaching 600 is because I feel ashamed so very much still that I did 8 years of none stop gamblng, and maybe my inner self is saying if you can go this long without gambling, how and why the hell did you slowly destruct yourself for 8 years, I know the answer I just did not want to, I could always see a way around my selfish gamblng, even when I knew I was addicted, and in heavy debt, I still did not want to stop, so I guess I am still feeling very ashamed

even though my wonderful OH has totally forgiven me, still work n progress at being able to forgive myself.x

I just want to say well done. I fully agree with your thinking.. You have given so much to others in thIs forum and I know we are all very thankful. You are right to take every day as a new opportunity not to gamble rather than seeing any day as more of an achievement than another. Your story inspires me and others! Tomorrow, please spend a minute celebrating day 600 and spend the rest of the day celebrating that fact that you choose not to gamble for another day! Please forgive yourself and enjoy the realisation of how far you have travelled!

Take care.

600 days Suzanne!

Its a great acheivement whether you choose to accept it or not.

The bottom line is that you are replacing shame with "acceptance of responsibility"

We all make mistakes, we can forgive ourselves. Though I understand how hard it can be to do that.

Keep up the good work

S.A 🙂

What an achievement 600 days is!!!
Your are my inspiration to still keep going on this site.
Fantastic going Suzanne.
Have a great weekend. You deserve it!
Steve xxx

I hear you about day counting, but I'm still going to say a massive well done! It's a huge achievement and one that you've worked blooming hard for. When I get to 600 days I'm going to be shouting it from the rooftops and possibly even doing a little dance in the garden (naked!!). Yes....I'll give the neighbours time to get their eyeshades 🙂

Shame can act as a reminder not to do something again. But do you still need that reminder? To my mind still feeling guilty or ashamed is letting Mr. G win, as he is still able to make you feel bad about yourself. Forgiveness sets you free. It's in the past...that time has gone...you're not that person anymore so you don't need to carry that ghost around with you. Does that make sense? I'm not justifying what you (or I) did, I'm just saying that it's in the past and you're not doing it anymore. If a child did something wrong but was still being told off about it months (or years) later we'd question whether that was valid.To my mind, this is similar. Easier said than done though, I know 😉

Good luck with the viewing. Being the resident cleaning expert, I doubt that you're house even needs a clean before they arrive, but good on you for relaxing about it a bit. Does that mean hubby can use the loo?!

Have a great weekend.

LifeBegins x

Hi,

What an incredible achievement in reaching 600 days. I know you don't like counting but hey - well done you

Best wishes xxxxx

I wished wrote:

PS I am now wondering that because I am not excited about reaching 600 is because I feel ashamed so very much still that I did 8 years of none stop gamblng, and maybe my inner self is saying if you can go this long without gambling, how and why the hell did you slowly destruct yourself for 8 years, I know the answer I just did not want to, I could always see a way around my selfish gamblng, even when I knew I was addicted, and in heavy debt, I still did not want to stop, so I guess I am still feeling very ashamed

even though my wonderful OH has totally forgiven me, still work n progress at being able to forgive myself.x

Humble as always hon, but i'm very proud of you.

tri x

Good afternoon/evening diary.

Thank you so much Ibis, SA, Steve, LB, GT and Balvaird for your lovely supportive messages which I have taken on board:)

) 600 days today on my rollercoaster journey ride that is my recovery journey:))

Has my life changed for the better ofcourse it has, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Do I still get emotional, mentally drained, and sometimes physically ill, ofcourse I do, I am a human being.

Those feelings will come and go, whether I had become a CG or not.

Do I still throw my toys out of the pram, yes sometimes, that is me, would like to at the moment, because this house selling is not going anywhere, The folks that came today, actually said they were just browsing, deep breath indeed, still looking on the positive side house got blitzed this morning, poor OH cleaning the outside conservatory 0:( good job it is soo very mild ) out there.

Soo pleased we won't be here over Xmas, as going to sons, and am really looking forward to it, especially seeing son after his op

He rang me this afternoon, and I could read through his tone of voice, that he was looking forward to us going down and at the end of the day, it's our loved ones that matter, because we matter to them.

Wishing everyone a happy, chilled and safe gamblng free evening.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for popping by the other day but go easy on them hugs momma 😉

The NM was worried about me driving 2 hours to meet a man I didn't know (fair point) but he understands that I must do whatever it takes for me to feel safe & secure with my recovery! I know you have proved to the world that you are strong enough to do this without but if meetings are what you want to do & feel it will help you keep moving OAU then you really should make yourself heard if OH doesn't relent come the New Year! I hear every word you post about work in progress but you have to heed it too! I'm cool, I really am, I'm not looking to become Miss Perfect, Mrs Alright will do but I have to secure my recovery ODAAT so that I don't lose me again!

Loved ones matter far more than any material object so keep doing what you do & try not to worry about the house! Wishing your little soldier a super speedy recovery - ODAAT - Juuuuuune