reborn on the 4th July

Hi Castle,

I enjoyed reading ur post about Jessica at parents evening, I know how proud u r of her it is lovely 2 read 🙂

I hope u r ok and things at work go ok 4 u!

I am always here 4 u if u need me, I have so much time and respect 4 u 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xx

Ended up at work for bout 2 hours yesterday and hopefully sent a clear message , so didn't feel like I was off work for the week but now I am no more plans to go in made one phone call this morning and thats it goin to try and switch off from it now and worry bout it when I go back Sun

Not doin a lot week but av planned it well , been off used to be a worry with to much time on my hands leading to boredom which was a trigger for gambling , now I dont worry I av enough to do to keep me occupied

Yesterday picked jess up from school she wanted to go to Argos as she had 3 pound , she wanted some Polly pocket toy that cost 5 pound I said I would give her the extra 2 so we get there and they av none of the ones for 5 pound so guess what happened next jess then says well I suppose I can't have anything now in a sad little voice the next toy was 15 pound , I looked at her and thought how can I begrudge her something for an extra 10 pound when I blew all that money half my life , so I bought it her yes it made her so happy yes she was very appreciative but its something I av to stop doin I can't keep thinking like that as I know its not good to say yes all the time and will prob cause me more problems goin forward but on the flipside that little girl has been my motivation my inspiration to help me turn my life around

Could I really begrudge her 10 pounds ?

Thank you Castle ...being understood makes me feel on top of the world ! Sometimes you can start thinking "is it just me ..or what.?" ..and then you log on here and know that it's not just me ..which is so reassuring ...

Good idea to not throw yourself right back in at work...and why not take the time for yourself ...work occupies our time enough and I guess you are just enjoying having leisure time and enjoying it without being bored.

Fast forward now to 20 yr old Jess...car showroom ....is it the BMW or the Audi ? .lol..hey ! It's only an extra 10 k ..lol...seriously though it's the little things like that that make it all worth it ..and seeing the joy on your little girls face too ...

The other thing is that you are present for your daughter and when you are with her you are "there" and connected ..not in your head and distracted...those are the things she will remember long after the toys have gone ...

How great is it to be known by the people who love you the most.

R and D xxx

Had a good few days off and with no contact from work , av come down with the cold again but not as bad as the flu , still dont think I fully recovered from that , been cold never used to bother me but since the flu it does now I just want it to get warmer

Woke this mornin to that horrible white stuff can't believe how bad it is , just leads to stress for me , back on with work already has I know how much more worse the snow is goin to make it so phoned to make sure all is well and it is in a fashion but no doubt it will lead to a few problems , not goin to worry though will just see what its like tomorrow when I get there

For now goin to av to try and dig my car out !

Yo,

Thank you for your message yesterday .

I think of you and Jess often

Keep fighting the good fight my friend .

Hugs to Jess,

Shiny xxxxxx

Went back to Work yesterday , 1st day back is always hard didn't get as much done as I wanted to , overall pretty pleased with how store was left but not perfect , busy week ahead with a visit comin up and a new duty manager starting , thats goin to help me and hopefully take some pressure of me but time will tell on that one

Had jess last nite which was nice dont normally av her on a Sunday night , she's all well and fine still my biggest motivation in life , still no news with divorce thoughts keep wondering how much my final invoice will be try not to think bout it as it makes me so angry and no I can't deal with it yet but hopefully ij will be all over soon and another massive step can be taken forward.

Hi Castle ..

Good to see work wasn't a total car crash and that they have in the main kept the place acceptable while you have been off.

I also have the same fear as you but obviously with less funds involved over my tax ....you just want to know the final figure and then you can start living and not be paralysed .

It's the not knowing and speculating thats worse as everyone has a conflicting story so you dont know who to believe.

keep posting and following that little light of hope....Jess xx

R and D xx

Hi Castle,

It always makes me smile when I read ur posts about Jessica, ur love 4 her shines thru... U have stayed strong thru the ups and the downs, I am so proud of u 🙂

I am always here 4 u if u need me!

Have a gr8 nite xx

Managed to post on a few diaries this mornin due to jess still been asleep as no school today , for a while now I av only been posting on a diary or 2 a day and updating my own every few , I find it difficult at times to accept this and sometimes with guilt as I am no way as active as I used to be , I always posted on new diaries as I knew the support for them was vital for their recoveries but now no where near as much and that I question why to myself , I know statistically from my time here that diaries are started and gone after a few posts esp late night ones when the feelings are so raw from a loss the determination is there never to gamble again only to wake the next day and do it all over again , I Know this as I lived that life for many years , so I guess frustration comes into it posting to them trying to make them see the light when u know deep down they will probably not post again , yes it sounds selfish and that is where the guilt lies

My life now has changed and is still changing all for the positive reasons , I am more settled I av money a beautiful daughter who fills a lot of my time up a job that takes more of of my time up leaving little time for myself and the time I do get I find it hard to spend am hour or two like I used to do b4 again the guilt lies there

I am not a selfish person and always put others feelings 1st which in some respects is a good thing but other times for me is not , in reality I dont need this site as much but I know I def need it and I guess I just need to find that balance and be comfortable with it

Ultimately its my life I live it and its so much better than it was 18 months ago , I will continue to make the right decisions and if I do make the wrong one at any time I know what to do

My beautiful Jessica has just woke so time to give her my undivided attention not giving her that would be something to feel I guilty bout

Morning Sir,

Many many thanks for your recent support and advice. As always you speak so much truth and I really take on board things you say as your own diary is proof that recovery really changes us for the better.

Much like you I have not been feeling great about how many diaries I have written on lately but ultimately we look after our own recovery and then very often once we are in a good place or a little less busy we are in a far stronger position to support others.

We don't post to each other daily or even weekly but I always really appreciate hearing from you and I keep up with your diary also. Right from day 1 you have been a real support and more importantly an inspiration to me for that I thank you. As I approach my year of abstinence you are very high on the list of people who have helped me greatly along the way.

Enjoy your day with Jessica you give each other so much it's warming to read.

Flagg

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. You were the second person to write after Duncs when I first joined the site and it was much appreciated.

That said I totally understand your feelings and it is not your responsibility when you have so many other commitments to write on beginners diaries it is down to us all and I am as guilty as anyone of not doing enough and at times not knowing what to say.

I also think I was in a different place than others at that time as I had not crashed and burned the night before and it was a calculated decision that I no longer wanted to damage my life in this way which maybe led to me managing three months and remaining here now. I guess it's down to the individual when and if they make that final decision whatever input we give.

All I am trying to say is thankyou and do enjoy your time with Jess, they grow up so quickly, my daughter was 36 this year and has a daughter of her own called guess what - Jessica.

xxx

Yo,

Happy Easter my friend . You are sooooo right about balance .

Try not to feel guilty , you have supported many on this site as they you . Achieving balance is difficult but I am sure you will .

Loose the guilt , make the site work for you , not the opposite way round . That is in my opinion the first step to creating that balance .

Have a great day my friend with Jess !

Shiny xxx

Hey Castle,

Thanks for those kind words, I really appreciate it. This site has been a true rock for me, I just want to pay it forward, for all the support I have received and words of encouragement.

Much congrats to your outstanding achievement also. Have a very nice Easter.

Chicagoguy

Hiya Castle... I just wanted to thank you for your support. I felt all warm when I read your reply. Like you say it is something of an achievement to keep a recovery diary going for a number of years. It has kinda developed a life of its own.

For what I have read of your diary your are doing well in your own recovery. Like you say, keeping busy, plenty of reading and writing on here and having positive outlets all helps to keep gambling away. Thanks again... S.A 🙂

Unfortunately had a slip over the weekend , why. ?

If I'm honest felt it coming for a while as there is still so much uncertainty in my life esp with the divorce knowing how much iv paid and wondering how much left there is to pay

Last pay day put me in such a good position prob the best ever for the last 2 years , all my life iv scrimped and scraped so been in that position I'm really not used to

I think the theory was if I could just win a couple of hundred it would pay the solicitors fee and keep me in a good position

Whilst writing this it really doesn't make any sense as surely it would av been easier to accept the fees paid them and moved on , but as many of us know the mind of a gambler doesn't work like that

So another mistake made and lessons to be learned , again if I'm honest there's a sense of relief like I said I knew it was coming I knew the reasons why in a way felt powerless to stop it from happening or did I simply want it to happen , all I do know is that its put me back on track in mindset , the financial side wasn't disastrous and the loss has been accepted I won't chase it I will put all my knowledge into place and use it goin forward

For me its not back to day 1 but it is back to basics

Finally sorry jess for letting u down on this occasion but I will get it right this time