NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Thanks ALN. wish it wasn't this way but it is so have to accept.

If I never watch a game of sport again it won't be the end of the world, for me it's a small price to pay for being able to hold on to the things I have been able to post-gambling. Some people lose everything as a result of gambling, keep reminding myself of this as not watching sport is such a small price to pay for me. 

Just annoying as I really don't have any desire to bet right now but listening to sport seems to activate some innate urge to ramp up the thrill of the game. 

Whilst I accept gambling was completely my doing, yesterday made me realise that in part, the introduction of in-play betting is partly responsible for my inability to watch sport now. 

Before in-play betting I was able to enjoy the build up to a game and the game itself with or without a bet on... It was a take it or leave it scenario for me. Now with in-play betting the scenario is always a 'take-it scenario' and due to that dynamic I cannot risk enjoying live sport anymore.

The other thing I realised yesterday is the problem with me watching or listening to sport is that whether I like it or not I'll guess potential outcomes in my head, and usually choose ones with long odds and handsome payouts... Maybe feeding the innate need I have to 'get the better of a system'

If one comes in, although the bet was only made in my head, the damage would have been done and this would invariably see me making real bets in the near future.

So in conclusion, the lure of gambling for me is not so much the making and breaking of finances, it's just having an outlet to feed the constance reassurance I need to feel like I 'know something' or am 'ahead of the game'

Insecurity yes.

Character defect yes.

Enjoying live sport, not for me sadly.

Cheeky S@d !!!!.

I haven't mentioned " 4 YEARS " all day I'll have you know , it's just been " I've been here a while or I've been here long enough " that sort of thing , I'm actually quite paranoid now that people are waiting for me to "mention the unmentionable" and can almost hear em muttering " goo on , goo on , just say it just you dare " :)) 

By the way does your mrs know you think of a woman called "Sapphira " as you log on , lol , lol , just kidding mate your secrets safe with me and 20,000 other forum members :)) . 

I actually came over to say thank you for your kind post but rambled a bit , nothing new there I hear you cry but hey ho that's the way I roll huh :)) . 

As always it's a pleasure to see you doing so well and your footsteps spreading joy around the forum , thank's for popping over and I'll leave the key under the mat in case you stop off again . 

Have a great day S and catch you soon :)) 

Alan  

Hello

I was washing down the garage door today and it dawned on me how long I had been putting this task off? Like - nearly a year? Obviously when I was gambling my head was elsewhere but since not gambling it constantly comes up on my planner and I move it - along with other menial tasks - until recently when I have been quite dynamic with me time and finally things are getting done again (when I plan them to).

Anyway - what's changed? I'll tell you what has changed. I have truly started to forgive myself for my sins and am starting to let of that stick I have used to beat myself for pretty much my whole existence. I realised I've been beating myself like a jockey whips his horse round the track... But why? Well like the jockey I have found tough love increases productivity in my world - until very recently...

I was a gambler and am still an addict and will always be a compulsive gambler. Consequently I did s**t things. I s**t on people around me to get my fix. I gambled mostly in secret so there was never anyone around to beat me with a stick for my behaviour and actions, however I knew it an abhorrent and ghastly way to live because my conscience kept telling me. So I put things off. I don't complete tasks. I procrastinate. Then I feel like s**t. 

Then my conscience is satisfied, those feelings of S***e have somewhere to go.

I posted on my diary some months ago that I had forgiven myself for all my gambling and this would help me move on from it all... But you know what - I don't think I really had. 

Whether you like it or not, anger, resentment, guilt, self-pity, regrets and the like all act as a buffer from doing it again when the journey of not gambling first begins. Of course they do, you constantly remind yourself of the s**t as a tool to keep on keeping your guard up.

But I swear to you, after a while - if you've been using your recovery time to tend to yourself and have engaged in a process of 'self-care' (counter-intuitive because you've been engaging in out of control behaviour for some time so why would you then show yourself grace and care for yourself) - but anyway, if you are still able to recognise the importance of doing this and do it... over time you don't need to beat yourself up so much and eventually you find that you actually don't need to beat yourself up anymore. The stick your conscience used to hit you with get shorter and shorter for every gamble free day you accumulate.

Show me a CG with a good period of recovery under their belt who HAS been able to forgive themselves at some point. I bet there is room in their life for peace and tranquility finally.

Show me a CG with good recovery time who hasn't ever been able to forgive themselves for the past - I bet the 'struggle' remains with each and every gamble free day that they tot up.

I'm not saying that people who have forgiven themselves for their gambling live like Buddhist monks... Of course we all have s**t days and trauma in our lives, life twists and turns. However forgiveness flips recovery over - from a 'struggle' to a 'liberation'

If I am wrong someone please tell me... These are thoughts I've only concocted today so anyone's thoughts and feelings I'm sure will help me to compound my own... However I'm sure recovery doesn't have to be an ongoing struggle - it feels liberating to me all of a sudden, I have played my cards right for almost 9 months now and the pain is starting to be replaced with pride. My conscience pats me on the back now rather than hitting me on the back.

Can you force the issue? I think I tried to some months back and just convinced myself really... Rather than it actually occurring. I hope this post serves as inspiration for those struggling at the beginning of their journey.... And for those of you quite a way in (eg those that have 'been here a while' or 'long enough' - if you want to put a number on it lets say nearly 4 years ?) well just hit me back to let me know if this tree is worth barking up. 

It would be a good boost for my morale if you can vouch for what I am suggesting and my resulting feelings. 

Take care all x

Why do you do this to me S ? . 

It's definately the right tree that your barking up but as it's late and needs a more in depth response you'll have to wait till tomorrow  and of course I'll have to try and find someone with the length of gamble free time under their belt  that you need to clarify :))    I can't stop laughing at that last bit of your post so at 1.30 am thanks for that and I'll talk to you when my old chops stop hurting :)) .

Night Bud 🙂 

Morning S :)) .

Now I'm awake and not full of Drambuie I'll try and reply . 

For me personally I did reach a point where the pain of what I'd done eased to a point where I could begin to forgive myself , I'll of course always regret the damage I'd done while in action but it got to a point where it was causing me more harm than good carrying this cross around with me . 

I would spend so much time beating myself with the big stick of regret that it became counter productive to continue in this fashion and as we all know It's about creating a better life moving forward and not one where were bound by chains of the past , it's like the old saying of " You can't love another without loving yourself first" and forgiveness is no different .

There was a post on here the other day from Louis ( killing the zombie )  where he mentioned how he disliked the word recovery and that's something I've not been keen on for some time now, another poster Paul ( volcano would call it rediscovery which I feel is more apt as it's all about finding who you are and what makes you tick and learning to be healthy in thought again . 

As you said in your post your moment has come roughly 9 months in and I believe that's about right , the year marker of being clean allows us to forgive and as the dust has settled and the gambling fog lift's then so clarity begins to return . 

I still have moments where I think about what I did but no longer dwell on that fact , life is too short to keep beating yourself up for something that your trying to fix . 

I spent so many years living with my addiction and looking back wore a mask for the benefit of others , showing them just the outside where everything was fine and dandy but where inside I was always in turmoil , a little like the bird that glides across the lake without effort but is paddling like mad beneath the surface . 

My humor has returned to the day's of old to where I laugh at myself  now and can't quite believe how I behaved for so many years , such crazy times and so irrational in a life that made no sense at all but I guess that's addiction . 

I once had a poster on here ( not recently just to clarify ) that would always tell me I wasn't going about this the right way ........  I'm not sure what the right way is TBH but did reply to him that He wouldn't have been happy if I'd thrashed myself with stinging nettles and shoved a broken bottle bottle up my backside as it still wouldn't have been enough  . 

I know I'm not quite at the timescale of rediscovery that you mention but do have a certain amount of time behind me now and hope this goes someway to letting you know my take on your question :)) . 

Your doing well S as you know but that's not by accident is it ? you reap what you sow and all that hard work begins to pay off , I re read some of your early posts the other day and compared to recent one's are polar opposites , progress indeed my friend :)) 

Talk to you soon Buddy 🙂

Posted by: A 9

I still have moments where I think about what I did but no longer dwell on that fact , life is too short to keep beating yourself up for something that your trying to fix . 

Yes mate. Absolutely. Thanks for the reply.

That's the thing isn't it... I genuinely want a fix now. I think in the past I've been guilty of wanting someone else to fix me or just standing back and waiting for a fix to happen. Such is the deluded world of the active compulsive gambler.

I still read people coming on here day 1 who are clearly in that mode still and they don't even realise. It breaks my heart.

But all we can do is support each other I guess, not judge. That transition is part of my recovery anyway.

Thinking about it - at the beginning not placing a bet made up about 90% of my recovery... Nowadays it's about 10% - like you wise lot say I suppose the remaining 90% is allocated to rediscovery of myself and my innocence.

Speaking of rediscovery, my work today takes me to a house which overlooks my old primary school. I'm watching the kids run about round the old oak tree like we used to. 

Those were the days... Before addiction stole my innocence from me. Quite emotional really. Anyway, onwards and upwards from here.

Nice to hear from you ?

Actually I just remembered hiding behind that oak tree when I spotted my mum and dad coming into school to meet with my teachers... Me and my next door neighbour got rumbled for nicking ciggys from the local co-op (yes, ciggys - he would go in and call the attendant to the other side of the store to price check something and I would sneak it covertly and head for the back of the counter - before the days of CCTV)

It was quite a brazen operation but as mentioned, even from the age of 11 I was obsessed with 'beating the odds' ? unfortunately the co-op twigged in the end and the ladies went up the school to tell them that the two local scallywags had been up to mischief again...

Somehow, when leaving the school, my dad spotted me peering out from behind the tree. The tree was quite far from the classrooms but he shouted out "you can hide all you want for now boy, but when you get home you're going to get it"

And boy did I get it when I got home.

Then that evening we all went to great Yarmouth for a week's caravan holiday, hardly the reward I deserved but I took it anyway ?

My dad was (and always will be) a complex character.

Anyway nowadays the odds have beaten me hands down so I've thrown in the towel. 

I'd take a wallop from my dad over the wallop I took from gambling any day of the week you know... If I had let gambling beat me down anymore I probably wouldn't be writing this today. 

Anyway... Time to let go and move on. 

Posted by: signalman

I'm not saying that people who have forgiven themselves for their gambling live like Buddhist monks... Of course we all have s**t days and trauma in our lives, life twists and turns. However forgiveness flips recovery over - from a 'struggle' to a 'liberation'

Just to mention anyone reading this who is new to the site or needs some inspiration - go and read Hazard2Myself's diary for evidence of the above. This is a good example of what I mean and his diary did (and still does) wonders for me.

Which one ALN?

well up for seeing that... Im assuming it's not Aladdin (well up for seeing that one too actually) maybe Rocketman?

Do let me know! Always up for a good film! Can take the missus ?

Ok brill ALN. thanks so much for the heads up. I'll check it out. 

I never knew much about the guy but quite curious to know more now you've drawn my attention to him

Thank you!

Hope you're well anyway ?

I don't drink. I don't take illicit drugs. I don't gamble, I no longer smoke.

So where do I get my kicks from?

Well today - almost a year into this gamble free journey, I made someone laugh and I found it to be REALLY satisfying. I mean really satisfying, like winning a load of dough on the fruity satisfying or sitting in the pub garden on a lazy Sunday afternoon and taking that first sip of beer and lighting a f*g...

It's taken me almost a year of hard graft and toil to reach this point. When we were both laughing together it felt really good. Like I had achieved something with my day.

Stop gambling and your emotions will return to you, that I promise you... At first they will smack you in the face and be overwhelming, but you need to learn to tame them and harness some control over them. That's where all the recovery work comes in guys. 

Don't rest on your laurels.

Posted by: signalman

I don't drink. I don't take illicit drugs. I don't gamble, I no longer smoke.

So where do I get my kicks from?

Well today - almost a year into this gamble free journey, I made someone laugh and I found it to be REALLY satisfying. I mean really satisfying, like winning a load of dough on the fruity satisfying or sitting in the pub garden on a lazy Sunday afternoon and taking that first sip of beer and lighting a f*g...

It's taken me almost a year of hard graft and toil to reach this point. When we were both laughing together it felt really good. Like I had achieved something with my day.

Stop gambling and your emotions will return to you, that I promise you... At first they will smack you in the face and be overwhelming, but you need to learn to tame them and harness some control over them. That's where all the recovery work comes in guys. 

Don't rest on your laurels.

Well you made me laugh at 1.30am this morning with the unmentionable duration of gamble free time someone has and also you two discussing unmentionable films on here tonight ? I had to resist the urge to jump in and say is it “ Bangkok lady boys play ping pong “ coz I’m not sure my other half would enjoy that one either ?.  Night all ?

Hi

Went for my counselling assessment. Really shook me up having to revisit previous destructive behaviours and relive all the consequences of my actions once again.

Sobering? I guess. Truth be told I think damaging is the more appropriate description, haven't felt right since meeting. However the counsellor is an ex-gambler and she definitely 'gets it'

I know this because her responses were not judgemental and also we spent a lot of time talking about relationship counselling she could offer me to help me improve in my relationship with my wife ie being more open, honest and affectionate.

Inability to exhibit vulnerabilities... She definitely gets it.

Been thinking a lot about the relationship of money and gambling recently. The whole thing annoys me because I have never been attached to money yet I have a stinking gambling addiction. I have been wondering if the currency for gambling was gift vouchers or credit notes for specific places would I have been so besotted with it all?

Well I got my answer yesterday. We went to a family theme park. Had such an amazing time with my family. All was well until halfway through the day I let my euphoria get the better of me and suddenly decided I should play on the side stalls to win a prize for my son. I knew full well this would be classed as gambling, I knew full well I would get hooked on them once I started and spend all the money I had on me, plus my wife's, I knew full well that I would have to reset my day count as a result and I knew full well that I have lost so much money on these things in the past that I've gone home and gambled to win back money that same day. However despite all this I was still pestering my wife to stop so I could have a go.

She stopped and gave me such a firm NO it might have well been a slap in the face. Thank god I have been transparent with her about my gamble free journey and she fully understood the severity of what was taking place, I had let my guard down and now gambling had me by the throat. 

We moved on to the restaurant and on sitting down and having a coffee I realised I could get online and buy my son one of the large prizes for a few quid in a matter of minutes if I really wanted to... I didn't because it dawned on me that this all had nothing to do with the prize at the end, it was actually all about me getting my long awaited hit. Gambling has been dormant all this time. It's still there waiting for me to put my guard down.

The feelings in that moment were like I was a man possessed all over again. What if my wife hadn't been there? 

I feel so ashamed. Angry and ashamed.

Al - I read what happened to you at Wembley. I'm feeling that same pain you're feeling. That sinking feeling that I'm probably never going to be 'alright'

I don't know what to say. Gambling just blindsided me yesterday. Why won't it just finally spare me after all this torment and torture? 

Is it to say that every time I get carried away on a wave of positive emotions I am also susceptible and vulnerable to my gambling addiction?

If so this is not good news, not good news at all ?

I really feel vulnerable all of a sudden... Help???

Hi Signalman,

We aint never gonna be alright (alone ) this disease will eat away at us for life. Its about exercising control, and finding the strength to say i aint gonna let you control me no more. Imagine being on your own,Sky control in your hand, press the blue button it gives you the option of going back to previous channel youve been watching, then press OK  button. Sheer bliss from horse racing to football, gamble after gamble trying to win until youd give youre right arm just to get back to the point where you started from.

!5 minutes to go in a football match & youve laid 0 - o (thats to say youve gambled the full time score will not be 0-0 if you aint an exchange gambler) in the meantime the runners are going behind the stalls at the Curragh. You think you know better than everyone else and for sure the runner you convince yourself will win actually DOESNT. Blue button YES  its 1-0 and you jump up heart pounding, joy, relief, euphoria, then suddenly the camera angle changes & you see a linesman hoisting his flag high ruling the goal off side.

Blue button quickly, Press ok under orders at Southwell and so it goes on and on.But you know what, it aint your fault youve lost its the race course stewards for not disqualifying the winner, its the linesmans fault because the goal was not off side. In fact its everyones fault EXCEPT THE CGs. Dont be frustrated or angry be thankful for a wonderful woman who can see the pitfalls before you have time to blink. Gamblers are are so obsessed thinking about what they might have had that they become blind to what they have actually got in life.

Stay Strong

Al