Into day 8 GF.
Last 24 hours been a bit of a double edged sword. Feeling a little better about the future and actually thinking about things to look forward to in my life albeit thinking about how I might need to deal with them differently to how I might have just 4 months ago.
On the less positive side, although I have not had any urges to actually gamble, last night just as I settled down to go to sleep I had a sudden thought about how not all the gambling experience was bad and remembering the feeling when I sometimes won £1000 on the spin of online slots. For the last couple of weeks I have only had bad thoughts about gambling. Gave myself a talking to about it and reminded myself of the despair I felt at 6.00 in the morning after losing thousands after gambling all night, the horrific and humiliating experience of having to confess to my wife and of course the consequences of gambling again. I have some fairly vivid mental images I use to help me with this and of course the practical blocks I have in place mean I have no access to money to gamble anyway. Just rather not have these thoughts at all. Just a reminder that the evil gambling demon is perhaps not going to give up that easy.
Still went for my walk last night despite it being a bit drizzly and wet but a bit of rain never hurt anyone. Almost overtook a couple of very slow joggers speed walking which made me grin. Had to do an extra lap of the block to get to my 10,000 steps as must have had a lazy day in office and not walked enough. It is important to me at the moment to hit this target.
First counselling tonight. Nervous but still positive about going. No one is going to do this for me and it won’t resolve itself by me sitting back and making no changes so I must take positive steps.
Not entirely sure why a three letter word for moisture begining in W and ending in T has been starred out but someone must think it is inappropriate!
Into 9 days GF and no urges to gamble.
Busy this morning so need to keep this brief but still want to keep this up daily at the moment.
Had another brief thought about how not all of my gambling experience was bad when I woke up this morning. Soon put that one to bed with stern talking to myself. Seems a bit like there is just a little bit of poison left in my body that just needs work itself out.
Had first counselling session last night. Guy that did it was excellent and plenty of things to think about not all directly related to gambling but maybe about how I deal with things internally which made me behave so badly during my hopefully (no, definitely) brief gambling spell. Will go back next week with positive attitude.
Came back from session absolutely physically shattered though, quick chat to wife and then off to bed when I slept better than I have in many weeks. Feel a bit bad that I did not go for my walk that I told myself I needed to do every day. Going to see if I can fit 15,000 steps in today and tomorrow to compensate.
Wife away for a couple of nights this weekend. Offered to put her plans on hold and not go but feel no need for her to do that. I am not going to do something stupid just because she is not in the house.
Good luck everyone who is struggling.
Ok, I did not keep it that brief.
Into day 10 GF, still a small number but there is no magic way of making it go any faster.
No urges to gamble which is great although those little thoughts of how not everything about gambling was bad still occasionally try and force their way into my mind but have enough mental images and other memories to quickly deal with them. Really like to get rid of them permanently but I am plenty strong enough to bat them away if they want to hang around.
Had chat with wife before she went away for weekend. The thing that is hurting her most at the moment is how sad and unhappy I have been over the last week. We talked it out and from her perspective, I hurt her by losing a chunk of our savings which she has forgiven me for and accepted is gone, I hurt her even more by the lying and secrecy over the 4 months I was gambling and not feeling I could tell her until it had finally got so far out of control which she had forgiven me for on basis it was a one off mistake and now I am continuing to hurt her by not being able to accept what I have done and continuing to be miserable and sad rather than trying to be a better husband who is there to support and look after her when she needs it.
So, time for wallowing and self pity is over. Can't change the past but I can change the future and be a better and more positive and supportive person.
Today going out with son to play golf and maybe cinema tonight. Tomorrow morning will clean the house and get some washing done so wife comes back to a tidy house and we can do something together.
Managed 16000 steps yesterday so just need to do 14000 today to catch up.
Into day 11 GF and no urges to gamble.
Kept busy yesterday doing things I wanted to do and enjoyed rather than hiding myself away losing money and giving myself huge amounts of stress and worry.
Attacking a few household chores this morning - can't pretend they fit into the category of enjoyable but need to be done. Don't feel like I am trying to keep myself busy to stop myself from thinking about gambling, just seem to be in a phase of wanting to get on and do stuff and not waste my time.
The last four months and particularly the last week or so still don't generally leave my thoughts for very long but not with anywhere near the same level of dread. I am more thinking about how I can be a better person going forward than i was before all this rather than wallowing in the past.
The thought of coming up on 2 weeks gamble free during the week has occurred to me a few times over the last day as I know this could be significant in terms of my two week cycle of big loss, despair and grief, forgetting about it and then trying to chase my losses again. Pretty sure too much has changed during last 11 days for this to happen again but will be on my guard.
Day 12 GF and no urges to gamble.
Keeping up my guard and very happy to have blocks in place. Mind has occasionally wandered into the future and thought about whether I will always need these and will I always consider myself as someone who has a problem with gambling or whether in say 10 years time I will think back on it as a stupid mistake I once made and just be one of those people who choses not to gamble. Not sure how useful that type of thinking really is given how few days I have been GF since my problems. Think I am getting a bit ahead of myself.
Hi must stop
I’d say it’s human nature to look to the future, thinking about it our life is based around making a better life for our future self. Sometimes we look to far and others not far enough. Will you look back in ten years at this and see it as a stupid mistake? Most likely but that’ll depend on the work present you will be doing for future you. Gamblers have a tendency to stick their fingers up to future you and live entirely for the moment. Groundhog Day. Eat sleep gamble repeat. You mentioned will you always need your blocks. Now blocks aren’t something you should base your recovery on they’re something that should the urge arise and you become weak are like opening a door and finding a brick wall. Bash the wall hard enough cracks will appear so it’s important that blocks are more a side dish and the main is why did I gamble and what can I do to make sure I’m never in the situation where I want to gamble again. As your gambling commenced and ended in a short period looking at the reason why and how you went so out of control should be an easy answer to find. Although it won’t be yet you’ll know when you no longer need the blocks don’t sweat the small stuff as they say.
It posted twice.
Stopping gambling in the early days is definately day by day, just focus on not doing it, not thinking about it as much as you can, gambling is such a waste of time, say that to youself every day.
Thanks Wentworth and Smashed for your comments, I think the mantra of one day at a time is probably best at the moment and stop worrying about 10 years time!!
Agree about the blocks. Let’s be honest, if I really wanted to gamble I could get access to money and find a way to gamble – I know some people may not want to hear that but that is the reality. I need to continue to either not want to gamble or have the willpower not to, I only really see the physical blocks as a short term inconvenience to help overcome moments of weakness (should they occur), and a safety net for my wife, not a long term solution. Not sure I can realistically spend the rest of my life treating myself as if I cannot be trusted with money.
Day 13 and still not had any urges to gamble and at the moment can’t see it happening. Some may see that as complacency or arrogance or naivety but that is currently how I feel.
Stopped having thoughts about how some of my gambling experience was actually fun. Instead, woke up about 4.00am this morning with a sleep induced belief that I had gambled and lost another chunk of money. My stomach turned over and I almost broke down until I woke up properly and realised it was just my mind playing tricks on me. The mind is a wonderful yet occasionally vindictive thing.
Second counselling session on Thurs. Like to work out why I started gambling so relatively late in life and got out of control so quickly. My own simple explanation is I did something I was not really comfortable doing (hence the secrecy), it got out of hand and because I had kept it a secret to start with, I panicked and tried to fix the problem with the only option I saw open to me which obviously did not go too well.
Keep up the fight Muststop123 - we're at a similar time in terms of GF, I'm day 12 and feeling motivated too. I'll continue to read your diary.
gambler999 wrote:
Keep up the fight Muststop123 - we're at a similar time in terms of GF, I'm day 12 and feeling motivated too. I'll continue to read your diary.
Thanks gambler999, into day 14 GF and no way I am going to be even thinking about gambling today. You keep up the good fight as well.
Actually thinking about work challenges this morning getting ready for work which is a lot better than regrets and worries of the past.
Did get a bit annoyed with myself driving to work when I thought about something which would have been really useful to have (not a necessity) and would have just gone out and bought a few months ago but not really in position to buy at the moment. Not life changing but a gentle reminder that even though I managed to stop gambling before I got into debt, it does still have an impact. Not going to let it get me down, that is in the past and I cannot change the past, only learn from it.
Muststop123
Into day 15 and I do not want to gamble. The thought of it makes me feel ill.
Stopped getting the thoughts of any part of gambling being fun. My fear of the two week cycle of gambling, losing, feeling terrible, forgetting how bad I felt and then trying to chase my losses again has not materialsed which must mean the actions of the last two weeks must have had some affect - I certainly hope so because I certainly do not want to go through that again.
Mind has introduced a different feeling this morning and that is fear. Fear of going online again and gambling and the consequences to the rest of my life of doing so. This is odd beacuse I have no desire to gamble so don't know where this is coming from but actually sat at work being scared of something is not an experience I am really used to. Last few weeks have been a real eye opener in terms of the emotions I have felt which I don't think I have really experienced for most of my adult life.
Very busy day today at work so hopefully can keep my mind off this and have counselling tonight so maybe discuss this if I still feel the same way.
Keep strong everyone and don't give in.
Into day 16 GF and I do not want to gamble. This is not some sort of mantra I quote everyday to convince myself, just how I feel.
Second counselling session yesterday and spent most of it trying to discover the reason I started gambling. Not there yet but it has certainly provoked a few thoughts about my life in general. Quite an uncomfortable experience as it has bought up a few issues that I have probably been subconciously ignoring and pushing to the back of my mind as they aren't things I really want to deal with. The counsellor seemed to pretty quickly see through my simple "oh, I just made a mistake and did something stupid" explanation.
Not sure how I currently feel but confident I am not going to gamble so that is positive and main point of this diary.
Into day 19 GF, gambling is not on my mind. I am not having to take any actions to prevent myself from gambling because it is just not something that I do, just like it was 4 and 1/2 months ago before my "episode".
Physical financial blocks in place and I could always bring up my mental reminders/memories if I wanted to but not letting my thoughts go there as it is currently unnecessary and they are pretty dark and negative images so not particularly positive thinking.
Last week's counselling session and starting to tease out why I did suddenly start gambling is probably the thing most on my mind at the moment as resolving that would obviously mean the likelihood of it occuring again should be reduced. Not very comfortable dealing with these questions as they seem a bit too close to relationships/marrriage counselling/mid life crisis territory and "what is my purpose in life". All scary stuff for someone who generally bottles stuff up and hopes it will just go away. If it is a mid life crisis I really wish I had blown £6000 on a bright red sports car rather than giving it to on-line casinos - I might have looked stupid driving it around but I could have sold it once I had got it out of my system.
Great weekend away with a few friends so no time to dwell on anything.
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