My Diary!

Thanks for the posts on my diary. Day 85 has been really busy and I'm currently on break in work. There will be no bets today!

Hey Phil, you have not posted for a while, how's it going

Take care and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

Day 86 was a disaster and after just over two weeks total madness I'm back on day 1 and need to get a grip before I spiral further out of control! I have been a totally different person during the last 2 weeks and not in a good way. Gambling turns me into a horrible person and just stops me functioning as a normal human being. Things have been so good in work and with my girlfriend and then wham gambling takes hold and the urges to gamble make it hard for me to get to work or see my girlfriend at the times I have planned. I need to get a grip today, I can't keep doing this to myself. 85 days without a bet and life was brilliant and I was happy. Recovery makes life good, gambling destroys everything and rots me away as a person.

I go back to day 86, things had gone so well I was coping and dealing with my urges so well. Then on a shopping trip to buy a new tv I find the 500 pounds in my pocket suddenly starts to put thoughts in my mind and they take over and I just can't think of anything but gambling. I head to a bookies and spend about 5 hours gambling, at the end of this I've made 500 profit so I go and buy my 'free' tv. The next day I spend with my girlfriend and I don't think about gambling. The day after I lose the 500 that I won and I think to myself never again! Over the coming days I lose 500 and borrow another 1000 which I also lose, I find myself leaving work early to gamble, missing days to gamble and I'm digging myself a huge hole. On Friday I win 2300 and instantly pay back 750 of what I borrowed, then yesterday lose the rest on an afternoon of madness.

So I find myself today at a crossroads today and I have to make the right choice. The money is gone now and when I get paid next week I can afford to pay back the 250 I owe and will not be short of money going forwards because I have enough as long as I don't gamble. Or I could continue this destructive, crazy madness that turns me into a crazy horrible person. Continuing the madness will see me skint and accumulating more debts and ultimately destroy me and hurt people around me. So back to basics for me, I need to do whats worked before and make this day one count. Today I will not gamble and I must make that daily choice. I can't ever have that one gamble and take the money and stop again because a win just leads to more and more until I lose it all and far more in the later days, weeks and months.

No bets today!

Hi Phil,

You have slipped but another important lesson learnt my friend.you realise what could happen if you continued down that path, but you have made that choice to stop and write on your diary, well done for posting, could not have been easy.

Back to basics and making that important choice on a daily basis, is the way to keep going forwards, put this right behind you,

Just one suggestion, nothing changes if nothing changes, are you going to try another method now, ie keeping that triangle permantly broken, even after months, of being gamble free, it surely helps me when the thoughts appear, and this gives me time to keep my rational head on and choose no, that 500 in cash was that addictions big chance to let you make that wrong choice.and as we know we only have to do it once, to be back in the grip.Just my thoughts Phil.

Walking along side with you on this sometimes difficult journey and sending you extra strong and positive thoughts today.

Suzanne xxx

Day 2 and thanks for the feedback and support GT and Suzanne. As for changing things this may be something I need to look into. When I went to purchase the tv I was meant to have company but got let down on my way, I would not have carried that much cash had I known this would happen. As a result from nowhere I just totally lost the plot! One thing I will do is write a letter to myself, seal it and place it in my car glovebox. If I ever get into that crazy place again I will open it and read it. The letter will remind me of whats recently happened and what will happen to me if I place that next bet. Aside from that my wages will be kept by my mum and I need to ask for small amounts at a time and avoid reading any gambling literature. I don't have the time to gamble at the mo, but when I lose the plot like I just have I find gambling comes before everything and I can't live life like this.

One thing that did happen on Saturday for the first time in 19 years as a gambler was that the lad working in the bookies asked me if I was alright as I had been placing a lot of bets and maybe I should think about self excluding. I wish I had been asked this back when I was 16! He genuinely seemed to care so this is a positive step and I hope more bookies staff act the same in the future as if this helps even a small amount of people its worthwile.

So no bets for me today, got to get my mind back to a good place!

Right back to square one for me, its crazy things were so positive and life was so good and then I had that one slip and because I won its just spiralled into a huge mess for me. All I want to do is gamble and get huge wins, its taken over my mind and totally changed me as a person. On Tuesday I borrowed 300 off a friend and blew the lot, then yesterday I took out an 800 loan at a ridiculous interest rate which was also blown in the bookies. I now have to repay 150 a month for 12 months and its payday today and I owe 550 that I borrowed from friends. What a stupid fool I am, I never ever learn. I just don't want to keep doing this to myself, I make life a living hell for myself. I had 96 great days, had weekends away, booked a holiday, bought loads of lovely Christmas gifts, had loads of great nights out and then wham I choose to gamble and make my life a pitiful existance!

Despite my debts I earn a good wage and if I make that daily choice not to gamble I can manage and may have to miss out this month, but going forwards financially I will be fine. I can't slip up again, I just can't do this to myself! I don't want to gamble, I don't want the crazy thoughts to come into my head and take over! I feel rotten today, I have work later but don't feel like leaving the house.

Making the daily choice not to gamble really is a gift, it makes life a million times better, I can be calm, I can be happy and I can have normality. That small choice brings so many rewards, I have got to get my head together and make that choice each and every day. If I continue on my current path I will lie to get my wages and blow all my wages very quickly, I can't do that to myself. Today I will choose recovery, I have got to make it my daily choice. I think I also need to give the counselling another try.

Very low today, got to make sure I don't gamble today!

Hi Phil

​Sorry to hear the cycle continues. Did you ever check out those GA rooms near you. Maybe sound out Gary, he attends in Liverpool & pretty sure he will be going tonight

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I have got to the end of day one and with how bad I have been lately thats a big achievement for me, now bedtime looms and waking up on day two will happen, another day where I need to make the right choices and fight any urges that come along. This afternoon and evening in work has been tough, part of me was wanting to leave work early, get hold of my bank card and go put a few bets on. Thankfully I fought off the urges and just kept thinking to myself 'I can't win because I can't stop'. This stupid loan I got yesterday has a 14 day grace period where I can cancel it, doing so would save me £1056 in interest and only have to pay back the 800. I can't really afford to pay that back but it would make massive sense for me to do so if I can find a way to do it. I need to think straight and get back to how I was before my slip on that Friday afternoon a few weeks back.

I have called and arranged some counselling so I hope that helps me. As for the GA day@atime it is something I really should do, but my rota makes it impossible to go to the same meeting every week. My local meeting is on a Thursday night, but I only get two Thursdays off every six weeks (the same pattern applies to every day of the week, I get two off in six). If only GA had morning sessions as that would enable evening workers to attend. I would clearly prefer to attend the same meetings so I get to feel part of the group!

Hi Phil,

Sorry to read this and didn't want to not reply. Your inspiring posts on the Challenge last year were a big help in my recovery and I can feel the current pain through your words.

With regards to the GA meetings, we have lots of active members who can only attend sporadically due to shift patterns. It shouldn't be a barrier to you so I'd really consider it if I were you. We have an active what's app group where people stay in touch and are able to share stories/thoughts that keep the illness at bay.

Besides, outside of the official meetings, you can always catch up with members over the phone, a coffee, or something similar. The GA fellowship began with 2 individuals meeting and talking, it doesn't have to be much more than that.

Take care Phil...help and support is never far away.

Day 2 and another challenging day ahead! I'm currently watching the tennis rooting for Murray to win which is helping keep my mind off gambling and I'm headed for work soon. Part of my wants to skip work and go to the bookies and I keep thinking about one last win to get me out of a hole. My head is telling me go big on Man Utd tonight and then I won't have such a tight month financially. I must fight this, I need to stay in work till the end of my shift as then I will be safe. I can't continue this spiral towards oblivion, things have been getting better for me, I need to stop the madness.

I need to fight today, I must not gamble today!

Garyl1976 wrote:

Hi Phil,

Sorry to read this and didn't want to not reply. Your inspiring posts on the Challenge last year were a big help in my recovery and I can feel the current pain through your words.

With regards to the GA meetings, we have lots of active members who can only attend sporadically due to shift patterns. It shouldn't be a barrier to you so I'd really consider it if I were you. We have an active what's app group where people stay in touch and are able to share stories/thoughts that keep the illness at bay.

Besides, outside of the official meetings, you can always catch up with members over the phone, a coffee, or something similar. The GA fellowship began with 2 individuals meeting and talking, it doesn't have to be much more than that.

Take care Phil...help and support is never far away.

Thanks so much for the post Gary, your words mean a lot on a really challenging day! Could you please let me know what nights, times and locations there are in the Liverpool area for GA. I'm on a rotating rota and next off on Monday and Tuesday next week. Then the following week I will be off Sunday and Monday, my rota follows this pattern and each week I go back a day if that makes sense. So it means I could go to a group on the same day for two weeks running but then the next week would have to attend on a different night.

Hi,

All the meetings are on the GA website for now. I've been to a Monday meeting before which is a good one. That's 7.15-9.15 at St Nick's church on Chapel St.

Lots of members just attend one meeting that suits them...others attend a few meetings to get a differing perspective. All have a slightly different vibe but with the same goal.

Garyl1976 wrote:

Hi,

All the meetings are on the GA website for now. I've been to a Monday meeting before which is a good one. That's 7.15-9.15 at St Nick's church on Chapel St.

Lots of members just attend one meeting that suits them...others attend a few meetings to get a differing perspective. All have a slightly different vibe but with the same goal.

Ok thanks, I will give the next two Mondays a go, then I will have to try another meeting the following week.

Good choice Phil. I posted a piece about GA on the overcoming section explaining what to expect & how to get the most from it. Might help. Keep safe.

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Hi Phil

I'm lucky I can get to the same GA meeting every week but i do go to others meetings as well. Which is better than going to the same one it freshens it up and you get to hear from different people with different stories and perspective on things so mixing up meetings in no bad thing in my opinion

have a look at Dans post about GA it's a good post

KTF