New diary

Bit of an update . Again saw the doc on Monday . She is very concerned re my mental state . Certainly no better and having serious mood swings that can happen in minutes . I have developed agoraphobia on top of everything else . All pretty frightening stuff .

Ocd levels are very high so all very uncomfortable . My wife is a total Angel . If I was a car I sure would be a mot failure.

Doc is concerned and has arranged an early visit to see a shrink . So going Friday . My wife is coming with me in case of a panic attack . Oh well , darn good doctor .

Glad I have you guys and gals to share with .

Useless piece of info for the day.

Agoraphobia, meaning "fear of the marketplace" in Greek .

Well must say the new tabs are doing something, not sure what .Bit like a mild acid trip . The ssri`s , well the new ones are doing something but what a roller coaster ride .

Gone from suicidal as I was this time last year where I am not feeling at all depressed . Not anxious even until I leave the house . Then it comes scary . Apart from friends and family , all I seem to do is bump into tattoed , amazingly fat and middle aged with faces like a bulldog chewing a nettle, lol. Oh and that`s just the women, ha ha.

Can`t go shopping with my long suffering wife as I either have a panic attack or want to punch the lights out of some screaming off spring of some chavette . Guess I have become angry . Love it , it is the depression coming out . Depression in some cases is unresolved anger that is turned on your self .

Hey most likely the drugs talking as these fellers are pretty severe , but I am getting acutely aware of how we have been socially engineered . Oh there lots of stuff I can mention but what struck me was on Sunday .

I did my " safe " walk to get our paper . I was amazed that on the front page of one publication was the headline " Up skirt shot of Pippa Middletons bottom " The photo displayed the top of someones legs and some white material . What the heck???? Oh by the way it wasn`t The Jewish Chronical .

Then we have the cuddly wuddly ads on TV for online chite .

It seems in a way that loads of stuff is coming into a new perspective . Not sure it is my condition but somehow I am seeing how in just , insane , and the distortion of what or wrong .

You know , we watch the news . Yea killed old Bin Laden , hung Saddam but at what cost . Kids killed , dreadful wounds to innocents and what for? Democracy , yea right .

Could go on for hours but it is time.

Freddy Fruitcake , News at 10 , signing off.

Glad you are more comfortable Graham.

It is good that your anger is coming out. It is hard when you have depression, because you can use it as another reason to hate yourself, but it doesn't mean you have an anger problem - it means you are getting rid of a bit of a backlog.

I had an 'angry' phase when I went on the anti'ds better out than in!

Take care,

f x

Hi Graham

Just wanted to pop in and say hi, thanks for your post and kind words on my diary.

TBH i have not been keeping up with any diaries, but had to pop into yours.

So i apoligise for that, hope you are ok, i know you are going through hard times mate, dont forget you have my email address and i can honestly say i often think about my cyber pops.

Take care mate, catch you soon. ands

Bit of an update . That wonderful wife of mine is still wonderful . Without her , well it doesn`t bear thinking about . OCD slightly better but still troublesome . Depression / anxiety have lifted . Deffo the new tabs . Drinking a bit too much of an evening but certainly not starting mid afternoon as I was about this time last year . The Doc knows and just said don`t go back to increasing it . No probs there .

Was thinking tonight , years ago I was smoking 30 a day , drinking like a fish , daily doing drugs and gambling like mad and still held down my own business . Can`t think how I did it .

Well no illegal drugs this end , gambling ( ya having a laugh ) smoking no but I do still feed my nicotine habit but in a safe way . So a few beers or ciders of an evening is OK in my book . In fact due to high blood pressure I have 6 monthly tests, blood and urine and is checking out pretty well .

This non working lark is really odd . Mind you never get bored but trying not to consume savings . Mind you we live life low . Tbh , it`s a nice way to live .

Both of us have been all over abroad and done different things so never missed out . I know my sweet heart is working like a Trojan for Numpty and Co. and it makes me feel guilty but being such a lovely wife , she says I shouldn`t see it that way .

In fact there is little I want in terms of material things and that mind set is in fact proving to be quite an eye opener .

My best friend is nigh on 60 . Used to earn £50k a year 20 years ago . Got fed up and jacked it. Hardware engineer . Single guy who has a stream of mad girlfriends but has not worked for well over a decade . I will point out , had his house for years , a bit falling down , however no mortgage . He makes money out of other peoples cast offs . Say a Dyson , nowt wrong with it apart from a small repair . Folk give him that stuff and buy a new one . He fixes it or maybe a computer and so on then sells it cheaply . Survives fine . Also on of the happiest guys I know .

The agoraphobia is still very much around and I rarely go out of doors unless my wife is with me . Oh my , filled in long winded forms , report from the shrink and Doc . Today I get a phone call from some obviously private company who works arranges stuff for the benefits people . We need you to visit a DWP doctor days the bloke. Ca you attend at this time? No says I, have acute agoraphobia . I would need my wife with me . Let me get back to . Anyway this kid tells me I have to this Doctor at latest early July .

Thankfully good lady was at home and provided me with some dates . As she is in front line services she needs to give notice .

Phoned them back, oh sorry can`fit you in . OK says I , will call you back again , My wife said that as long as there was enough notice , she could arrange it .

Back on the phone , know getting a bit stressed but had a nice Welsh lass on the other end . Now a different story , the centre I am due to visit has had flood damage so there is a backlog of people waiting so an appointment will be sent to me but the I can cancel it and make another when my wife can make it and it doesn`t have to fit a time frame .

Got so confused it brought on a bit of a panic attack . Guess it doesn`t matter I have worked and paid taxes for decades .The times they wanted a 5 figure some in tax and if you don`t pay we will bankrupt you . Yet I am jumping the hoops to get a little support .

Another downer is that we have had enough of the West Country and we were planning to sell our place and then buy with my wifes sisters half of her house a nice pad .

As long as I have a shed to stick my keyboards and computing gear and escape tv, that will do for me .

Well old brain in his y fronts is kicking off now . Having promised a contribution to our Pam that has now dried up . So it looks like the promise of not hassling her to sell is over . Not giving enough time to get well . finish off renovating our old Edwardian place and do it .

He is in his early 50`s , our Pams only boyfriend , known him since a teenager and was a good bloke . We couldn`t have kids and their 3 are God children and are very close . I fail to see how someone like him can turn out such a plonker .

Going to be fun when his eldest lad sets the wedding date . Lots of relatives in our clan invited . Think it might be tin hat time and all out warfare . Angie and Pam are well loved . Me, I am pleading insanity. lol.

I feel your frustration with the DWP, in my opinion they are grossly abusive to vulnerable people, but are part of the government so can do what they want.

I would just like to offer advise for when the medical does come around - describe yourself on your very WORST day, they want to find excuses for you to not have ESA or DLA because JSA or income support is cheaper for the government to dole out. Vile, but true.

Good luck matey. I was fine once I had reports from healthcare professionals saying 'this lady is very poorly, please leave her alone'.

f x

Graham- I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I gained a lot of strength from your words of encouragement at Safe Harbor. I was a regular at the Saturday 1 pm meetings you chaired. I was sorry to see you go but figured it must be something important to take you away. You face a tough set of challenges that I can understand somewhat being diagnosed Bipolar and OCD myself. Also take some powerful meds. I empathize with your struggles and am so pleased you have a wonderful wife to support you. I too have a husband who has stood by me over 20 years. Family is a big part of successfully living with these illnesses. I am blessed to have an amazing doctor, something I pray for you to experience. The paperwork in the beginning is massive and overwhelming. I will understand if you don't remember me. I'm from North Dakota, USA and rather shy. Didn't do well in chat. I have been gamble free 19 months now. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lynn , thank you for those very fine words . I am deeply touched by what you said .

I did leave chairing very quickly but my breakdown was rapid . Had it not had been for my wife last year I would have taken the permanent solution .

Bit of a bad day today . My wife drove to the supermarket and I said I would like to go with her , just maybe read a book in the car park . I then said no , I will come in with you and help . As lovely as ever , she said you can go back to the car at any time .

Well I stuck it out . Total nightmare . Sweating , trembling , freaked out . Got to the check out and the lady looked at me and said was I OK , you look ill . Can I get you help ? No I replied , I am just not well .

Boy that visit took it out of me . However got home and calmed down .

Every other week end my wife is not working so we go to a little pub very close by and friends own it and the food is really nice and good value for money . I hate noise and the only thing is they have a juke box which gets me on edge . Then a party on a stag do came in . Load , also swearing that I am not comfortable as every day language . Tensed me up again .

Had a table away from everyone and enjoyed our meals . Paid up and left ,

Walked the short distance home and broke down in tears again . Cried all the way home and also when I got in doors . Just do know what is happening . Been on major doses of all sorts but nothing seems to work .

I am a keen historian of the 2 World wars . As a kid , a bloke called Ted lived opposite my Aunt

, a victim of shell shock ,. He would walk around with his wife but always sobbing .

I feel like Ted . Fought back the tears when shopping today , Couldn`t care less who saw me crying on the way home tonight .

Sometimes , in part , I think it has something to do with dreadful injustices in the world . Before anyone says , don`t think about that , think about you , please don`t . They are real . Won`t get on my high horse about that , I do it to often .

Anyway another ramble . Thanks again Lynn.

Sorry duplicate.

Graham,

I would like to reflect with my own experience that this was normal for me too at one time.

If it is any comfort, I couldn't even cope with a 30 second transaction at the corner shop at one time. It was a very gradual process, but I am fine now apart from not being able to work full time.

Perhaps acceptance could be your focus this week. Its painful to accept and admit, but you are not going to be back to your old self next week. Or next month. Other than that there is no point forcasting, but I would like to share with you that it helped me enormously when I relaxed into it (sounds a contradiction in terms) mentally, and stopped getting frustrated and 'fighting' the anxiety.

Pride can be another barrier, I reckon you knew it was pushing it to go into the supermarket with your wife - but something made you. Was it pride? or demanding too much of yourself?

I have learned recently, that I don't have to be 'proud' all the time. I can exchange that for humility. One who is humble, does not just throw away all pride and self respect, but puts it to one side for a while. It is ok to be humble. In fact it is beautiful.

Take care, and just for today, for me - accept yourself for who you are and where you find yourself today. There is nothing wrong with that.

f x

Graham-

Thank you for your reply to my recent post. It takes a lot of courage to talk about your daily life here. I aspire to be more open and honest as you are. It does sound like a terrible day and evening you had. I can only hope today is a better day. You are brave to face your fears. Just as we do with gambling, we can face mental illness in bite sized pieces, one day at a time. I hope this finds you in some relief.

Hi Graham,

Just wanted to reflect that it was nice to see you having a joke in chat last night. Sometimes it is hard to see small improvements in oneself, but I have notice little changes in the way you seem. obviously its harder to see these through a computer, but I can see the first little shoots of progress appearing.

Realistically, from what you describe, it will take some time to really feel you are getting there, but have faith.

Take care,

f x

Hi G. Just wanted to send you a cyberhug. I think you are very brave. Going shopping, going to the pub for a meal. All huge steps. Acknowledge it as such and be proud of YOU. Lots of love to you and your lovely wife. xx

Oh you wonderful people . If I had not been a gambler, guess I would never met you . Dear cyber friends .

Chite this breakdown has been a right begger . Well the drugs have helped really well with the anxiety and depression. The OCD is better but still very debilitating and being agoraphobic, if anything , has got worse , then again I have no real interest in going out unless it is with the lovely Ange , my rock , my soul mate and I love her so much .

The auditory hallucinations are actually quite funny . Nothing threatening , just got used to them . Today I heard my wife call me to get out of bed . Fair enough , then I realised she was at work.

Been suffering a lot because what Mum and my God Mother left me allowed us to pay off debts and get back on our feet many years ago . That was not just gambling but some dreadful business decisions and getting involved with buying the wrong , huge house at the wrong time , and paying a mortgage that was unbelievable .

No more , a smaller house and no mortgage , also , it is some compensation , I earned all that was left to me back by hard work . Still plays on my mind each day .

Greed is a bummer . I love life living low . Eat good food , pay the bills , have a wife who is one of Gods angels . She hasn`t worked that out yet :).

Well hoping it all will work out .I have my DLA and all sorts , fair enough done a lot of contributions and at over 62 I , reluctantly , am very glad of them.

As some of you folk who have known me a long time , one thing that worried me was i would not be able to keep my payments up for my sponsorship for a 3 world child. very important to me as it is the memorial to my late Mum . Well now I can . I can feel some joy in that . A lot of joy . In a way it is so humbling . We all sit around and moan yet there is so much poverty in the Third world .

Had to laugh today. Even more benefits for me if I attend a get back to work program .Um , I`m up for it but as I can`t leave the house without my wife, bar going to the corner shop , which I can only do by car , might be difficult . If I have to sit in a group then they can shove it .I don`t like being around anyone except friends, end of . Likely to panic or become insulting . I do live in meat head land .

Still doing a bit too much cider , however my Doc says no probs as long as I keep to what I consume .

Many of you know about the prat of my bro in law who has dumped his marriage after 30 years .Well he has told his 19 year old son , who has anger management problems and very dyslexic to clear out of the house . My niece at 25 is still living there, near London you know , where you need 48 squillion quid to buy / rent there . However looks like she is moving in with her bloke who is very likeable .

Our plan is to sell up and buy a nice place for us and our Pam . Security for her and back as a family . Looking like . more and more , I am going to have to tell him to back off , let me get well and sell up so our Pam and us can pool our equity and get some decent place for us all up there .

I can`t believe he is such a cruel person . Known when he was a teenager .

Oh well , not my scene but seems to be a common thing . That`s blokes for ya, oh chite, I am a bloke.

Well a little catch up .

God bless . Thank you all fir being friends .

Hi Graham,

Good to hear that the anxiety and depression are starting to reduce. You deserve every penny of the money you get in benefits mate. That is what they are supposed to be for.

It is such a shame that the benefit system starting getting used as a cash machine by a small minority. I do believe that it is just a small minority, the government want us to think otherwise so we all turn on each other. Keeps us oppressed. Many of the people who seem fine, are suffering very deeply, but are desperately putting on a front to the world. If you sit and talk to people, there is usually a reason they have been on benefits for years.

Anyways, keep your chin up matey, you will get there with patience, because you can't keep a good man down.

love,

f x