Day 1
I will start by saying in advance excuse me if this becomes a slightly foul mouthed crook eyed way off looking at things. Its about time i stopped posting in the new members forum ( around a year since i first posted,so i will stop kidding myself).
Lets begin then. In short im a f*****g idiot. I most definitely suffer from delusions of grandeur and have very little control over myself once i get going. In addition to being a degenerate gambler I have also managed to establish a 15 year destructive drink and drugs regime. This in itself was a major problem long before I ever started having proper bets.Which was only just over 2 years ago.
I dont know where im going with this- but i know its to the wrong place. I have got myself into a situation now where people associate me with gambling and i get sucked back in. I must admit i have now started to show classic signs off the green eyed monster. I was never like this in the past prior to gambling. This last weekend i think was a nadir. I thought i could handle this but no,a trip to the pub a couple off drinks and a bit of peer pressure and ive smashed in £200 quid. This i believe for no other reason than i saw a couple off mates winning some money and couldnt handle the fact I CANNOT GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY.IM ILL AND SHOULDNT DO IT.
I awoke early on sunday morning,Ive no idea how i got home or what ive done in the blackspots off my memory. From past experience I know if I cant remember something,then its usualy because its something bad ive done. Have I abused my friends?Have I started a fight having lost the plot having lost £200? I really dont know. What I do know is im teetering dangerously close to the edge.
I turned 34 last week, Not a grand old age but with a chequered past in terms off work and relationships(or if im being frank lack off them) I feel older. I received one card from my loving mother & that was it. At the time it didnt bother me because im probably emotionally numb and too self absorbed to have realised anything else. I have started to feel sorry for myself and retreat into my own world. Yes im at the listening to radiohead and the smiths stage.
Im not going to proclaim im beating this again. Maybe for the first time though I can see that its a cycle I cannot get out off without help from others.I dont want to worry my mother and tell her but I want to overcome this and get on with my life. Somewhere buried deep underneath my ego and my anxietys is a decent person who has a bit to offer. Unfortunately alot off dragons need slaying and Im in no mood for a fight just now. I surrender my thoughts and hopes into this diary as a means off recovery. I want to come back strong and free off urge and jealousy but my struggle is weighing me down like never before.
Day 1 (a gym session later)
Just been to the gym and proper smashed it I could almost feel the vices cleansing out off me!!!
I am going on a quiet offensive and will try and avoid my friends for a while. Im loathe to do this(blame others) but the impact they have on my life is pretty negative in the most part. Drinking and taking advantage of me in terms off coming round my house and me having to drive all the time.
In my recovery im putting myself 1st!!!!!
Good luck my friend,sometimes putting yourself 1st is the way to be.no bet today will better tomorrow.all the best.
Scottyboy
DAY 2
Feeling a bit more positive today,although this fight isnt even in its infancy just yet. Took myself away from my social circle for the last couple of days and apart from boredom pangs have felt the benefits.I have also finally having bought the book two years previously started reading the CHIMP PARADOX by DR Steve Peters off the British olympic cycling team ,and also my beloved Liverpool fc fame. Its all about controlling the inner voices/demons & I cannot help but feel it could be beneficial to all us suffering from the gambling plight.
Last night I also went and stayed at my Mums house. I opened up slightly to her that I had a little bit off a problem r.e compulsive gambling & ALSO that my social situation was really having a detrimental affect on me. Luckily i havent accrued any debt thus far with my addiction-this isnt to say i havent wasted a hell of alot off working hours and a considerable amount off savings on the stupid vice.
Im back at the gym now and trying to establish a routine off writing my diary and then having a session afterwards. Its early days but hopefully its a win win sceanario,unless i give myself a heart attack!!!But hey putting £500 bets on wether there will be over 2 goals in the Manchester/Barcelona match cannot be good for ones health either.
Im thinking back to Saturday,the last in a long line off depressingly desperate days. A combination off pride,jealously,alchohol & egocentricity led me down a path off destruction which i had been down many a time. The key driving issue in this is avoidance. Im unfortunate enough to actually know a pretty succesfull gambler,One off the 0.003 % i guess. This friend, and I will use the term lightly, actually had the nerve to call me mentally weak for not gambling on his as it turns out successful tips. I now realise I was mentally strong for not following them. However my ego was never going to stand idley by and not have a go itself. END RESULT LOST £200 AND MADE A FOOL OFF MYSELF TO BOOT!!!
Well today i will win a bet,not a financial one either. My stake is my pride and self esteem and the payout is satisfaction in knowing that another very small step off potentially thousands will have been achieved. GOOD LUCK TO ALL IN THE STRUGGLE. WE ARE COMING BACK!!
Powerful posts and hitting home. You see this is why i refresh my browser all day long and keep coming back here looking for entries into diaries. It's a very good reminder of how i used to feel. Everything you feel with the gambling aspect i have felt over and over and over WHY!!. Can't understand it, how i or we keep doing that knowing the pain we suffer and others suffer because of it. Your post is very thoughtful and true feelings so thanks for sharing. Keep up the fight, go to the gym at least there is a small buzz from it even if it is endorphans lol.
Good luck on your journey i'm hooked on your honest post. See you at the the winner line..
CasinoRoyaLoser
Cheers Casino,
Glad its off some use. Im trying to strike a balance between not beating myself up about whats done but also not becoming complacent after the initial heartbreak off the loss dies down. Dont know why but this is the most positive ive felt about stopping,possibly as its my 1st diary, and the fact that others can also get a perspective makes me all the more determined to stay clear off the NONSENSE that is betting!!
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