Reality hit

Hello bobbyj,

Thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us here on our GamCare Forum.

It sounds like you have been in a very reflective space and have reflected a lot on your triggers, high risk situations and are learning more about what you can do going forward to prevent a relapse. It also sounds like you feel a lot more confident and stronger in your recovery compared to when you initially started – this is amazing! Remember recovery is a journey where you take gradual steps at a time and yes there maybe bumps and falls along the way, however it’s how you pick yourself up afterwards and carry on which matters the most!

Recovery is very much an ongoing journey, there are good days and sometimes there might be days where you find yourself struggling. However, you have a choice in how you respond to those ‘bad’ days to make sure you are able to pick yourself up stronger and continue on the journey you have chosen for yourself - which seems to be exactly what you have done! Well done for choosing to accept the mistakes and learn from them to move forward and as you have said rise above them all because yes you are better than that!

To help you strengthen your preventative measures and learning you can always try some of our self-guided resources which you may find helpful here: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/self-help-resources/ Please also know that our helpline and netline is available 24//7 should you require a space to debrief or further support.

Best wishes,

Brielle

I’m not gonna let a slip happen again, I know I’ve said that before,, i have come a long way and my only times I’ve gambled seems to be after I’ve struggled like mad to get some money behind me, it might be every couple of months or longer, thinking about it, my time working out my expenditure and income takes up much of my time to build it up and then when I’ve got to my goal, the pressure comes off and i totally drop my guard, it’s like, I’ve made it and I’m invincible, ,,, well i ain’t,, I’m gonna have a different approach, I’m not going to put so much pressure on myself in the building up my money, severe cutbacks won’t be so severe, staying in for weeks on end on my own, with only the tv and radio has to stop, ( I’m retired and have restricted abilities due to health conditions), but it won’t stop me moving forward and it will improve when the warmer weather comes, it’s a long winter when you’re on your own, difficult, but I’ll sort it somehow. Guard up 

Went out of area yesterday to sort some money out, so i was carrying, I’m self excluded from all bookies in my town but the door is open out of my area, . There’s a reason I’ve not nationally excluded this time as i have before,, I’ll get to that later, . The bank i had to go to is bang opposite a betting shop, i wasn’t tempted, i looked across and felt the bad feeling, and pushed it away,,, i completed my visit to the bank and just felt good as i drove away. I used to gamble every day, big bets, or small if i didn’t have a lot, done more money over the years than i would like to say, i know roughly how much and it’s vile, , i don’t feel the need to gamble anymore but now and again i slip up, and it’s always an expensive slip, I’m lucky enough to have been able to get out of trouble but not by gambling and not chasing. So I’ve come a long way in that respect,. I understand what I’m about and I take myself on, i have left the door open out of area as a challenge to myself, right or wrong, I’ll beat it, i won’t be beaten… I want to win without being chained up and that’s what I’m going to do. Guard up 

Still going forward, I’ve had a few bets and not happy about that, but although i came out on top, i didn’t go back and that was over 3 weeks ago, i don’t feel the drive to gamble, I’m not fighting it, and that’s good, i remember when i used to have to fight the drive to gamble, it’s not like that now, I’m a little in debt but it doesn’t bother me because i know that in time i will sort it out, i don’t want to put myself under pressure by making deadlines for repaying, it will happen on my terms, i won’t put myself under pressure by risking my money gambling, I’m ok. Guard up. Rainman 

The monster returned when i was vulnerable with the drink and I’m not happy this morning,, I’m angry and belittled by my actions and feeling vulnerable yet again after so long being in control,, how the heck did i let myself down, kicked myself, hurt myself again after so long,, 

@bobbyj. Hi mate and well done for posting.  Beating this illness is rarely instant thing and can take many attempts.

I found it beneficial to analyse what happened when I slipped up in the past.  You mentioned drink?  Are there any further blocks you can put in place to avoid this happening again?

Have you looked into NHS counseling?  Many areas offer therapy to stop gambling now?

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I’m hurting bad, I’m bigger than this, better than this 

No more poor me, hurting bad, i hurt myself, no more, looking in the mirror and taking myself on, it’s been a while since i had my last bet, it’s a weight of my back, anxiety removed, life ain’t easy, but it’s better without gambling,, used to use it as an escape,,, it doesn’t last long, it makes life worse for the future, must have been a weak person, wreckless , and pretty narrow minded, i knew what i was doing,, fun? No, Bobby big bxxxxx yes, what an absolute fool,, i ain’t having it no more and that’s what i want…. Just get on with it, I’ve had enough, 

@thebean have to be hard on yourself to get through, should never feel sorry for yourself, I’m the cause of it, we all have choices and although i know it’s an addiction, admitting that I have this addiction is the way to go forward, take it on, deal with it, deal with myself. Cheers,, Bobby j

@bobbyj I completely agree that we are the personally the cause of the gambling and it is only us who can change.  Accepting personal responsibility is absolutely key in becoming GF.  

Personally I have never felt sorry for myself.  Angry, disappointed and P***ed off with myself but not sorry.

However I also accept that I have a mental issue and admitting to myself that I was out of control was my first step in regaining that control.

I spent years thinking I was a loser and a worthless degenerate because I couldn't stop the gambling.  Realising that it was a mental illness was a revelation and helped me realise I wasn't a bad person and I deserve better.

Got up and got on after my last fall, self excluded everywhere, it’s a strength to admit and put into place, not a weakness,, managed to clear some debts that had built up because of gambling, anxiety has gone , drinking is minimal and I’m really feeling pretty good about myself, . Gambling is in me and i accept that, but it’s something that i used to do,,,