reborn on the 4th July

hey castle..

Also been off today and trying to not stress...thank you for supporting me....

I guess i'm what you call a 180 degree turner as when I got on this site i was angry as hell.

Aside of one public meltdown on here due to too much wine your right I don't judge at all for two reasons...one because by the grace of god go I....and also that I knew that codependancy was the flip side of addiction.

I also hit rockbottom with losses so I already had loads in common with people on here.

So I stuck around and got on my own recovery journey with you good people...and the feeling is mutual that you all write to me and also encouage me on my journey too.....

we are all getting there at our own pace and its great to have great company along the way.xx

Hope you feel a bit better soon ...

R and D xx

yeah guess we all get them dry days. think its just called tired. lol have a lot of them meself but still beats them bad days.

A working weekend and had my daughter both nights so not had a minute to myself , don't mind really as its always good to be busy keeps the mind focussed

Pay day this Thursday and this will be the 1st one I don't av to pay the ex anything other than child maintenance , still a 270 mortgage payment that I could av to pay if she really pushed it from a legal point of view with divorce but hopefully she will see sense that its mostly her fault with holding on to a letter for 3 weeks , will feel much more comfortable with it all when divorce comes through and everything is finalised , its a massive step for me and is goin to help so much moving forward

Work is good , the store I am at I really enjoy been there 3 years and av made a real difference to it , engaging the team gettin everyone working together has been hard work , the results are now starting to show and everything is set up for a fantastic year from January , the one and only reason for me wanting to leave is my friend and our relationship , I av to move on from this situation the outcomes are I leave and we go our separate ways , I leave and we slowly start a new life together , or I stay and this messy situation continues which is exactly what I don't want so if that is what happens I am goin to av to dig deep and say no and no more

In January I will get my answers , I will face up to them I am so determined to start a fresh a new life with or without my friend , all I ask of her is if she can't do what she has to do then thats fine I understand but that has to be it no more promises no more time if she can't give me what I want then let me go , I am preparing myself for all the outcomes I know how she feels but I also know what a massive decision she is goin to av to make and she is scared and rightly so , thats her choice we only live once sometimes in life u av to take risks and I am that risk , whatever happens I owe her a lot she made me see how unhappy I was in my marriage showed me life could be better , supported me over the last year didn't judge me bout my problem , she is the final part of the jigsaw in my life to make it complete

If its not to be then its time to move on and rebuild my life and that I av no doubt I will either way 2013 is goin to be a great year more importantly my year

Yo,

Isn't life so complicated at times , obviously we completed it more when we were at it , but how very annoying it can be that we fight that battle believing that by doing so life will become simpler and then it doesn't turn out that way .

Having said that , slowly through out the time I have known you , you had faced your challenges head on , worked through them and come out the other side .

I know there sure more ahead that's the same for all of us I suppose , but what strikes me most is that you shy away from making those decisions , even though they often do not result in an instant fix .

I truly believe that next year will be your year , with or without your friend , I sort of hope your friend can work it out to be with you as it is very plain for all to see she is very important to you .

Anyways rambled on a bit there , hope MGs ok, have been a bit caught up in a personal project of my own so have not been watching the X , but tell her I will defo get up to speed before the finial .

You take care as always

Shiny xxxxxxx

well hope everything works out exactly as you want. fresh starts aren't always easy but necessary sometimes. sending you my best.

Hey Castle...

Just popping in to say hi and can identify with your post. I understand how somtimes its like being stuck in a honey jar when it comes to feelings and sometimes the more you try to move away the more your pulled back in....its not always black and white but a whole lotta grey..sticky grey.

Ive been in a lot of messy romances and reading your post there reminded of me of something my mum used to say which was "whats for you ,wont go by you"

For different reasons a few times in my life I have made a conscious decision to go it alone....it was scary because I had to trust in my mums words....

If this lady is for you no matter what obstacles are in the way or even if you call time yourself to be on your own for a while...if its meant to be it will be...

I hope that makes sense...

((((hugs)))))

R and D xx

Hi Castle

Just popping by to tell you that i think you are amazing...you obviously have up's and down's in your life but you are still able to offer so many people support on here. Thank you for that Castle!

Keep busy and keep strong

Jewels

Mad week this week , school hols so having to rush round picking and takin daughter to grand parents yesterday and today , I'm off Friday with her and a new friend stopping over Thursday night so a nice relaxing day , not ! But she will be happy and thats all that counts

Work is manic biggest promo change over the year this week , xmas here we come , the days just fly by sometimes not sure whether thats a good thing , other than that alls well still on the one day at a time and its working keep having to rein myself in when thoughts start running away but just remind myself no point in worrying bout stuff till it happens

Feel really good today mainly due to been pay day and not having to pay the ex no mortgage so for the 1st time in nearly 3 years I'm financially better off , for me yes the money is important but what's more is the fact is a massive step for the change in my life I'm lookin for its given me a sense of freedom but also the start to my new life

A few av said that not to write this year off and today feels there is some light for this year , my divorce will be through for Dec 5th as long as no complications come along which they shouldn't so that is the next step , until then its still one day at a time

A real monumental day for me though

Good for you castle. From what I have read you deserve it.

All the very best

Adam

Nice one castle glad things are looking up. Bit of financial pressure eased is great. And like you say that sense of freedom must feel good and knowing life is moving in the right direction and will only get better is fantastic.

Thanks for the post, i do feel a lot better about my new gamble free life now and I'm re-focused on making it through to the end of the year and looking forward to stating the new year.

Have a great day and weekend. Don't work to hard. Can't believe it's Christmas soon - I don't care tho, I love it.

Hiya Castle,

Well, I totally agree, the day's flying by, I think it's a good thing cause when we used to gamble we used to get paid, skint after a day (or twe if lucky) then have to wait a month till the next one, those weeks seemed like forever, atleast now time is going fast and getting things done, seeing people and really making a change. That's really cool!

I have not read much of your diary yet castle, but my intention is too as I seeyou are a big poster on this site and that I have high respect for. Wish I had the time to read everybody's, but just read your last few pages and glad that your in a good place... Good for you about the mortgage, and the gamble free spirit is always aloud.

Have a great weekend Castle,

JP (Pete)

Castle.

Fella your resolve to "abstain and maintain"

grows each day, glad to read that financially you see an improvemant, something I am sure you will agree,comes at an apt time,as We both know if this had happened in your prior life,you would be cashing in on more gambling tokens!!! As it stands I am sure you will be putting the money to a great use.

Well done fella,momentus indeed

Duncs stepping forward never back

o*g lol lol lol i cant believe i just did it again. lol lol lol never mind me and the lack of sleep be with me. lol lol lol

wishing ya a fine and gamble free weekend.

dam i better get some sleep before them boys with that straight jacket come to take me away. lol

Hi Castle,

I hope ur daughter enjoyed her sleepover, bless her 🙂

Ur last post was good 2 read, it is good that u r feeling positive and that u r better off financially this pay day!

U r a gr8 person Castle and u deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

Have a gr8 wknd 🙂