Quitters win

Day 55

Another phone counselling session tonight (5th). Lost my way a little the last week with my daily routine (gym, eating well, sleep etc). Feel like gambling is a secondary thought as the moment, that side is going well. Its dealing with the other parts of my recovery that i need to focus on right now. I have strong blocks in place and feel like i have accepted the only way this can end well is for recovery to contiune as it is.

Need to get to grips with spending money "normally" and not feel so guilty about treating myself to the odd thing within reason. I've made a big effort to move my debt around to pay it off enough over the next few months to atleast take a little of that pressure off of myself. Looking forwards to Christmas and the new year.

If i can re-focus on my routine and getting that back on track things will be in a good place for me.

Day 60

The weekends no long worry me regards to gambling. My blocks are strong and i've not even thought to test them. I have no interest in betting now. I will keep my blocks in place as i see no reason to change something that is working for me. It could be a different story should i actually have the option and means to be able to bet, though i doubt it why chance it at such an early stage?

Feeling a little better about myself but i need to start this coming week as i mean to go on. I've not been on it regards to a good solid routine and any treat i have managed to allow myself has only been food related to this point.

Its a very busy time for me over the festive period so i have plenty to keep me focused on outside of gambling. Looking forwards to Xmas and starting a new year fresh, gambling free.

Take care everyone

Well done getting to 60 days sjw! I've been reading through your dairy and think you've done great, hope you manage to spend some money on treating yourself as you deserve it. I'm sure you'll have a great Xmas and fantastic gf 2018!

Thanks TFHS i hope so too, and the same for everyone here fingers crossed. Lets try enjoy it properly for once!

Day 63

Not much to add today. Tough day at work, very busy but the day flew by which is aways nice.

Day 70

Had a really great week since my last post.

Have since been paid again. I went out for my Christmas meal with everyone from work at the weekend. I went out and bought myself a new outfit. Looked sharp and felt great for it =D Had a really good meal and a few drinks, was nice to get out with everyone for a social event, work with some really good people.

Had another counselling sessions today and i basically spent the hour saying how good im feeling and how my self worth and confidence has noticably really come back to me. I feel a lot happier and more at peace with myself as a person. Im more aware of people and their emotions and much more interested in hearing and talking to people. I was so depressed while i was gambling if im honest i didn't care to talk to people. I didn't want to hear how good their life was going when i felt so low and lost in mine.

Christmas is fast approaching and im looking forward to it for once.

Take care everyone.

Day 75

Had a really lazy day yesterday. Watching the football and getting my hair cut was about all i managed but had a good rest up too. Work is physically hard this time of year.

Had a thought about the last few months i was gambling. About how i felt such relief when i had lost all the money i had for that month and how that ment my addiction wouldn't bother me anymore until my next payday. It was almost like i had excepted the money was going to go and that once it had i was "free" of the feelings it put me through for the rest of that month. It was a sad state to be in. I felt at peace once it was lost, yes i felt sick about throwing it away still. I knew i was getting deeper in debt because of it.

When i had reached rock bottom and put the blocks into place, told everyone i needed to tell and seeked help here and from counselling i again found that peace. Being aware i was fully blocked from gambling gave me that relief again. It was like i knew i had no funds to put me through the pain again.

Its early days but im learning and although im coming up with more questions than answers im working through things.

Hope you can all enjoy your weekend too.

Day 76

Seems i've lost track a little. Just finished another counselling phone call. 10th session already! Wow.

Got some money to treat a few people just to some small gifts this Christmas. Its nice to have a little bit of money to spend showing people you care. I've always left it to the last minute, normally just to see what if any money i actually had left to spend after gambling.

I have my bank card back and yesterday was the first time i have entered my card into an online site (to order some personalised gifts) since i gave it up 76 days ago. I feel ok about having my card, i had to take it back a couple of weeks ago because it wasn't possible to withdrawl my money when i got paid at the time. Im still just withdrawing cash for a budget and to feel and see its physical value. So much of that side of money is lost as "numbers on a screen" when you have gambled online for so long! I mostly leave my card at home. I have a pre paid card and take just a few pounds a day with me incase i need anything (though i don't always even spend that).

I used to worry about leaving the house without my wallet but i've now come to see that i don't need as much as i ever thought i did. Normally a couple of quid in the bag i take to work is quiet enough.

I have a good support network in place and im feeling very positive. Still checking back here daily even though not always posting.

Take care people.

76 days boy that's a good start, I'm on day one today even tho ive been on here two years. I also played poker and see a lot of similarities in ur story. I also transfer all my money out my account on payday and take a couple of pounds to work. I like to keep my debit card with me incase I need cash but that's a hindrens isn't it. Hope to stay just behind u

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Hi Adam,

I think we honestly worry too much about not having enough money on us. Honestly once i had opened up to people about what i was going through that was the next biggest feeling of relief for me. Handing over my card. Be honest with yourself, how often do you NEED to have that level of access to money.

We aren't great money managers i just found i was adding unnecessary pressure on myself simply by just have it on me 24/7.

I hope you find the blocks and measures you need to get control of your addiction. It feels weak at the time to admit defeat to this but i haven't felt so much control for many years.

All the best mate, i will keep up with your diary 🙂

Day 81

Ment to post on here yesterday but i was woken up at midnight after falling asleep on the sofa in front on the TV some time around 9pm. Been a long week but a very happy and productive one. I've managed to buy loads of Christmas gifts and i've really felt the Christmas spirt for the first time in 10+ years.

It's the weekend and i used to dread the end result of one of these but gambling thoughts are currently well under control. To be fair it's once things again to begin to slow down and get back to normal that the real tests will show where im at. Work slows down a lot, its cold and everyone is skint (but hey what CG isn't used to that).

Christmas day will mark 90 days GF that will be a nice point to reach, one day at a time.

Day 82

Turns out i have to file a tax return for the tax year of 15/16. An unexpected bill, shouldn't be more than a couple of hundred pound because it was less than a months work back when i was self employed that ran into that tax year. Add it to the pile of money to pay back.

Its easy to get down about our situations but i am moving forwards and this would have happened gambling or gamble free and i know which one needs to be the me of today and beyond.

Day 89

Such a long, busy week but its the weekend once again. Christmas eve and i am feeling in a good place to enjoy this one. Heading out to stay over with family for Christmas today. 8 days left of this year. Its been a strange one really but it will end positively and when the new year rolls around it'll be my time to really push myself towards the life i truely want for myself.

Im in such a better head space at the moment then 89 days ago. I wasn't sure how hard i would find this but its felt like the right time to do this for me personally. Im starting to forgive myself and love the person i am. I don't need to hide anymore.

Wishing everyone all the best over Christmas. Back soon.

Day 94

Got a long weekend off now going into the new year so looking forward to that "starting a fresh" feeling that brings. Lots of football on over this festive period and into the new year but i haven't struggled to watch sports since stopping. Been a football fan over 20 years so it's just been a case of loving the sport for what it is outside of results betting. Mad things happen in sport and instead of destroying my £100+ stake, last hope to break even until broke for another month, 15 team acca im able to enjoy these moments.

My last bet does feel a long time ago but i have a couple of years worth of monthly reminders coming out of my bank account to remember what it did. Good to feel strong mentally for a change heading into a new year i intend to enjoy for lifes real winning moments.

If not before, i'll be back here to post for day 100. Happy 2018 everyone.

Day 98

I might be a few months into being GF but this was the time i was expecting to be a little harder and it has been today.

Over the Christmas period i was able to pay off my debt a little faster with an extra pay packet (get paid 13 times a year, twice in December) and still spend a reasonable amount on gifts. As the new year turns over its very much back to the monotonous, slow chipping at the debt. My outgoings are reasonably high before even paying off my debt. I've been paying off as much as i could over the last couple of months just to fight back the interest im paying on them and bring the totals down. Im going to need to work out a plan as to how much to commit towards debt payments vs allowing myself some money to live beyond just the basics. I don't wanna keep being the isolated person i allowed myself to be while gambling. It was ok the last few months when i was so busy and tired over Christmas but now I need to put myself out there and if i keep at the level im paying back then im basically gunna be spending the next 2 years at home everyday after work.

I need to find the balance between the 2 and not yet knowing where that sweet spot is is stressing me out a bit.

It hasn't make me think about gambling, just a bit of a lower mood today.

Day 99

Definitely hit a bit of a mental wall the last couple of days. Been ill for about 2 weeks but feels like its got worse in that time and i think i've been feeling a bit sorry for myself. The buzz of Christmas has gone and a feel a little lost and empty again. Don't feel up to much. Have just been working then physically crashing out once home, don't have any energy right now and it is affecting my mental state. For the first time in a while i am feeling a bit down about things. I have 99 days under my belt and that can only help things in real terms but im not much on the reflecting on the days that have pasted right now.

Right now, just like work does it's feeling like a tough grind.

Don't feel like gambling which is one good thing but i try to be a postive person even in the face of tough times, im struggling ATM.