reborn on the 4th July

Thanks shiny captain Andy Sandra

I had been looking into a computer for me and jess for a while now weighing up my options I don't have a landline phone so would have to have paid line rental to get Internet connection and then of course there was the cost of the computer which would have been money up front with no credit available due to my finances , with my mobile phone I also do an extra line for jess for hers the phone suppliers I use had offers on for I pads doing it through 3G line rental , last week I had a phone call with the offer of an iPad for 29.99 upfront and then pay a line rental monthly which was discounted through hanging 2lines already yes it tied me for them for 2years and I knew somewhere along the line I was paying for the I pad really but it was a good offer so took it up so to answer your question Andy it cost me me next to nothing

Shiny with regards to the counselling yes that's very much on the agenda and with the I pad it allows me to do the work I will be required to do , I'm looking to start my course in January and at will be the start of a long 3 year process which is great for me as when it finishes jess will be 13 so shouldn't have to worry about school runs anymore as at the moment my job fits in fine with that

All part of bettering my life but there's no rush one day at a time is still the focus but its good to have a long term plan

Work is such hard work at the moment just simply not enough hours in the day and definitely not enough staff to do the tasks I am expected to achieve , the store I am at I have now been there for nearly 4 years which is the longest at any one store , so I'm not sure whether a change will do me good or if its just the job itself that I'm not enjoying . At 44 I just can't seeing me do this job for another 20 odd years maybe I want more out of life and do something that I really want I think whilst gambling there was no belief of what I could actually do and just excepted my life has it was , now there has been many changes and my views of life have changed ,time will tell on this one and whether its just a phase I'm going through or a bigger change is needed

Hey Castle ...

Now your not a hostage to gambling , life does open up now possibilities and also the desire to overhaul in other areas...

I think half the battle is remaining open to the possibility of a change of work without forcing it as then you may see something that you didn't before and can be just in the right place at the right time...

I thought after my last job change I would be set for life and just tootle into seniority, I love my job but maybe I'm just resting on the lily pad for a while and it may not be my final stop..

When you grow as a person then you grow in other areas and you might just be outgrowing your current position..

Maybe just stick your CV on Monster.com or Linkedin or whatever's out there these days and see what bounces back...

R and D xxx

Hi Castle,

Echoing Rachel's words..It is never too late for a change, and now you can see more opportunities since gamble fog cleared off. you are the one making decisions to better your life.

Take care and well done on your continued abstinence

Sandra x

Thanks Rachael Sandra

Just been so busy at work and when not working had jess just not had a minute to myself, I don't mind though as always it keeps me busy

Been thinking more and more bout work and going forward I wouldn't say I'm unhappy but open to more options than just plodding along, ordered a couple of books to read up bout counselling so its a start next step will be to get on a course through college but its 170 upfront and after Blackpool money is a bit tight and don't want to skint myself u never know when a big bill is round the corner

There's no rush no expectations but not just goin to let it go away like I av done in the past

Yo,

You'll get there mate , you know that and I know that 🙂

Maybe not quite as quickly as you'd like but it will happen . Not putting your self under pressure to make it happen soon than later , well is the right way to go.

But you know that , just wanted to show solidarity.

Really enjoying X factor , but Kiely being a judge on the voice yet another reason to steer clear . What does Jess think , will she tune in ?

Laters

Shiny xxxxx

Hey castle,

Thank you very much for your suportive post on my diary.

It is magic, when so many opportunities open up in this recovery. In other words, how much more we are able to see when open our eyes after gambling fog clears away.

You definitely will get there, as Shiny says, as scary as it can be, sometimes it's the best way forward. Let it all unfold in front of your eyes and then just little step ahead to make it happen:)

Take care and have a lovely weekend

Sandra x

Hi castle,

Busy is good right.? But also great to see you fitting some time in for further progress I find the hardest part is getting the motivation to see it through.

I find like gambling and I know you do to that one day at a time applies to everyday life not just abstaining from gambling.

One day you will be a qualified councillor and be able to help other people and with the life lessons you have learnt along the way I think you will more than equipped to do that.

One step in front of the other ultimately gets us there in the end.

Take care

Blondie

Thanks Sandra Shiny Blondie

Feeling the strongest I av felt in a long long while and I guess thats down to no stress in my life at the moment a bit at work but then there's always goin to be and that helps to keep my mind busy, my life is now more settled with no solicitors divorce and financially no money worries

What I would say though is there is no complacency iv been here done that flying along only for it somehow to all go wrong my 4 relapses won't let me forget that, the learning from them is priceless to my recovery I now av all the answers all the tools to fight this it really now does just come down to choices

No urges for a while now and don't expect anytime soon as my life as a routine now only when that changes they will come time off from work will bring them as the routine is broke and boredom creeps in on unplanned days the urges can come from an unexpected happening a bad day at work a plan that's gone wrong which then leads to stress but despite all that it still comes down to making that decision to place that bet and throw my life back into that miserable world of gambling

No thank you

Off today with jess taking her swimming and shes invited a friend last Friday she had a friend over the Friday b4 another one in the 3 years since my split with ex that's been the pattern apart from one occasion where she had a friend round there and the whole world knew bout it on facebook . I guess it bothers me a little or I wouldn't write it for me its all bout jess keeping her happy I want her to av the happiest childhood ever something I don't feel I had and still believe that's why gambling came into my life it have me a purpose in life made me feel good something I did for me sounds ludicrous but it had a positive impact on my life at the time but as we all know only to cause so much damage goin forward, so with jess I want to give her that childhood I didn't and maybe see the childhood I had through the Eyes of jess when shes with her mom I could totally be wrong but its my job to do what I think is right for jess my worry is she expects it and will expect more and more going forward as with her mom she knows she won't get it and the odd time she does she will appreciate it more

When I look back on childhood its sad I don't recall many happy memories just the smacks and cracks I'm sure there were many but they don't stand out with jess my fear is she will av lots of happy memories now but will she remember them as we create so many on a daily basis and with her mom she doesn't do as much but the good ones will stick in jess's memory, the respect aspect of it worries me with her mom no means no with me no means if I work at it a yes could happen and does that get me respect. ? As she gets older I don't want her to come to me as I'm an easy touch when her moms said no and she will its so hard to get it right as a parent esp a single one I shouldn't worry bout things I can't control now not gambling as taught me that but were also impatient and want to get it right, time will tell and in the end I can only do my best and hope I get it right

Sorry to read you had an unhappy childhood, good though that you realise that may be one of the reasons for your compulsive gambling.

Glad you are not experiencing stress and you don't have urges. You are dead right not to be complacent. I believe complacency is our biggest enemy.

Your focus on your daughter gives you a great avenue to channel your time and thoughts and is obviously the biggest key to your ongoing recovery.

Hey Castle,

Thank you for your kind post this morning:)

I feel your strength coming through and believe you are at the biggest high of your life at the moment....Couldn't be more happier for you! really great stuff....and let it continue forever...you deserve all the best my friend:)

Make as many memories as you can, the thing is, you make them life...now, today, tomorrow and always....

Simply - ENJOY!

Warm regards

Sandra x

Castle,

Your a great dad to Jess and she will always know and appreciate that. You are putting the effort in to always have enjoyable times with the most important person in your world. She will always remember and appreciate what you do for her.

Tomso.

Thanks captain Sandra Tomso

Not a great day yesterday, looking back it started with quite a deep post which didn't bring much positivity but that was on my mind and just got it off my chest in the hope I felt better for it

Had a nice lazy morning with jess which was a good start then after lunch went to pick her friend up via her moms house to pick her coat up which she forgot to bring it was supposed to be in the porch as she was out but she had not left it so it was pouring with rain and no coat, picked her friend up and went swimming got there and there was some diving event on and the pool was closed so had to drive to another one that went ok gand eventually had a good time, after someone had told me there was a kid discos on at a nearby pub so decided to go up after swimming we cut swimming short for this got to the pub to find it was the wrong one got to the right one to find it wasn't on stayed for a drink girls didn't one so just bought one for myself then one wanted one got that sat down then the other wanted one, I was starting to get a bit fed up by this time and was thinking bout my post earlier with the focus been on via more I do the more they want, went back to the flat to get them some tea jess wanted to use the can opener to open some beans which she did but didn't quite make it round I tried to pull the lid out and ended up slicing the end of my finger blood everywhere went quite deep but got it sorted in the end, by this time ex came and picked kids up, for me decided to av a couple of cans which is unlike me stuck tv on fell asleep got up went to bed

Today is a new day and yesterday is gone even with all the stress na yesterday no urges to gamble it was just a bad day and they will come and go for all of us just had to make the right decisions and I did

castle.

fella great to see you show determination to do what's best for you and yours.

Those bad days were everything seems to go south would have given you reason to think the answer would have been found in a punt.

today you have come a long way from that.

for it well done and thanks for sharing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo,

You know my dear friend , normal people ( as much as I hate to use the term ) , have s***t days.

Do they turn to a punt to escape , I think not .

They just get on with it and like you get up the next day and say to themselves today is another day.

Are you turning into a normal person ?

Was going to add perish the thought lol 🙂

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxxxxx