Living in hope

Woke with the same regret and guilt. Doesn't feel it will ease this time. Feeling so low, going through the motions of life.

I will not gamble today.

No gambling today.

Good start imuzbmad, keep it going and remember one day, one hour or one minute at a time.

Thank you elemental. It's good to know there is some support in this. Xx

I've also uninstalled the free slots apps. Didn't feel right playing them and got no pleasure from them. And I haven't missed or thought of them.

No gambling today. Almost bought a scratch card but thankfully there was a big queue and I couldn't be bothered to wait.

Hi imuzbad, I promise you it does get easier if you stick with it. There's no overnight miracle but the longer you go the more you will settle down

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Thanks dessie.

Only a few waves of anger today at my recent relapse. The worst anger I feel is that I had won the week before and knew I would lose it all and more if I didn't self exclude from the online site. I thought I had to phone them and didn't want the hassle or embarrassment of doing that. After I went and lost all+++ I discovered that I only had to click on one tab to self exclude. I would have done that if I had known. So cross with myself.

Needless to say I have now self excluded but so angry with myself for not doing this before I lost it all.

You need to let it go. I promise you from experience the feeling of regret and anger over the lost money do gradually subside in time. Take a few deep breaths and concentrate on putting as many days between you and gambling as possible . Good luck

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You know now. Thats the important thing.

Keep building on recovery. well done. tri

Thanks dessie and tri. I know that I have to let it go but it enters my head without trying. It is getting less intense though. On the positive side I've had no waves of anger or panic today; just really, really low and irritable.

No gambling today.

Hi, this is my original post on here from 2008 which tells my story. A bit older but the story remains the same. I still owe about £16000 but still hope to clear it before I retire. I have had episodes, some lengthy, when I have been in control, since this post. However, I find myself back here again:-

Hello, I am a 44yr old female, and I am searching for salvation from this nightmare of gambling addiction.
My parents did not gamble. Occassionally we would visit the local seaside and spend a short time in the arcade. My dad would give us each 20p or so which we would change into 1p's for the penny waterfall. I didn't want to lose mine so would usually take the money home to save or buy sweets. That was just fun as part of a family day out.
Gambling did not enter conversation and definately not my mind until I met my now husband(24yrs ago). Fairly soon on in the relationship we would often go to the local seaside to play in the arcades. I would sit and watch him play; bored and never inclined to play myself. I would get very annoyed with him for wasting money but he would always have enough left to buy something to eat on the way home. I became more and more interested in the machines but they were only 2p, 5p, 10p a go machines and you could spend hours and not lose too much. It was a bit of fun then. Even so, I think the gambling bug had set in and I would look forward to going again. I still blame my husband for introducing me to slots.

My real problem began about 10yrs ago. I suffered a severe injury during the birth of my son. This resulted in a severe case of post traumatic stress disorder. I was very ill and distressed and would go to the arcades to try to escape the torment I was feeling. The hours I spent playing the machines I would be in oblivion and couldn't wait to get back there. At first I played 2p machines. This soon escalated to 10p machines. I was wasting about £50 - £100 per night then. It took about 3yrs to recover physically and mentally from the birth trauma but was left with the gambling problem.
They then introduced the dreaded £2 a go/£500 jackpot machines about 3yrs ago. I won on the 1st try and a few more times and was hooked. They are a nightmare. I could easily lose £1000 a night on them in a few hours. Thankfully they have restricted their number and are now £1 a go, but there are plenty of other types out there.
As a typical cg i have won at times but always go back, thinking I will win more, but put it all back in plus lots more.
I found online bingo sites last year and soon realised they have slots on them. I have lost £1000's++ on them. I have now self excluded from them all.
In the past 10 yrs I would dread to think what I have lost, probably £100,000 +. I am determined to stop.
My family/friends/colleagues do not know I have a cg prob. I would be horrified to tell them. I think they would be astonished that I have a gambling problem, I am 'the sensible one'. My husband knows I play the slots in arcades(not online), but does not know how much. He has a flutter on the horses and I know he has a gambling problem himself but with limited resources so he can only lose what he has. He has poor credit records and cannot access credit. I have an excellent credit record because I earn a good wage and have access to lots of credit. I am currently £25,000 in debt.
When I am gambling now I feel sick to the stomache and suffer irritable bowels. I know I have to stop. There is no enjoyment in it now. In the past I would feel elated and excited in anticipation; if I won i would be ecstatic and happy but if I lost I would feel depressed and hate myself. I would be irritable and short tempered with my family. It is crazy. When I go shopping I am careful not to overdo the spending and look for bargains, but think nothing of withdrawing £500 to go gambling with!!! Even writing this I feel the urge to do the same (i wont). How can a sensible person be taken over by this insanity?!
Gambling is always on my mind. Even in work, when i am busy, my thoughts are invaded by panic over the amount I have recently lost. I hate myself a lot of the time. I love my kids soooooooo much and feel devastated that I (and my husband) have not achieved the standard of living we could have if we didn't gamble. I would be horrified if either of my children took to gambling. Luckily my son shows no interest and actually moans if we go in a seaside arcade. My daughter, however, shows the addictive traits and I do worry for her.

I am now determined to stop. I have tried in the past but have never lasted more than a few weeks. I know I cannot carry on like this. I need to clear my debts before I retire (hoping to retire at 55) and to look forward to a comfortable life.
It is going to be really hard. Everything in life seems boring compared to gambling and I will have to fight the urges. I have joined this site for support and this is day 8 of the rest of my (gambling free) new life.

Thank you for reading this.
(P.s.: imuzbmad was my online name on the bingo sites which shows how i felt about it but still couldn't stop. Thought I would use it here to remind myself of how terrible I felt/feel about it and that I never want to go back there again.)

Thanks, it is very true but very hard to keep the triangle secure. I am still feeling low but a little better than yesterday. I intend to go swimming later or to the cinema. Will not gamble today.

Day 14.

Did not gamble today. Tried to go swimming but the pool was closed. Pottered about at home and had a nice relaxing bath. Made a lovely rice pudding which should be done in about 10mins.

Xx