My journey..

Hi Tizzy

I feel envious when you describe being away and I totally get you about eating and also maybe doing similar things to when at home but it feels different. Good that you are getting benefit.

re the gambling control Yes you are spot on - I'm gonna say I have to 🙂   - which is different from being able to abstain when it didnt matter quite so much - I was much less successful during those years. Rock bottom - Yes that old term - well I've probably had 3 of those and the first one seemed the worst when I had to re-mortgage, the later ones were hellish too of course!  So I'd maybe like to say that when you hit Rock bottom things will change for you but given I've had 3 and had to be forced into a corner based on not losing my house well who knows... and Yes you are getting your fix in one respect so staying away from online and you know I'll support you with that or any other approach you decide.

Am I feeling better? Well I think I'm obliged to say a little Yes purely based on the old saying of time being a healer and I know I'll naturally be better as time goes on. But to put in perspective, I've had 4 serious relationships in my life. I've been on dates many times that didnt go beyond the first few and thought nothing of it. But that last one I really thought we had something and was gutted/still am when she said she didnt want to see me again - probably a bit of thinking I'm in 'last chance saloon' re my age but you just know if something feels right and it totally did. Yes my circumstances may well have resulted in it only lasting 6 months or a year but that would have been a lot better than 2 dates! With that and 'the spark' not working I really feel my attempts to expand my life have all hit dead ends.

In terms of our anniversary and our contact, I've been thinking about whether we could exchange email addresses - would you be up for that? Gamcare I believe have enabled this in the past. I just sometimes think I dont get anything new these days or from chat ( why would I after 12 years ), I very rarely update my diary and my assistance to others on chat isnt any better than others can do plus I sometimes feel hypocritical providing best advice despite not being able to follow it myself.   I've had periods of time off here over the years and its therefore maybe time to do that again. But I dont want to lose contact with you 🙂 . Let me know what you think. If you prefer to keep in touch on here its fine.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Sorry to read about the latest op needed for your Dad and also the medical tests you face yourself soon ?

re the lodge Yes it would cost more for me on my own but although I don’t have much it’s not the cost which puts me off it’s the lack of things to do when I got there. Definitely would benefit from a change of scenery and sure just eating and going for walks in a different place but it still leaves a lot of empty time and space unoccupied. As you know other than over the Christmas period I tend to use my holidays in days here and there rather than weeks off for this reason.

I contacted Forum Admin and unfortunately they have a policy of not facilitating exchange of personal details so guess we are stuck here ?. I am finding it increasingly difficult to communicate at this level without being able to expand and/or be repetitive but I respect it is a gambling recovery Forum and we can’t stray too far off topic and limited to what we post as it is an open public Forum.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Hope the toothache is better.

Back to reality after a good break is always tough. Can recall many great holidays from the past which I didn’t want to end. 

What did you name the new teddy?

See post from user Joseph on my diary - someone who is interested in our posts and gets notified about them ?. There was another user last year who commented but good to see. Often feel we just talk to each other and no-one else reads but of course you don’t know.

Hope this heat doesn’t continue, too hit for me phew ?

Reading book by CG Justyn Rees Larcombe - rings many bells of my past behaviour unfortunately ?

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain  

Xx

Xx

Hi Tizzy

You will see that I posted to ask if others are interested in our discussions following the post from Joseph and now we have a post from Walliss on my diary - I'm delighted that others are getting benefit from our dialogue and encourage Joseph, Walliss and any others to contribute as they see fit 🙂

I'm doing the Wordle daily now and enjoying it !

Was on chat last night and had a good conversation, predominately with @slowlearner, with whom I share many of the same experiences and memories e.g. gambling cash only in bookmakers, when they closed at 6pm in the winter and didnt open on a Sunday, you couldn't bet by card, there was no online. Yes I was still a CG but it was much more controllable based on these restrictions - just accepted that you couldn't bet at night in Winter or on a Sunday and it gave you a break to re-group.

Finished the Justyn Rees Larcombe book - well I have to say my own story would be better - spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't read it - first 50% is about his life before gambling, he didnt gamble till he was 40, still doesn't know what triggered it, after he lost a fortune and hit rock bottom, he didnt even consider gambling again, despite being totally hooked for years..... the book describes gambling with financial gain and recouping losses always in find, not anything about the need for the buzz, needing gambling to cope with life, then we have the 'he gets back with his wife and kids' happy ending.... hmmmmm

Here is my typical day of feelings - Bored - Oh I could gamble.... Stressed - Oh I could gamble.... Need to escape from dull/repetitive life.... Oh I could gamble..... etc etc - becomes exhausting having all these regular gambling thoughts, I revert to reading my Stone Of Life, recalling all the downsides of gambling and trying not to recall the days of success, constantly remind myself that all wins were just ammunition for the next day/week and eventually it all went back - did I ever spend my winnings  - Yes - twice - both times on a new car - every other time they just recycled back to the bookies. Some people find it really difficult to ignore big sporting events and not gamble on them... I get that.... for me every day I think based on above feelings - I could gamble on a dog race or virtual race, if I did I would feel better....have to swat these feelings away countless times every day...

How are things with you?

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain