NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi Signalman,

Cant tell you how much your progress spurs me on & when you're a year gamble free i'll be the first to celebrate. People on here have become not just supportive but some pillars of wisdom. I'm not trying to play down your wonderful achievement you've come on leaps & bounds.  I'm 70 days from being 1 year GF but when i'm 1 week or 1 day from being 1 year gamble free K2s words will always stay with me JUST FOR TODAY & ONE DAY AT A TIME. Please don't think i'm being a doom or gloom merchant Signalman there'll be no-one more delighted than me when you reach that milestone ( and i've no doubt that you will ) but keep your feet on the ground.

I've survived the journey you & i have shared so far, mutual support genuine caring for one and others well being, the ups & downs and i'll always think of you as a friend,someone who laughed WITH me but never AT  me. Just good unconditional none judgemental support. A CGs mind is a complicated & unpredictable one that frequently blows a circuit from time to time. 

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hey Al

Lovely to hear from you as always! Thank you for the beautiful message!

You are spot on about staying grounded.- you really are. That could be a recurring problem for me moving forward. Was talking to someone at GA the other day and it dawned on me that actually the times I have done most damage with my gambling are those when I've been on cloud 9 as opposed to times when I've been flat out on my back... Was a interesting and sobering realisation.

Love that analogy about blowing a circuit! Top draw description of how I could and should view the 'trip ups' along this path. 

As time goes on it seems to be more and more about staying in control, firstly urges, then moods, then not getting ahead of oneself. 

I'll never forget that guy who came along on my first ever GA meeting... 10 years off a bet and just sauntered past a bookie one day and before he knew it he was in there at the counter. He ran straight back to the rooms after doing that. 

I couldn't get my head around his actions at the time... I was new into all this and assumed something had gone wrong in his life to trigger the relapse.... 9 months later with an enhanced understanding and acceptance of what a CG truly is I can see quite clearly that nothing had gone wrong per say, he is a CG is all and like you say a  circuit had blown. Thanks to years of recovery he knew what to do ie not beat himself over the head about it, he headed straight for the rooms and surrounded himself with people that could help him patch up the blow out.

Take care Al! Look after yourself!

Hi Signalman,

Just seen one of your posts on someone else's diary in which you describe what CGs do. RIP OUT OUR SOULS & GIVE IT TO THE BOOKIES. Probably the best & most accurate description of compulsive gambling i've ever heard.

Stay Strong

AL

Thanks guys! ☺️

I actually blame barking at the radio all these years for my way with words and sharp tongue ?

Definitely talksport was a way to vent my anger, frustration and indulge my innate need to have an opinion superior to everyone else's. Looking back I didn't actually care that much for the sport ?

There was a mourning period after I stopped listening to it but boy is my life more fulfilling without it!

Take care guys

When I completely destroyed my life through gambling in the aftermath I had no motivation, no inspiration, no resolve to attend to anything in my life.

Why?

Because I was in a mindset which was "well what's the point of trying to do anything with my life if in one moment of madness I could just go on tilt and destroy everything again?"

Well, 9 months later - the resolve is back

Why?

Because I now realise that the only way to beat this is to remain one step ahead of that 'destructive moment' at all times.

AT ALL TIMES.

This is why you have to keep working on your recovery. Always. It's like a garden, stand back and admire it then before long it will be in a mess again.

Keep working. Always.

Yes the acceptance of this notion sucks but whats the alternative fellow addict? You know what that is and it's a dark place.

Posted by: signalman

 

This is why you have to keep working on your recovery. Always. It's like a garden, stand back and admire it then before long it will be in a mess again.

Keep working. Always.

Yes the acceptance of this notion sucks but whats the alternative fellow addict?

 

Nice analogy about the garden !

Does the acceptance of it suck ? I'm not so sure.

Accept there is no alternative and its a bit liberating. You work on it, just like you might work on your fitness for the rest of your life.

Great to see you doing so well.

I always look out for ALN, Alwalm, Adam123 and yourself as I know we all started roughly the same time, all similar destructive patterns.

The class of August 2018 (or thereabouts) if you like.

Posted by: K2

Accept there is no alternative and its a bit liberating. You work on it, just like you might work on your fitness for the rest of your life.

Looking back today it dawned on me that in my old job, I was always the first to volunteer for the jobs that were far away and involved travelling out of town...

Nobody liked doing them so I played it like I was 'doing it for the team', I am 'light on my feet' and so forth...

Truth be told as an addict I relished the opportunity to isolate myself + travelling out gave me the licence to indulge every addiction going... By the time I arrived at these places I would completely out of sorts - occasionally richer or invariably poorer - either way out of control of my emotions and consequently not in a good way.

What a waste of life.

But you know what? The thing is as an addict I was SO delusional - I actually believed my own hype that I was doing it for the others. I genuinely believed I was undertaking these jobs as an act of selflessness. There's nothing I enjoyed more than returning from a long job and going to the office and being lorded as a hero.

The truth was I wasn't doing it for anyone else apart from myself.

Just wanted to highlight how dangerous addiction can be when you let it run rampant in your life... It can lead you to swallowing your own b******t which is not a good place to be at all.

Good thought provoking stuff as usual SM. I always enjoy your introspective moments!

Ha ha thanks Rob ?

Hope you're going well... Close to that 3 figure mark? Keep racking them up mate and pass by when you get there! Spread some joy on my diary! Always welcome! ?

Speaking of joy, despite my fat debt taking chunks out of my wage each month, I have been prudently saving some pennies and managed today to book a week away for myself, the good lady and the boy. A week in Isle of Wight in September.

When booking she kept saying she'd give me the money to pay for it but with pride I rejected her offer on the grounds that I've cobbled together enough to pay for it myself. 

When I was down and out with gambling I wondered if I would ever be able to provide for my family again. I wondered if I would ever have enough resolve to beat this. I wondered if the best thing was for me to disappear from their lives... This was something I seriously considered. I wondered what the point would be to try and mend my life in any way as I couldn't trust myself and would probably just end up destroying it again and going around in circles.

Hey, it's not Disneyland but it's something, somewhere. It's a symbol of how far I've come and how hard I've worked.

I just want to make them happy... I hope they will enjoy the trip and I hope we can feel like a family again. I want to be a father and a husband, not a burden.

I am so grateful to gamcare, GA and friends made along the way who have helped me through this. I got emotional when finalising the booking on the phone and had to wipe tears off the screen as I finished making it... 

I am very much aware that gambling has robbed some people of everything, some people don't even have a phone to make a booking on after gambling, even that has found its way into the hands of the pawnbroker.

I am so grateful and proud that I am writing this message today. As I said I wasn't sure if I had it in me to ever be able to provide for my family in any way whatsoever again.

I'm trying to master the art of letting go of all negative thinking, regrets, doubts, resentments etc to clear my mind so I can focus on the present and dedicate more energy to what needs doing in that moment. Also hoping this will help with concentration.

Not interested in medication of any sort but the counsellor is saying that this may be an option as my mental health assessment came out so poorly.

Anyway, any advice please? (Non-medicinal means) ?

Thanks in advance

Posted by: signalman

I'm trying to master the art of letting go of all negative thinking, regrets, doubts, resentments etc to clear my mind so I can focus on the present and dedicate more energy to what needs doing in that moment. Also hoping this will help with concentration.

Not interested in medication of any sort but the counsellor is saying that this may be an option as my mental health assessment came out so poorly.

Anyway, any advice please? (Non-medicinal means) ?

Thanks in advance

Meditation, meditation, meditation.....

Mindfulness meditation is Such  a brilliant skill to learn and effective  way of decoupling from painful thoughts, feelings etc.

 Whilst getting an insight into the nature of consciousness itself.

Do it properly not half- heartedly. You don’t need to spend hours doing it but you need to be guided through the process so you know what you’re Supposed to be doing.

I would heartily recommend Sam Harris’ Waking Up course.

10 minutes a day makes a big difference.

Thank you Louis. Will start researching. That's great.

You know it's funny -

I could have a form to fill out in the evening and could easily chuck it on the side and turn off the lamp to do it in the morning...

But once I set myself the task of gambling, before I knew it the sun would be coming up.

Scary stuff.

I can only conclude that gambling is like a drug - each spin of the wheel, turn of the card, kick of the ball was another hit - a another shot of whatever I needed.

I couldn't get enough of it... Even if I had work the next day - I could go in on no sleep and no problem - riding on the adrenaline rush of the previous nights action (win or lose) - like drugs I guess.

I guess the powers that be view gambling a bit like booze ie most people don't let it take over or don't even indulge to begin with so the opportunity to profit from it should be exploited as long as the long-term sufferers remain in the minority. 

With that in mind I'm not pining for drug-type prohibitive laws to be put in place for gambling, that actually wouldn't be fair on the people (majority currently) who enjoy a punt without the disposition of getting carried away with it.

Could there be more support in place for those affected by gambling? Of course there could... That goes without saying really.

I guess the wider question for me is why people allow themselves to destroy themselves (and those around them) through these vices. Does anyone in the wider society really care if you do... Are you and I just a number. If you serve a key function in society, will you be looked after in the throws of addiction? If you don't - will you be forgotten about?

Which comes first - is society there to serve us and pick us up when we hit the ground or are we simply here to serve society? And when we are don't comply are we left by the wayside? (And by that I mean when we seek escape through addictions that get the better of us)

I never gambled to be rich. I gambled to take myself out of myself and fooled myself with the conception that I would make so much money I would never have to work again and be the ultimate family man. Clearly I hated myself and hated being myself.

Why fill out a form when I could use the time to completely escape myself and possibly make a fortune as a bi-product of that?

Ultimately - why did I allow my life to become so empty? Did I even allow it? I've been gambling all my adult life - since I was able to taste freedom... Was the damage done in my youth? Was I an accident waiting to happen?

Can I change the tide? Can I change my fortunes? Is filling out that form more worthwhile than spending a night on the rollercoaster ride of gambling? 

I guess it is if I keep telling myself that the buzz of being responsible and a mature adult finally far outweighs the buzz associated with the hit and miss of numbers going round a wheel. Completing that form opens more doors to a better future. Indulging my gambling simply opens many, many trap doors. Eventually I'll lose my footing and f a l l down one.

Hi mate, hope you're well. Thanks for the tips regarding gamban pop up on the phone. Clearing the cache worked for a bit and then it's started coming back again. It just popped again as I was writing ??Take care mate.