I've been here before, started a diary a couple of years ago and although slipped up a few times managed to stay away from gambling and got my life back. Family life was good, savings in the bank, didn't have to worry about no money left for the rest of the month.
In the beginning of August the blocker expired for my laptop.... and the rest is history. I had no urges at the time, I had no excuse to do it. Once I started it escalated out of control.
Not nearly as much damage as I've done previously, just used the last of my money to purchase another filter for a year, it's payday on Tuesday and if I hadn't, I know I would have that all spent on online slots, I have proven I can't be trusted. All savings gone and debts creeping up again.
Someone once told me if you go back to gambling after being abstinent you will spend more money on a bet than previously, well I've found out the hard way, its absolutely true.
I've beat my self up, cried as much as I'm going to, I can stay sorry for myself or move on and I've chose to move on.
I'm not bitter about the money I've thrown away, just disappointed in me, will I ever be rid of this!!
Never been a fan of the counting days but will give it a try, so here is Day 1, more determined than ever
Thanks Klamm your right, better to start from day 1 than to carry on gambling.
Day 2 has began,feeling much the same today, dwelling on recent times, I've got to make the change and kick the cycle. I thought the first time I went back to it that I could control how much I spent and limit myself to around 20 and come straight off, as soon as I had spent the money I just kept putting more and more in, I truly have proved to myself I cannot control it and even when I do win I never ever bank it as I'm too greedy and want more. I loved the feeling of not gambling when I was abstinent and enjoyed life again and totally detest the feeling when I'm not, I just have to keep that thought as close to me as I can and never forget. Never becoming complacent again, it just does not work!!
Renewing the blocker on my laptop gave me a great sense of relief, I actually felt my shoulders relax, I should have never let it expire, I will continue to renew it every year for as long as I can.
Been reading some diaries and a common theme for some is people relapsing, we all have to learn by our mistakes, so if it takes us a few times - so be it, we will eventually get there, this site has helped me before and I'm sure it will help again.
First goal for me is to get through day 2
I sincerely wish every one recovering here well on their journey.
Got paid on Tuesday and had no desires to gamble. Paid for a block on my mobile over 2 months ago and it's not compatible, still waiting for a refund so the temptation could be there with my phone, I have to be strong.
Day 5 hopefully the days will pass quickly, not going to worry about the debt as I know how that can make me want to gamble to get money but I know where that can lead.
I need to quit the smoking as well but will deal with that when I'm stronger, don't want to quit too many things at once or else I will loose focus. Quite annoyed with myself as I put a cigarette burn in my mini car seat today, It will cost me a fortune to get it fixed, my own fault.
Hoping to wake up in a better mood tomorrow, feeling low just now, it's just one thing after another. Tommorow is a new day an early night and a good nights sleep should help
Surprised myself tonight, logged on to my diary and didn't realise I was a week in today gamble free, thought I was only on day 6.
Pay day on Tuesday and I've not spent a penny on gambling, the awful feelings from my last episodes of messing up are still too raw, I just hope I can continue this.
I have a large amount of money to pay out this month not related to gambling and once I get that over and done with money wont be as tight each month.
Back to work on Thursday after having 3 weeks holidays so that should take my mind off things, too much time on my hands to think can be dangerous, have to think of ways to keep myself occupied in my spare time.
Till my next entry
Well here I am back again, I managed approx 6 months gf, was so proud of myself, managed to drop my debts and accumulate a small amount of savings, have been on holiday and have booked another for next month. None of this would have been possible before. Problem is I've only I fell back into gambling when I got greedy one day at the end of May, I am just so sick of myself, I just don't know what to do, no matter what blocks are in place I always find a way around them. I seem to now have an obsession with money, constantly checking my bank and if I have to pay anything out I try and gamble it so I don't touch my savings, even putting it on credit cards when I can afford to pay for it, I think I'm going crazy, I just don't know what else to do I keep letting myself down time and time again. I hate what gambling has done to me and others on here, I know it's only me who can stop this,I just don't think I have the willpower anymore. On the plus side I've stopped smoking for 5 months. This is all or nothing for me from now on. Tomorrow I start again in day 1 and possibly join the challange, taking one day at a time again. My first goal is to get through tomorrow gf,
Well done on coming back. I've had an absolutely torrid time. I hope we can both help each other and get through life gamble free.
Hi
No matter when your last bet was, no matter if you have no money, keep going to meetings.
It is the healthiest place for people who are vulnerable.
Regards Dave
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