Today I am on day 12 of being gambling free. I've been a gambler for around 9 years. I feel free but don't quite know how to handle this massive void in my life. I'm now without gambling and also my two sons have recently left home to go to university. It seems all I've known for the past 9 years has now left me. After posting on the new members forum, I received a reply from another member with some much needed advice. They suggested I work full-time as I'm currently part-time self-employed working from home. I cannot manage to work full-time due to a health problem I have to manage. They also suggested I get a new hobby, so now I've found myself thinking about what I used to enjoy and what I can do. I used to enjoy cycling years ago so I'm determined I'm going to dust off my cycle and get out and about. This is more difficult than it sounds as I'm not always comfortable leaving the house - it's not impossible, just extremley difficult for me. The member also said they'd personally started an Open University degree to help with recovery. It reminded me that I was due to start an OU course in January next year but backed out due to lack of funds, confidence and time. I'm now considering starting a course in October next year. This afternoon, life feels more positive than it was this morning. I'm now aiming to get past tomorrow when I have an amount of money due into my account. Normally, I spend the lot on online slots. Tomorrow will be different as it has been since 16th October. I've put an action plan into place. I've made a list of everything the money is to be spent on, including a few small treats as well as paying towards some debts and then my regular bills. I keep looking at the list to remind myself everything I have to lose. I've lost too much already, not only financially. I lost my confidence and self-esteem years ago when my house was re-possessed, a very public humiliation. I'm not going to focus too much on the past as I realise I casnnot turn back the clock. Someone once told me glance back but look forwards. Great advice.
Here we go, day 13 of being gamble free. It was difficult in the early hours of this morning when my earnings went into my account but I did it, so pleased with myself. For today anyway. I'm now going to aim to get to day 16 because that's the day after my partner is paid his monthly wage. In the early hours of this morning I went through my list of everything I wanted and needed to do with my earnings and sytematically went through it all, ticking off bills paid, items ordered one by one. The further I went down the list, the better I felt and I kept telling myself how well I was doing and to keep going. I can't quite believe I have money in my account to pay for my food shop and at the moment I'm not tempted to gamble it away. I've put blockers on my PC's but cannot put a blocker on my Blackberry phone, don't know why, I must try and work it out for if I do get tempted. I've also self-excluded from all of my 'favourite' sites and a few more besides so I hope this will be enough of a deterrent for the future.
I have very mixed emotions just now. I'm pleased I'm still gamble free. I'm also sad because my elderly Grandma is very ill in hospital. I need to try and go and see her. Up until around 5 years ago we had a good relationship, she's a real character. However, 5 years ago I lent some money from her to stop a bailiff from taking everything I owned. I've only just managed to pay her back. This saddens me so much, all the years I should've been paying the money back, I chose to gamble it away instead. Understandably, my Grandma chose to be unkind to me over my debt to her. She doesn't know I'm a gambler. I'm not going to come clean to her now, it's not necesary and it's too late but I would like to make amends. I have seen her over this 5 years, just not as often as I used to. That's it for today, too emotional to carry on writing and aware when I get too low I'm likely to relapse. Day 14 tomorrow.
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