My diary - Climbing out of the hole

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(@Anonymous)
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Hi mate,

Forget what happened and give up the wacky backy a little later if you want, trying to stop both and living at your mums, could be pretty tough, you may feel well fed up 🙂

Here's to your new beginning and have a good weekend.

 
Posted : 9th March 2012 7:09 pm
(@Anonymous)
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A huge well done to you for being honest. This just shows how determined you are to beat this stupid madness.

And by making the right choices, you WILL.

You know why it's bad for you.

You know that you cannot afford to lose.

You know that gambling never works in the long term.

Hope the above makes it easier for you to make the right choices and I am sure that you can think of plenty more.

GT

 
Posted : 9th March 2012 7:14 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Evening dude. Looking for an acoustic guitar - wht should I look out for? I had one years and years ago and put steel strings on it which broke it's neck lol. Tips welcome. Cheers

 
Posted : 9th March 2012 7:26 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Thanks all for leaving some lovely messages over the past day or two. It's nice to see you gettingthere and I will drop some guitar advice on your diary JS.

So it is Saturday night. I told my mother about what happened and she was rightly bemused. She couldn't understand the taking out of such ridiculously priced loans, neither can I!? Although the un-welcomed tension is sometimes there between my mother and I, we have had another pleasant day together. I was lucky in that she had decided to buy a massive Indian selection for us to share whilst watching the rugby. Now if that isn't lucky I don't know what is.

Although I haven't done it yet, (I will after this post) I have asked my mum to enter the password for the blocking software. I am ready. She will also be changing the passwords on her comp, just in case. This really is a huge step forwards. If I choose to think about gambling right now I start to think of how and when. Should I bank my cash and try with just £20 (first small bet). If I have nowhere to play then I just hit a dead end in my thoughts, this is what i need. I know people say there is always a way to play, reinstall windows? but I am confident that I wont do such things. I have excluded myself from all the best poker sites and also after this post I will be doing the same with the last remaining "respectable" site, if there is such a thing. The weed stops in the next few days and I need to make some big and small changes, day by day.

I haven't really done much today, I am still a little sore from recent events. I have started to collate a list of random things to do such as take bits in the garden to the tip and small chores like calling my car insurance to get my fee reduced which is something I should have done when I quit the delivery job. I will also be adding pleasure activities to this, walking in the countryside when the sun is out is top of the list so far. Spring is my favourite time of year and I cant think of a more appropriate time to start.

I have enough cash to cover a few bills going out in a few days time and will be getting paid on Friday which will cover 25% of what I need to pay off these d**n loans. I will try to find a way to get the money myself rather than having to ask someone else to help me out.

My ma is away again for a week, I will have enough cash to get by and some weed which will last me a couple of days so this is the test. I WILL make these first steps and try to filter out my gloomy thoughts and concentrate on the positive ones. This is the test I need, it is also the test that I want, I am alone, it is down to me now and I really want to remember what it is like to simply live.

Courage to you all and I hope your weekend is going swimmingly.

G - Day 3

W - Day 0

 
Posted : 10th March 2012 9:43 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi

Good for you, it warms my heart to see you moving forward.

Hope you enjoyed your dinner, really look forward to your post next Saturday after a week on your own and read that you have another week in your recovery bank.

Take care

Dusty

 
Posted : 10th March 2012 10:27 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Cheers for the guitar advice. You're right about the wide necks - I remmember trying a 12 string about 20 years ago and could barely make my fingers meet in the middle of the frets. I will save up and buy something that sounds nice.

Am chuffed for you that you've got some blocks installed. Don't even think about wiping the drives unless you want to spend 4 hours lokking for all your programme discs, 2 hours reinstalling, 3 hours wondering why stuff doesn't work, an hour sweeping your broken PC off the floor after it has 'an accident' and then 30 minutes walk to the library to use t'internet to let us know what you did. LMAO.

If you get bored when ma is away, shoot some more footage of you playing a toon. You're blessed with a creativity Alexis. So many people would love to have that gift.

S'funny innit!? We've wasted a lot of time chasing something we think we want but, in some ways, we have so much already.

I've been watching DJ technique vids on yt for ages tonight. I have a dream...watch this space 🙂

Sleep well dude

 
Posted : 10th March 2012 11:15 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi,

Been reading through your diary. You're such a young guy and doing great so far. Don't worry too much about a slip. As long as you keep with it, you'll be just fine. Making the right moves so much earlier than I ever did.

Bit of my history for you. Always gambled since 16. Not a serious problem until later. Started drinking and smoking too. Alcoholic by 22. Gave it up. Somebody introduced me to cannabis. Started using, helped me give up the drink. Smoked for years. Gave it up and f**s too. Started gambling heavily. Here I am. Given it up now. Replaced it with love. For myself, my family and friends. True I get a little down at times but I refuse the anti depressants. Trying to fix instead of mask this time Counselling is great.

Anyway sorry for rattling on but I thought this might help. What I am basically saying is address your issues slowly and one at a time. No overnight fixes. Keep as busy as you can. Don't replace one thing for another.

Like I said earlier you're a relatively young man with a great life ahead of you if you stay on the road to recovery. Follow the straight and narrow, boring at times but life so much easier. PS: My mum stopped bailing me out at 40. Don't let this happen to you cos I am full of regrets about it.

Take care mate. IanB.

 
Posted : 10th March 2012 11:32 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Thank you for your post,

At the moment I am reading Killing Hope , cost me pennys on kindle. It's not bad, I tend to read crime and thrillers. A book has to grip me. I love Peter James , but that is because I used to live in Brighton and his Roy Grace series is set in Brighton , so I feel a real sence of being inside the book if you know what I mean. Buying an iPad defo changed my reading habbits, one of the best things I did. It encourages me to read different authors like Conrad jones spider series which I really enjoyed .

I could talk about books and my iPad forever , but I will stop now so as not to bore you.

Like I said yesterday you are doing fantastically, just keep on keeping on and every day it should get that little bit easer.

Have a good one

Dusty

 
Posted : 11th March 2012 8:24 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Alexis, I am doing mad things to fight off the bredom, playstation I pad, etc etc.. We have to keep busy my friend, a blip you had we all & can do that at any time but stay with it, it does get better....

 
Posted : 11th March 2012 12:57 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Thank you Ian for your insight, I read a chunk of your diary and will catch up with you soon, I have been on the chat and posting on others threads tonight but need to update my diary and then call it a day.

I have been in a position many times where I could walk into a shop and buy a PS3 but didn't. I am now thinking of doing so just to distract myself but I don't know whether replacing gambling time for that would lead me to become even more of a cabbage.

I get hooked with games.

I want to throw it out there. Is it a good idea for me?

JS - your applause was a little premature with regards to the blocks being installed! My mother left at midday and I needed her to do it before she left. I reminded her a few times and vice versa over the past couple of days. Anyways, 11am this morning and I load up the computer to self exclude from that final site and download the software. In a flash I am thinking about how I can't let go, this can't be my final time! I was prepared to do it but I tried to deposit anyways, £20 accepted! OK, need a quick buck before I leave forever so I open up the BJ table. Up to about £100 but gone in a 5 minutes. Another £20, lost it. It didn't accept another £20 so I tried £10, no problems. I got it up to £450 but lost it when I started betting £200 a go! For some reason I am finding this amusing, I am actually laughing out loud to myself as I am typing! Is that a deranged sign or an acceptance that I will simply never win.

I wanted that final bite again and am mostly disappointed that I lost my 3 days progress! The £50 plus £40 bank charges that has been added to these loans I must pay shortly doesn't bother me as much.

Needless to say, I was more than happy to install the free betfilter. I didn't have time to mull over the other one and worried it would block places that I may want to visit.

I actually feel a lift now the blocks are in place, it is only a 7 day trial so need to figure something out for the long run. Keep reminding me about it please guys. ; ) I can already envisage my mind working out that once it expires then that door is open again and I find it oh so easy to walk through it.

Feeling positive and looking forward to making this a productive week.

G - Day 0

W- Day 0

 
Posted : 12th March 2012 12:01 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi,

Can feel your frustration. Totally get how difficult it must have been , when the opportunity is right in front of you. Your honesty is inspiring , so what's done is done.

As to replacing gambling with playing Computer games , in my option go for it. So if you end up replacing one addiction for another cross that bridge when you come to it. You need to find something to do that does not have the deverstating effect that gambling does.

Like I said before it is only my option , I too lock myself away and can be a recuse , eating choc biscuits watching Netflix for hours at a time. Is this healthy who cares I am not gambling or drinking. At some point I will have to try to turn those addictions around, I have no doubt that the time will come when I am ready to fight that battle.

The most important thing for you to address at the moment is what you need to do to stop you gambling. You are trying to do this , so fair play to you. It's a bumpy road but keep going you will get there in the end.

Take care

Dusty

 
Posted : 12th March 2012 8:21 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi,

Replacing with PS3 or computer games will be fine in the short term. I did it myself. Remember my football manager post. I see this as positive but can't last forever. Don't smoke too much when you're playing. Take it easy. Try a little relaxation/meditation too. Relaxation CD in headphones, lie down and let yourself go. There is a stop gambling hypnosis CD which is quite good. I will send you my e mail address when I get chance and post it out to you if you want. GC will facilitate that under the radar so to speak. Don't worry I am not some nut. Just wannna help. If not you can buy it for 12 quid! Take care. IanB.

 
Posted : 12th March 2012 9:47 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Alexis5Y20K,

Sorry to hear about your recent slip buddie. Pick yourself up and go again. As for something to do why not take up running. You will probably be in fits of laughter right now but there are fantastic mental and physical benefits to be had from running. You are only 28 - yet to reach your peak. It costs nothing other than a pair of trainers, which I am sure you have a pair of lying around. Running in the great outdoors with nothing but your thoughts. Give yourself a goal i.e. run a 10k six weeks from now or perhaps you could challenge yourself to a half marathon. There are plenty of races all over the country. If you like it you could join a running club full of other members all varying in fitness levels from beginner to seasoned pros. You would get yourself out of the house doing something which is good for your well being and health. I have never went out for a run and not came back feeling happy with myself. Not for everyone but thought I would throw the idea out there. I like to go running on my own especially after a stressful day at work. The more you run the fitter you become and the better you feel. I haven't run in a few weeks partly due to injury and illness but I am going out tonight and can't wait. I put the Ipod on and lose myself for 30-60 mins. I love the light nights and light mornings. Nothing worse than going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark.

 
Posted : 12th March 2012 2:27 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Sorry Ma! I cant pay rent this week as I HAVE to get a PS3 and TV if I want to stop gambling! Read the words above. ; ) Just kidding all!

That has to be the most readily accepted advice I have picked up on GC so far. Lol. I understand that you mean get it at an appropriate time and certainly not before paying back these silly loans.

Thank you Ian for the offer, I will be in touch should I decide to want it in the future. I am glad that it is working for you and haven't ruled it out.

Tomso - All good advice (very in depth) about the running and I understand all of what you say. I used to run when I was young, for my town. It was long distance running, cross country etc but I didn't like it. Maybe it was down to lack of motivation but I just didn't enjoy it. I gave it a go and found it boring. I much prefer ball sports and used to play football for the towns youth team. Over the past couple of years I have visited the football area of my local park on about 8 occasions. Maybe a tennis buddy would be an idea. I've got long arms. Swimming has been my most thought about idea though recently. Tennis in the sun sounds appealing as I think of it now though, maybe a concoction of both is in order. Thanks for sparking off my thoughts Tomso.

I have decided that I need to speak with a councellor. I don't think I am able to fully understand some things on my own. I over-think and have nobody to interject when I start exploring the wrong kind of thoughts where I end up miss-leading myself.

I have a mixed past and it is my past that makes me who I am today. Today, I don't like that person too much. He is a stupid fool. I know who I am underneath and I really like that person, I want him back. It is my decisions that will create the person whom I become, and one of those decisions is to see a councellor.

I need a little bit of help getting through the fog before I can see and be again.

G - Day 1

w - Day 0

 
Posted : 12th March 2012 9:30 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

So it turns out that these two houses I landed are not ready yet. I have wrapped up another job today and now have time off until they are ready or when I get a call from elsewhere. I am off, have cash and money available in my account, I have a little weed, my mother is away. This could be an interesting week. Which way will it go? I decide! I want to be reading my diary passage on Friday whereby I talk of all the things I have achieved, in theory it wont be that much to anyone else but for me it could be milestones.

Although the idea of going to a bookies has popped up on a couple of occasions, I am not letting it go further than a seconds thought. I am happy to sit at my computer with the knowledge that it is clean from all threatening con artists. I haven't really thought about having a gamble or ways of making it happen other than the above.

I can do this.

G - Day 2

W - Day 0

 
Posted : 13th March 2012 7:16 pm
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