NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Posted by: Rob71

The thing is that if someone loves you, I don’t think that’s codependency but I’m no expert. From what you have said I don’t think it’s codependency.She just loves you man.

This ^

I guess I got lucky (certainly not in gambling but in love)

?

Hi Signalman,

First of all i want to congratulate you 6 months is a fantastic achievement for any CG. I only notice my GF days because it shows every time i log in (272 today) so if i can achieve another 93 gf days ill be celebrating a whole year making the right choices for once in my life, but in reality i still believe in the JUST FOR TODAY philosophy. After all seems to have worked ok up to now.

However if i get to a year i want no congratulations or pat on the back for my wife. I want her to have the trust and peace of mind and never having to think o*g i hope he isnt bang at it right now. I dont think anyone fully understands the mind of a CG ( except a cg of course ). I often think i wonder how things would have turned out if the roles had been reversed and my wife had been the CG. Would i have been as forgiving and as loyal as my beloved wife ?, I suspect not.

Please dont take this the wrong way Signalman im not knocking youre fantastic achievements in recovery in anyway & fully understand how hard it can be to make the right choice every single day for 6 months & never faultering. If i get through till bed time without a bet, can look her in the eye and say JUST FOR TODAY i didnt gamble  ill congratulate myself believe me.

Stay Strong My Friend

AL

Hey Al!

Truly great to hear from you :o) glad you're still going strong. Thank you for the supportive message and advice. It's got me thinking about who I'm really doing this for - me or everybody else. I guess when I am suffering with a bit of self-doubt I tend to put all my eggs in their basket to see me through the rough waters, I hope over time I can take more ownership of my journey... I guess I've never really had personal standards before and have always used theirs, hard habit to break at times! Self esteem doesn't return in all this does it ?

Anyway glad you're ok.

Thanks for the reminder about living for today. I made a bit of c**k up yesterday regarding travel arrangements for my GA meeting which transpired ultimately in me not attending it, I told myself it was no big deal at the time but have been down in the dumps since as if I'm honest, complacency was the reason I didn't make it to the meeting yesterday, not travel arrangements. 

Carrying this malaise through today but thanks to your message will try and drop it somewhere and focus on making the best today. Thank you buddy ?

Gambling. 

I kept telling myself "ah it's ok, loads of people are at it" 

But it never was ok. And it never will be ok. Because everything for everyone has a different meaning, a different impact, a different value. The biggest mistake I kept making was comparing myself to everyone else and not accepting that I am different to everyone else.

Having a punt to me was my 'get out' from a world I struggle to keep up with. Inside the world of gambling anything can happen. Sure, s**t stuff can happen but I was willing to ride that wave in the hope of avoiding that eventuality and immersing myself in feeling of joy and jubilation through a big win or beating the odds. I couldn't get those kicks in real life. The problem with eventualities is that eventually they will happen ?

If you keep gambling eventually you will lose. It's an eventuality. There are a lot of people on here who have tested that theory. Ask them if you don't believe me. And add to that all the people who have done the same and are not on here + the people who are still testing that theory.

Nowadays the mistake I keep making is not accepting that it's ok to be different, in fact is different to each other, no two people are the same and trying to adhere to some 'norm' is just misleading construct I need to get rid of.

I am me. And this is me without gambling. It's good. The old me was just running from me.

Anyway... 8 months in and still fighting ✌️

Take care all.

Keep going, every day is a win mate.

Dear @signalman ,

huge congratulations on your 8months GF and thank you for sharing your thoughts and your journey through your diary. The 'side-effect' or recovery is more self-awareness and self-reflection and that can be incredibly rewarding. It is a journey back to ourselves and learning to like ourselves again. And this emotional growth and rediscovery is so plain to see in everything you share. 

I apologise for the overuse of the word 'journey' but I didn't come across another word that would better describe what recovery is.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you so much Eva - really appreciate the support of Gamcare.

For anyone struggling out there or in early days... Clean time is the key, trust me. You just need to dig your heels in and get some behind you, then many things start to fall into place naturally until your destiny is ultimately in your hands... More learned people than me will tell you that at that point don't take your foot off the accelerator, gambling will catch up with you! Keep working! Keep guard up at all times!

Today I woke up able to recognise some of my attributes (attention to detail, determination etc) and have gone about today putting them to good use. 35 years prior to this of waking up and feeling worthless. Clean time has helped me value myself. Also reflecting on how far I've come is a constant motivator to stay on the right path. 

None of this happened overnight, I am indebted to a lot of people for helping me to open my eyes and see clearly.

Life can be enjoyable after gambling.

Recovery is not necessarily always about adding to your armoury. Recently it's dawned on me that it can be equally powerful to just let go of some stuff.

Hope everyone is well.

Hi Signalman,

8 months (not 6) and massive congratulations. As always your posts give great insight into the mind of a CG and the pit falls we face everyday. One of the best things thats happened to me since stopping is ive developed a fear but the fear factor keeps me strong. I would stake huge sums on a football match or 1 horse without fear 8 months ago.

Now when i think of gambling ( and yes i still sometimes do ) i fear the consequences. Going back to the eternal chase, creating more debt and then the lies and deceit in order to cover my tracks. Going back to that way of life terrifies me Signalman. I have no control over finances now and im excluded online and in shops, but you know what i find it all quite liberating. If i had 1 bet and it lost id have to try & win my money back. If i had 1 bet and i won my CG brain would send signals telling me im invincible and its my lucky day.  I simply cant control the beast and once again it would triumph over me & become the master.

Stay Strong & Keep Up The Good Work

AL

Thanks for keeping in touch with me Al, I really appreciate it.

Yeah I was also thinking about times I went back to gambling today, often when I decided everything was 'alright' again after a blow out and consequent break from it. All it usually took was a spin on the fruit machine with mates or a punt on the footy and i was embroiled again.

Tomorrow I'm going to a party with friends I have avoided for some time since giving up gambling. They love the fruities. I can't be going near them. I was such a people pleaser before, huddling around them with the other men and leaving the fair ladies to have a natter between themselves. 

Tomorrow I'm bringing my son to the party. I will entertain him, introduce him to old friends and new and he will be my priority... If anyone has a problem with that I'll tell them to grow up.

Last week in the pub he was drawn to the flashing lights on the fruit machine and kept asking me to lift him up so he could take a closer look, this occurance broke my heart. 

My job is to protect him as best I can from all this s**t

Lovely to hear from you again Al.

People were very icy with me tonight as I haven't been about for a while and they have been through hardship, before I was the go-to person to offer strength and support... But I haven't been around as I've been pretty effed up myself for nearly a year... The tension was almost palpable when attempting to engage certain people today.

Energy is not limitless. It's great handing it around to everyone else but what about when I need it? I've needed to conserve mine for the while as I worked through my problems... Now it only really serves myself, my son and wife (mainly my son and I as my wife can look after herself if s**t hit the fan)

Anyway truth me told i probably only jumped to people's aid to be perceived as the hero and ultimately to serve my own over-inflated ego! I realise that now my ego has been popped ? 

My son and I have bonded now. Instead of ruining his life by disappearing after ruining my own through gambling I chose to stick around and make d**n sure he had solid role model in his life, god how I wished I had one.

Nothing else matters now.

Was a great party regardless of how some people were acting towards me, my son had a ball.

I keep working this recovery every day and I keep my willpower topped up daily re staying off a bet.

As I have mentioned - it's not always about doing something more or adding to my existing reserve... Today it was about letting go of resentment and truly understanding what was taking place.

I don't begrudge anyone for today... Nobody knows what problems I've been through lately, I cover it up well. Nobody expects me to mess up in the way I have, shame I've been projecting this idealised, egocentric version of myself for so long. It fooled everyone. I had 3 good years at drama school but I guess they were just counter productive when it comes to stuff like this ?

Posted by: signalman

Was a great party regardless of how some people were acting towards me, my son had a ball.

I think today signifies what people mean when they say that "you need to be selfish in your recovery"

Anyway no hard feelings... Certainly not my end anyway. If anything today has given me more impetus to let go of old facades and offering a more honest version of myself to others.

Thanks so much ALN.

your advice really helps me to remember not to trip on that old pitfall of holding onto things, letting them eat away at me and ultimately letting them affect my mood and judgement. 

Also yesterday my wife went the wrong way down the motorway and consequently we were late for an engagement - I was pretty arsey with her about it but you know what - in the aftermath usually I feel awful and carry around the guilt - today is a new day, I have apologised, tried to be nice to make it up to her and now I need to let go and move on... And learn from my mistakes of course. Letting go of the guilt and self-loathing is all part of this, it won't be first or last time I trip over my emotions.

I never really embraced the 'just for today's philosophy offered by GA until fairly recently, inviting it into my life makes me realise there is nothing wrong with making mistakes - 'self-harm' through gambling is a completely different thing.

Not sure why f a l l has been censored, I notices that and found it quite strange.

Great to hear from you. Hope you're well.

Posted by: simontnms115

Hey, We hope everything will be okay in short time.
I don't know you but your "Not anyone to me " your a mirror to the way I was when I stopped gambling nearly 3 yrs ago when I came to this place after a nearly 40 yr gambling problem .
If you are 100% sure you are ready to beat this, you will! Have faith in yourself. Willpower alone will not be enough though, put Every block in place, don't keep even one avenue unblocked because as I said willpower is not enough.

People here who have gained any lengthy gamble free time myself included will alway's describe honesty as being one of the priorities most important to becoming well again and moving forward with any sort of recovery . Honesty not only to yourself but more importantly to those around you , of course that's all down to you my friend but gambling particularly thrives on secrecy and allows you to pick up where you left off when the urges strike , which they will even though you feel like s***e at the moment . No judgement buddy on the way you choose to handle things but you'll need all the support you can in order to overcome this thing and I can honestly say that when I had " The Conversation " with My partner and kids which I really didn't want to do , it was the first time I'd ever felt as though I'd taken back some of the hold that gambling had over me :)). Youv'e already said that your wife " Knows something's up " ? , mine is far from stupid although I fed her enough xxxx to make the local park come into full bloom in December !!.

Thanks

Gosh Simon, not sure why you chose to repost that post from A9 as there was no accompanying message to explain your rationale...

Anyway whatever the reason I am grateful as I will never forget that post... It was a pivotal moment in my life, not only the advice given but the kindness of strangers, the power of peer-to-peer support - it was like someone lighting up a candle of hope in the all-encumbasing darkness.

Whatever the reason, thank you. Very sobering.

I've come a long way ?

Attempted to listen to the football on radio again tonight as some people we talking about it.

After 5 minutes the commentator mentioned something about bookings which put my mind into gambling mode and the whole probability / data analysis / potential returns cogs started turning again... Turned it straight off. Not ready yet.

Maybe was secretly hoping I could navigate my way though this game to set myself up nicely to enjoy the champions League final (lifelong Liverpool fan... Typical they are pretty useless throughout my lifetime until the year I decide to give up sport) ? but sadly doesn't look like this will be happening for me.

Got home and handed over cash in my wallet to my wife. Not taking any chances. 

Oh well... ?

Had a great day gardening today. Really enjoyed that... More than watching a football game I think.

Bringing order to the chaos... That's what gardening is all about for me these days, probably why I enjoy it so much as it's symbolic of what I am trying to do in my life generally.