NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Now guys you know I’m not the type to differ ? but I’m gonna anyway . Of course your both gonna be alright alone , one because your both made of sterner stuff than that and secondly because all your hearing are the whispers of a past life which take it from me will evaporate over time . I’ve witnessed my own rediscovery and hand on heart can tell you that each month that passes makes those thoughts far easier to deal with to a point where although expected occasionally they no longer matter .                   Trust me I’m a Fish fryer ? but don’t have ?’S ? .  Night all ?

Posted by: signalman

Hi

Went for my counselling assessment. Really shook me up having to revisit previous destructive behaviours and relive all the consequences of my actions once again.

Sobering? I guess. Truth be told I think damaging is the more appropriate description, haven't felt right since meeting. However the counsellor is an ex-gambler and she definitely 'gets it'

I know this because her responses were not judgemental and also we spent a lot of time talking about relationship counselling she could offer me to help me improve in my relationship with my wife ie being more open, honest and affectionate.

Inability to exhibit vulnerabilities... She definitely gets it.

Been thinking a lot about the relationship of money and gambling recently. The whole thing annoys me because I have never been attached to money yet I have a stinking gambling addiction. I have been wondering if the currency for gambling was gift vouchers or credit notes for specific places would I have been so besotted with it all?

Well I got my answer yesterday. We went to a family theme park. Had such an amazing time with my family. All was well until halfway through the day I let my euphoria get the better of me and suddenly decided I should play on the side stalls to win a prize for my son. I knew full well this would be classed as gambling, I knew full well I would get hooked on them once I started and spend all the money I had on me, plus my wife's, I knew full well that I would have to reset my day count as a result and I knew full well that I have lost so much money on these things in the past that I've gone home and gambled to win back money that same day. However despite all this I was still pestering my wife to stop so I could have a go.

She stopped and gave me such a firm NO it might have well been a slap in the face. Thank god I have been transparent with her about my gamble free journey and she fully understood the severity of what was taking place, I had let my guard down and now gambling had me by the throat. 

We moved on to the restaurant and on sitting down and having a coffee I realised I could get online and buy my son one of the large prizes for a few quid in a matter of minutes if I really wanted to... I didn't because it dawned on me that this all had nothing to do with the prize at the end, it was actually all about me getting my long awaited hit. Gambling has been dormant all this time. It's still there waiting for me to put my guard down.

The feelings in that moment were like I was a man possessed all over again. What if my wife hadn't been there? 

I feel so ashamed. Angry and ashamed.

Al - I read what happened to you at Wembley. I'm feeling that same pain you're feeling. That sinking feeling that I'm probably never going to be 'alright'

I don't know what to say. Gambling just blindsided me yesterday. Why won't it just finally spare me after all this torment and torture? 

Is it to say that every time I get carried away on a wave of positive emotions I am also susceptible and vulnerable to my gambling addiction?

If so this is not good news, not good news at all ?

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you had significant moments of self-awareness within this 'episode' - would that have been there before?

Recovery isn't about how you much you can keep your life at an amazing level. It's about how you deal with difficulties IMO. It's great to feel good about yourself. But true learning and confidence in yourself comes from how you deal with adversity.

You've already made great progress but now is a chance to really kick on. Great you're getting counselling - I've just finished an incredibly beneficial series of sessions.

All the best

Louis

Thanks for the support guys. Much needed at this time. Still feeling rocked by my submission to the beast... It was the return of that all-consuming possession I just can't get over, I mean my son was right there in the pram, surely I've done enough damage to our lives through lack of control, why isn't the amount of pain I've inflicted on myself and my family enough to teach me a lifelong lesson...

I'd love to pretend that I was in control of the situation and that I would have only had a nibble at the games then moved on but I wouldn't have. I'd love to even pretend that my driving force was the potential of making my son happy with a brand new toy that he so desperately wanted but that wouldn't be true either.

I just wanted to play that game... A cheap thrill was my driving force.

Well anyway, I remain gamble free. I can walk past a bookie no problem but need to develop that same resolve for all the peripheral gambling opportunities out there. There will be other tests I know, meeting up with old friends in the pub (fruities), raffles at fairs, butlins in July (amusements), card games at family events... 

All sounds stupid but I know myself, if I open up the door again to addiction then swathes of pain will be coming my way. I've done so well up until now, debt remains high but family remain in tact. Another bet and consequent bets would sink me.

We took my niece to the theme park. My brother hasn't been the model dad and consequently she acts out a fair bit, she is hard work. He gave her £20 to take with her. On entering the park much to my dismay, she started hitting up the hook a duck stalls and basketball stalls without any consideration for her lunch money or the value of the money she had on her.

It was pretty infuriating to say the least. Within ten minutes she had done most of her money. I tried to educate her a bit on the benefits of being prudent with money but this effort was in vain. Later I spoke to my wife about it and expressed my animosity towards the situation. She said I should understand that young children tend to just "live in the moment" and that they don't understand the "value of money".

She may well have been talking about me. When was my emotional development arrested? My niece is only 9. What should I be doing to play catch up? 

I sort of knew all this was going to happen anyway since completing my study course. How I long for another course to get stuck into. I guess I need to find something else to immerse myself in - at least until my head feels a bit more firmly screwed on.

Hi S ? . You mentioned clearing out old stuffed toys in your post and that brought back a few memories for me .  I also used to be hooked on the winning toys thing , usually at Thorpe park or chessington where they had a wizards hat game , basically not making the buzzer sound while guiding a hoop of metal over another with the added difficulty of it being conical in shape and turning at the same time . The toys that you could win were huge , bigger than my kids in fact . I got rather good at winning them too but as you were limited to one win per day often found myself taking one back to the car and changing my top or putting a coat on so I could have another go ?.  My point is that you’re not on your own with these moments as I would walk into the park seeking these things out and all under the impression that it was the kids I was ultimately doing this for , which coincidentally was the reason I allowed myself to believe to carry on gambling . Justification is a strange thing in our world  and the sad thing is all those stuffed toys have long since found a home at the top ? .   It’s just who we are mate ? . Stay well buddy ?

Thanks Alan 

Feeling pretty down about myself today but your post and others recieved helped loads... Thank you all. The unity we have through gamcare is a powerful tool ?

Especially during times when one finds themselves questioning themselves.

 I Don't believe in our crazy world it's anything more than the clearing out process that we go through , thought's and deeds need to be changed and although you've not been in action for a while those thought's  are still doing "Whizzy's in your noggin" :(( , it won't always be this way mate so just ride it out and learn from it, tomorrows another day :)) .   

S just caught up with this, interesting comments, I won’t be judgemental as I think you are very brave telling us the story, it’s a different type of gambling but a form in truth.

very much feel for you and the remorse, you did nothing earth shattering as you are trying ever so hard.You have nothing to be ashamed about, it was a confusing act that any of us could go through.

keep going my friend you are doing brilliantly 

Cheers mate. Thanks for the support

Yeah I mean I wouldn't have had to take any more loans out or anything if I had let myself go on Monday, if anything I would have probably ended up clearing some space in the nursery for 3 ft teddies and the like ?

However the feelings were all there again I guess... It felt pretty weird to go almost a year focused on not feeling this way then losing it in one moment.

Don't know if I have the energy to keep my guard up constantly at all time know what I mean?

Feel pretty deflated about that. Any advice appreciated.

At least I still have my day count. My day count and my oysters right bdog? ?

I know it's just a number but its my number and that means something to me right now.

Hi ALN 

Wow you've got the full house there if I'm not mistaken ?

We did Skegness last year, and Skegness again this year coming up. Last year had the horrible cheap accommodation, this year fairground apartment! 

I really do like it there... So much for the boy to do. He may or may not remember it but I certainly will. Handy place for all the family to convene as we are all sorted around the country in various places. 

Last year I had a great time but kept battering the grabber machines in the evening and putting myself in a funk... On top of the booze by the end of each day I was probably a pain to be around.

This time I'm in recovery so will hand over my wallet to the wife on arrival and not get it back until we get home. I abstain from all things addictive these days so no booze for me... Maybe will go for runs along the beach in the mornings (promised myself I'd do this last year but always too hungover)

Will try to enjoy the experience itself this year and create moments to cherish with the family... Rather than simply becoming immersed with the opportunity to let loose and doing just that... Last year I just used the place as an extended playground/crèche for my son which just gave me a licence to lose myself in alcohol and burgers...

I love it there ? will go there for the right reasons this time!

Oh wow we'll be there from the 12th-19th July... Is that the sort of time you'll be visiting?

If so do let me track you down and buy you a drink or two - as a gesture of appreciation for all the help and support given to me since I started on this journey 9 months ago ?

Also you can join me for one of those beach runs I've been promising myself if you like! Would be good to actually commit to it this year and follow through ??

Ah that's brilliant! Will be great to meet you in person! 

A game of snooker sounds brill! You're on!

Looking forward to the trip more than ever now ?

??

Looking forward to it! I'm a bit rusty as haven't played for a while but really enjoyed a game of snooker in my day so whatever happens im sure it will be a good craic!

Had a couple of days to myself to draw strength and gather myself after realising that gambling addiction is going nowhere, even after nearly a year of abstainence.

Ready to push on again.

Today I held the door open for my wife. She said it's been years since I did that for her. Sounds ridiculous and a bit embarrassed to admit that but I guess it goes to show without gambling in my life immersing my thoughts, feelings and behaviour my mind is slowly clearing and making space to be a better person.

Slowly but surely.

 ??????

Was just thinking today as I get nearer and nearer to a year gamble free...

It has definitely hands down been the toughest and roughest year of my life...

And the huge irony in all this is that years gone by when I've been in rampant self-destruction mode have passed quite easily, getting myself into debt, hurting others along the way, letting people down left, right and centre... Bizarrely it's the repair work that has really pushed me to my limits, not the carnage itself.

Still... I know for sure that if I just hang in there and get the job done then the world will be my oyster.

I suppose the day after I wrote that first message on here, if someone had teleported me to now, 9 months later and shown me what life would be like now, I would've banked it.

But as mentioned, has been a hard graft and gruelling at times to get here. With near misses along the way. 

It almost feels like a throwaway comment on here when people say "keep your guard up at all times" but in essence it's one of the best bits of advice you'll get on here. Gambling is ALWAYS waiting in the shadows... Remember - even on bright sunny days without a cloud in the sky there will be shadows lurking...

Bobbyj used to remind about this all the time. Only do I truly understand why he hit on it so much. I truly get it now.

Miss you mate if you still peruse these forums... So sad how many good people have dropped off since the website update ?

Addicts don't do change so well do they ?

Tread carefully this weekend guys. The footballs on. Don't get caught up in the hype. It's just a game, make your money the honest way, don't undo all your good work. Leave old ways behind you.