My life with addiction

Hi Dan,

You have given me a lot to think about. I have worked hard in this life to build protective walls around myself. I'm trying to protect a heart that is probably really made out of marshmallow... Is it my intention to keep people away? At arms distance? Thank you for taking that risk Dan. I need other people in my life. I can admit that. I'm scared I guess. A lot to think about. Good thing I like to think...

Dan

Have been reading lots since registering here yesterday. Have only really read your opening message in here so far but so much of that hits home for me.

Possibly I'm addicted to being addicted if that makes sense? Like you long time thumb sucker. Played stupid (free) online games for hours and hours at a time, putting aside real life to do so and up until yesterday the ever increasing gambling issue. I don't know if I've ever really liked myself and have always needed something to mask

The 12 Step Programme is often misunderstood.

The Steps are simply a list of principles that help people lead to happier & healthier lives.

Behind the admittedly sometimes confusing wording, are 12 principles when practiced that lead to the process of dealing with your guilt & shame. Then guiding you through your anger, frustrations & resentments & then onto purposeful, connected, fulfilling lives.

At the heart of each Step is a message. It is as follows.

1 в—Џ HONESTY
2 в—Џ HOPE
3 в—Џ FAITH
4 в—Џ COURAGE
5 в—Џ INTEGRITY
6 в—Џ WILLINGNESS
7 в—Џ HUMILITY
8 в—Џ BROTHERLY LOVE
9 в—Џ JUSTICE
10 в—Џ PERSEVERENCE
11 в—Џ SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
12 в—Џ SERVICE

Hey Dan,

Steps are wonderful! I must of have an idea ☺..step one complete...the rest will fall into place during my journey ahead.

Ps..why they couldn't be more simplistic? Kind of, live life, forgive yourself for any mistakes made, breathe, stop searching what you haven't lost, reach for your dreams no matter how hard they are to get..i like these ☺..just an idea!

Have a good one - keep it real

S x

A good question Sandra, i'm sure dan's got a good answer

Hi S,
I think they are pretty simplistic. Just interpreted by complicated people looking for reasons they wont work rather than trying things that might work. Everything you mentioned is covered in the steps.

Also to add.
The Steps are a little like a business franchise. They only work when you follow the template. When you start changing things or missing things out because you know best & your ideas are better than what has been proven to be successful, it doesnt work in the way it was designed to..

Thanks for the feedback Dan

Yes, i agree that steps works for people following them one by one. However, what i have tried to put accross is why we need to base life on steps when realistically we are following them (no matter in which order) in every day life anyway? Some more deeply, some not so. All I'm saying, digging deep and analysing every step to the core is not giving "me" any more purpose than general knowledge of "what i have to do to keep beast at bay".
Addiction and understanding of one self is indeed important. Still, i strongly doubt that human race is that selfish and cold hearted not to have basic emotions, understanding and feelings. Some things as self worth and forgiveness needs more work on, but in general we all have some kind level of dignity, shame, regrets or pride for the achievements we make.

Following steps require "control, discipline & as you said previously - service".
I wanted to put all these into different perspective which doesn't mean i am doing it my way.

Every way is different and doing what works for individual is priority. I dont have to follow steps to learn and educate myself about my behaviour and outside factors affecting me the way they do.
Being human and knowing what you want from the road ahead (which includes having dreams & purpose) is equivalent to the steps in my world.

Maybe I'm wrong, but not every success is based on the therapy you talk about so loud.

Just my thoughts ☺...no bad feelings intended. I am only discovering the results of my rested mind.

I respect the program and always will, but as i said i prefer more simplistic way of finding what i have missed in my life so far.

S x

Its been a somewhat challenging last few months!

Personal life has been difficult as wife became ill about 10 weeks ago. Shes pretty much immobilized, she is gradually improving but its slow progress. This has left me, working a full time job, running a house & all that entails on top of ferrying kids around on school hols.
After the initial euphoria of being the hero of the hour in doing everything, fatigue is catching up with me. As an addict i need to watch out for frustration, resentments, tiredness & loneliness affecting my behaviour.

On top of this I left my safe haven. Having attended GA for over 9 years at one meeting & then a subsequent meeting I set up for nearly 4. I decided to leave them both behind to open another meeting elsewhere.
Its been difficult attending two very vibrant well supported meetings for so long & then starting up again somewhere new where you are never quite sure that it may not be just you sat on your own some weeks.

Just bad timing I guess. Life does that sometimes.

I kind of expected my addiction to come knocking with a solution, but it hasnt. Why? Because i accept its a solution that doesnt work for me. That when i use it to solve an emotional difficulty i may be facing, i become totally powerless over its ability to convince me i need it to then solve everything. From dealing with death & relationship troubles to funding the purchase of new shoelaces.

It consumes me. My addiction wants me dead but will settle, to begin with, me gambling. Its where it begins.

I wont let it start again because i know the final destination of all addicts who continue to believe they can control it. I have seen it. I have lived it.

So I trust in a simple programme. I ask for help, from somethings & some people who have more power than me standing alone against it.

Hi Dan sorry to hear the news about your wife and hope she continues to show some improvement.

As you alluded in your post it times like these when you have to be extra vigilant and I'm sure you will be. As for the meeting its not easy setting up a new one, I have a little experience of this when trying to support on of our members who gas done the same. I have attended that meeting about 10 times and on about 7 of those was just me and him and I know on other weeks he has been on his own. It's been a year now and for what ever reason it has just not took off. Like I have said to him while it is commendable you wanting to set up the meeting don't do it at the expense of your own recovery. While I appreciate your time is more valuable than ever to your family try and get another meeting in where you can get what you need for you out if it selfish but necessary

KTF

Hi Dan

Sorry to hear about your wife. Sounds like a very a testing time for you.

Hope you can give yourself credit and go easy on yourself, in between supporting everyone else. Your support in here is certainly appreciated by me and I'm sure most on here.

Oh and nice to hear more about your personal situ how you are dealing with things

Louis

Get Well Soon Mrs @atime & you know where I am Dan if you need another ant in your army!

Thanks guys n gal.
Martin the new meeting is actually going well. We are coming upto week 6 & attendence is averaging 4. My aim was for 6 by xmas so delighted so far. We are located in a pretty provincial part of the country so new members are few & far between. I have popped into both my previous meetings but it feels like im undermining those who have stepped up to the plate.

Louis youre right my posts have become impersonal on here. Im at a crossroads with my involvement with it. Where i once had passion for it, i have indifference.

Kelly x Never an ant in my army. We are equals

Best wishes for a speedy recovery thanks for the post to

day@atime wrote: Its been a somewhat challenging last few months! Personal life has been difficult as wife became ill about 10 weeks ago. Shes pretty much immobilized, she is gradually improving but its slow progress. This has left me, working a full time job, running a house & all that entails on top of ferrying kids around on school hols. After the initial euphoria of being the hero of the hour in doing everything, fatigue is catching up with me. As an addict i need to watch out for frustration, resentments, tiredness & loneliness affecting my behaviour. On top of this I left my safe haven. Having attended GA for over 9 years at one meeting & then a subsequent meeting I set up for nearly 4. I decided to leave them both behind to open another meeting elsewhere. Its been difficult attending two very vibrant well supported meetings for so long & then starting up again somewhere new where you are never quite sure that it may not be just you sat on your own some weeks. Just bad timing I guess. Life does that sometimes. I kind of expected my addiction to come knocking with a solution, but it hasnt. Why? Because i accept its a solution that doesnt work for me. That when i use it to solve an emotional difficulty i may be facing, i become totally powerless over its ability to convince me i need it to then solve everything. From dealing with death & relationship troubles to funding the purchase of new shoelaces. It consumes me. My addiction wants me dead but will settle, to begin with, me gambling. Its where it begins. I wont let it start again because i know the final destination of all addicts who continue to believe they can control it. I have seen it. I have lived it. So I trust in a simple programme. I ask for help, from somethings & some people who have more power than me standing alone against it.

Great post Dan. Keep it going. Appreciate your shares and honesty. Tri x