reborn on the 4th July

Hi castle,

So glad you have a nice break, those times are priceless and will tide you over in tougher times.

Back to reality with a bump for me to also, one day at a time we will get there.

Take care

Blondie

Hey Castle ...

I feel for your sister ..very different when the choice is taken away and lots of what ifs ...I'm guessing though young Jess has got the best auntie in the world..

I also figured I'd packed up thinking about all that stuff but in the last few weeks I have had a lot of people spring from nowhere giving me hope again..

I just thought I would be settled by now..I never hankered after kids figuring if it happened it happened and I'd know what to do when the time came...but right time ,wrong person for me.

Liked you're godfather bit,,,made me laugh out loud...thought of the mafia and "Don Castle" lol

Could have ignored the post on caps diary , I have my faults but i can relate as i have a bit of regret about telling my work some days ...and my stuff is as an ex!

Can't even have a day off sick now as its put down to "my financial difficulties" ..lol ..and hr seem to know about it too which I'm not best pleased about. I had to cancel a training a few weeks ago and hr asked me if it was because I couldn't afford to go to London!

Will probably get passed over for promotion as someone who is fragile and can't cope also didn't realise that employers now can ask the state of your finances if you are working with money as they see it as a marker as to if you are responsible or not...

Anyhooo it's done now so you live and learn ..eventually ..heh heh heh

R and D xx

Hey Castle,

First i hope you had a better nights sleep before your second day at work:) It is so hard to get back to the routine after a good holiday...sometimes i think i'm better off without any, just to keep myself going at work lol

Thank you for your kind words on my diary, and yes i agree, counselling is such a strong power to drag you out from that "lost" state, and see the things behind it. It helps me to understand so much about my past actions and decisions i was making..It is good to understand and work your way through to the other side of the tunnel.

Hope you having a good day and well done for keeping strong and making right decisions each day.

Be proud

Sandra x

Castle,

That was a really lovely post you put on my diary and made me feel very happy and I thank you for that.

Fabulous that you have went over one hundred days gamble free. I think things change at this point and this is my target. I believe if I can get to that target I won't gamble again. This may sound a little crazy but I just think I need to get on the road again and stay on it. I have spent the year going three or four weeks at a time and relapsing. I love to read stories of people I follow who are doing well it makes me want to follow in their footsteps.

Tomso.

Hiya castle. Really glad you had such a great time in blackpool. Life is for living and with all those memories your right it was a bargain. I've been thinking lately of money wasted and things that I want now and can't have but I bet if I was gambling I'd find money for that next bet - horrible thought. Anyway glad you enjoyed you'd hols and congrats on the 100 days just keep that up and they'll be many more special memories down the years.

Hi mate,

Firstly well done mate on passing the 100 day mark, I am convinced you can go such a long way yet. Bet you had a great time in Blackpool, my pal is up there but with his wife's family, so he delayed getting up there to stay with them, to make sure he wasn't in there company for the full duration. Funny really!

Anyway who do you support? Great to know when we check in with each other, we have the topic of our teams to talk about, looking forward to it. COYP!!!

Thanks all

One of those days today got to work at 545 opened the door to the phone ringing someone off sick in the bakery and had no one else that could bake other than myself and I had enough to do then another member of staff didn't turn in that morning so ended been up on a till half of the morning and the day just went on from there my mindset was good though so I just wrote it off start again Sat when I go back

Days like that that used to drive me to gamble but not today

Hey Castle,

Not the best day at work ey? But you know what made me to have a smile on my face....your words: " days like that that used to drive me to gamble, but not today!"

That just says it all my friend, and i'm more than proud of you! Life can through a lot of nasty things at us, but we know, that hiding and finding comfort is not the way out!

Respect to you...keep fighting back with all your might!

Take care and have a lovely coming weekend;)

Sandra x

Sounds like a great day! Atleast your strong enough in yourself to not let those days effect you in that way now. Enjoy your day off tomorrow - another check in. Weeks go to fast! Two thirds of the way in, can't believe it.

Hiya....:-)

You navigated that day well Castle ...and that's what it's all about isn't it?..like you say dealing with what is and finding a way to cope that's not going to harm us ..

Sounds like your family has also had its fair share of ups and downs of emotion Castle ..and you know not wanting to take away from that but as we get older we find that what goes on behind closed doors that was seen as out of step is becoming the norm now as a lot of people are living either double life's or ones that they are not happy in..

I'm sure in a way that those people in your family may look to you for advice as you have been through the heartache of a split and now well on the way to rebuilding. At the time we don't think anyone is in a worse position but when we start climbing out we find that we can be of help to others who are stuck..

I'm also off work..a heavy week and some of the old habits rearing their head in work that I thought had been sorted...usual stuff...one person taking the pish and with their behaviour affecting the rest of the team with added workload for us all and resentment ..lol

R and D xx

Thanks Sandra Dave Rachael

Had a really tough first week back at work but expected it after 2weeks off things still not quite right not worrying though get more sorted this week the important thing is I didn't allow it to stress me out and it didn't

Yesterday I had my final counselling session the last time I saw her was 8 weeks ago so it was good to tell her about my divorce going through I had been seeing her for 2 years and she has been with me every step of the way at the end it was a real nice moment we had a hug and I thanked her for everything she had done it must have been very rewarding for her to see someone who 2 years ago their life been in such a mess with a huge gambling problem split from his wife living at his brother in laws blamed everyone but his self about the reasons why he gambled mentally in such a mess for then 2years later walk out a changed man a place of his own divorced and a real understanding of why he gambled

For me a job real well done and of course on both sides for me now it really is about choices and making the right ones and only I can make them

The biggest thing I have learned in my 2 years is my mental change I once read an early post of mine stating that I would beat gambling and I guess that was the determination in me yes determined but no knowledge or understanding with what I am dealing with

" I can't beat gambling but I can make sure it doesn't beat me "

This phrase is installed in my brain it's an acceptance of my life something that I have to live with it will lie dormant the triggers of stress and boredom will allow it to rise within this phrase will also help me if a relapse occurs the key been never give up I'm only human I will make mistakes I may not going forward with gambling but I am prepared if I do

In 2 years a word I don't use any more is luck esp with wish me luck or the best of luck it's too much of a reminder of gambling as we all will say how unlucky we were for me luck as nothing to do in my life it's just down to sheer grit and hard work it's the only way to succeed

Through that hard work I rewarded myself with a mini i pad a tool that I can make full use of going forward in my life and you will notice my writing will not be abbreviated as much as it doesn't like it which is no bad thing lol , if I had carried on with gambling I wouldn't get these rewards that life has to offer

Off with jess today and has i just got paid that's a sign for her to have a treat and I will she still is the biggest motivation in my life and has helped me to stay focus so spending ten pounds on her to see the joy it brings is priceless compared to that misery spending money on something that brought me pain and misery

A no brainer really I want that better life

Yo,

Wow !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fantastic post , you wanted a better life , you used everything you could to get a better life , (and pushed through the pain barrier to get it might add) , now you have a better life . Which in my option can only get better !

So so pleased that you treated you self to an iPad 🙂

Enjoy your day with Jess , and a question still thinking of pursuing your dream of becoming a counsellor yourself ?

Shiny xxxxxxx

Great post and glad to read you are doing so well.

Hi Mate,

Really enjoyed reading your last post and so much of what you say is so true, you are a massive inspiration to me and I take on board everything you say about there being no 'Luck'. There is no such thing when it comes to gambling, you have just got to be strong enough to make the right choices and tackle those urges whether they come because of stress or boredom, they will always remain dormant and it's knowing how to deal with them when they come. You have a better life now and an ipad to show for your progress. How much do they cost by the way, I would like one?

Well done pal, you deserve everything that is coming to you, due to the 100% effort you have and continue to put it.

Hey Castle,

Really fantastic post and it did put smile on my face. You are absolutely right - we cant beat it, we can learn to live with it and not give in. We come out the winners at the end of the day:-)

I'm so happy your counselling helped you to come to terms with yourself and your past behaviour. My counselling is so helpfull too, it still not easy but each time i come out stronger and more understanding about myself and things aroubd me.

I can see your honest happiness and determination shining through...you more than deserve it....after all it's you in a front row in this battle...and you are winning daily:-)

Respect to you, and have a lovely day with Jess.

All the best and take care

Sandra x