This topic is going to be tough to write. Although it's only been two days, the last 48 hours have been very tough and I'm not proud that I sat in self pity. For anyone reading this it's going to be quite long but I need to share and get something said out loud, or at least in text. It written from the heart today and not the anger of the last 48 hours.
One of my biggest fears is that people think I have a big ego. I probably did when I was gambling to cover it up but it's not who I am.Â
Anyone who has read my diary will know that I've done a lot of work on myself. I recognised that I couldn't switch the light off after 44 years but I wanted to and have done through this work.Â
Two days ago I woke up with thoughts of all the people who have said I am only in early recovery. Notice the word only. I will always label myself in early recovery as I'm always only half an hour away from a bet. I don't care if anyone is on day one or ten years off, everyone is only a short period of time away from a bet.Â
Added to this I had two calls about different situations where comments were taken the wrong way so I pulled out of both and won't take part anymore.Â
It led me to a state of self pity .
I went to a zoom last night and for the first time ever I turned my camera off and didn't speak. I went to GA and did not call out my days gamble free, scared that someone might say something about early recovery which always comes from someone years in with an ego. When I shared, I said that since November I've been to 250 GA rooms which was arrogance. That's all i said for the whole meeting and I left straight afterwards like a spoilt child who wanted to throw his toys out of the pram.Â
I have a problem where people use the word but rather than and. For instance Stuart is a compulsive gambler but worked hard. That's an apology for the first part of the sentence.Â
This morning I have woken up and learned a bit of acceptance. I am not the conductor of the orchestra. Not only do people not know my back story but I don't know theirs and it doesn't matter. They can say what they like and I accept that it's their opinion and I can't change that. I can make sure it doesn't become negative on my recovery.Â
For two days I've not posted on Gamcare or Evive because I get shot at when I like my head up. I write to get stuff out of my head and help where I can. That's me as a person being myself. For 48 hours they have made me be Irene
It's my journey and no one elses. What people think of me is up to them but I must not let it affect my recovery
Thank you , I’m new here. So can’t work the site out. I will see if I can work it out to do my own dairy. Thank you for the support 😀
Hello mands,
Welcome to the forum - good to have you here.Â
If you're on the homepage of the forum, you will see a list of forum topics - when you scroll down this list, you will see 'Recovery diaries'. If you click on the link, hopefully you will then be able to post your story on there.Â
Let us know if you have any difficulties by emailing us at forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk.
Take care,
Claire
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