Must be horrible being useless

Dear ARightMug, 

Thank you for posting; I am pleased to hear you sounding so positive after your initial posts; you have had some great advice and support from others on the forum too.

I just wanted to add our support to you too; if you have not already done so, perhaps you'd like to contact the helpline either via the live chat or on 0808 8020 133 both of which are available 24/7 and we can go through additional options with you including, as you mentioned earlier, free treatment support. 

Wishing you all very best,

Helen

Forum Admin

Given up counting the days. Every day is so hectic it’s not on my mind. So pleased to be out of that cycle. Mentally it is doing wonders for me. I’m in the room with my family but I’m ACTUALLY in the room if you know what I mean.

Spoke to Gamcare last night about arranging some counselling. Wife has been amazing, we’re communicating etc we’ve always had a good relationship, we’ve always talked and laughed but I feel closer than ever to her. Her compassion and help she’s giving me is truly awe inspiring for me. I don’t deserve but I love her so much for it.

It kills me inside what I’ve done to her, I won’t do it to her again. I just won’t. I, her or the kids don’t deserve it.

Mug

Don’t know what day it is, but I’m further away from that awful epicentre. Had my phone referral for counselling today. I speak to them again next week.

My wife & I had another talk last night, we’re communicating well & I’m under no illusions personally & from her what needs to happen. 

Sleeping better, persistent headaches have subsided, my aches are my physical from work rather than mental ones which is down to the huge burden being lifted. Doing something I didn’t want to do but had no way out (or so I thought)

My baby daughter is growing fast & she will have a father she can rely on. 

So pleased to hear that. Very best wishes. 

Regards Chezzy 

Hey there, things are sounding more positive. Keep up the good work pal.

Thank you for the replies, they really help.

I’m feeling anxious quite a bit because of how my wife might be feeling (suffering) its not a nice feeling but totally deserved.

I know she’s still really angry with mr and I’ve constantly begged for the time to prove to her I’m the person she knows I can be.

Ive never wanted time to go by so fast in my life. I want my wife to be proud of me. I want her to believe in me again.

This will all need to be earned. Have no thoughts of gambling, have no wish to do it.

I continue to read the forum and wince at the destruction this insidious addiction causes.

Hang in there everyone, keep ploughing ahead, eventually you’ll reach calmer waters. Gamble and you’ll capsize and drown. It’s as simple as that.

Please don't pressure her. I know you don't see constantly begging and making promises that way but I can near guarantee she won't.

Wanting her to be proud of you and believe in you are huge asks. The truth is it may never happen. As far as I'm concerned Mr L is now doing the things he should have been doing all along. That's it. He can look at the bank accounts or the savings (all in my sole name) any time he likes (never asks) but he's never going to be trusted with more than access to limited funds in the joint account again. He's fine with that. Accepts it as a consequence to the way he behaved.

I have been fighting man flu (at least I hope) think it’s due to the situation, feeling a bit down, but I’m fighting it as fight is all I want to do. 

This is the first time it’s dawned on me what my behaviour has done to my loved ones and it’s truly gut wrenching. A constant punch in the gut but something tells me this is a positive. It’s a true disconnect from the addiction. Usually it’ll say ‘don’t worry you’ll win big’ now all I want to do is earn money and never waste it again to that awful cancer.

It won’t get me ever again. Just words for people to roll their eyes to, but not for me.

Mug

Feeling really positive about 2021 I have a spring in my step and it’s all thanks to my wife. Keep going everyone, put the blocks in place, get support, you can do this.

Mug

Mug here. Oh how my eyes have finally opened. Why have I wasted a lifetime on this ridiculous quest. I’m really tired at the moment & suffering with aches and pains but they’re happy things. Work going well, looking after the kids, going for walks with my wife with no worries about being asked to go into the bank. It’s so mentally cathartic. I hope everyone is doing okay. My birthday was awful this December and I won’t be able to give my wife the Christmas she deserves this year but wait until next year 😉

She’s just asked me if I have any urges. I’ve not had one, a clear sign I’m heading in the right direction.

Don’t leave doors open people, be totally transparent with your partner/family re finances. If you’re not gambling you’ve got nothing to hide or be afraid oh.

Christmas will be tough for some of us. Hang in there, 2021 will be our year.

(Was) A right mug.

We had an argument today. I was being grumpy. Just little things bringing me down but the wife recognises this as a potential reaction to a fortune lost gambling. She had every reason to ask, but I had no fear in my answer. Everyone gets grumpy from time to time but mine will no longer be gambling related. Hopefully she won’t think like that in time to come and it must be horrible for her second guessing what’s caused any emotion in me up or down, but it’ll never be due to gambling. 

Keeping busy, trying to earn for the family. One week until the big day. We can do this everyone.

It started off with me receiving a text from work asking why I needed the accounts office keys at work on Christmas Eve. That then went onto suspicion that I’d stolen cash from work to pay for Christmas. That’s how low my stock is in the eyes of my wife but I’ll prove her wrong. Thanks to her we had a wonderful Xmas day, exhausting but amazing.

I’m on furlough soon so I’ll be able to concentrate even more on recovery. So busy at the moment and I definitely don’t miss that horrible gambling world.

Enjoy the rest of the holidays people.

Hi Arightmug, there will be bumps in the road. The only way to regain some trust from your wife is to carry on being honest and truthful with her . It's taken my husband a good few months to start to trust me again so give her time and space . You cannot control what she thinks but you can control how you think and act  I understand it's not a nice feeling being accused of things the first few weeks after my husband found out were grim but we are getting there . It's the lies and deceit I think that's the hardest part for them to cope with. Keep it going keep the barriers up and don't let the addiction close ever again. Read your first posts how desperate you were you're doing well now , keep going it will pay off.

It really doesn't take a lot to spook a partner. It's a natural consequence. Mr L has had his share of interrogations on anything even slightly out of the ordinary. Thankfully none of them have come to anything untoward but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop asking whatever I need to know for my own reassurance. No-one can promise you when or even if you'll be trusted again but keep being honest and open.

Hi everyone,

Thought I’d check in. Baby is going to be one next month. Time has flown by and how good it has a felt to be a dad to her, to actually be in the room mentally with her and not in the grip of hating myself for gambling. For the first time in my adult life I have take back control, enough is enough, it’ll never take another penny of money or an ounce of time from my life. There have been plenty of difficult moments this year for us and previously I would have seeked solace in the chest of gambling but no more.

A couple of times the wife has confronted me. Once when I was in a bad mood and once when it still had a gambling company on my favourite on the computer but then she saw it was from 2 years ago. It’s so relaxing to say let’s go online and go through the accounts and credit reports knowing there is nothing to worry about. I have no problem with her wanting to go through everything, she has access but it sets her mind at ease when we go through our finances.

Finances wise, we were able to buy a new car, save for a deposit on a house and now we’re looking for a new house and all because my dumb head finally realised gambling will only ruin my life. That ridiculous pipe dream of a big win doesn’t exist and if I did I’d just blow it all.

I know people will read this and naturally think the beast is just waiting but that’s something we always tell ourselves to give us the option of messing up. Own it and accept we can’t do it again. We make the decision to lapse, we have the power to say no.

It’s the best thing you’ll ever do.

Former Mug