My recovery diary (JENILEE)

Well guys I'm back and being gamblers as well sure you know the story, everything is not OK ; binge gambling and having some issues with my gambling after getting off track with posting n reading on here.

Also having other major issues in my personal life besides gambling which are fueling the gambling.

My mother who is my best friend and was my gambling buddy had a massive stroke on May 23 she nearly died but she didn't but now she will live in the long-term care health center where I am a manager for the rest of her life and is disabled with one side of her body paralyzed and with her degr also having other major issues in my personal life besides gambling which are feeling the gambling.Mymother who is my best friend and was my gambling buddy had a massive stroke on May 23 she nearly died but she didn't but now she will live in the long-term care health center where I am a manager for the rest of her life and is disabled with one side of her body paralyzed Her life and ours are forever changed as she's not had any recovery since her stroke this is how she will always be forever disabled and living in the home. I've had to go get guardianship and am dealing with a lot. With my fiancГ©, we are still engaged and worth had several good times when he's been home visiting he's been very supportive of my mom and me about the stroke itself.

However he and I are bickering and fighting I don't know how to explain it he was just home for a week last week and the first several days were awesome in there lots of truly awesome moment, just as good as when we first got together, but the last day or two that he was home we were bickering and fighting and our bickering and fighting over the phone since.

He asked constantly irritated with me it's like he's not calling down between fights and it's going out to days and days of this and I feel emotionally more more desperate and then I chase his affection and that irritates them more and more and the cycle we can't stop. I just didn't gamble the last of my money away and I'm broke for a week. Hate myself right now. Also on top of it I'm resenting him because he has more He asked constantly irritated with me it's like he's not calling down between fights and it's going out to days and days of this and I feel emotionally more more desperate and then I chase his affection and that irritates them more and more and the cycle we can't stop. I just didn't gamble the last of my money away and I'm broke for a week. Hate myself right now. Also on top of it I'm resenting him because he has more free time when he's out working in another state than I actually do being home at our house. When he is not actually working there's always a ready supply of guys that are working out there to hang out with. I come home from work and have no one to hang out with and like today on my day off I have to spend the day mowing our lawn. I'm resenting him. We're fighting. I'm desperate for to say affection of things, and it's just not happening right now and the more I beg for it the more irritated to get since he's mad right now. And I hate myself because I just gambled away the last of my money fact I've been gambling every day for the last three days, binging. I have to go mow my lawn because I have to borrow a lawn mower because ours is broke and today's the only day I can borrow one. I hate it, it's not fair, he needs to be more understanding and turn sweet and understand I'm having a crappy weekend since he left I'm tired of fighting, and unlike him I don't just have people to hang out with I've got to mow the lawn and stuff. I hate myself for the gambling. I miserable edgy and sad. Please help. Please respond. I feel like I could drive off into the sunset and never look back today

About the typos and some of the repeats and text in the above post somethings wrong with my phone in the talk to text

That's the worst part Emily I refused to black myself from the casino so I may have to go that route I'm not ready to do it yet if you read to my whole diary I'm still trying to get my gambling under control which I have for periods of time. But I may have to meant that's not possible. It's not just the gambling either, I feel like my whole life is a mess. Cannot stop fighting with fiancГ© he keeps doing the things that irritate me and I keep doing the things that irritate him and I don't know if you know what I mean but we are literally in the cycle of fighting we can't break one or the other of us needs to change what we're doing but we're both too agitated and it carries over from one day to the next for about 3 to 4 days now. It makes me sad. That is probably one of my top stressors. I always seem to figure out a plan to get myself out of the hole from gambling for a while and I'm sure I'll be able to this time. It's just dumb that I spend that money. Emotionally I'm just agitated frantic about making up with my honey causing me to bug him too often and making the situation worse instead of me just soothing myself in a healthy way. That is probably one of my top stressors. I always seem to figure out a plan to get myself out of the hole from gambling for a while and I'm sure I'll be able to this time. It's just dumb that I spend that money. Emotionally I'm just agitated frantic about making up with my honey causing me to bug him too often and making the situation worse instead of me just soothing myself in a healthy way. I feel like I've lost the ability to soothe myself in a healthy way I feel desperate and frantic. I think the gambling was a attempt to numb those feelings. Have to make up with my fiancГ© tonight. I can't take this anymore. We love each other in this fighting is stupid. And now because I spent all my money that week I had until next Friday looks bleak for me with no money to do anything at all but 12 on how bad things are. I have a lot of stuff I need to do around my house but I don't want to. The only reason I mowing my lawn right now is because I have a chance to barley l'amour mine is broke. I have to go back out and work on that some more. If anyone including Emily feels like responding more talking on here is helping me a little. All frantic and shaky over the argument with my spe fiancГ©, I pray God it ends today that would be one thing to make this next week more bearable. I feel very anxious and sad and dreading all the drudgery that I have to do this coming weekend no fun and mad at myself and mad at my fiancГ©. It's a horrible way to feel. Welcome any more responses or post and thank you Emily for response

Sorry again for the one section of my prior post repeating something is up with my phone.

Sorry again for the one section of my prior post repeating something is up with my phone.

I'm doing slightly better tonight got the lawn done think I had a form of heat stroke got really sick afterwards with a headache and exhausting but after a cool shower and some food feeling better. Spoke with my honey and we are sort of making up baby steps at a time. He still kind of bitchy but I flat out told him that if I stop The arguing behaviors and we just get along I also expect him to speak more kindly by time we talk on the phone tomorrow night. He agreed and said he was tired tonight and just needed to get a good nights sleep tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow things will feel more back to normal. They were a little bit better tonight. I still feel devastated by my gambling losses but I'm figuring out ways to get through the The arguing behaviors and we just get along I also expect him to speak more kindly by time we talk on the phone tomorrow night. He agreed and said he was tired tonight and just needed to get a good nights sleep tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow things will feel more back to normal. They were a little bit better tonight. I still feel devastated by my gambling losses but I'm figuring out ways to get through the week with like only $30

So mad that my phone keeps repeating part of my text. Sorry y'all.

We'll plan is no gambling today. I go back to work after a disastrous day or two off. Still feel like things just aren't quite right with my honey. I just feel like I'm trying harder than he is to get things back on track. Feel discouraged even though we've made strides in our relationship through counseling last fall, that this last fight was back to the old ways. Is it normal to slip up some in the process of changing everything and how you interact, or is it a bad sign? I just don't know. I keep having to remind myself I have no money for the week; well maybe $30 but I'm trying to make that last in case I need it. I keep thinking I'll buy this or I'll buy that and remember I can't because I gambled all my money away. It's depressing. My weekend sucked anyway what with the fighting with my man, ruining it worse by gambling, and having to work and do nothing but yardwork and drudgery around the house. But at least I got some of that done. Got to try to find a way to feel positive about things. Sick of feeling miserable

Not briefly things were better with my honey but back right into a bad patch that part is getting really old and depressing we had a great time only about a week ago yet I'm still questioning his devotion because this last week it sucks so bad. Trying not to to think about it. Also work sucks. At least I haven't gambled and I get paid in a couple days.

Sorry my phone cut me off. Made plans with two friends one for tonight one for Friday but my hearts not in it but I know I should force myself it might help lift this depression just pray things can get better with my honey they seem like it last night but then they rent right back to being bad. That would be so great if they could. Someone doesn't fall out of love in a week right? He's probably just really frustrated with our fighting at the moment also right?

Emily I look forward to u popping in on my diary again tomorrow. I look forward to your responses and actually conversing with someone helps more than just posting alone. So far since I've been back u been the only one who's responded but I understand as I probably left everyone down by going away for so long. But your post mean a lot to me so they really are appreciated.!!!!

I found an article today written by the frustrated woman in the relationship like us (so I didn't feel like it was written by somebody who didn't understand) but it actually pointed out the man's point of view ; where once we ladiesget frustrated with them we often don't act respecting to them and respect as a number one need for a man and that to get your man to start caring more to your emotional needs you need to stop nagging and stuff because when men feel they're doing bad in a marriage and letting you down they start to give up when they feel they're doing goodhad a marriage they work harder it made a lot of sense and was like a lightbulb moment and I hope that it isn't too late since we started fighting again this morning that I can get back to that glimpse of a light at the end of tunnel when we had a few friendly sentences last night before arguing again.

I really love him.

Sorry my phone cut me off again I really love him and I really wanted to work and we both got each other really mad so what's the point where everything was that was frustrating each other and I was focused on what was fair and what was right and wanting him to apologize and I'm finally realizing that I need to back off and praise the things he is doing right now maybe he'll be more wanting to apologize. He so frustrated right now I feel like he's giving up. The article really hit home and I'm glad that by searching I found an article that made sense to me and will help. Sorry to talk more about the relationship and the gambling but as you know gambling is often the cause of problems or the effect of problems in our bed coping with them in the relationship thing is the main stressor right now that my lead to some of the gambling. The thing is we've had really good times in recent times too so that's a good sign which is worth getting really off track and we just need to stop when people get that frustrated somebody has to walk away so to speak and let things cool down and give up with the arguing their side. And all the sun after reading the article today my whole attitude changed I no longer wear is worried about what he should say sorry for and who was right I figured we can always talk about it later one more calm. I just missed him and loved him and wanted to praise him or say something nice next time I talk to him. It's hard because he just left from being home and all this fighting. Him working 1000 miles away is so hard. We only see each other one week out of every five or six weeks. And every night we only get one chance to talk usually late at night and if we end up fighting he can't talk while he's at work and we don't get to talk again for another whole day. And all this and I'm just so tired of the fighting. Yes he probably should apologize for some of the things he did during the fight but honestly, after reading the article, so should I!

Sorry to ramble but the funny final word is since I've realized this thing about the article I actually feel better and can't wait to say something positive and I feel like he loves me and he just seems to be giving up because he feels like he can't do anything right because of how I'm acting when I mad! Usually he does try because he loves me. And the weird thing is my urges to gamble in my overall crappy feeling is less since I read the article and had the revelation! And talking with you was help to Emily thank you I Welcome much more feedback.

So no gambling this week. Mostly because have had no money ; payday only a day and a half away so we'll see.have the entire weekend free this weekend trying to make plans besides gambling. Never got to talk to my honey last night he try to call me when I had no signal on myself phone but considering that were slowly cooling down from several days long fight maybe caramel worked in a certain way and a night off from talking might be the best thing for us hopefully it will be going talk tonight!The initial self-hatred and despair which I had when I first post a few days ago are reaching a more bearable level.

Still no gambling this week and it is true with each gamble free day I feel better. Each day further away from the devastating loss of last weekend. Also I ended up my sister gave me $20 so I ended up with about 60 instead of 30 something and I've only spent six all week so I still have 54 left.not that it's not OK to spend money on things besides gambling I just feel really poor because the money I wasted so the more of this money I can carryover and add my pay the better. Supposed to get paid tonight nervous if it will go in because we have a new company that owns us and there's already been some glitches with the payroll but I need my pay so I hope it goes in on schedule.also hope I don't blow everything at the casino this weekend but then trying to make some other, nie gambling plans. It is not impossible to schedule every moment of the coming weekend but having some other things to do and look forward to well help I think, it usually does. Also little by little each day my honey and I are getting along slightly better or still not back to our happiness but we are slowly getting less argumentative each day and some of our daily conversations are actually good now without arguing.