My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Well almost the holidays and nearly a fortnight off, always a good time of year to have a decent break when a lot of others are off too so dont have a lot of work to catch up with on return and also I'm quite happy to spend my time watching Christmas films, listening to music, out to local coffee shops and wandering. Although pre-Christmas gambling has in the past caused a lot of problems, I didnt tend to go crazy during the holidays as I was more relaxed and contented.

I'm aware that there is no UK Horse Racing the next 3 days so for the benefit of anyone reading this who gambles on horses and has issues, this is a 3 day opportunity to reflect and consider how your life would be if you stopped gambling on them - to think about what you will do in the next 3 days which is just as enjoyable or more enjoyable ( assuming you do get some fun from it!)

You are not having any luck with your Christmas Day plans. A nightmare for anyone catching COVID but your daughter getting it so close to Christmas is the worst timing 🙁  Hope you can still manage to have a good day, even if your Dad doesn't make it home either. Will you use FaceTime to be in touch with them? And then as you say plan another get together when possible.

I sent a parcel to a relative and they have been in touch to say it was damaged and some of the contents are ruined. Unsure whether just carelessness or someone checking it from a security point of view but it is disappointing when you spend the time and money shopping and sending the gifts.

I tend to listen to both songs and carols about equally but the carols are more prominent after a church visit. I have to score your choice 8 as its a classic. Today I'll go with a lesser known carol than the ones we have quoted so far, you may have to look it up on YouTube  - Candlelight Carol by John Rutter.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

Firstly I want to say how much I value the virtual friendship we have formed over the months this year, means a lot to me 🙂

Hopefully your Dad does get discharged and with a plan of next steps as well.

This morning I had an hour or so of 'panic' - happens every year - my brain asks the question - 'How are you going to spend all this time off for the next fortnight?' and says  'If you had made better decisions and not gambled all your money then the festive period could be better'  but after I re-engage I remind myself that it all works out fine and I always get a lot of benefit from the break from work and that I am a lot better off than a lot of people. I read my 'Stone Of Life' and associated notes, particularly helpful today.

I watched the first episode of the BBC drama 'You Dont Know Me' last night - have you watched it? - thought it was brilliant, lot better than some of the recent average ones.

I'll score your carol 7/10 and as we are getting so close to Christmas, I'll quote 2 today, a carol and a song 🙂 - 'It Came Upon the Midnight Clear' and we can have a dance to 'Another Rock n Roll Christmas' !

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Good that you are getting your preparations done besides the setbacks you have been faced with this week and once again I hope you get good news on your Dad 🙂

I do think it seems that Covid for most at the moment is just the equivalent of a cold or flu so it does makes my opinion of the government actions being OTT even stronger.

My panicked feeling is still a bit off and on - thinking through some of the stuff I usually do when off at this time of year, I do have some feeling of 'same old'. I'm also very aware that whilst I have good memories of enjoyment of just being off work, listening to music and watching films etc., that as with a lot of things throughout the last 30 years, a lot of times were enhanced by gambling - having won decent amount, looking forward to watching an event I had gambled on later that day, gambling in its positive form allowed me to 'suffer' and get through things which most others would have enjoyed naturally, and made some things better than they were, so applies equally to some Christmas holidays pastimes . But also during times like Christmas holidays when I was more naturally easily occupied, the gambling tended to go better. Its a complicated addiction with its ups and downs!

Watched a Christmas film yesterday and another today - of course they tend to have 'perfect' scenarios or at least happy endings so whilst enjoyable, they do prompt some past regret and 'I wish' thoughts 🙁

Did my car checks today - as always on Christmas Day I have around 2.5 hours of driving, with the Christmas songs and hymns playing !!

I recall Dallas but not the spin off but I always preferred Dynasty ;-). I'll score your song 8/10 and today I'll go with the classic Silent Night.

Off to church tonight which will again lift my spirits 🙂

I hope you have the best Christmas Day you can BFF

Hope starts when you are standing in the darkness looking out at the light

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Great that your Dad got home and hope you werent too exhausted and managed to enjoy Christmas Day.

My church service was terrific, if you were allowed a round of applause there were definitely parts which merited it 🙂 and the atmosphere and feel of the air walking back home on return, well you just dont get that any other night but Christmas Eve. So now its songs and carols being played every day until I return to work.

My Christmas Day was a bit different - first time ever I unwrapped the presents which I'd wrapped and did the cooking and the washing-up - signs of my Mother ageing and not feeling great that she was happy for me to just do everything, was only a few years ago her old fashioned ways were such that I shouldn't be lifting a finger... just as well it was only the 2 of us, not sure how well I would have coped cooking for a large family!

Although obviously I've heard of it, I havent seen Love Actually so maybe one to try sometime given your recommendation. Have a few films recorded to get watching and some older ones on DVDs that I can watch again.

Big gambling day today Boxing Day - very likely a lot of newcomers will appear on here after a bad day today and then of course at the start of the New Year, many will resolve to do something about their issues.

Speak soon

It aint going away

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Settling in to holiday mode, get up a bit later, more active than the normal work routine of sitting at a computer screen for 8 hours or so a day, dont 'comfort eat' and feel generally physically better. Telling myself a week tomorrow and a return to work is a long way away.

Many people when on holiday spend more time on their hobbies/interests so it is not any different that gamblers spend more time gambling, with varied results of course. Many years ago, when I spent more time gambling while not working and it proved successful, I convinced myself that work was the problem and if I didnt work everything would be ok. Took me years to work out all the contributory factors, with Yes some periods of stress while in uncomfortable jobs at work being part of the equation, but only part. When the inevitable newcomers come on here after New Year, maybe I can be of assistance to them.

Glad you enjoyed Christmas with your parents and I agree we are at an age now where it is 'role reversal', not something which you see coming and then suddenly its there and you have to adapt.

I'm still playing the festive music and watching Christmas films and getting lost in the season and the nostalgia 🙂

A Very British Scandal is a new drama on my list.

Quote for today - The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace was the day I let everything go

It aint going away

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Still following my holiday mode routine of festive music and films which are mostly American and full of people making cookies and 'happy holidays' and Christmas romances!

Sounds like you got a good New Year planned. Have to say its been many years since I did anything New Years Eve - similar to what you describe from previous, I kind of just treat it as a normal night now, go to bed normal time and get woken up by fireworks at some point. I do have some great memories from the past though 😉

The New Year comes, people cannot wait

They say they'll give up gambling, its gonna be great

No more losses, no more they'll bet

No sleepless nights, no more in debt

But beware of the beast who pretends to sleep 

He will wake up and inside you he'll creep

He'll say just one bet won't do any harm

He'll work his magic, turn on the charm

And before you know bang you have lost

Full of regret and counting the cost

So dont be complacent, dont you dare

Take all the advice and use it, here on Gamcare

It aint going away

Captain 

Happy New Year BFF Tizzy !

I wish you good times and good health for your and your family.

I totally get that you feel fed up - I think many do after their Christmas season is over  - as the saying goes 'Its the most wonderful time of the year' and I believe most enjoy and get benefit irrespective of their issues, gambling or otherwise. I feel quite sad when I take the Christmas tree and decs down before returning to work, there isnt another time of year to rival it for me.

In terms of my daily scoring, I have had one day at a 4 but mostly 6 and 7, although that is inspired by the season. Appreciate your wishes re my mode being more upbeat on average this year.

I havent started watching 'Scandal' yet - basically I dont watch anything which isnt festive until I return to work 🙂

Hope you are having a nice time with your parents.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Glad you were able to resonate with my post to John. As you have said despite our different gambling types, we share many of the same traits, thoughts and experiences. 

Watched the highlights of the Arsenal game and they were definitely very unlucky. Guess you need to take some satisfaction of the improvement to last season though and hanging on to 4th place would be great ?

Been struggling the last couple of days as thoughts of returning to work come into my head. I don’t dislike my work as you know but I could quite happily exist in festive mode for another couple of weeks. Acknowledge that some of this is due to my past bad life decisions and addiction and if it weren’t for those then the difference between festive Captain and normal Captain wouldn’t be so great.  But also there are obviously a lot of others who struggle going back to work in January for various reasons. 

Have The Girl Before and Scandal lined up to watch later this week. 

Gave up on New Year resolutions many years ago but my focus remains on my financial position hitting its target at the end of 2022.

Have your Mum & Dad gone home now and the house is quieter?

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Noted re The Tourist, have added it to my watch list. 

And Yes Christmas acts as a great disguise for troubles and worries, I find I can totally lose myself in the season and think much less about problems, regrets, work etc. There’s unfortunately no other time of year/ event which I’ve found comes remotely close to acting in the  same way. 

The shop unit of the local bookies which closed a few months back remains empty. I always check when I pass. Still find it unusual as it’s the first bookies outlet I ever saw close unless it was relocating just round the corner. 

So back to work tomorrow, likely to remain working at home for a while I think. 

No shopping trips recently?

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Well being back at work isn’t good, but will be same for many. Do my circumstances make it worse for me? Well maybe. Sure I could easily live like it was Christmas for another couple of weeks but it couldn’t last forever and the longer you are off work the worse it is going back ?. Least it’s a short week. 

Joined chat last couple of nights but couldn’t add any value. 

Good that you are being sensible with the shopping. 

The Girl Before is quite good, did you watch that one?

Gonna try and think about another theme for us to exchange info as the Christmas songs thing was good ?

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Good that you appreciate that you have an easy life and few worries, we all need to focus on the positive. As I say that I am talking to myself as much as anyone 🙂  But you have a solid relationship with OH and your parents, daughter, grandson etc. so a decent base to work from.

I do have to say my life is quite dull the rest of the year in comparison to the festive period, some of it is a mindset and level of serenity and contentedness, its not that I'm actually engaging in a lot of activity with others at Christmas but I'm just more relaxed and feel a bit more engaged. I'll stop before going any further, I've had the wolves at my door many times on here over the years saying its up to me to change things and me saying its not that easy etc. and its a conversation which never really concludes!

Yes I'm religious although I only attend Church at Christmas and I dont pray as much as I should and when I do its usually been when I'm down or in a mess! I have made a few attempts at going to Church at other times but it just didnt feel right and I didnt get any benefit.

Some new faces in chat but no more than usual. A lot will start diaries and read material before joining chat, which is understandable. 

How about 'Name a song and a film with the colour Red in the title - and without googling 🙂 '

(The game can expand to other colours or words in due course if we feel this is a good theme)

Its January and if you go out you are likely to get wet

Can you bypass the bookies or will you go in for a bet?

Your funds may be low after Christmas spending

You may have resorted to payday loans lending

But gambling is not the answer to improve your cash flow

In January you are likely to lose just as its likely to snow

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

You have a good optimistic outlook saying you never know what tomorrow may bring, good for you.

I tend to more go along with phrases like When your memories outweigh your dreams, you have grown old’  I’d say this mode happened to me about 3 years ago. Not too concerned about it, not having dreams or ambitions now and not really expecting my life to play out with much different and not expecting anything in my future to rival past good memories or even come close.

I do believe in a next life though and I really hope I get the chance to do things I  didn’t in this one - go to University and live in London are two which spring to mind. These two are examples of things which were outwith my control. In comparison to my bad life decisions which led to me being a CG.

Any more news on your Dad? Thanks for tip re The Tourist, I’ll give that a miss. The Bay is back on this week, that was ok in previous series.

re the game, I didn’t think it through too well I should have given you my answers before asking for yours which were The Lady In Red and The Hunt for Red October. Yellow is up next so mine are Tie A Yellow Ribbon and Yellow Submarine.... over to you ?

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

Hope your cold is a bit better. Sorry I havent been in touch for a few days, been really struggling since the return to work and always conscious of not posting when too downbeat. Is this linked to my life situation and addiction? Well it must be partly, but a few others have also said they are struggling and I do think it gets worse as you get older returning to work after a decent break and especially when I'm busy and have work which is high pressure.

Anyway my evenings have been filled with programmes and I've now completed Scandal, Departure and Showtrial, all ok, Showtrial the best of them I thought.

I see a few newcomers diaries which I could perhaps post on with advice but I need to be in the right mode and also sometimes I feel others are better placed to advise than me depending on the age / type of gambling and issues described.

I hope you are not too devastated by the Arsenal defeat, that was a shock, they have such a great historic record in the FA Cup. Should they lose to Tottenham this week, there will be no doubt some 'sack Arteta' headlines, such is how the management game works.

What are your thoughts on all the carry on with Boris Johnson and with Djokovic? Both dominating the headlines just now.

Back to the game and the next colour is Green. I'll go with Green Door by Shakin Stevens ( cant beat a bit of Shaky lol ) and film The Green Mile

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Firstly I agree with your thoughts on Djokovic and Boris. And happy to stick to music re the game.

On your slip back into online gambling, really sorry to read this but you have done the right thing being open and honest about it.

Few thoughts and questions ( some of which will be all too familiar but I'll type them anyway):

Any specifics which triggered other than boredom?

Was the urge so much greater/stronger than urges over the last x months? If so why?

What could you have done to prevent actioning the urge? ( Posted on here instead, gone for a walk, phoned someone, went to bed etc etc). There has obviously been time between the urge and the action. There has been thought and planning. You werent able to just log on and bet. You had to enlist the help of someone else. So there was time to say No. ( I know from bitter experience it isnt at all easy to resist and take another course of action but stating and asking these things with a view to perhaps being able to take a different route next time)

I know you say it started two days ago but has this been building for some time or come a bit out of the blue?

I get the 'looking forward to' feeling totally, had it many times. An example from years ago was when I was on a fortnight's holiday abroad long before online and when even telephone betting wasnt in my sphere, so spent last few days of the holiday counting down to when I got back home and to the bookies. Also (again before online/virtual etc), spent many Friday and Saturday nights longing for it to be 1100 the next morning based on that being the first greyhound race to gamble on, so based on my chosen bet types at the time, my first opportunity the next day to gamble / recoup losses.

You are right that you now need to keep busy, distract yourself and get it out of your system. Its never really possible long term but keep the sick losing feeling in your stomach for as long as you can as a reminder and a deterrent.

You have to find a way to avoid this in future. Tell the family member or anyone else who is a possible to not give in to your pleas in future as its for your own good. Yes your OH is used to it but even so you will know from past experience it results in mood swings, you being a different person, maybe cancelling plans etc., it will have a negative impact on your relationship to whatever extent.

You know you will always have my 100% support and you can bounce things off me whenever you need to. Many others do not understand that your 'shopping' doesn't have the same impact and will say that is a potential trigger, but you have successfully managed to keep them separate for a number of months so its possible to do so again. But there must be other triggers/reasons - Yes boredom, Yes an escape, Yes strong urges and the beast inside you reminding you of the thrill of the action, the excitement and buzz, and forgetting to remind you of all the downsides. But I still maintain that most CGs ultimately gamble to replace something missing in their lives, even though it may not be apparent what that is and the life gap may not be always the total answer.

Finally on blocking software, I get how much of a help it is for so many CGs and many quote they simply couldn't stay clean without it, but at the end of the day, we will find a way to gamble if we really get our head in a place where its impossible not to and cant adopt a strategy to delay or avoid and all the blocks, self exclusions, people looking after money in the world won't prevent us if we are simply on a 'mission'. But obviously an action on you is to install other blocking software which isnt able to be removed.

It aint going away, it hasn't gone away and you dont want repeat episodes like this.

Hope you feel better soon, sending you hugs ((((Tizzy)))) and Brown Girl In The Ring is the next song.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Great to read that you are feeling a bit better and that you intend to take action to avoid a repeat episode. 

You dont remember the bad times. I'm a lot better these days at that, wasnt always the case, but its an important tool for me in my recovery. 

In terms of the anticipation before a bet/session, I always recall for me the big difference between looking forward to watching something I had an advance bet and being calm and assured about it, versus the 'cant wait, count down the hours' scenario which was in desperation and craving to just bet on anything to get a fix and a buzz, an escape, a chance to recoup losses, a chance to be the other no limits, no holds barred part of my alter ego.  The first Captain is a nice guy who enjoys gambling as part of his recreation time and where it has no impact on other aspects of his life. The second Captain is a complete addict who puts gambling before everything and everyone else and to hell with the consequences. 

So for the 2nd Captain, not only a lot of wasted time and effort leading up the gambling, but also a lot of negative impact afterwards. I know you can relate to that and thats the types of memories which we need to recall regularly as a deterrent. 

One example from a previous colleague of mine who enjoyed gambling on horses but wasnt an addict - he said the best feeling he got was hearing the commentator saying 'They're off !!!' - at that point the buzz kicked in, a horse was running in a race which he could cheer on and with the possibility of gaining some money should it win, but crucially he got a buzz at the start of the race from just the involvement. Plus he just bet in small affordable amounts, a great example of someone just having gambling as a hobby, getting a buzz, but zero negative impact on his life, win or lose.  (Boys being boys, the 'They're off' phrase was also used in the manner of someone saying ' That's what I said to her last night 😉 )

Onto Blue and I'll go with True Blue by Madonna. Plus there is a bonus if you have worked out where I taking the order of the colours from 😉

It aint going away.

Captain