Living with my biggest mistake

Into day 20 and no desire or even thoughts of gambling so that is main thing I guess.

Yesterday wife had a long day at work as she had a business trip. Got home before her so I made dinner and tidied up house a bit and welcomed her at the door. Feeling good. Unfortunately she was not as she had hardly slept the previous night as she did not know where my tablet was (I usually leave it downstairs but had tidied it away in a drawer when I went away at the weekend) and had spent half the night worrying where it was and what I was doing with it. Immediately wanted to see bank statements. We went through them online and obviously nothing to see there.

Really bought back to me that whilst I may have tried to move on and look towards a positive future rather than wallow in the past I may have done too much damage to our marriage. She may have forgiven me (I honestly believe she has) but trusting me again is obviously a whole lot harder. Of course, I start hating myself again for what I have done to her, close up emotionally and end going for an hour and a half hour walk. She gets upset that I seem to be giving her the cold shoulder whereas I really just don't even want to spend any time in my own company let alone expect anyone else to spend time with me.

It really is c**P what we do to those around us. Going to have to knock myself out of this as feeling very negative again.

21 days GF and don't want to gamble. Yes, I'd like my money back please and not to have caused the pain to my wife (and myself if I am honest) but don't see see gambling again as a solution to any of this.

Had another chat to wife about the previous day and her coming home worried I might have been gambling again. She said she acknowledged it was totally unfounded (her words) and that whilst she might not have liked my reaction of wanting some time to myself afterwards, she understands it is not helpful for me to hide my feelings and just suck it up to keep her happy. Obviously I understand she needs to be wary of me at the moment and obviously has little trust in me but it does not hurt any less.

Two main thoughts going around in my head at the moment:

1. I have caused this and there are reprecussions around how much my wife will ever trust me again and therefore how much she will feel comfortable me having any control of our finances/assets in the future. Not sure I can live the rest of my life handing over my salary each month and being given "pocket money" each week and having to ask for permission/money to do anything. I can hear the screams of the those who have been on the other end of this saying "yes you do, because of what you have done" but actually no, I don't. I did not do anything illegal and have not run up debts or prevented any of my family being able to do anything they would have otherwise. I did something incredibly stupid that I regret immensely but I can't or rather won't spend the rest of my life being unhappy as a result of it.

2. Counselling sessions trying to identify why I did gamble so far seem to be leading towards boredom/lack of fulfilment in life/feelings of lack of control. Not very pleasant issues to deal with and discuss but if I don't resolve these issues then whilst I am extemely confident I will not go down the gambling route again I think the likely outcome will be another risky or ill-advised course of action.

Next counselling session tomorrow so need to see where that goes.

Starting to feel that this diary does not fit on a problem gambling forum.

Hi Muststop - I just want to thank you for your diary entries. It's a real help. I've read through them and your story holds a lot of similarities to mine - and no doubt many other compulsive gamblers.

I too was shocked how quickly gambling took over my life - it was like a 0 - 60 in 2 seconds flat from trying my luck with an occasional lottery ticket to spending every single spare moment online playing roulette. Absurd when I think about it - I’d have a bath playing roulette, I’d be at the gym playing roulette, at dinner parties playing roulette, talking on the phone playing roulette … that's the trouble with having a smart phone, a casual thumb tap is all it takes.

I applaud your courage for telling your wife and hope you beat this together. That’s something I’ve not done - yet. A cowards move I admit, but I’ve given myself a ‘get out of jail free card’ on this as the damage I've done so far is just to my own finances and hopefully, fingers crossed, it ended before it could spread to hurt others.

Although my 3 days gf is hardly a badge of honour and security.

I too share that terrible dread you have about the 'fear' of going online at some point in the future to suddenly drop the bomb back into your life. Maybe foolishly, I try to convince myself that's just me catastrophizing worst case scenario. I want to lay this addiction to rest and be done with it. I’m reluctant to empower it and make myself afraid of it. But, again, that could be a foolish novice move on my part.

I’m glad your life is regaining a sense of control and I really hope it works out for you and your family. Take care.

And thanks again for your candid diary entries.

Just a few things. Well done you for stopping and yes I understand how hard it is to tell the partner I went to mine over a minor amount and she threatened she would dump me Imif I done again so it's been hard to stay 64 gf ree days also yes I think it's wrong how online are so easy but end of this year you can self exlude all by making one phone call good luck and keep going

So day 22 GF and I don't want to gamble which is good.

Not much to say today after letting a lot of feelings out in my diary yesterday. re-reading it today, bits of it seem a bit selfish and arrogant but starting to realise that you can't spend your whole life doing what you think you ought to do or what others think you ought to do if it is not making you happy. You may be able to do it for a long time but eventually you will subciously rebel even if you don't realise you are doing it.

Counselling tonight and for the first time I am not really looking forward to it as I think I may have to admit some things it is a lot easier to ignore.

Thanks for the comments Equinox, your examples of when you would be playing roulette rang true with me. At my lowest I would be hitting the spin button in between putting on each of my socks or as soon as I got out of the shower before I even dried myself. Sometimes I struggle to believe I got so hooked so quickly and hard.

Well done on what must be 65 days today, Christer1. Being able to self exclude from everywhere with one call is definitely a step forward, just need people to realise they have a problem as early as possible before too much damage is done. Online gambling is just too easy.

Muststop123

Day 23 GF and as determined as ever I will never gamble again. Online gambling has had its pound of flesh from me and may consider it has won but I can ensure it never gets another penny from me.

Third counselling session last night and did not want to go. Sat in car before going in trying to think of excuse not to go in as feeling fairly uncomfortable about where I thought conversation might go. Persuaded myself that I should go even if I did not want to as a punishment for my previous behaviour and hurt I have caused.

So glad I went, came out on a bit of a high, conversation did go where expected in terms of why I started gambling (not quite ready to start documenting that in this diary) but instead of coming out feeling bad about it, we discussed how we could come up with solutions. Basically I need to learn how to talk to people about how I feel rather than holding it all in.

Feel slightly ashamed of my post from a couple of days ago just because I was feeling a bit sore about my behaviour and the consequences just three weeks after admitting it. A little bit more honesty and actually bothering to find out what my wife is feeling at the moment might be more appropriate. I will leave the post up as it is as a bit of a reminder to myself that there are actually two people impacted by this situation.

Overall feeling positive. Did my new walking circuit in under an hour on Wed (59:17) which I had been trying to achieve for a few nights - all this exercise must be doing me good. Golf this afternoon with my son and then out with friends tonight.

Keep up the good fight everyone and remember you aren't on your own.

Thanks for posting on my diary Muststop123, we have to realise what we did as your right it affects more than us. I think when you stop you definately change as a person for the better as if youve been so low down in the gambling mire there is no further down to go, smile tell your wife how much you love her everyday, tell her she looks good and keep smiling and leave gambling buried where it deserves to be.

Day 24 GF and gambling not going to happen.

Still fighting internal battle in my mind accepting the consequences of my actions. They are relatively minor compared to what they could have been but I am impatient to have my life back to how it was even though i know it is far too early to ever expect that. Totally unreasonable for me to expect it but does not stop me thinking about it. Blah.

Hi Must. Well done on day 24! I'm a few days behind and, like you struggling a bit because I'm inpatient , I want a quick fix to feeling normal again. Do you think it's an inherent trait of compulsive gamblers to want everything immediately?

velvet7 wrote: Hi Must. Well done on day 24! I'm a few days behind and, like you struggling a bit because I'm inpatient , I want a quick fix to feeling normal again. Do you think it's an inherent trait of compulsive gamblers to want everything immediately?

I definitely think we have short memories - three weeks ago I would have considered it like winning the lottery (ok, bad example on a problem gambling site!) to be where I am now but still I get annoyed with the consequences I have caused.

So day 25 GF.

Made fatal error of asking my wife how she felt last night. Got a bit more than I bargained for. People tell me it is good to talk and keep the communication lines open. Not so sure myself.

Result has been a bit of a subdued weekend. All very polite but underlying tension.

So day 26 GF and have no urges or thoughts of gambling being in any way fun or pleasurable. I see it only as negative with horrible consequences and a pretty intense dislike of any of the businesses involved in it. Don't watch a lot of sports on television so probably not bombarded with quite as many adverts as some but still feel quite angry when I see a television programme being sponsored by some online casino with pictures of happy smiling people winning money. These businesses don't make their huge profits from happy smiling people winning money, they make them from making people miserable and depressed. Rant over.

On a happier note, 18th wedding anniversary today and I am a very lucky man to still be married to a wonderful lady. Everything is not perfect but then again whose life is but I think we care enough about each other to work our way through this.

Talked more last night and I am not saying it is 100% a healthy thing to do (and not sure counsellor is going to agree!!) but sometime I think you just need to accept things/siuations for how they are rather than continually pick at them - sounds a lot like bottling issues up and putting them to the back of your mind but maybe that is a way to a less stressful life. Ignorance is bliss?

27 days GF and still pretty confident I can keep this up but a couple of others on here who have unfortunately wobbled recently makes me realise this is not a given and I need to keep my guard up and not get complacent.

Driving into work today and there was a piece on radio about review of FOBT maximum stakes in betting shops. These were not my downfall as it was online betting for me but even the discussion of problem gambling and the gambling industry started to really upset me to point I thought I was going to break down in tears and started feeling sick in my stomach. Switched it off obviously but my physical reaction to anything relating to gambling now is quite startling. £100 a spin every 20 seconds though - how can anyone defend that? How many people do the gambling industry think can afford to "gamble responsibily" at £100 a spin that need the terminals in every corner bookies? No different to me spinning away £250 on a roulette wheel online but not sure that was very responsible either. Ah, but of course we should not stop everyone else having "fun" because we can't control ourselves - we are the problem, not the gambling industry who are just trying to defend jobs (sarcasm, the lowest form of wit). I need to stop thinking about this. Gambling industry is a big powerful evil thing that I can't fight so run and hide is my best defense.

Lovely meal out with wife last night for anniversary. Back quite early as I am old and it is a school night but we seem to be getting back on track and planning stuff for future together again. Think we are going to get through this.

Been rubbish at my speed walking last few days as too busy.

Day 28 GF, nearly a month or 25% of the period of time I gambled irresponsibily.

So impatient to put this behind me and just consider this is the point in my life I decided I will never gamble again. I am so certain and my willpower is so strong that I won't touch the flames of gambling that it is difficult to explain.

Went to cinema last night and on way to car my wife popped to the ladies which happened to be in the foyer of a 10 pin bowling centre. I stood for a moment waiting and then suddenly realised I was stood in an area full of arcade games including fruit machines, slot machines and what looked to me as FOBTs (probably lower stake ones?). I had no urge to play any of them, never been my thing even when I was out of control, but I did move away from them immediately, felt something along the lines of guilt being seen near them by my wife. I stood and watched the people bowling instead. Wife came out and made some offhand comment like "did you win then?" and my mind instantly thought she was referring to the machines. I went to start denying I had touched them but before I spoke realised she had probably been joking about the bowling. Paranoid or what?

Keep strong everyone - this whole forum is enough evidence that gambling is pain, despair and wrecked lives.

Hello, everyone. I'm sorry if I am posting in the wrong place but I am new to the site and figuring out how it all works. I have come over from Rethink Gambling, another self help forum which has recently been took offline. I am 80 days gamble free.

I really hope everone sticks with it and I wish you all the very best in your recovery.