This is my 1st day one..........again!
I joined this site last Sept and my last post was one month in to my non gambling life.
It lasted until Dec. I feel that perhaps if i continued with my diary my relapse may not have happened or i may have been able to prevent the demons, however i guess i was over confident and thought i was over my CG problem.
How wrong i was and how naive.
CG doesn't go away overnight or even after a good 1,2,3 plus months of not having a bet. It is a long haul journey of discovery and you are only fooling yourself if you think it can be a quick fix. A few posts on here, a few chatroom sessions and hey presto......wrong!
As i said Dec i relapsed, although quite minorly, it has progressively spirred out of control. Fortunately i managed to flag it up to my wife before it got as out of control as before.
I have been on here tonight, did the chatroom hour and read my previous posts as well as those of others past & present.
To read how well i was doing and what a good place i was in last Oct in comparison to now is sickening.
I found again many people that have experienced the same relapses as me and also people just starting their journey of stopping.
I have learnt lessons from last year and all i can say is i am going to learn from them. I do not want to be a CG and i want to be able to have my finances in a better state for the benefit of my family.
My wife and i have taken measures to achieve this, we took measures last time but overlooked how much being a CG can make you very adaptable and devious in finding ways to succumb to your demons.
We hope to have acknowledged this now and have again put in place ways of not allowing my demons, when they raise their ugly heads, to get the better of me.
Onwards and upwards.
DAY 2
Another day down and another day i have won.
I have been at work so its been an easy day to deal with in all honesty. i have had the odd stray thought about what i have subjected my family finances to, especially as i have just got paid and haven't two pennies to rub together (my fault) and ways of rectifying it. However in reality the only way to rectify it is to knuckle down and work at it. It's not going to be easy and it will be a long road before financial comfort hits my doorstep but its the honest and right way to do it. There is no quick fix.
I am off work now for the Easter period for 2 weeks and wont really be doing anything exciting due to lack of money. However i do not need money to enjoy my family and new born son. The joy they bring me is priceless and costs nothing.
Hopefully the weather will be kind so we can have some good days out and about.
You're not alone on the relapse front....I had a big one last year but now have things all sorted and a wife to be accountable too!
before the end of the month I would have hit 200 days so keep it going!
I'd say relapse is not the ideal but i'm not perfect. If I do relapse I hope I learn something from it
Hi and well done on 3 days gamble free.
Life will eventually start to improve financially but as you say the best things in life are free.
Enjoy your time with your new son and wife and stay safe
Onwards and upwards
Cheryl xx
13 Days!!
Unlucky for some but lucky for me!!
Thanks everyone for your morale boosting comments. I must admit that i haven't logged onto here sinced my last post so i have just seen them, however i have drawn strength from them all.
Yesterday was the Grand National as i am sure you are all aware. I can happily say that it's the 1st year since i can remember that i haven't had a bet on it. Although my achillies heel was online casinos, i still did the yearly ritual that people whom would class themselves as non gamblers do and that is to 'have a flutter on the National'. I did not..............
Since my last post i have been rather busy and not had time to think about betting, however yesterday i did have the odd thought about the National. However i ensured i did not even look at the list of horses running let alone anything else and it didn't bother me. All i saw of it was on the news that evening about who the winning horse & jockey were. On seeing that i felt like a winner by not betting.
Even though my wife has 100% control of my money now (i don't have any access to any money at all) so i couldn't put a bet on anything even if i wanted to. Sometimes it makes me feel like a complete r****d by not being in control of any of my finances and i start to beat myself up about it and even dis-like my wife for having control of everything. At points like these i would try and find some comfort in doing something stupid like having a bet. As like i said this isn't an option anymore, it helps me deal with the demon that creaps into my head and i move on from it after a few minutes. So to my wife i would like to say thank you for being my guardian angel, especially when i am at my lowest.
It is my birthday in a few weeks and i am sure i will have some down points as we have no money to do anything thanks to my past mishaps. However i hope i can find the strength to be thankful for what i do have and get through to the otherside as a recovering CG.
Day 16.
Still on Easter holidays and feeling good with my progress.
Had a bit of fortune this week financially with a coupleof things that has made me more optomistic about my financial future.
In the short term it has made a big difference with repaying a payday loan that i took out last month to gamble. It would have been a tight month in May once i pay it back at the end of April, however with what has happened this week it will be more comfortable.
The weather is great and this along with the past week makes good for positive thoughts and actions on my part.
All good!...............Lets keep it going.
🙂
One whole calendar month!
Wow! a whole month down and gamble free.
To be honest with having a new born and back at work i am that tired during any free time that i wouldn't have time to gamble even if i wanted to. I am in bed by 9pm most nights!
The occasions i have been left to my own devices i have kept myself busy around the house or even managing some PS4 time.
The thoughts about having a gamble to try and make money matters easier (even though it doesn't) have been few and far between in comparison to 3 / 4 weeks ago.
They say that time is a great healer and so far so good.
One day at a time turns into weeks in no time and i hope months & years.
Feeling optimistic!!
Congratulations on one whole calendar month,
Keep strong and keep winning in every way.
Suzanne xxx
April 30th was my last post and i had gone a month without a relapse, however that has all recently changed. Beginning of August i started back with gambling on the online casino. The trigger this time was the reality of my wife having to go back to work post having our son in March. 4 months i had gone without a bet. Whilst my wife has been on paternity money has been a little tighter and so it stood to reason she would have to return to work. However i really do not want her going back to the company she worked for which pays less than minimum wage after travelling time to jobs. I thought i could relieve our outgoings by winning some money but as usual it never works out that way. 3 payday loans later (used for gambling) and i am back to square one with a very upset wife. I tried keeping the gambling and debt to myself thinking i could sort it out but she knew the signs from previous times and found out what i had been up to. It didn't help because it was the eve of us travelling with the kids around the country visiting family, hence it has took me a week to re-post and the previous week hasn't been as enjoyable as it should have been.
Tonight we have once again talked about my illness and how we cannot carry on like this, especially with a newborn to look after and raise. I thought my son being born would have been enough to quash my demons in my head regards gambling.........i was wrong. I have read on these posts that relapse is a part of recovery and i fully understand this, it just makes the statement almost sound like an excuse for doing it when the relapse involves hundreds and hundreds of pounds. Its not like i have been quitting smoking and bought a sneeky 20 pack at less than £10.
The financial complications of a gamblers relapse are certainly more severe.
SO it is now back to square one........again...........how i hate being here. I hope not to see square one ever again this time just like times before, there is only so much my wife can take let alone myself. Worse case scenario is one that neither of us want and we are determined not to get there. It will take a lot of honesty, communication & commitment on both our parts, although mine more so. A different / modified approach is required in respect to the past. I need to make time to tackle my demon and not get to a stage where i think everything is sorted, that stage i feel will be years away not weeks / months. So expect more regular and frequent posts for a start.
One day at a time...................here is to tomorrow.
Well done on getting back on the road to recovery. The key is to never become complacent and thinking that the problem is solved. I myself am learning that after my third major relapse and having to tell my oh the debt I have gotten into again because of this addiction. Also know that horrible feeling of being back at day 1 but as you say take it one day at a time and you will soon see those days building up.
Wishing you well as you carry on your journey of recovery.
Tina x
Relapse is most certainly NOT part of the recovery process. It is though part of the addiction process. Yes relapses happen & do not mean you cant get clean, but telling ourselves they are a part of getting well is dangerous on so many levels
Thankyou Tina1 & day@atime for your comments and advice. Much appreciated.
Well the weekend has gone by and to be honest i have been so busy i haven't had time to think about gambling. I had a wedding Saturday and Christening Sunday. Today i was back at work. However tomorrow i should have time to think about how i am going to deal with the extra debt that i have imposed on my family and how to get through it. It will be then that the urge will probably rear its ugly head again, telling me that it could be a way to clear the debt i have. From past experiences though i know this only makes things worse and i have to be strong to keep with that. The only way to get out of this is by hard work and commitment. The whole wedding experience on Saturday (as weddings tend to do) made me realise how much i love my wife and brought back all the memories of leading up to our wedding day as well as the day itself. Life back then wasn't as dark regards to my gambling, i had gambled to the extreme at times but it wasn't as frequent as the past few years. I cannot go back to then and start over but i can move onwards and upwards now in a positive (and financially sensible) way. SO bring on tomorrow, another day to build upon the days so far that i have beaten the gambling sites by not gambling.
Another week since my last post. It has been a busy one again, at times i have wanted to place a bet on the football, especially as i was out with my mates Sunday in the pub watching it. I did not place any sort of bet but to be honest i couldnt really have done so even if i wanted to due to no money to place the bet. At home my wife has set the parental control on our wi-fi which has been a great help as i wouldnt have been able to place a bet if i did have any sort of cash to do so. Removing the access of betting has and will continue to be a great help.
I am yet to set up the control on my mobile phone so i cannot access betting sites with my data package, i will do that after finishing this post.
As for the debt i have to repay, i have sent the companies letters with the help of citizens advice in order to arrange a plan of repayment and stop the interest being applied. I am happy i have taken this step but at the same time am not looking forward to the hostile responses and threats i will have to deal with. However i intend to keep strong (with the support of my wife) and deal with the correspodance, not place another bet and hope i win in order to repay the debt and make it go away.
Looking forward, this is my last week off work and looks to be another busy one with family visiting etc etc so i am confident of another successful week.
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