Quitters win

Day 100

Not as sick as i was yesterday and thats helped me to be more positive today. It's always nice to hit milestones and this does feel like a good one. To see the counter hit 3 figures is motivating. I have a long way to go more than just financially but im 100 days closer to where i want to be and i have to travel this path to get there. Better now then later.

Facing up to our gambling problems often brings a lot of other life issues into focus and it is at times uncomfortable. To grow we have to have resistance though and i do feel like i have grown a good deal in just the 100 days i've spent GF.

Heres to a new year full of possiblity, one day at a time.

Hello sjwsjw. Congratulations on 105 days gamble free. I have read through your diary and was really impressed with your approach to recovery. The gambling really took you to hell and back so it must have taken a lot of courage to get your life back.

Many thanks for your post on my diary. It was day 1 after my stupid relapse and the support of friends like yourself really helped me to gather my strength.

Sorry you was a feeling a bit down last week. I imagine after getting ourselves focussed on christmas and new year it can feel a bit of a let down in january. But we can get through bad day's and in time we will feel better for it.

Wishing you well in 2018.....stephen

Thanks Steven,

I read every new post on here daily via my mobile (i don't log in on my mobile so only reply from my PC). I've seen you helping so many people in the time i have been on this forum, myself included. I don't always get chance or have anything to add but people like you give people like me the support needed to do my best for my future self, gamble free.

Relapses show its not easy and we really must be careful EVERY day.

Day 105

So, today i was thinking about money and what i actually "have". It's true that since being gamble free i've been throwing a massive chunck of my wages (after bills) towards paying down my debt. Monthly im being left with a modest £100 a month "free money". Like most gamblers i want more and i need more, right?

The truth is 106 days ago i wouldn't have dreamed of "wasting" £100 on myself in 2 months nevermind 1. I never had £100 of credit left nevermind £100 of what was my money earnt for the previous month. Though i have a long way to go i have "available credit" (no access though) far larger than i've had for 8 months+ ASWELL as the £100 to do with as i wish, yet money still feels much tigher since i stopped. Its a strange concept.

I feel like gambling gives you the false belief that we always need more money. After all thats a perfect reason to keep in the game. When i look at what i need and the cost of that on a day-to-day basis i can manage and oddly i've never been drawn to a big flashy lifestyle anyway. I can, and have been very happy for the majority of my time gamble free. Happiness comes from within and while not everything is perfect i am starting to except it doesn't always have to be.

After 12 years in a gambling haze i have a lot to catch up on and its going to take time. If i am doing something positive with a reasonable level of regularity i can start addding in the real things i want to make my life more complete, piece by piece.

Only by moving forwards, one day at a time.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, which is why we call it the present"

Day 108

I'll be honest i had to check the day count as im losing count since i got past 100. Everyday GF is as good as the last and i do like to see the days tick over so will keep counting for sure, works for me.

So after over 3 weeks of the flu i finally feel like i am getting over it. I've had a few fasle dawns along the way then seem to have added another symptom to get over. Sleep has been really bad the last week espically and i am feeling pretty exhausted as a result. I had to take a few days off work and i think i will lose the money from them. This is probably going to mean i have to pay a bit less off my debt next month and have a tight month but i'll assess this once i get paid in a couple of weeks.

Haven't considered gambling just gotta work through it. Have thought about my job and if its paying enough for me. Its not all about money, i do enjoy my job most of the time but the pay isn't great to be fair. I have been a bit bored but that could definitely just be becuase the Christams rush has passed and i've been ill.

So not sure on the work front. Will carry on as i am and just look around. Always worth looking. I have some time off work coming up next month, its been pretty full on for many months so will be nice to have a little break and take stock for a few chilled days.

GF still going one day at a time

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday"

All the best

Hi again , I just caught up with your diary . I read most of it before but updated myself. It’s not that easy to track people on here or remember what you have read or not read . To be honest most of the stories are the same with slightly different numbers and method of betting but we all want to stop. You are doing great and are still young . One of the things you said about gambling was it was uncomfortably comfortable. That’s so true and a lot of things that you said I could relate to with feelings . You are right we are pretty similar in that way . One thing I stressed about at work was my earnings. As a Sales Manager a big chunk of it is commission that varies from month to month . Used to stress that it was feast and famine and having a bad month was awful. In fact by stopping gambling I have had a massive pay rise and I was just kidding myself about it. Think about that yourself . Once you clear the debts (make amends) then it will be like having a big pay rise . If you can do the job you enjoy and can be more than comfortable perhaps stick with it for a while as too many changes in your life could potentially be a problem at this point . Just a thought

Thanks Vulture. Its true that the chances are i wouldn't walk into a similar job that i enjoy quite as much. I do work with a good team and its generally a very positive atmosphere. I have to work out what i really want from my working life before i do make any call either way.

Day 110

Closing in on the end of another very calm weekend and i am very grateful for that. One thing i have and will continue to try work on in the coming weeks and beyond is to try slow things down a little. Now im more aware of what i am truly doing i have noticed that i try to rush to the end of everything i do. Silly things like walking as fast as l can anytime i walk somethere. I never slow down and give myself a chance to take anything in. Eating quickly, not really slowing down to enjoy what im eating. Same with drinks, i never seem to be able to just sip and enjoy it. If i have a drink in front of me i seem to HAVE to drink it ASAP.

It seems like silly pointless things to point out but there are other areas in my life that i also seem to want to rush to the end of. We all know our ultimate end. Am i really wanting to race there without enjoying whats right here infront of me? I need to better manage my time. Be more productive with my time and have reason behind my choices that support me in slowing down and enjoying this ride rather than looking ahead to where i get off.

I need to be more in the moment and "stop and smell the roses".

Not gambling gives me the awareness to know what i can do to better myself. Its up to me to work on it and add another piece to my recovery.

Slow Down!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RtGuUAQOC4

Hi sjwsjw

Thanks for your post on my diary the other day, I really appreciate it. Well done on 111 days gamble free 🙂

I can totally relate to doing things too quickly, walking, eating, drinking etc. I too need to slow down but I guess one of the reasons why I am like this is because my mind was always so active when I was gambling (30+ years) and I don't think it has had enough time to adjust to a happier, less stressful and calmer me. I was on a training course at work a few weeks ago and one of the things they covered was something called Mindfulness. I'd never heard of it before and the part of it that struck a cord with me is that it can be used as a method of bringing your attention to experiences occuring in the present moment. Now when I am out walking and when my mind is drifting all over the place as it does frequently I will focus on something to bring me back to the moment, enjoy the scenery, listen to the birds etc. I find my mind drifts a lot when driving and techniques they offered was to consciously grip the steering wheel or to put the window down and feel the fresh air on your face. I am only just starting to experiment but it does seem to make some difference in slowing me down and stopping my mind racing. I may not have described it very well but an internet search would reveal more.

Keep up the great work and keep looking forward. ODAAT

46 and Out

Thanks 46 and out. That sounds like something i might get something positive out of will defo look into it. I have been doing meditation on the evenings and it really helped me get some good quality sleep. Im always open to suggestions like that.

Day 112

Another day GF ticks over. Not much to add today. Im still tired and it just feels like im going through the boring motions of eat-sleep-work-repeat at the moment. My work "pattern" is all over the place and my head feels a bit fried from working the last 5 months solid (last annual leave). Not able to take any time off this month due to short staffing so i've still got 5 weeks until my next break. Most things are feeling like a real effort at the moment. I'd like to be more active and positive outside of work but it doesn't feel like that is as achievable in this job as i might have hoped.

No thoughts of gambling, just need to seek a better long term payment solution as im paying some heavy interest rates. I didn't care what the rates i took out were at the time to be honest. Just clicked the buttons that allowed me to keep gambling.

Thanks for the post on my diary and it’s humbling knowing that people like your good self are investing their time in people like myself despite their own issues . For that I truly thank you . Not sure what advice I can give to yourself that you haven’t heard before . What I can say is keep positive , think positive and good things will happen . This disease kicks us in the guts and warps our minds . I’m here to support you

Hello Vulture, thanks for the support. Sometimes that all we need to hear.

Day 114

Slightly better mindset today. Still exhausted but im not gambling and things will get better. See how things are after i can have some R&R in 5 weeks time with my week off work. I have struggled to get a good work-life balance since i joined my current job. Not sure if i used this as an excuse to just keep doing nothing outside of work back when i was gambling. Its not easy when working FT with early mornings and a physically very tough job. Its rare i get 2 days off together to recover much and it makes me just what to chill out on a day off instead of enjoy my free time.

Been thinking about learning something new and i might use this weekend (actually do have 2 days off together this week, and its the actual weekend days! =) ) to look a bit more into it. Not sure if it'll be educational or maybe learn to play an instrument or something.

Just need to find a way i can make things a bit more interesting outside of work and thats something i can do even when tired.

Early night for me. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

All the best to everyone.

"Your life does not get better by chance. It gets better by change".

Thanks for commenting on my dairy . What works for me is to make sure I’m busy when I am not at work immersing myself in other hobbies / people / this website . I think you can be a gambler who just stops gambling for a while . If nothing changes nothing changes . What instrument were you thinking of learning ?

Im not sure tbh. I feel like i just need to pick something new to throw myself into. Im a very all or nothing person. Speaking to my counsellor she said maybe this is why i take so long and go over things i want to do, because once i pick something and make that choice, i go for it with everything i have.

Very similar myself when I learnt to speak Polish . All or nothing . It can be devastating when used in the wrong channels , but channel it in the right things and we are unstoppable . I’m sure you will succeed at whatever you choose , hell we were expert gamblers when we applied ourselves in that !( apart from the devastation we caused ) channel it positively

Yea, totally. Im a lucky guy really. Im naturally intelligent (not boosting, i've been lazy with my talent for a long time), i pick things up fast. I am proud of my work ethic though. I have always been a hard worker.

I think its another reason i gamble. Im not pushing myself and i get bored quickly as a result.