My Diary!

I've just left work early and blown another 550, I'm in this deeper than ever and I can't seem to regain any sort of control. Winning so much last Friday has as usual created a huge knock on effect and I feel so ashamed and such a fool. Where do I go from here? I'm sat in my car not wanting to face anyone right now, I need to own up to my family but I can't face the abuse and the upset this will bring to them. My position financially can be fixed relatively quickly, however if I continue as I am then I'm going to build another mountain of debt and lies and deciet! I don't want this life, I don't want to be this person anymore, I can't keep doing this to myself!

Phil, phone GamCare, you're already going to the meeting Monday & you know that keeping this a secret will just encourage the voice of addiction to keep pushing you back to chase! It's going to be hard to tell people (again) but you need (your mum I believe it is who has your money) to help you keep your barriers high whilst you get through these first few crazy days! The only control you can ever hope to have in regards to gambling is to choose 'No' everyday...You know how to do it, don't let addiction lie & tell you you can't!

You can do it - ODAAT

Phil.

Fella it's not about the money, my advice my old friend is you need to work on what is driving that punt?

The feeling of winning is for us in my opinion a very short lived buzz,it's for me not about winning but the escape.

What are you running from or seeking through returning to action?

You state that the financial situation is quickly rectifable, the truth is it is always the quickest thing to fix.

You need help my friend, there's a wealth of it out there,but the truth is only you can take it.

The alternative is further destruction, I walked through those shoes, I gambled to the point of total devastation, the result always the same.

No win will ever satisfy addiction, addiction will always want just one more punt.

The door of recovery revolves fella, it's up to you.

I sincerely hope that you make the right choice.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Duncs, thanks for the post, I can honestly say unless theres something subconscious I'm not running away from anything or seeking anything. Life was going along great for the 95 days I had stopped gambling and it was full of fun and excitement, I had done more things than I had in all my gambling years combined. I didn't have any urges, I was asking for small amounts of money at a time, life was fantastic. But then wham I get 500 pounds to buy a tv and all I can think about is gambling. It came from nowhere, the urge took me by shock and just took control of me. So I can't see why it came or that I was running from anything, my life really was the best it had been for a long time.

Thanks ODAAT, I actually spoke to a friend who used to post on here last night and she was a huge help.

I'm really at breaking point now, I can gamble myself to oblivion or I can get some sense or normality back into my mind. I can lie, cheat and borrow as much money as possible and dig myself another huge hole, this is what the old me would do. I can tell I'm on the verge of really messing things up.

So its day one again, I'm in work later and I won't be giving myself any access to money today. Got to get my head straight!

Phil.

Fella addiction will happily lay dormant until the opportunity arises for it to re enter the fray, what I was alluding to was the fact that you had the blocks in place to make this possible.

As I wrote this is like peeling any of countless pages from my own gambling life.

When I came here I believe that I did the same, believing that arresting the next punt was the cure.

I believe that this is untrue, I only myself found change the first day I embraced recovery as a life choice.

Today I see the gift it is, I no longer let addiction have the ability to make my mind see life in recovery as a punishment of sorts.

What I suggested and will again is use the time of abstinence to dig deep as to why addiction overtook the rational thinking and work on it because you will without doubt have to face the situation you find yourself in again and again.

Recovery is indeed bespoke, if I am barking up the wrong tree,then as said many times dump the irrelevant and keep the rest.

I wish you well my friend.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for the post Duncs. One thing I must emphasise is that I don't see life in recovery as a punishment, every prolonged period in recovery has been a wonderful time. The punishment is happening now and has been since I slipped up on that Friday. I'm currently a broken man, life is a misery and it's only going to get worse unless I get to grips with this. Im telling myself to try and get as much money as possible so I can gamble again and go in big for one last win to get me out of a hole. Clearly that won't happen as all I will do is keep gambling till I lose everything!

Tomorrow I will be speaking to a counsellor and attending GA. I don't want to live life like this, I accept I have a problem and I want to deal with it.

Hope it goes well with your councillor today Phil, and you have a good positive experience at the GA meeting.

Take care my friend.

Suzanne xxx

I'm now on 8 days since I last gambled, 8 very low days and days on which I couldn't gamble because I have not had a penny on me. I didn't get to GA but I do have my first counselling session this week. I need to think hard about asking for an early finish every Thursday so I can attend my local GA meeting week in week out. This will cost me about 120 a month in lost earnings which isn't great but less than I lose gambling. Driving further afield to meetings on different nights of the week just doesn't work for me. I need to come clean to my parents about my slip which will result in a huge argument but I've been putting it off and need to get it done today. Need to get the craziness out my mind and settle back into the stress free and enjoyable life prior to my slip ups.

Keep strong Phil, you can do this:))

Take care and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

Day 10 and just finished counselling! I went in with huge urges and wanting to bet today. I walked out with no urges and feeling so much better. The counsellor used EFT techniques and they really worked for me, I'm excited to learn more and have more sessions. Great to feel so much better in myself!

Bornagain wrote:

I'm now on 8 days since I last gambled, 8 very low days and days on which I couldn't gamble because I have not had a penny on me. I didn't get to GA but I do have my first counselling session this week. I need to think hard about asking for an early finish every Thursday so I can attend my local GA meeting week in week out. This will cost me about 120 a month in lost earnings which isn't great but less than I lose gambling. Driving further afield to meetings on different nights of the week just doesn't work for me. I need to come clean to my parents about my slip which will result in a huge argument but I've been putting it off and need to get it done today. Need to get the craziness out my mind and settle back into the stress free and enjoyable life prior to my slip ups.

How did the chat go with your parents?

The chat was a help triangle, I needed to be honest as the more lies I tell the deeper and deeper I get into a hole. So no need to lie anymore and hopefully I can progress from here.

Hi Phil,

I am sorry to see that you have been struggling with your addiction. I am pleased to see that you had a moment of clarity and were able to re-focus your mind on recovery. I hope you are up to day 16 by now. If not, so be, make it day one.

I just received an e-mail from Netflix saying that BCSII is now available to watch - I am sure you will know what that means as I think you are the only other person I know who likes it! Maybe a small but welcome distraction to help you on your way. I wil be watching tonight. Let me know what you think. Mark.

I have had a horrible January and an even worse February. I ran up huge debts, struggled to get to work on time or at all due to crazy urges that took over my mind. Mentally I have been drained and life has been a huge struggle. I was paid last Friday and cleared my debts and then used the rest of my wages for a crazy gambling binge which kept me in a bookies all day Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I somehow survived with some money left and I need to put the madness behind me and start enjoying life again. Gambling will destroy everything so I'm choosing to put the last two months behind me and make today a positive and fresh start!

So day one and the money I have on me will be deposited into the bank safely out of my hands. I will also self exclude from the three local bookies that I have been using. I'm still going to my counselling so that will continue each Wednesday. I need to get back into a routine of going into work in a positive frame of mind and on time. I need to be happy (wasn't so long ago life was unbearable due to financial strains, I'm in such a better place financially today). I need to give GA a go starting from this Thursday night.

This month I have a holiday to look forward to and I'm going to go on it with a clear mind not in gambling mode. March will be a positive month, I'm putting all my craziness of the last two months behind me! Day one and I am back and ready to fight, no bets today!

Just been into a local bookies to exclude and they gave me a leaflet on a new scheme to exclude myself from a large number of local bookies. So I called the number and gave them a long list of local bookies that I may use and they are now processing a 12 month exclusion from them all. A good start for me and I feel much better for doing it!